If it wasn’t for him.

I jumped as my phone blared out signaling it was time to wake up. “Ugh.” I sighed. Another tired day. I sat up and shifted my body to the edge of the bed. My feet touching the cold wood floor. Being in high school is always so fun in movies but why do I not feel the “fun” yet. I slowly shuffled my feet into my pink fluffy house shoes, and made my way to the bathroom. I stood there with tears forming in my eyes. I’m just so tired. I started my shower, moving the knob to hot making sure it was as hot as possible. I stripped away my Winnie the Pooh pajamas and stepped in. I winced at the scalding temperature and began breathing through it. This was my version of self harm. Knowingly putting myself through pain when showers are suppose to be peaceful. It was 6 in the morning. I woke up early everyday so I wouldn’t intrude or take up anyone’s time in the bathroom and had time to cry. I stepped out, my skin lobster red. I wrapped my hair up in a towel and grabbed my robe. I turned on the faucet to splash my raw pink face, then headed to my room. I sat on the edge of my bed looking out my window. The snow was so beautiful, beautiful snowflakes piling up on one another creating little mountains by my window. I began getting ready then headed out to walk to my bus stop. I could hear the crunch under my boots each step I took. It was such an enticing sound, stepping in fresh snow. My heart started racing as I reached the bus stop, it was surrounded by about 15 people but only one person in that group made my heart race. There he was, tall, milky white skin, brown eyes, dirty blonde hair, and his gapped smile. He was bundled up in joggers and a sweater with our high schools name on it. Next to him was his best friend who he shared the same name with. Duke. His friend was the opposite though. He was shorter with beautiful blue green eyes, a tight very short beard and black hair. He was my friend first. I distanced myself from the group. I could hear whispers but I tuned them out with my headphones. The cold felt like slices to my face, eyes watering and legs trembling. “Finally.” I whispered to myself as I saw the bus inching towards us. Everyone entered in a hurry filing up the back of the bus as I dropped into the third row on the left. It was more of a seat I assigned myself in the beginning of the year. I put my knees up in the seat in front of me and stared out the window. As we made a stop I felt a tap on my shoulder. “Hey Annalise” Eddie said smiling at me. I left out a warm smile and tapped my hand on the open seat next to me. “Come. Sit here” I said in a low tired voice. He knew something was wrong. “Anna are you ok?” His voice was concerned and it made my heart flutter knowing at least one person cared. “Yes petunia, I’m alright” I smiled lightly putting my head on his shoulder. I couldn’t help but feel guilty that I lied to my best friend. No Eddie isn’t my boyfriend he is a very close friend I intend on keeping a friend. He’s a little younger than me and we are more brother and sister than anything. We talk about everything. I remember when we nicknamed him petunia. We were talking about v*****s and his way of censoring them because he thought it was such a vulgar word was to call it a petunia. It just stuck and I ended up calling him that. “You know I’ll always be here for you.” He put a hand on my cheek and kissed the top of my head. “And I’ll always thank you for that” I said, closing my eyes and dozing off. I tried to think where everything went wrong. Where I went from this happy girl to this closed off tired human. I wasn’t always like this. 5 months ago i transferred into this school and within those 5 months my life turned upside down. Because of him. When I first came to I was this shy but bright bubbly energetic girl. I wore fitted clothing but stylish to hug my curves. I was hour glass shaped. I wore VS leggings tucked into my uggs with high cut long sleeve shirts. Our school didn’t have a dress code, as long as your ass or t**s weren’t hanging out you’re good. I made friends with 5 people one of them being a girl I lived two houses down from, the other she lived about 3 blocks from me, Eddie, Blake(Lyn), and Penelope. We were a nice tight knitted group. We’d always hang out after school at a little park in between all of our houses. We’d push each other on the swings or lay out in the grass and laugh about the dumb s**t we’d see in school. But ever since it started snowing it’s been too cold to do that. Sadness filled my heart when I looked back at the happiness I once was filled with. I come from a Hispanic family, they believe that we shouldn’t be sad, that life inside the house is good and so should we be. I felt like there was something wrong with me. Why am I sad? My parents were nice to me and nothing was wrong but my brain felt like it was wired differently and I was just always sad. I couldn’t disappoint my parents so I never told them that I was, I just told them I had a long day and would go lay down. They were too caught up in their own lives that they didn’t question me. We got to school and I began rummaging through my locker to grab what I needed for the first 3 periods. I slammed it shut and to my surprise Marie was standing there. “BOO” she squeaked “What the f**k is wrong with you” I shrieked, as we both started laughing. “You seemed down this morning so I figured I’d put some pep in your step” “Thank you I appreciate you more than you know” “Have you spoken to him?” She said in a low cautious tone. “No” I replied coldly. “Not since he took what he wanted and disappeared without a word.” My words hit her like a punch to the gut. She blinked fast to get rid of any tears she was going to let out for me. “He’s going to explain you’ll see” I laughed “Yeah we’ll see” I said as I walked away into my first period.