ANTIDOTE

When everyone was laughing, running, and above all, free. I was far away, watching and listening to their heartfelt laughter. In this four-cornered room, decorated with nothing but white curtains and sheets, I lay on my back, eyes on the ceiling, IV dripping, and a noisy machine that beep in the background. A Series of memories came crashing my mind, and I cannot help myself as my eyes glistened as they focused on one person. It was all clear to me na para bang kahapon lang nangyari ang lahat ng iyon. I smiled bitterly. .. "Kamusta ka na?" I managed to ask as if he was here beside me. "Miss na kita, sobra." I closed my eyes as I focused my attention on his face. Yung dating masaya niyang mukha, naging seryoso na para bang naririnig nito ang sinasabi ko. I concentrated and held my hand, touching his face as I did. He closed his eyes, leaned his head on my palm, inhaled softly, and open his eyes again. His black eyes focused on me with the emotion that was only for me. After all that happened, how could he still look at me like that? I felt a pang of pain on my chest as he smiled at me, that beautiful smile I always loved about him. His dimples were visible on both sides as he did. That was what he always did when he saw me angry, one smile from him and I am fine. He looked at me like he was asking if I were okay. His expressive eyes comforted me with so much love and care. Hindi ko alam na humikhikbi na pala ako when I hear the sound my mouth made. I fight the urge to cover my mouth, because if I moved, I will also lose him. I tried my best to smile back at him, as I bit my lower lip suppressing the sob that was about to come out. "I'm not fine," sagot ko sa kanya sa garalgal na boses. “I’m sorry for putting you in that situation, love. I'm sorry if we didn't fulfill our promises together. And I'm sorry if I cannot keep my promise to you." I raised my other hand and imprisoned his face on both my hands. He frowned and hold my hand. He opened his mouth as he tried to say something. Umiling ako, dahil alam ko ang sasabihin niya and I cannot do that, hell, I won't do it. And he understands that he sighed soundlessly at lumamlam ang mga mata nito habang hinahaplos ng isang kamay nito ang aking kaliwang pisngi, putting away my tears as he did. I closed my eyes as I pretending hard to feel his touch. Naramdaman ko ang malamig na ihip na hangin na lumapat sa aking pisngi, it was like the air just kissed me. I smiled and I looked at him. "No...." He said, reading his lips. "Please, don't" kapagkuwan ay dugtong nito. He was unhappy. If someone can cry in your imagination, that must be what I was seeing through him. Patuloy lang ang itong tumingin sa akin at paulit-ulit na sinasabi nito ang mga salitang iyon. But it didn't long last. Kung sa anong paraan ko sya nakikita at nakakausap, ay siya ring dahilan kung saan sya naglaho na parang bula. I tried to reach for him, as he stretched his hand but before I could even hold his finger, he vanished into thin air. Napahikbi ako ng malakas at nasapo ko ang aking bibig. " I'm sorry." Bulong ko sa hangin sa gitna ng aking mga hikbi. "I'm sorry... Only if I didn't approached, you wouldn't be hurting like this... I'm sorry..." I cried as I clutched my hand to my heart. Habang pinaulit-ulit ko sa aking isipan ang kanyang mga larawan, nakakabuo ako ng isang desisyon. I smiled. We won't be far any longer. "Wait for me, love....." Not long before the doctors and nurses came rushing into the room as they raced through the beeping machine then to the thin body lying on the hospital bed. Back and forth. Instructions were thrown every second as their body works expertly around the small room. "Charge to 200 joules!" The doctor demanded as he placed the defibrillator on the patient's chest, "Clear!" pumping it. 2 times. 3 times. He tried. No avail. "Higher!" They increased the number, until it beeps multiple, announcing that it has reached its limit. He pumped. Nothing. Again. Nothing. Not wanting to give up, they tried several methods to revive the body. But as time goes by, the straight line on the monitor never rises. It continued to go in the same direction endlessly as it already know where to go. Shoulders slumped, they looked at each other and sighed deeply. The doctor shook his head, looking at the body then at his wristwatch. The busy nurses suddenly came to a halt. They looked at the body, feeling sorry. "Time of death: 03:49 pm" the doctor announced, then turned his back and went through the door to meet the awaiting family outside. "Finally, it's over." Said the woman as she watched the nurses plug out the things that were connected to the body. She gave the lifeless body a last glance before she turned her back and smiled at the man beside her. They took each other's hands and intertwined them. They walk together hand in hand towards the light that would lead them to eternity. "ALICE MARIE SUÁREZ! For the nth time, come the hell out!!" Pinahid ko ang mga luha na kanina pa dumadaloy sa aking pisngi. "In 2 minutes!" Sigaw ko pabalik habang binabalik ko ang bookmark sa parte na iyon ng libro. Sumisinghot pa ako habang ginagawa yun. I caress the front cover of the book and watched the two people walk hand in hand together. Their backs are facing me, but I know if they were real, they would be smiling while walking towards the light. I've already read this book multiple times pero hindi pa rin ako makakamove on sa kinahahantungan ng dalawang bida. They really loved each other to the point that they took the "death do us part." Literally. Napapitlag ako ng may kumatok na sa pinto ng aking kwarto. Sirain ba? "ALICE MARIE----" "Oo na, nandyan na!" Paputol ko sa sasabihin sana nya. Dali-dali akong umalis sa pagkakadapa ko sa kama. Nilagay ko ang libro sa aking bag at sinukbit yun. He knocked the door again. I hissed! Kainis, parang babae. Ang atat! "Ano ba?!" Bungad ko sa kanya ng mabuksan ko ang pinto. "Aray! Tangina, Mukha ba akong pinto?!" Nahimas ko ang gitnang bahagi ng aking noo ng matamaan iyon sa matigas nitong kamao. Nagkabukol pa yata ako. He looked up from his phone. Nangunot ang noo niya habang nakatingin sa akin. Sinamaan ko sya ng tingin habang patuloy na hinihimas ang noo ko. Lumipat ang tingin nya sa noo ko kapagkuwan ay nanlaki ang mata niyang tumingin doon. Grabe gulat na gulat! "Anong nangyari dyan?" Maang pa nyang tanong. "Kinatok mo lang naman! Alam kong malapad ang noo ko pero sobra naman yatang kinakatok mo pa! Ang sakit!" Reklamo ko. "Anong kinatok? Patingin nga!" Tinanggal nya ang kamay kong nakalapat doon tsaka hinawi nya ang bangs ko at sinuri ang noo, sigurado akong namumula na yun ngayun. "Oh, namumula." "Namumula," I repeat and made face "sa laki ba naman ng kamay mo!" Pagpapatuloy ko at tinampal ang kamay nyang nakalapat pa rin sa noo ko. His lips purse into thin line, tsaka walang ano-ano'y pinitik ang noo ko at tumakbo palayo. Napahiyaw ako sa sakit at mangiyak ngiyak na hinabol sya. Gago talaga! "Yah! Adrian!" "Bilisan mo pandak!" He said as he made his way to the van, slid in and closed the door. I came there 30 seconds after he shut the door. I tried to open it pero nilock niya. I heared him chuckle. "Mommy!" I called Mom out of frustration. Papalabas pa lang sila ng bahay ni Daddy bitbit ang mga bagahe nila. Mom, turned around para magbigay ng habilin kay Manang Rosa na siya muna ang bahala sa bahay namin. We were out for a month. We're going to go to Spain to where we spend our summer vacation. "Yes, baby?" Mom responded as I went near her. "Hey, what happened to your forehead?" She asked. She probably noticed the red mark on it. She rubbed it and winced. I pointed to the van, sakto namang binaba ni Adrián ang bintana nito tsaka tumingin sa direksyon namin. "Adrián knocked on my forehead!" Pagmamaktol ko, narinig pala ako ng mokong, he laughed and I glared at him. He stucked his tongue out and closed the window. "Mom!" Baling ko kay Mommy ng makita ang ginawa ni Adrián. Bumuntung hininga na lamang si Mama. She patted my head and disgarded me eventually. Bumaling sya kay manang tsaka pinagpatuloy ano man ang naudlot nitong sabihin kanina. I pouted but stood still beside her. Hinihimas ko pa ang aking noo kasi masakit talaga. I took my phone out at saka ini-on ang camera, flipping it front cam. I took a selfie and zoomed out where my bump was. I hissed. Namumula nga. I looked at Adrian’s direction and glared at him plotting every revenge I could get to give him. “Mamaya ka sa akin,” I mumbled while throwing invisible daggers towards the van. When they’re finished talking, Manang waved us goodbye and ordered me to be good while we were away. At saka ako hinila ni Mommy papunta sa van. I waved Manang Rosa before stepping in. Nasa loob na pala si Daddy, nagbabasa ng magazine. When he saw us coming, he put it aside and greeted my mother as he pat my head. Seriously, people's been petting me all day! "Come on. Let's go. We're going to be late." Mom said as she sit beside my father and closed the door. The driver obeyed. Sinunggaban ko agad si Adrián pagka-upo ko sa pwesto ko, hinampas ko ng nirolyong magazine ang ulo nito na kinuha ko kay Daddy nang ilagay niya iyon. Nakapikit naman kasi tsaka nagheadphone. Di tuloy nakailag. "Aray! Aray! Aray! Ano ba!" Reklamo niya habang sinasalag ang paghahampas ko. "Mom, si Alice oh!----Aray!" "Bayad yan sa ginawa mo sa noo ko! Ang sakit!" Sabi ko habang hinahampas pa rin sya. "Kasalanan ko bang pandak ka! Sa susunod kasi huwag mong ibandera yang noo mo para namang----Aray! Nakakarami ka na ha!" Tinanggal niya ang kanyang headphone tsaka sinunggaban ang mga kamay ko at ginapos gamit ang isang nitong kamay. Sa kagustuhang makawala ay pinagsisipa ko sya, nakawala ang isa kung kamay tsaka piningot ko ang tenga nya at napahiyaw sya sa sakit. Namumulang binitawan ko ang tenga nya at parang toro naman syang dumukwang upang pitikin ulit ang noo ko. Napasigaw ako ng mahulog ako sa upuan at tumama ang ulo ko sa may bandang paanan nito. I clutched my head, parang may karayom na tumusok noon at parang mawalan ako ng hininga sa sobrang sakit. I saw Adrián's eyes flashed with concern as he check on me. I took that chance to s***k him hard. I laughed when he scream. Pero napangiwi ako nang bumalik ulit ang sakit pero pinagwalang-bahala ko nalang. Kanina pa kasi kami sinisita nila Mommy, and Adrián's scream was the ultimatum. He was about to get even with me, when Dad warning him. Binelatan ko sya. Akma naman nya akong babatukan ulit ng magsalita si Mommy. "Tama na yan Adrián, baka mapano pa yang kapatid mo. Alice, behave." "Hmp." Saad nito habang bumalik sa pagkakaupo at nagsuot ulit ng headphone. Umismid naman ako sa kanya. Tahimik na kami pareho buong biyahe. Paminsan-minsan, sumisidhi yung sakit sa ulo ko pero hindi ko na pinansin. Nasanay na ako sa ganito. It has been years since I felt this pero hindi naman dumating sa punto tulad kanina na parang hinugutan ako ng hininga. Mabuti nalang di nakita nila Mommy, mag-alala pa sila. Minutes passed and we already reached the airport. We took our baggages out and went to the station for bags checking. When we finished, we settled ourselves to our seats. The airplane will take off in 20 minutes. Mabuti nalang maaga kami. Katabi ko si Mommy, tapos sa likuran naman namin nakaupo sina Daddy at Adrián-- i mean Kuya, well--- I only called him that way when we were alone. Hindi man karespe-respeto ang mukha, i have to call him 'that'. Lagi naman kasi kaming mapagkamalan tuwing magkasama kami na dalawa lang. Kaya he ordered me to call him Kuya--tsaka ayoko ring magmukhang jowa niya no. Ew. "Tiningin-tingin mo dyan? Mukha sa harap. Pilipitin ko leeg mo eh." Singhal naman ng damuho. Inirapan ko sya't di nalang sinagot. Dito nalang ako kay Mommy. "Mom," i called her attention. She put the magazine she's reading and looked at me. "Pagbalik natin dito, same school parin kami mag-aaral?" She frowned with my question but answered me nonetheless. "Yes. bakit? Ayaw mo na dun? Nandun naman ang kursong gusto mo diba? And your girlfriends were also there, you---" "Mom," i cut her off... Yes or no lang naman eh. " Sinisiguro ko lang na hindi mo kami ita-transfer ulit after nito. You know, i am already 17 and i would be having a hard time adapting the environment incase, you know..." "Yun ba talaga ang dahilan?" Tanong nya. I raised my eyebrow and looked at her. Pero nagkibit-balikat lang sya. "Whatever mom.." She chuckled and shuffled my hair na inayos ko naman agad. "You're a big girl now, sweetheart. Just don't rush, okay?" "I don't know what you are talking about." Tumawa lang sya at hindi na nagcomento pa. Mother knows best, that's for sure. Pero ano man ang hinala ni Mommy, hindi ko muna iyon e ko-confirm hangga't mapansin nya ako. Kinikilig naman ako sa naiisip ko. I have so much plans to do. Kaya sisimulan ko yun pagbalik namin dito sa Pilipinas. Hang in there, baby. I will be back. And this time. I'll make sure to win you over. "hmmm...." “Ladies and gentlemen, please be seated. Our flight is ready for departure.” I fastened my seatbelt as I heard the English announcement and followed by another language. “Flight attendants, prepare doors for departure and cross-check.” In no time, the plane took off as my mind settled for my plans.