His Child

chapter 5

~Y/n's Pov~

Waking up with the sun shining on my face, I feel two strong arms wrapped around me, my face flush on his chest. Looking up a little, I see Namjoon sleeping His eyes covered with his hair, snoring lightly with his mouth half open.

Brushing the hair out of his face, and just admiring his beauty, i think to myself, 'How the hell did i get so lucky? And why am i stupid enough to just let him go like I could easily get someone like him back?'

Now would be the perfect time to leave, hes a little bit of a heavy sleeper, and he wouldn't hear anything if I just take my clothes and leave. But I don't want to do that, I know how vulnerable he gets sometimes at night. 

Sometimes he wakes up screaming, panting, and sweaty, like he had a horrible dream. I've asked him what was happening all the time, but he just pulls me into him, and says hes fine, as long as hes with me. Its been happening since 2015, two years after his debut.

 I know he struggled the most during that time, he had been accused of a lot of things then.They had people insulting them, saying they looked like girls, and they weren't rappers anymore, because they decided to put on make-up.

It was a lot back then. And Namjoon suffered a lot. Sometimes when he'd fallen asleep in his studio, I'd read some of the lyrics he wrote. He talked about his depression, and how he would tell other people to find their happiness, when he wasn't so sure if he found his. 

He wrote about how people hated him because he was a monster, and how idol fans hated him because of that also. I cried my hardest that night. I'd never know that joon felt like that. I mean sure, I know hes had depression before, and he struggled a lot because of all the pressure that he and others had put on him, but I never knew it was that bad.

~Flashback, 5 years ago~2015~

Joon fell asleep in the studio again. Hes been doing that lately, I know hes been busy a lot lately, they had released their Album 'The most beautiful moment in life, part 1'. I know he wants to be the best for his fans, but he should also take care of his health.

I walked into the studio to see joon sitting at his desk with his head on his arms, snoring softly. I giggle, hes so cute. Walking closer, I see tear streaks on his soft cheeks, and his eyes are a little puffy.

'has he been crying again?' Joon has been crying a little lately, and the other night, he woke up screaming, sweaty and panting. He really scared me. This had never happened before. I asked him what was wrong, but he just said nothing, and hugged me tightly. We cuddled all night, until he finally went to sleep, which was a 5 in the morning. I had to tell his manager that he couldn't make it today. They understood, and told me to make sure he gets lots of rest, as hes been tired a lot.

Looking at him now,I see a piece of paper, with wording on it, partially under his arm. Gently moving his arm, I pick up the paper, and it read:

                                                            Too much

-Don't think about it too much, too much, too much, too much..

There's no need for us to rush it through

Don't think about it too much, too much, too much, too much

This is more than jut a new lust for you

Everyday like a machine I wake up.

Automatically put on make-up

This kind of life has grown familiar to me

Since when have I been satisfied with myself?

Did I, after achieving my dream, indulge in it?

To live "Comfortably", "Appropriately" 

I swallowed the flames that had welled up in my throat

That's right I'm quite disgusted with myself as well, 

The sharp knife has dulled, Forming the wrinkles 

of my twenty year old self, i was afraid of such changes

If somebody could look inside my head, they' d probably mock me

Smirking at me who's lost his path,I can hear my old friends laughing.

Hey, but i just wanted to show what i got

All I ever wanted to do was rap. You said i'm a puppet, f**k i'm not

There's too many of these countless, infinite thoughts in my head

Now I'll put myself aside and wait for the endless waves of negativity

Yeah i'm a monster

Once you become a monster you can no longer become a person

I can no longer be a human like the likes of you all,

even if that's the reason people curse me

Whether i'm an artist, or an idol

I don't give a f**k this is my life

Whether it's porridge or gruel, this is the meal i've prepared for myself

Don't think about it too much, too much, too much, too much

There's no need for us to rush it through

Don't think about it too much, too much, too much, too much

This is more than just a new lust for you

The me who could only see deserts and seas is now looking up at the universe

The small child who thought the tiny studio was the whole world is only just peering outside

I thought it was real, got no time to chill, no time nobody to get healed

Too many stars, too many dreams, the reality is in front of these things, i'm just a speck of dust

Once i realize that the only thing i could do was more severely lock myself in

Tamper back my fury and press it down, more strongly hide myself away

Yeah i'm a fuckin' monster

Young idol fans hate me

Cuz I'mma f*****g monster

Hip hop fans hate me too

Cuz i'm a f*****g Idol rapper who cant come to their concert

Yeah right, Your happy now right?

So how you doin' bitches

I'm earning a lot of f*****g money

Thank you and you bitches

Every Interview I said to them, go find your own happiness

But lately I get confused sometimes, whether I've found my own happiness

The fact that I'm making the music I want to make, saying the things I want to say

This is the moment I've been waiting for, now facing the dream I so desperately wanted

 I definitely achieved my dream but after the dream i find myself hesitating

With too many thoughts; I just showed the me that's hungry for something

Don't think about it too much, too much, too much,too much

There's no need for us to rush it through

Don't think about it too much, too much, too much, too much

This is more than just a new lust for you 

Don't think about it too much, too much, too much, too much

There's no need for us to rush it through

Don't think about it too much, too much, too much, too much

This is more than just a new lust for you

Let it go

Let it go

Just let it go

Let it go

Whatever it is-

I was nearly sobbing now, with one hand over my mouth, tears streaming down my face. I was crying by the time he called himself a monster. I know his stage name IS rap monster, but he isn't a monster. He might rap beautifully, he might rap fast, he might rap emotionally, but he isnt a monster.

"Baby, whats wrong, why are you crying? D-did I do something?" He stood up, looking at me worriedly.  Choking on a sob, I pull him into me, my arms wrapped around his shoulders, and my head in the crook of his neck.

"Baby, what did i do? Why are you crying" He wrapped his arm around my waist, and one hand stroking my hair.

"It isn't about what you did, it's about what you wrote!'' I exclaimed. "You are NOT a monster, how could you even think of yourself as that? I mean, I know you're stage name is Rap Monster, but that doesn't mean your really a monster, baby."

He stiffens, then relaxes, wrapping his arms around me tighter. "I'm sorry baby, for hurting you. I didn't mean to do that."

"'I'm okay Joonie, I'm talking about you." I told him, pulling away. "I thought we were in this together. I told you to tell me whenever you felt like this, I told you that I didn't like when you bottled up all of your feelings and emotions. I told you  to just talk to me, whenever this happpens. Why didn't you tell me?" I told him, pulling him out of his studio and into the living room. We live in my apartment. 

The members agreed that he needed a place for him to concentrate, and that where they lived now was too cramped, so we decided he lived here with me, and he goes there often.

Pulling him on the sofa with me, I hold his hands tightly, and stare into his eyes. "Just talk to me baby. I promise you that I'll listen. I wont judge you, I never will. So please, just talk to me.'' He just bursts into tears, and pulls me in his arms. I hug him tightly, never wanting to let go of him. 

He tells me everything, about him being depressed, about how people hate him, and were judging him just because he was an idol rapper. He told me all of the things that were bottled up inside his chest, and i couldn't stop myself from crying again. 

Pulling away to wipe his tears, I tell him "Shhh, its okay baby. Don't cry. Those people don't deserve your tears. They're just jealous of you. They're jealous because you're doing all of the things they wished they did. You didn't betray anything." 

He kissed me. He kissed me with so much emotion, that I couldn't do anything but melt into it. Our surroundings dulled, and I didn't think of anything else but his lips on mines. "I love you so much, y/n. You never fail to comfort me in my darkest times, and I love you for that. I honestly don't know what i would do without you, you make me feel special, like i'm worth living in this cruel world. So I want to give you this."

He pulls away a little, to dig in his pocket, and pulled out a little box.  "Its not much. It isn't expensive, it probably isn't your taste, but I still wanted to give it to you. 

It's a promise ring. I'm giving this to you because I realized how much I really need you in my life. And one day, i'm gonna propose to you, but its gonna be a surprise." He said, smiling his beautiful dimpled smile. Opening the box, he shows me a beautiful ring.

There was a sterling silver band, an infinity sign, with little diamonds on it. It was absolutely beautiful. "Baby, this is beautiful." I said, tears falling down my face once again. He puts it on my pointer finger, on my right hand, and then picks up my left hand. 'I'm gonna put a ring right here one day, and then you would finally know how much you really mean to me." 

Smiling, I kiss him. I kiss him because he deserves all of the love in the world. He's so beautiful, and perfect. How could you not love him? I pull away smiling, and say, "I'll be waiting on it." 

~Present time~

Looking at the promise ring he gave me all that time ago, i start to cry silently. Gosh, i'm so stupid. How could I leave him after all of this. Its so hard to now, we had so many memories. I'm making it so hard. I simply can't leave him. What if something happens? Ughh, I cant decide. Even if I pick one, I could loose something either way.

Namjoon stirs a little, and I wipe my tears away quickly. He yawns a little, and looks down to see me. Smiling, he says "Good morning beautiful."

Smiling a little at him, I say "Good morning handsome."

I get up a little, but he pulls me gently back down, flat on his chest. "Lets stay like this for a while. We haven't cuddled in bed like this in the morning for a while, and i'm sorry about that, baby."

"Oh, moni, its okay. I know you've been busy and tired lately, and I dont wanna be a clingy girlfriend, so I let you have your own space." 

"I don't care if your clingy, I still love you." He gives me a small peck. "Now lets stay like this for a while, then i'll take you somewhere, okay princess?" I giggle, his little nickname for me.

"Okay, my prince.'' He laughs at that.

A/N: this chapter is quite long, it took me 2 days to complete. :D Hope you like it :))