In Between Us

Chapter 4

I tried to reach for my phone to snooze off my alarm. I don’t feel like going to work. I was awake, I think, until 3 in the morning searching for jobs. I managed to find only 3 and straight away sent my application.

When I realised something, I stood up from my bed. I’ll see what I can get in the newspaper.

I am currently renting a room in Paco Manila. My work is in BGC, about 30-40 minutes to travel from here if there’s no traffic.

My roommates are not here anymore. Their call time is earlier than mine, so I always end up eating my breakfast alone in the morning.  There are 3 of us renting this small apartment. Each of us pay Php 3000 every month. We have a small dining and living room fitted in our rectangular open plan living area. Everything in this apartment is small. We cannot do the cooking all together because of the limited space too. That is why we need to assign one person to be the cook every week.

I am the last one to get into this apartment. The other girls had been here for like 2 years before I joined them. At first, we seldom talk, but later on, we jive. We became friends eventually, which was a good thing. It’s difficult if you cannot get along with your housemates, it’s either you stay and keep mum or leave and find another house.

May, one of my housemates, is younger than me by 3 years and the other one, Candy, is older than me by 5 years. We called her “Ate”. I have been here since I started my job at Delta Tech. I stayed in this small apartment mainly because I am already comfortable with these 2 people. All of us have the initiative to help one another, like cooking rice, cleaning the house and giving way if someone really needs to do the laundry. These are simple but common reasons for starting a fight or misunderstanding within a house.

I went straight to the kitchen to get some warm water, then the toilet. After washing up and fixing my hair, I went outside to find some newspaper. On the sidewalk, I could see familiar faces selling fruits and vegetables. It’s really a busy street here every single day. I looked around to find a newspaper vendor, which I quickly found.

Right after I paid the man for the newspaper, I went straight back home. Our house is just a few steps away from these people selling different stuff, so I can easily see our house from where I am standing.

I stopped when I saw a man standing right in front of the gate. He is wearing a yellow uniform holding a bouquet of flowers.

This is the first time I will see a man delivering flowers here. With an interested face visible on my face, I got closer. “Hi Sir. For whom?” I asked.

“Ma’am, it’s for Cara Bernabe.” While reading the card from the flower he is carrying. I was surprised. I looked at the flowers and realized they were tulips. ‘My favourite flower.’ Without any doubt, I know who sent me these flowers.

I can’t be mistaken. There’s no one whom she knows will give these flowers to her. He is the only one who knows, well, of course, my mother. How did he know where I am living? Oh yeah, President my ass.

I wanted to tell the delivery guy to return it to whoever requested to send this flower for but I felt pity on him since the flower is somehow huge, he is struggling to keep the flowers so that when the correct person receives it, it is still in good condition.

“It’s me Sir.” I took it from the rider.

Right after I signed the document, the rider left. I waited until I couldn’t see the rider anymore.

I turned my attention to the flowers I was holding. I moved my gaze around me and saw a garbage bin across the street. I cross the street and when I am almost close to throwing it in the bin, guilt strikes me. I felt pity for the flowers so I didn’t push them into the bin.

I don’t want anything inside the apartment that has something to do with him. Well, of course, except for one thing.

I walk back to the sidewalk while carrying the bouquet and the newspaper. I saw a lady, I think in her 20’s and offered it to her.

I saw her eyes sparkle. She was so happy upon getting the flowers and was so thankful. I smiled at her timidly and went back to the house.

While having my breakfast, I was in deep thought about why he was doing this. Perhaps to lessen his guilt? To ask sorry? If yes, I’m not yet ready. Nothing that he would do at this time would make him free of my hatred towards him. 

I should not be thinking about this. I reached for the newspaper to start browsing for any job-related post. Since I already took leave, I hope I can find some kind of job trade today. I informed the HR and Victor about my leave early this morning before I went to bed.

I was almost at the end of the newspaper when my phone suddenly rang.

It’s Victor.

I picked up the phone and answered him.

“Hi Sir.” I greeted him.

“How are you?” I heard from the other line.

“Feeling better Sir. I just need a rest for a day perhaps.” Victor is a father figure to me, so I found it easy for me to open up things to him. One of the reasons I think why I don’t want to leave the company is because of him. I may find a company with a better salary, but there are few people whom I will meet that will give their trust and support you. I have always thought that it is so rare to find a person who will be true to you. A manager that can trust you and believes in you.

“ OK then, if you need more days, just let me know. Might as well take your leave until Friday? OK, take your leave then until Friday. See you on Monday.” then he ended the call.

‘What?’ That was quick. I wasn’t able to react. ‘He didn’t even ask me if I wanted to take leave. Do I really need them?’ I suddenly brushed my face, thinking that stress might be so obvious in my face that is why he just let me rest. Instead of calling Victor back, I decided to go with 3 days' leave, which is until Friday.

I decided to take a shower and let my feet take me to the place where I think I can refresh and think.

“Deep tissue massage Ma’am?” the staff asked me.

I am already lying on my tummy in a Thai massage shop inside a shopping mall here in Boni.

“Yes please.”

‘When was the last time I went for a massage?’ I asked myself.

“This is really stiff, Ma’am, and you have lots of cold.” I just smiled though she cannot see me. ‘Yeah, I know’.

“Ma’am turn around please.” I heard a voice and quickly woke up after I felt someone is touching my shoulder. I was awakened by her gentle tap on my shoulder.

“Ohh sorry, I fell to sleep.” I told the lady.

“It’s OK Ma’am, that’s normal. Sometimes the other customer is harder to wake up than you.” She giggled. “I hope you are liking the massage so far, Ma’am.” she continued. She looks like my age or maybe a little older by 2-3 years.

After my massage, I went inside a clothing boutique, to do my window shopping. Yes, just window shopping because I cannot pamper myself with these clothes, I don’t have enough money to do it. But window shopping is fun and it distresses me.

I like printed dresses that are lighter in colour. Wearing them, I feel more beautiful, more confident, more refined. ‘These dresses really are beautiful. I can buy 1 dress as a reward, but I only do that like quarterly.’

I strolled around the mall until I heard my phone beeping. OK, it’s time for lunch. I decided to go to a Japanese restaurant. I craved ramen and sushi, so that’s what I got.

I indulge myself with food until I feel full.

I am planning to go to church after this. I’ll be walking to reach the place. Actually, it’s one of my ways too, since I don’t want to spend on the things that I can save at least. The church is also a walking distance from here.

This is my last stop before I head home. I sat down in the left side corner close to the altar.

There are about 10 of us here inside. It was quiet. It was solemn.

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and started to reflect on the things that were making me so wary, stressed and emotional.

It was him. Lucas. 

‘Hearing his name, seeing him or him getting near me gives me so much emotional stress. Yes Lord, I haven’t forgiven him and I’m sorry for that. I can’t, not now, maybe someday, maybe someday Lord. May you still forgive me, Lord, if I cannot do the same for him. What he did was beyond repair. I hope you understand, Lord, why I am feeling this way.

But Lord, I need your help. I can’t be miserable every day. My mental health is suffering. Please help me to at least slowly accept his presence and, every time that happens, help me to guard my heart against him. Protect me Lord, from him, so that he cannot hurt me again. Help me, Lord, to act normally even if he is around so that his presence will not affect me anymore, that this hatred will come to a stop. My heart has been full of anger for the past month and, honestly, I am already tired. I am putting my heart and my health in an unhealthy state. I am asking for your help, Lord, if I can be at least civil towards him, set aside what happened and just move on. Lord, please help me. Help my heart to overcome the pain every time I see him, to let my heart dwell peacefully even if he is around, to let my heart jump for joy to those people around me even if he is present.’

My eyes are full of tears. I’m letting myself, not even controlling, not even minding, even other people could see me flooded with tears. Maybe in this way, I can fully surrender to the Lord all my heartaches, my suffering and be free now.

Flashback

10 years ago, I was this teenager embracing a new life in Manila. I come from Lucena City. Manila was a totally new world to me. I came there to fulfill my dream of becoming an Engineer. I have no idea what life is ahead of me. I was given the chance to study at UP Diliman because I passed UPCAT. I also got a scholarship from the government of Lucena, which made it easier for me to pursue college. Without the scholarship, I couldn't make it to college. My family is as poor as you can ever imagine.

My early days in UP were tough, challenging, exciting and fun. Some of my classmates became my friends, but I got closer to Joanne and Ria. One day Joanne asked us to join Pep squad. We’ve made new friends because of that. One of them is Therese. We are batch mates actually, but she’s on a different course. We are almost of the same height and she has a beautiful skin tone, a fair skin tone, while mine is morena. I also found her so pretty and a fashionista.

We became close friends before the championship. Yes, we made it to the top, competing against NU.

Therese started to become open about her crush. Every time we were with her, she didn’t miss any chance of mentioning him. I became curious and wanted to see what this guy looked like. But I don’t know his name. She never mentioned it to us, I realized. From how Therese describes him, he looks like the actor Daniel Padilla. I wanted to find mine too, a crush. Something that will excite me every time I get to see him.

I thought I was the only one who was curious about Daniel, ‘my code name’, but my friends too. They wanted to see the Ateneo guy as well. Therese agreed to take us with her. Since Ateneo is just a few mins away from UP, I also didn’t bother to go along with them.

It was already 3 pm when we reached the canteen in Ateneo. Therese told us that their team usually stay in this place right after their practice. Today is Wednesday and it is their practice session. While waiting, I suddenly wanted to use the toilet. No one wanted to join me since they wanted to see the guy as soon as they arrived. Therese pointed to me where the toilet was and so I just followed.

I was almost nearing the toilet when someone bumped me from my back. I almost lost my balance when I felt some strong arms wrapped my waist so as to prevent myself from falling.

“Ooops, that was close.” I heard behind me.

I turned my head only to realise that the guy holding me was so close to me. I felt his breathing. I looked into his eyes, his nose, his face, then his lips. I was like hypnotised, is that even true? But that’s what I felt the moment I looked at him. He has a perfect jaw. His lips are so right, sculpted nose and dark brown eyes.

“Be careful next time, Ms.” he said.

I smell his breath, it’s minty. He smiled and let go of me after I settled down. Without any words, he just walked away. I was stunned but, at the same time, felt saddened all of a sudden.

‘Girls must be drooling over him. He is so good at being real. His girlfriend must be so lucky to have such a boyfriend like him.’ I said to myself.

I walked inside the toilet, remembering his face and his scent too.

‘Ahhhh, I think I found mine!’ I almost screamed.

It’s just a happy crush. I am smiling while looking at myself in the mirror. Then my eyes turned sad. I know I can’t go near him again. It was an accident. That is why I found him. ‘When will I ever see him again? Is he from Ateneo? He was wearing jersey. Maybe I can stalk him on f*******: or IG. I need to find him. Possibly he is on Ateneo’s page..hmmm what is their team name? Oh yes, Blue Eagles.’

I was stunned while on my way back to my friends.

Therese is gone when I’m back. 

“Where’s Therese?” I asked the girls.

“That girl, she left us.” Joanne said, referring to Therese.

He is so good looking. I also love his scent. But..he looks rich. This is the first time I saw a guy like him, affecting me.

“Cara, hello!” Ria, snapping her fingers in front of me.

I furrowed and turned to her.

“Yes?” I asked blankly.

“What are you thinking?” it was Ria.

“N-nothing. I’m hungry, are you planning to eat here?” I asked instead to avoid the conversation about what happened a while ago.

I have some biscuits inside my bag. I always bring them with me because I don’t want to spend a single cent when I am out. Eating outside UP campus is not included in my budget. Even today's walk is not budgeted. Nevermind. Today is worth it because I found my happy crush.

“Hey, you were spacing out.” Ria, again.

“Sorry, sorry, I just remembered something.” I lied.

“What is it? Family problem?” Joanne asked.

This is why I hate lying. I need to come up with more lies to cover up my lie. I put my fingers into my temple trying to think of what to say.

Before I could utter any words, I heard my friends speak.

“s**t! Therese?” Ria while looking at my back.

“OMG! Is that him? The Ateneo guy? My God! He is soooo gorgeous!” I saw their eyes amazed at something.

I turned around to see what they were looking at.

There, I saw them walking towards where we were sitting while Therese was holding the guy’s arms. It was the same guy that I bumped in the toilet. My eyes stuck for a second until he caught my stare.

I quickly moved back my gaze to our table, unable to react. I was shocked. I swallowed hard.

‘Her Daniel Padilla’. I bit myself for that realization. ‘Therese is such a lucky girl. She found mine first.’

“They are coming this way.” Joanne said while feeling thrilled.

I felt nervous.

“Dude, that's Justine. You need to guard him.”

“Yeah, I know. I just got distracted.”

Their conversation while they were walking.

“Aww..they’re not.” Joanne added after Therese passed by our table.

They walked past by our table. Therese didn’t bother to look at us.

“Let’s go? Or do you still want to stay?” I told my friends.

“Let’s go.” Joan added.

“ OK.” Ria answered. All of them packed their things and stood up. 

My heart hurts. I just found my own Daniel Padilla, but it seems like he is impossible.

But it’s just a happy crush, right? That’s all and I’m not expecting that he will like me back. Anyway, he already has Therese and definitely I will not pass his criteria.

There could be lots of girls fantasizing about him. Given those looks, I don’t think he will have a hard time finding a girl. Perhaps the girl will chase after him, he will just pick whoever he likes.