Ember

8 - I feel like I'm going crazy!

Ember

Lydia and I haven’t spoken about what happened the other night. I know that she remembers; I see it in her eyes each time she looks at me. However, I can’t bring myself to mention it.

What would be the point?

Lydia and I are back to being the best friends we’ve always been, and things are more comfortable between us. She’s given up using drugs to punish herself, and I’m proud of her for that. She even came home yesterday with a full drug screening to prove that she’s clean.

I was surprised her father never found out what she’s been up to concerning drugs. But I don’t question it because Lydia is good at hiding things, even from her Mafia Don father. Even if he did find out, Lydia would just lie her way out of it, as always. Draven is not a stupid man and would check out what Lydia told him. He would never want anything to happen to her. However, Lydia would again lie and make up something so the Don would feel sorry for her. The man is too soft when it comes to his daughter. Nothing is ever her fault, and Daddy will always fix everything.

I wondered if Lydia was finally moving past what haunts her, though I could tell that something was still bothering her, which was strange when she usually never kept things from me.

Don’t get me wrong, we still watch movies, laugh at the shi.t plot lines, and make eyes at the sex.y actors. We talk like we always do, but something is missing. She’s hardly home at night, and she’s evasive when I ask her where she’s been. Which again isn’t like Lydia.

Toby is still treating me like a stranger, and it’s only getting worse. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he gets angry and tells me to stop going on at him all the time. That’s not what I’m doing, but I want to know where I stand.

Is that too much to ask?

I wouldn’t mind, but it’s unfair of him to treat me like this. We don’t spend much time together because he’s always too busy. He barely even answers my phone calls these days. Come to think of it, it’s hours before he replies to my texts. His tone is always sharp, and I wonder why we’re still doing this. Toby won’t touch me but to kiss my cheek. I know he’s finding it hard to get past what I told him, but it’s not like I was a vile slut and cheated on him. It was a simple kiss lasting less than a second, and I told him about it immediately. Toby is taking this whole thing way too far, and it’s starting to wear me down.

I was struggling with a decision of whether or not to join Dun’s Dungeon. However, with how Toby is acting, all I want is to leave. I felt on top of the world when I sang for Colin and his friends. I closed my eyes and imagined myself on stage, singing for fans, and I loved it.

I noticed Marco watching me a few times while I sang and even when I played each instrument. I hate myself for liking him the way I do. I can’t even say it’s merely lust because it’s more than that. I love Toby, and I would never cheat on him, but I know that Toby doesn’t want me any longer.

So, why am I still holding onto a man who doesn’t want me?

Marco wants me, and he hardly makes a secret of it. Each time he looks at me, I feel something shift inside me. The only trouble with Marco is that he’s an obvious man-whor.e. That, and he takes drugs and drinks too much. I do not judge others based on their choices because their choices are theirs alone to make. However, I could not be with someone who took drugs. I would be on tenterhooks every day, wondering if this was the day I lost them to an overdose. Plus, when someone takes drugs, they’re a lot to handle. Attitudes change, and accidents happen. They are not in their right minds, and somebody could end up dead. I couldn’t deal with the heartache it would bring. Not that I’m saying Marco is a drug addict, but it could end up that way, especially when he becomes a fully fledged rock star out on the road. No doubt there will be drugs everywhere, at parties and such.

Would he be able to resist?

Would I even be able to handle being in a band with a man who could end up walking that road?

I like Marco, and I know we could become good friends. I would hate to see a friend fall so far down a hole they couldn’t get back out and end up dead.

I’ve been around man whore.s my whole life. It doesn’t make them bad people. They like se.x with a variety of people, and I’m okay with that if that is what they choose to do. But I swore I’d never date one. Not that I want to date Marco Russo, but he’s hot, and I can’t help staring at him each time he’s in the same room as me.

That’s terrible of you, Ember! What about Toby?

Toby doesn’t give a damn about me; I know that deep down. He hasn’t stayed over with me in the week that followed Lydia kissing me, and he hasn’t let me stay with him. It’s like he can’t bear to be too close to me. I don’t understand why Toby is acting like I had se.x with someone else, and as if he’s disgusted with me but trying not to be. Toby tells me that he loves me now and again while then telling me that he’s sorry. I don’t know what he’s sorry for, though, because he won’t tell me.

The stress is starting to make me ill. I do not know where Toby and I stand or if he even loves me anymore. I’m unsure if Lydia’s trying to kiss me warrants this kind of treatment. I feel sick because I’ve worked so hard to get Toby to talk to me about what happened so we can move forward. But he tells me to drop it and that he’s not interested. He yells at me and accuses me of wanting to be with others when that is just not true! I can’t eat, and I hardly sleep. I’ve turned into the kind of person I loathe, and I can’t deal with that.

I think it’s time I faced facts. Toby is no longer in love with me, and staying with him will only break my heart.

I know, deep down, that I should end things. If I want to get back to being me, then I need to cut out the dead weight. Toby will only hold me back from doing what I want to do. If the way he acts toward me is anything to go by, at least.

No, I deserve better than this. I know I do, but something is stopping me from saying the words I know I should say. The red flags in our relationship are glaringly obvious, even to me.

However, there is something stopping me. Perhaps I’m afraid of what Toby’s reaction will be. I’m not stupid; I know I will get through our breakup. It’s finding the courage to say the words. Toby won’t be happy, even if he knows that we have run our course.

I really want to join Dun’s Dungeon, but I know I will never be able to while I’m still with Toby. Yes, I have my reservations because of Snakes Henchmen, but if I spoke with Jett and found out where he stands on the subject, it would make it easier to tell Toby. Then I think how terrible it would be to talk to my uncle before my boyfriend.

God, I feel like I’m going crazy!