Near yet Untouchable

“Sana ako na lang si Zaphina.” “Sana kagaya niya ako.” I always heard these words, as if I was the luckiest person. Pretty face… good grades… nice body… confidence… lots of talent — these are the things they see in me. They don’t know that I feel incomplete despite my appearance and personality. All my life, I never wished for a luxurious life or fame. The only thing I wished for was a complete family — for my father to be alive, to be with us. “Ma, ready na ba yung food?” Mommy asked Lola, and she nodded in response. Today is my birthday, and we're celebrating it at Solset Beach Resort — a famous destination known for its breathtaking sunset views. Now, we're eagerly waiting for the sun to set. As the sun dips lower, the sky becomes a living canvas — shifting from soft pink to blazing orange, then fading into a deep, wistful purple. Each color bleeds into the next, like time slipping quietly through our fingers. Watching it, you realize sunsets are gentle reminders that endings can be beautiful too… that even the brightest days will surrender to the calm of night. But that’s a lie. Endings aren’t beautiful. They’re cruel. They steal without warning and leave you staring at the empty space where someone should be. His death is my reminder — and I hate it. Akala ko magiging payapa, masaya, at unforgettable ang birthday ko, pero mali ako. Unforgettable nga, kasi ito ang araw kung kailan siya kinuha sa amin ng Panginoon. God didn’t grant my wish — to celebrate my birthday together with my family. I never thought that my birthday would be this painful. That my dad leave me at my birthday. August 19 my favorite date, ang palagi kong hinihintay na araw. Pero ngayon I hate this date... I hate the day when I was born. Dati, ayaw kong umiyak dahil malaki na ako. I’m 8 now, so I shouldn’t be crying. I promised Dad that I wouldn’t cry. “Promise me that you won’t cry,” he said, wiping my tears. “’Di ba you’re big na, so stop crying na, okay?” I nodded and smiled at him. I’m grown up and a big girl now… so I should stop crying. But how can I stop myself when my dad is gone and will never come back? Niyakap ko nang mahigpit ang kanyang larawan dahil hindi ko na siya mayayakap pa. "Hi, can I sit here?" he said, pointing to the chair beside me. I didn't respond. “you should stop crying because you're getting ugly” he said, and hand me his handkerchief. “how can I stop crying when my dad is gone...” mas lalong lumakas ang paghikbi ko. “tingin mo, matutuwa ba ang daddy mo kapag nakita niyang umiiyak ang prinsesa niya.” Tama siya, I should stop crying. After a few minutes, I totally calm myself. I started ranting and expressing my emotions to him. It's like I have known him for years. Napakagaan ng loob ko pagkatapos kong magkwento sa kanya. I never thought that someone will understand me, since my dad left I had no one to talk to...even my mom. “Anak let's go” his mom call her. We both say our goodbyes. I thought I was okay but when he left, I feel alone again. I feel like no one understands me no ones here to comfort me. For me, it's painful to see your dad laying on white coffin wearing white barong with his eyes close. No life.... Sana pala hindi ko na siya pinayagang umalis...sana pala pinilit ko siyang sumama samin. Edi sana kasama pa namin siya. Dumating ang grandparents ko pero hindi ko sila tinapunan ng tingin bagkus ay nakatingin lang ako sa coffin ni Daddy. Sinubukan kong ibaling ang atensyon sa ibang bagay ngunit bumalik ang mata ko sa coffin. Lumipas ang araw at ngayon na ang araw kung kailan siya ililibing. I don't want to leave... I can't handle seeing him leave...I just stay there hugging him coffin. “Zep-zep” tawag sakin ni mama, ngunit hindi ko siya pinansin. “magbihis kana, I already prepared your clothes” I wipe my tears and face her “Mommy pwede bang dito nalang si daddy?” “no baby, hindi pwede” lumuhod siya para magpantay kami. “I know it's hard baby, pero kailangan nating pakawalan ang daddy mo. I want to keep him too but we can't do that. Once you grow older you'll understand what I mean, okay?” I nodded like a obedient daughter. Habang palapit nang palapit kami sa sementeryo mas lalong naninikip ang dibdib ko. Thinking that this would be the last I'll be seeing him. And I can't just move on from the past... I can't let go of him. Maybe someday but not today. Before siya ilibing, I hug his coffin. Cried there for a moment. Dahan-dahan ng nilagay ang coffin niya sa bangin. “No! Daddy!” I scream out loud. Kuya hug me tightly trying to comfort me. Kung pwede lang sumama kay daddy ginawa ko na. I thought wala nang mas masakit pa...akala ko tanggap ko na pero hindi pa pala. Pagpasok ko sa bahay, parang wala na itong buhay. Wala na ang haligi na nagsisilbing aming lakas at sandigan. Pati ang ilaw ay nawalan na ng liwanag. Tahimik ang bahay pero iba ang tahimik nito. Every place at our house reminded me of him. Our memories came flashing back. Pagpasok ko sa kwarto ay humiga ako sa kama. I hugged his picture thinking it was him. I let my tears fall. Dad I miss you...bumalik kana. Please I'm begging you...