Wanting

Realization -him-

I was about to finish my last duty for the morning, it was getting tedious escorting Lady Edlynne everywhere. It left me frustrated I had so much more on my mind then the morning gossip. I did not see the point on being her escort the manor was surrounded by guards after all. Sir Dondario had explained it would soon be my life long duty once Edlynne was of age. I scoffed at that Edlynne was a fine enough girl but I did not fancy her. She was waiting outside her sewing room for our mid-day courtyard stroll, she was pale with strawberry blond hair that was styled into a half braid today the loose hair hanging down in waves to her waist. She smoothed out the skirts of her pink long-sleeved dress and smiled prettily at me, I tried to smile back but it came out more of a grimace. 

Taking her arm I lead her down the stairs to the garden. My mother had once said when she had met my father her heart had stopped. She explained that after their meeting her heartbeat was no longer hers, it was beating for my father her soul bound. I surely didn’t feel like that about Edlynne. She was pretty and smart enough, but she was just that and she never got my humor quite right, she never questioned things. She was too complacent and tamed I finally concluded. At that moment we stepped out into the courtyard. “Your quiet today,” she said looking at me beneath her light lashes, trying to look coy with her dark blue eyes. “Just a little distracted,” I said walking towards the garden. Every Wednesday we would walk this route, out the second door to the courtyard, down the paved road to the main gardens of the estate.

My mind wandered to the lesson I was to have with sir Dondario after luncheon with the lord and lady of the estate. My head still ached from the day before, the pounding was less no more of a dull ache. Edlynne was chattering on about something, some embroidery work or another, “I mean I might as well be talking to a wall” she huffed softly slapping me on the shoulder with her fan. She untangled her arm from mine grumbling under her breath “I will see you at the luncheon I have to go see how a new flower is doing” she finished storming off. It was quite odd a petite lady storming off in a large skirted pink dress, I tilted my head as I watched her go. I was not feeling like myself today, I wandered into one of the lavish first-floor bathrooms and splashed my face with cold water to wake up. 

The bell tolled two times outside the manor. I should make my way to the garden center where luncheon was served. I couldn’t move my feet I just stared at the mirror. I knew the shape was why I had become ill but I somehow craved to see it even if just for a moment. I sighed forcing myself to move, I left for the back exit purposefully walking past the mirrored hallway hoping all the way. There it was. The shape, she was clearer now.  I could see the curve of muscle as she seemed to be fighting an invisible force, and then she came to an abrupt stop staring at me. I don’t know how I knew but I just knew.

She was looking at me and the pounding came back, it wasn't as sharp now. I placed my hand on the mirror and then her body jerked and she was fighting again, slamming a figure onto the floor. The tingling feeling of eyes watching as she kept facing me. She kept staring as if she could see me as well. Then she scrambled away from something, her chest was lifting rapidly. She jumped up and ran away, the shape disappeared in an instant. Reflections. That’s how I saw her through reflections.

The luncheon was uninteresting, the food tasted bland and my mind kept wondering to her, she had to be real. “Are you still unwell?” the Lady asked me leaning forward in her seat all eyes at the table turned to me. I groaned internally before answering her “I am feeling better my lady why do you ask?” I tried to put on a polite smile for them Dondario was sitting next to me kicking my leg under the table. In his head, he was probably thinking of ways to lecture and punish me for not taking interest in the topics of today. "You were mumbling something dear about a girl?" her accusing nasal voice came up when I looked at her she had an eyebrow raised. The family resemblance showed true, she looked just like an older lady Edlynne.

I blushed and looked away from the table, squirming in my seat. “well, never mind Aeson has called for Loki, he will be here in two days" she gave a relieved sigh. "then he will mend what so ever is wrong with you” waving a small fork in my general direction. “and all will go back to normal" the Lady just kept on talking without waiting for a response. "Edlynne will be happy for you to be back, she was so upset after your walk” she glared daggers at me as if to say it was all my fault. I wondered if I had always been this reckless and irresponsible without a care of what the lord and lady thought. If I had always felt crushed under the immense pressure of being something I am not. “If you would kindly excuse me I said as I got up bowing to the lord lady and then Edlynne before walking off to the training yard.

My pace was fast and I heard sir Dondario clipped footsteps right behind me. He was mad, livid to be sure. I felt the waves of tension from his body and then came the slap to the back of my head. A loud thwack echoed through the empty garden path. “What the hell boy? Your mother and father would not like this side of you I am dead sure they would be disappointed in you”, the slap was expected but the part of my parents was not. I stood clenching my fists so as not to say or do anything, my body slowly started shaking more and more. “You do not know” I whispered “they have been gone for so long, you would not know what they had wished for me now” I started walking away.

“There is a contract” he whispered from behind me and when I had turned to look at him his eyes were focused on the gravel path beneath his feet. “They had signed a contract with the Lord Evergreen” he sighed and I turned to fully face him, he still did not meet my eyes as he carried on “You are to marry lady Edlynne on her twentieth birthday in a year. This you know. But it is set in stone, there’s no breaking the contract. Your father had made a blood oath” I couldn’t move. I just stared at him. My heart was beating wildly again. “NO,” I said the word out loud and then I was running to the stables. I needed to get away and clear my head Dondario did not follow me.

I was riding a black mare through the woods outside the manor not caring where I was going. I needed to get away from here. My father had sealed my fate with his blood. He was dead now and even if he wasn’t.

There would be no going back. I can never go back. I am bound and I cannot change that. My soul would be lost. Pawned off to someone who would never be my match? I would remain a young lacuna for the rest of my life