Kindred Fate

I looked out my small-clouded window and watched the sun rise, a flutter in my chest. I couldn't help but smile watching the sunrays shoot up and push the night away making way for the bright sun. I felt a shiver and a tickle all over me like I had a thousand butterflies batting their wings against my skin just remembering the night I spent at the beach with Ash. We watched the moon disappear and the sun take its place, his arms wrapped lovingly around me, his body keeping me warm as the cool ocean breeze teased me with goose bumps. I hugged myself and sighed longingly. I could still feel his arms there, his breath in the nape of my neck, his warm body curve around me as I sank deeper into his embrace and his bouquet mixed with the sweet ocean scent that made all my senses tingle. "Ash," I whispered feeling giddy. The touch of his name on my lips made me smile. He was the one man who'd managed to turn my life upside down and right side up again. He was both a curse and a blessing in my life but I could never regret loving him. I found myself beside him and saw how much of me I was hiding behind an invisible cloak of fear and isolation. That scared dependent little girl didn't exist anymore, all thanks to him. I was capable of doing things I thought outrageously impossible and powerless over. One of those things was leaving Ash. I felt my heart squeeze as I turned away from the window drawing back the shades to jacket that memory. I sat back on my small, rickety, squeaky bed and placed the pendant Ash gave me back in my memory box. I had been so adamant about not wearing it in the past, but now it was attached to me like a vital body part. The gleam in the corner of my eye drew my attention to the white gold charm bracelet around my wrist. I unclasped it and held it up, holding each charm preciously with the tips of my fingers, putting a face on each. The g-clef represented my baby sister Alice. Dave said my mom described her laugh as a sweet serenade that warmed her heart. Next was the baseball bat, a reminder of Jayson- the only thing it reminded me of was the fastball that hit me in the head. Dave was sure he'd go pro. Then there were two rings looped together, a miniature imitation of my parents' wedding rings. Dave had them drawn that way in his diary. Ash thought it best to design the replicate in that exact way. As clueless as we were about it we kept it as it was. Ann's and Billy's charms made me laugh. Ann's was a g*n and Billy's was a wolf- they were dangling in the same hoop. They were both extremist in everything they did, which worried me at times – a tag team of two crazy people was a recipe for disaster. Joe's and Maria's were also hooped together. A stethoscope and a teddy bear which was appropriate because they were both caring and sweet. Although when it's called for, he becomes the big bad wolf ready protect red riding hood. I smiled tearfully when I touched the two pink and blue booties. I looked at the crib at the foot of my bed and felt my heart leap. This was true love. I crawled to it and leaned against it and watched the two most precious beings in my life pipe and shrill as they moved their legs and arms around. My daughter still kept putting her fist in her mouth reminding me of the image of her being lifted out of my belly. Ash had made an effort to dose it down from the alien horror movie it was to the miracle of life it was supposed to be.  I got to the final charm and felt like I was going to chock on a sob. My fingers shook as I raised it to my lips. It was two hearts with running stitches joining them and four diamonds; each stitch for each person in our new family. I wiped a tear away. The memory of him holding out our charm was still very vivid in my mind like it happened only a few minutes ago. We share a heart, because mine would never beat, if yours didn't exist. Reluctantly, I turned around and placed it in the box too, fighting hard not to break down again and cry my heart out. That box held my life in it; pictures of my family-immediate and extended, Dave's dairy -filled with memories I wasn't around for and those I'd forgotten- and newspaper clippings that used to be the only link to my past before my dad reappeared. I then picked up the photo of Ash, the twins and me and held it close to my heart before I put it back in the box. It had only been a week since I left. Since I left Ash behind, my sisters, Joe and Billy to do one thing my father always demanded of me; to become my mother. It wasn't a difficult decision to make, but it was more arduous to carry out. I left like a thief in the night leaving with my kids, determined not to let them become a part of the Jackson family tragedy. Ash didn't even see it coming. He promised to stay out of my head, a promise he'd kept religiously, just to please me. He was a man of his word, and that virtue had betrayed him. I drove for days just to get to Massachusetts, far enough from Ash's natural and technical radar but not too far in case I needed him to run to my aid. The image of those two dolls haunted me, and it was the last push I needed to grow up. Yes, I was eighteen, but I wasn't a child anymore, I was a mom. I thought the journey would be longer and strenuous with two infants but the twins had been the most perfect little babies ever. I thought I'd be one of those moms' ready to tear out their hair, or dump their babies in the middle of traffic because they wouldn't stop crying. But my kids didn't cry or fuss and once they were fed and changed they were angels. And the only time they did cry was when they wanted my attention and then they'd be quiet, smiling at me giving me the courage and encouragement I needed to stick to my decision. I always felt like they understood me, more than any adult in my life did. They gave me the strength I needed to do what was right, and as much as it hurt leaving Ash, it was the right thing to do.