Wanting

Realization -her-

I groaned trying to untwist the comforter from my legs my alarm next to me beeping letting me know that it was five am. I groaned as I sat upright banging the off button while stretching my aching back. I got dressed and went out for a run. My trainers slapping the pavement, my breathing even, the only sound to be heard on the misty campus. My heartbeat matching the thrum of music in my ears.

I kept my eyes trained on the solid gray pavement before me focusing on my breathing. Slowly the blurring of unshed tears crept into my vision, I won’t cry I told myself. Wiping my eyes with the back of my hands I sped up my pace, now running at full speed. The landscape around me becoming a blur of emeralds, rubies, and rich browns. My breathing sped up my heart beating out of my chest. I am stronger now and I would not go back to who I was before.

The pavement blurred past the memory hit me out of nowhere stealing my breath forcing me to stop. Eyes glued on the grey concrete pavement swallowing everything whole, grey the world was grey. I was in my childhood bedroom from our first house, I was standing in front of the mirror eyes glued to it. I felt the wild beat of my heart as I said loudly to my mom: “his eyes, their different colors one green and the other brown, its bright like the forest in spring and they seem so alive”.

When I turned to her the color slowly drained away “mom what’s happening to me?” I was shaking. She knelt before me hugging me tightly “it’s all going to be okay, little one, it’s going to be okay” then she took my hand and we left.

Where did we go? There was a haze over the rest of the memory as if something had taken it from me. I was left panting hands braced on my knees, forcing the panic attack down. I will not panic, I will not cry.

The edge of my new tattoo peeked out, I rolled up my sleeve ‘you shall not bend’ yes I will not bend. I nodded and straightened myself jogging off at a steady pace breathing in and breathing out gently. I will have to have a training session with Conner after class today, I decided, the session would do me good, a reminder of who I am now, stronger than I was.

The day dragged on until my afternoon training session finally arrived. As I opened the doors the smell of bleach and sweat hit my nose. I was busy twining the hand wraps around my hands, dropping my gloves onto the mat by the door. I turned to look at the room the mirrors running along the walls, I sighed having forgotten about that detail. My attention shifted to Conner who was beating away at a punching bag suspended from the ceiling. He finished off with a few rapid kicks counting aloud to twenty.

He seemed entirely focused on the bag in front of him as I approached, I opened my mouth to greet him. Just as he turned with a wicked grin plastered on his smug face. His eyes alight with laughter. Without warning, he swung out his leg aiming to kick me in the ribs. 

I blocked the kick jumping back into a defensive position shaking my head at him “no formalities just let's break a rib today then?” I mocked him with a matching grin as we started circling each other. He was a head taller than me and weighed almost twice my weight. He started bouncing on the balls of his feet in front of me. “Well hello then,” I said before back jumping in towards him. Up close and personal. I jabbed at his ribs. Blocking with my right hand, I darted back away. “Let’s get on with it”. I jumped away from his punches. Aiming a high kick at his head. He grabbed my leg. “Tsk, tsk” I mocked as I used my momentum to push him onto his back.

I moved onto his chest, pinning him down. I lined up an elbow blow to his face. Before the blow could connect he bucked me off. His arms locking around my ribs “Tsk, tsk” he repeated as he rolled me over. I wrapped my legs refusing to let go. We rolled around while I tried to get him on his back. He overpowered me, pinning me down with his body weight. Struggling for my arm while I kept slipping out of his reach.

“Not today,” I said grinning. I removed my left leg from his body, swinging out my hips. My leg collided with his ribs, forcing him to roll away as he gasped for air.

I got up off the floor. “Well, well, well,” he remarked still smiling. He was holding his right side, then the smile vanished as he got up. This time he was on the offense. He didn't waste time as he struck. Aiming for my face. I dodged, blocked his next attack. Returning a quick punch to his ribs before moving out of reach.

We carried on, block, punch, dodge. He connected a punch to my ribs leaving me out of breath.

We circled each other. Throwing a jab here and there. I kept maneuvering my smaller body around him.

He was trying to corner me, working me till I backed into the wall.

Pinning me in place one arm across my chest. He raised his fist ready to strike.

Before the blow could land I swiveled my hips out kneeing him in the same ribs as before, he let go and moved away to catch his breath.

Then it happened again the shape appeared in the mirror. Time slowed downed, my breathing shallow, it was taking a form a man. He looked taller than me by a head. Lean and well built. All my attention got pulled towards the shape, like a moth to a flame. My eyes were glued to the shape. His lithe muscular body, stood still attention focused on something.

Connor came at me so fast he missed my cheek with a narrow inch. Time was still slowed down, I grabbed his arm throwing him over my shoulder. Gaining perfect positioning, slamming my legs onto his chest and barring his arm. I pushed down with my legs as I pulled his arm towards me arching my back. “Stop!” his shout echoed through the gym. I hadn’t noticed he was speaking my eyes were locked on the shape.

It raised its hand placing it in the mirror. “s**t,” I said letting go and scrambling backward “you could have dislocated it” Conner scolded me from where he was lying on the mat rubbing his shoulder.

The shadow of the man seemed to be looking at me, it felt unnerving having something without eyes look at you, “I’m sorry” I mumbled as I struggled to get to my feet “About your arm,” I said slowly walking backward. “I – I have to go” I stuttered then turned my back and bolted out of the gym and to the girl's lockers. I didn’t stop till my back was resting against the cool metal of my locker and I sank to the floor.

Every time I saw that shape things felt more in focus then they did before. Like I was hyper-aware. My breaths were ragged and burned as they moved through my lungs. Unlike the day before I calmed down not allowing myself to panic as I held my knees to my chest in an empty locker room. I was alone, and suddenly it felt like alone had a new meaning, a different one entirely. As if it suddenly meant an immense loss a loss for what I did not know but it left me feeling hollowed out. My cheek throbbed oh so he hadn’t missed, after all.

Sneaky bastard I laughed softly having calmed down, it throbbed a little harder, and this will leave a bruise.

I rolled my eyes as I slowly got up and grabbed my things out of my locker. The small mirror showed a sot bruise already forming on my cheek. Great, I thought to myself. Then it hit me, literally getting stuck right back into the memory.

A hard slap echoed across the room, I was on my knees clasping my left cheek. Soft sobs came from my small body. "That’s enough!" I heard my mother shout but I did not lift my eyes, today was the day.

She had to leave him before it got worse. "We are leaving!" she shouted before picking up my small body and carrying me out of the house towards her car. I focused on the owl hooting, the stillness of the night as all the other families were asleep. But my ears were ringing with the sound of the slap.

The sound of my father's true betrayal.

I slammed the locker shut. My breath coming fast again. "f**k!" I shouted as I ran with my bag out the door. I knew right then why he did it. I was slowly piecing it together. Who the shape was but most importantly who he had been to me while I was raised in that hell hole.