Ember

9 - Take a leap

Ember

Right now, all three of us are watching an old movie. I’m sitting on the couch next to Toby. I have my feet under my ass and my head on his shoulder. He isn’t touching me in any way; his eyes are glued to the screen, he’s stiff in his seat, his arms folded over his chest, and I feel like I don’t belong here with him anymore.

I thought he wouldn’t want to be in a room with Lydia after what happened, but they seem to have formed an even closer friendship, which is crazy if you ask me.

But if Toby can forgive Lydia and become friends with her, why can’t he forgive me?

I’m not asking anyone to feel sorry for me, but I believe that if you tell someone that you love them, and they love you in return when tough times come along, you work together to fix things. But I also know that it’s never really mended once the trust is broken.

Lydia takes off to the kitchen to grab more beer. Not that I want one; I’m tired. It’s been days since I had any real sleep. I haven’t eaten for two days, and I’m starting to feel weak from it. Trust me, I’m not starving myself, but I can’t find my appetite. I know one thing, there’s no way on this earth I could ever do something criminal; the fuckin.g guilt would kill me.

My grandma always said that I was a one-off. I’m not like everyone else in the family. They all do things that aren’t strictly legal, but they don’t give me any information about it, nor do they confirm they have anything to do with such activities because they know I’d become a guilty mess.

I’m not stupid; I know Snakes Henchmen MC do bad things to people, but I know those people aren’t innocent, and they’ve hurt people they shouldn’t have hurt. I know Lydia’s father does things that are... Well, let’s just say he’s a murdering bastard like all Mafia Don’s. But I don’t get involved in things that don’t concern me. I can put it all out of my head as long as the innocent aren’t hurt.

But this thing with Toby... He’s cold towards me over something that didn’t happen. Yes, it hurt him, but nothing happened.

Why can’t he just let this go?

“Toby?” I lift off him and cup his face with my hand, turning him to look at me. He breathes deeply through his nose. He’s annoyed with me for touching him.

Does he really find me this repulsive?

I bite the inside of my cheek to stop the quiver of my lower lip. I let go of Toby’s face and clasp my hands together while looking down at them. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, too scared that my voice will crack if I speak any louder.

God, I don’t want to be here right now. I should have gone to my parents for the night. Anything would have been better than this.

“What’s going on?” I don’t answer Lydia; I’m trying hard not to cry. I can’t take this anymore. “Em?”

I shake my head and clasp my hands over my face. I can’t stop the tears. I tried so hard, but I failed.

“Ember,” Toby sighs and grabs my hands.

I pull away from him and get to my feet. I won’t have him feeling sorry for me. I don’t deserve the way he’s treating me, but I won’t have him say sorry just because he feels guilty.

“I’m trying so hard...” I swallow back the sob in my throat. I don’t want to make a scene in front of Lydia, but I’m tired of this. I’d rather Toby leave me if he doesn’t want me anymore because I can’t deal with this. “I don’t understand why you’re doing this to me, Toby. I’ve tried every day for a week to fix our relationship, but you won’t even look at me. Yet you’re friendly with Lydia, which I’m even more confused about, especially when you’re angry with me about what happened. If you don’t want me anymore, please just tell me because I can’t live like this. This is killing me, Toby.”

“Oh, Em,” I sob as Lydia wraps her arms around me and holds me. “It’s okay, babe.” She rubs my back and lets me cry. “Toby’s just been a dic.k. Aren’t you?” She hisses with conviction.

“Yeah, let’s all pretend everything’s normal, shall we?”

I sob harder at Toby’s words. He’s never going to forgive me. It wasn’t even a real kiss, for God’s sake!

Why are you crying, Ember? Just tell the man it’s over so you can move on with your life. You know you’re better off leaving this place and becoming the musician you’ve always wanted to be.

“Don’t do this!” Lydia yells at him. “Not now, Toby. Please. This isn’t fair to Ember. You know that as well as I do.”

Toby doesn’t say anything for a moment, and I can tell they’re sharing a look. I don’t know what that look is saying, but I know Lydia is really pissed with Toby right now. He had better be careful; if he pushes her too far, she’ll beat him. She’s got a short fuse and a violent temper when pushed, has Lydia, and she doesn’t care how big a man is or how badly he could hurt her, she’ll kick the shi.t out of him.

Toby takes my arm and pulls me away from Lydia and into his arms. “I’m sorry, Ember, I didn’t mean to make you cry.” He kisses my head.

“Why are you still with me, Toby, when I know you don’t want to be? Please don’t pretend you do because it’s undeniable that you don’t. Why are you prolonging this? Just let me go.” I say that, but I’m clinging to him tightly. I don’t want him to leave me, but I don’t want him to stay with me out of duty. I also don’t know why I don’t want him to leave me. My head is a mess!

I don’t believe that Lydia kissing me made Toby act this way; I just think it made him realize that he doesn’t love me the way he thought he did. It’s cruel for him to hold onto me like this when he could just let me go now so that I can begin to heal.

Toby’s arms hold me tighter against his body, and his lips touch my forehead softly. “I’m sorry I’ve made you feel like this. I’m not going anywhere, Ember.”

I close my eyes and breathe him in. “But you can’t forgive me for what happened, Toby. You hate being near me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive, Ember. I promise.” I nod my head, even though I don’t believe the words he’s speaking. He kisses my head again and pulls away from me. I expected nothing less. “I best be getting home. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Then he kisses my cheek and walks away from me.

I cross my arms over my now-freezing body and turn to look at Lydia. She feels sorry for me; it’s written all over her face.

I sigh and sniff hard. “I’m going to bed.”

“Try and get some sleep, babe. Things will look better in the morning.” Sure, they will.

I nod and take myself to my room, where I cry myself to sleep. At least I fall asleep.

That’s something, right?

No, Ember, it isn’t. You deserve better than this. Toby has no right to treat you so badly, and you know it. He’s the one who promised that he’d never hurt you, but look at what he’s doing; he is hurting you. Don’t put up with it, girl. You know deep in your heart that it’s over between you. Don’t be his doormat.

****

I can’t say I’ve been wallowing about things the past few days; I haven’t. I’ve pulled myself out of my sadness and guilt, and I’m carving a life for myself. If Toby doesn’t want me, then fine, I’ll move on. He and I need to have a talk soon. I think it’s time I ended things. It’s better that way. I deserve more than a man who puts me down and treats me like shi.t. I intended to find it.

I will also be speaking with my dad and Jett to find out if they would be okay with me joining Dun’s Dungeon. I’ve also been busy writing a song for Dun’s Dungeon. Even if I didn’t join the band, I wanted to write for them as promised.

Spending time with the guys as a band the past few days has been amazing. I get on with every one of them, and they make me feel part of the group. Marco seems to be able to wrap me around his little finger because, after five minutes of talking privately with him, I could feel my heart beating faster. It’s so wrong, but Marco makes me hot, and yes, I mean sexuall.y. I’m scared that I’m growing feelings for Marco, and I don’t know what to do about them.

How can I be falling for a man who sleeps with everything that moves?

How can I be such a hypocrite?

You’re not a hypocrite, Ember. You know that Toby doesn’t want you anymore, so end things and move on. It’s not wrong to like Marco. What’s wrong is if you act on your feelings while you’re still with Toby.

I feel like crap about myself, and I need something in my life that makes me feel good. I’m not talking about se.x or the fact Marco wants to get into my panties; I’m talking about my music. Music is the one thing that will always be mine - the one thing that will never desert me. Dun’s dungeon is where I need to be right now.

It means so much to me that the boys love my songs. The band is about to hit the big time. There’s no escaping that because everyone is talking about them. The fact they want me to join them is scary, but a good scary.

Colin told me that I had nothing to worry about. He knows that I don’t want people to find out about Snakes Henchmen MC and that we could make up a background of my life that the band’s management could make sound accurate to the world. I realized how badly Colin wanted me to join him and the others if he was willing to go to such lengths to convince me. He knows how much music means to me, and if I go on tour with them, I’ll get a taste of what it’s like on the road.

Marco said that I should take the chance and go with them. Now is my time to be happy, and why would I deny myself happiness? I don’t know; maybe they had a point. Perhaps I should put myself and what I want first. I know my parents would understand, and I’d make Jett see that I’d never endanger the club. If I do, maybe they’ll be okay with me leaving.

I told Colin and Marco that I would think about their offer and let them know as soon as possible. I don’t have long to decide, and I have to let them know by the end of play today.

I had so many doubts and reservations swimming through my mind. Leaving my family for months was a big one, not to mention the club, my friends, and, of course, Toby. I don’t know anymore. If I look deep inside, I know nothing is stopping me from leaving.

Be brave, Ember. Take a leap and go for it.