"My Realization"

The world I've been living in is the place I know I belong, and the experiences I've encountered. I believe it's like a game – the harder it gets, the more wonderful experiences I get, and this is my understanding. I was having my wonderful time way back then. The life that my family gave me was nothing special, but for me, it was just a common upbringing. My childhood was the best, according to others. My mom became the man in the house, and my dad took on the responsibilities of my mom in an opposite position. Life seemed so easy; I could have both what I wanted and needed. I grew up believing that life was so easy, people treated me very special, and made me feel the love and care. I remember every time I went to visit my neighborhood; I was always treated like a princess. They always prepared anything for me, even when I didn't ask. Just like my mom, who gave me everything I wanted and treated me like a princess as well. During school days, my dad was the one preparing my hot shower, clothes to wear, breakfast, and sending me to school. Everyone envied how my dad treated me so well. I always heard from them that my parents gave me the life that everyone wanted – I heard that all the time from them, even comparing their parents to mine and wanting to have an exchange life just for once. I feel so much happiness; it gives me much more confidence and a head-up. I never felt insecure towards others – I even feel like a boss every time I heard those words of compliments from others. When I finished my elementary years, I became more than what I am with my attitude. The months passed by, and I started going to high school. This is the time when I became more stubborn. I believed in my own beliefs and perspectives, not even caring about anyone, including my parents or giving them a little understanding. I didn’t feel the love and care that I wanted. All I did was be mischievous, waste time, do stupid things, and talk back to them, just to see me and give me time, to hear me out. But it always ended up that I was a hard-headed daughter. I felt like I was a contribada, a daughter who never contributed any good, the daughter who always brought problems and pressure. I don’t understand why I have to feel that way. All I understand is nothing is the best and worth in me, no matter what I do. No one sees what I see, no one feels what I feel, and it was never validated, no matter what my reasons are. During my teenage years, I believed in myself and did what I wanted. I wasted the precious time many years believing I could have the attention I wanted, and in my understanding, it is normal in every life. Now that I have become matured, having my own life, I still believe in my own understanding. You want to know why? Because of all I was during my kid and teenage stage. I could say nothing is good memories towards my parents. Never heard I love you nor I’m proud of you, but all I can remembered is how they describe me as a bad and worthless daughter I feel sorry for myself and sorry for them, because they don’t deserve what I made them feel from me. But I don’t deserve as a daughter to feel nothing toward my parents. I don’t understand the love language they’re trying to make me feel and the care they’ve shown. I blame them for letting the monster grow inside of me. It’s hard to kill this, but I try to understand it so I can be the best version of myself. I’m still thankful for them, because they let me see and explore the world - the world that I call my paradise. I realized now that in our lives, there are many enigmatic situations that are hard to understand and difficult to accept. However, life is full of wonderfulness. I also most people don’t know how to appreciate the small things and often can’t forget the bad experiences or hurtful words they’ve heard. These experiences can be stored in their hearts and minds, making it difficult for them to move forward. The past should be a part of life that we continue to revisit, but we are just people living on earth with feelings, emotions, and attitudes. We can’t dictate others because we haven’t walked in their shoes. For those of us who understand or have been in their shoes, we should validate their feelings. Anger, hatred, and influence can all have an impact. life has its own reasons and happenings, and sometimes it’s hard to accept or understand them. However, by embracing the present and focusing on the wonderful aspects of life, we can find peace and happiness. Now that I am matured enough to feel the real emotions in life, I always believe in my own sayings, “We are in paradise, a paradise that is full of enigmatic.” And yes, I’m still in my paradise, exploring the mystery of life and wanting to see and experience more of it. A beautiful place with a dark side that needs to be enlightened and see the beauty in it. I now understand that every person in the world has their own way of handling every scenario and different love languages and care. I’ve learned to open my eyes, mind, heart, and soul wider to understand others. My feelings are valid, but my parents’ actions are more valid. They’re trying to give what’s best and to make the perfect version of me. Just so happened, the best wasn’t enough, and it turned into a mistake. Argil Taboada