Renewed

"But I've got you, right?"

Rushing after her was easy, we knew she couldn’t get far but I’d managed to stop Melanie for a moment and suggest we give her a little space. There’s a high chance that Julissa had an opinion about what we were talking about and I knew that it was fuelling her emotions in that moment. So we followed behind her but stayed far enough away for her to have time to process and hopefully calm down a little and want to talk to us. 

She was walking at a fast pace, her entire posture screamed despair and I wanted nothing more than to rush up to her and pull her into my arms but I knew that wouldn’t be the right move. I also wanted to give her a chance to work out her feelings for herself. I knew she could, I knew she had the tools to calm herself down and I didn’t want to be the one holding her back from using them. I knew how important it was to her for her to continue with her own personal growth. 

Melanie, on the other hand, was more reluctant. I knew it was natural, no mother wanted to see her daughter distraught but I also liked the idea of this being a stepping stone for her. Melanie kept Julissa on a tight leash and this was her starting to ease up on it a little. It wasn’t much, but I knew if I hadn’t stopped her, she would have caught up with her daughter by now and urged her to come home.

I tried to put myself in Julissa’s shoes, how she would be feeling after eavesdropping on any part of that conversation. I recalled my own questioning of her feelings, if they were real or if they were simply manifesting from platonic feelings that she’d come to realise sooner or later. If I heard her saying that, I’d probably have a similar reaction. I didn’t like the idea of someone deciding how I felt for me and we’d done exactly that. We’d excluded her from a conversation that she was privy to, one that she had every right to contribute in on. 

My eyes watched as she walked away from us, her steps certain but I knew she had no set destination for where she was going, simply walking to get away. 

We were coming up to an intersection, she was closer and she seemed to have no intention of slowing down. She would though, wouldn’t she?

The more I asked myself the question, the faster my steps became until I was running behind her because she wasn’t slowing down and in truth, I didn’t even think she was comprehending the fact that she was about to cross a road without looking.

She’d just taken a step onto the road when my arm reached out, my hand gripping her elbow and pulling her back into me just as a car zoomed past, finally snapping her back into the here and now. 

I cupped her face between my hand and forced our eyes to meet, my heart racing from the adrenaline of what could have happened. I searched her eyes for a moment, seeing all her confusion, her tears, her fear.

“Don’t ever do that again, okay?” I didn’t mean for my tone to have such a bite in it, I didn’t even know I was angry until that very moment but even the thought that I almost didn’t make it in time left me resenting her for how blase she’d just been with her life. “Say you’ll never do that again, Julissa.”

“I didn’t mean to, I-” Her words came out in stutters and I took a ragged breath in, releasing it as I released her face.

I took a step back as Melanie caught up, running a hand through my hair as my eyes remained on Julissa and her eyes holding mine as Melanie fussed over her. 

“I’m not confused.” She spoke softly, lightly slapping her mother’s hands away until Melanie took a step back herself, focusing solely on her daughter. “I know how I feel.”

“Honey, I didn’t mean it like that, I was just concerned for you both. You don’t know-”

“I know I don’t know about these things,” Julissa blinked away tears before meeting my eyes again. “But I remember what caring about someone feels like, I’m not confused about that.”

“Okay.” I offered her a soft smile after finally pulling myself together. 

“I don’t want you guys talking about how I feel without including me in that conversation. I deserve to be part of that. I deserve to decide on what I feel for myself. I don’t need it dictated to me by anyone other than myself.”

“You’re right.” I agreed, all points I’d chastised myself for already. 

Melanie looked between us with regret settled in her eyes.

Julissa nodded at me for a second before walking over and wrapping her arms around my neck, pulling me into a hug I didn’t know we both needed until that very moment. I pressed a kiss into the side of her head and inhaled her familiar cherry blossom scent. 

“I’m sorry.” I whispered.

“Sorry for scaring you.” She pulled back and leaned in, pressing a light kiss to my lips, seemingly dismissive of her mother’s presence in that moment. “Can we still go out for lunch?”

I looked to Melanie, knowing it may not be a good idea to push the mother’s limits.

“Go ahead,” She rolled her eyes, waving us off. I could see it though, the trust it took for her to believe that Julissa would be okay, the faith it took to accept that maybe Julissa could decide things for herself. 

A smile erupted on the scarred girl’s face that had my heart racing for a completely different reason this time. I felt her hand slip into mine, her eyes shy as they met my own as if she was searching for my reaction to her actions. 

We all made our way back to the house, I had to remind Julissa once again to grab a coat before we both slipped back out of the house and into Mila’s car. 

“What do you feel like? Pizza-”

“Pizza.” She decided instantly, eliciting a laugh from me with her excitement. 

“Why am I not surprised?” I rolled my eyes.

It didn’t take us long to pull up into the parking lot of my favour pizza parlour and it didn’t take very long for Julissa to go rushing inside, more than a little ready for our date. She was goofy in an innocent way that left me smiling as I followed behind her in a slower pace. She was actively reading the menu when I stepped up behind her, placing my hands on her waist and loving the way she turned to smile at me after feeling my touch. There was an assurance in her acceptance that allowed me to feel comfortable in us for a moment, it allowed me to truly believe that this wasn’t going to be something fleeting. 

“You’re my girlfriend now, right?” She turned to me completely, her eyes holding mine and her words bringing my heart to a momentary stop.

Because the very last place I expected for us to be having this conversation was in a pizza joint with the staff eyeing us curiously. 

“Uh...do you want me to be?”

“It means you don’t see anyone else and I don’t see anyone else, right?”

I chuckled lightly, feeling her hands come to rest on my arms. “I wasn’t intending on seeing anyone, regardless of our label.”

“Oh.” Her eyes dropped to the floor for a moment before joining with mine again. “So...you don’t want to be?”

“I don’t want you to feel like we need to put a label on this, you want to take things slow and I’m more than happy for us to do that.”

“I don’t feel like that,” She shook her head slowly, turning around so she could focus on the menu once again. “So it’s settled, we’re girlfriends.”

“Yeah?” I dropped my head to her shoulder and she glanced at me with a gentle smile perched on her lips.

“Yeah.” She affirmed with a nod before pointing to the pizza she wanted. 

“Well in that case,” I ordered our pizza and led her over to a table. “Want to be my date to a stupid office party that I care very little about? My assistant will kill me if I miss out on another one.”

“Sure,” Julissa beamed. “But only if you promise to have fun and have a drink and relax.”

“Lissa, I’m not drinking.”

“Nope, I’m not drinking, you, however, have nothing medically wrong with you that stops you.” She sat back in her seat, crossed her arms and arched a brow. “You’re not gonna put that part of your life on pause for me.”

I could see that stubborn glint in her eyes and I know arguing with her was fruitless.

“You realise you asked me to be your girlfriend in this pizza parlour so for our first anniversary, we’ll have to come back here.”

“Technically, I declared you were my girlfriend, you didn’t get much of a choice.”

“Perfect, so I can back out?”

“Shush, stop saying bad things when the pizza is coming.” She looked over my shoulder and I turned to see a waitress bringing our lunch over.

Before I was able to remind her about the napkins beside her, she’d already delved into the pizza and it resulted in pizza sauce coating the rim of her mouth. My chuckle alerted her of my amusement and her eyes glanced up with an innocence in them that I’d yet to see in any other human. Like a puppy caught out for being up to mischief. 

“Babe,” I grabbed a napkin and leaned over the table, wiping as much of the excess sauce from her face as I could. “The pizza isn’t going anywhere, you can eat slower.”

“It’s going in my stomach.” She rolled her eyes but a small smile played at her lips as she grabbed my hand I was about to pull away and kissed the inside of my palm. 

I watched her for a moment as she enjoyed her lunch, taking a piece for myself and eating it in a lot more sensible manner than my counterpart. She looked so...happy. But like...the kind of happy that’s untainted. She was sitting in front of me, her, now, girlfriend eating pizza, making a mess but she still looked as beautiful as ever. She still looked alive and radiant and she still intoxicated me with her energy. 

“What?” She piped up as my eyes stayed glued to her.

“I just remember how you were so nervous around me.” I shrugged. “But look at you now, I like this.”

“You still make me nervous,” She confessed, wiping her hands on a napkin and dropping her head for a moment before looking back up at me again with a shy smile. “But it’s a good kind of nervous, like I’m excited all the time. And you’re still here. I don’t think you’re leaving and...you make me feel comfortable. I don’t need to be scared around you.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” I agreed. “And I’m glad you feel that way, I never want you to be afraid to say anything to me or tell me how you feel.”

“I’m not,” She stood up slowly, ushering me to do the same as we made our way out of the pizza parlour. “It’s why it was so easy for me to tell you how I feel about you. I forget a lot of things but...knowing I can be honest with you isn’t one of them.”

She was about to round her way to the passenger side of the car but I pulled her back to me, cupped her face and pressed my lips on hers with an intensity I hadn’t yet before. And I don’t know where it stemmed from. Maybe our transparency with one another, maybe my appreciation of her simply being alive or maybe from the fact that kissing her felt like everything good I’d ever experienced in my life all mixing into this one moment. 

But I kissed her like I needed it. Like she was my air. Like I was hers. 

I kissed her and I knew from that moment on I never wanted to stop kissing her. For the first time ever, I saw past the here and now in a relationship and I saw next week. I saw us on another date where I’d have to wipe sauce from her face. I saw us next month where we’re childishly celebrating being together for a month with silly gifts and shared moments. I saw us next year where we’re completely in tune with one another, her guessing my thoughts before I could even voice them. I saw us surrounded by friends that just...expected us to show up together. I saw us sharing inside jokes that Mila would resent playfully. 

I kissed Julissa and I felt a future where nothing was as bland as it was before her. 

I dropped her home that day and she kissed me again, in fact, we struggled to stop kissing and eventually I had to plead with her to go inside because if she didn’t, I didn’t know if I’d be able to let her leave. I watched her walk through her front door only for her to turn and wave at me. And every part of that small action spiked my heart rate just a little. 

I made it home and knew I’d be bombarded with questions from my best friend but as soon as I walked through the door, I found that not to be the case.

She was sat on the couch with Mrs. Ginger beside her, scrolling through the channels carelessly.

“How’s our favourite girl?” Mila smirked my way as I placed my bag down, making me way over to her and dropping down onto the couch. I let my head fall lazily onto her shoulder and stole the remote so I could decide on a channel. 

“She asked me to be her girlfriend.”

“She’s in a rush.”

“It feels right.” I looked up at my housemate. “She feels...so right for me.”

“I want that for you,” My friend had me nervous with her sobered tone. “I just….”

“Come on, you were the one rooting for us this whole time.”

“I still am!” I sat up as I watched her sigh. “But the other shoe is gonna drop eventually and it’s a heavy shoe, like a steel-capped industrial boot, Win.” She eyed me warily. “She’s gonna remember what happened to her one day and she’s not gonna be the glowy, happy girl you’re falling for anymore. She’s gonna be twisty and gloomy and...I want you to be prepared for it all. For the good and the bad.”

“You’ve been thinking about this a lot.”

“I had all day and you’re the closest thing I have to a sister. I don’t want you to be collateral damage in her finding who she is after all this.”

“I hear you,” I nodded because these weren’t foreign concerns for me. “I know this isn’t going to be easy and I never expected it to be. But I’ve got you, right?”

“Of course you do.”

“Then I’ll be okay,” I dropped my head back onto her shoulder. “I’m not alone in this and she won’t be and...we’ll both be okay.”