Renewed

"Be patient with me?"

A month with her felt like a lifetime and it still wasn’t enough. I knew it’d never be enough time. We saw each other frequently, not every day due to work and her sessions but enough to warrant her a familiar presence in my house and me in hers. Mila and Julissa became thick as thieves, they’d even devised their own little inside jokes which were usually aimed at me to which I’d grab Mrs. Ginger and leave them to snicker together for a while. 

I loved that my best friend and my girlfriend got along. It meant that even if Julissa was here, I didn’t have to be the one occupying her time and we’d found that a lot of the time, I’d be so preoccupied with work that she was left to her own devices. Mila saw it happen one too many times and decided that Julissa would be her new best friend. At my expense, of course.

Needless to say, Melanie had given me her approval. It was why Julissa was able to stay over more often than not. I was trusted in the Davis household to ensure that the youngest member would always be okay with me around and there was something so privileged about that. 

“She snores, you know?” Julissa nudged Mila playfully before nodding my way.

“God, I know,” Mila rolled her eyes. “I shared a dorm with her for one semester back in college and I had to switch rooms to preserve our friendship. She’s like a tractor sometimes.”

“You both know I can hear you, yeah?” I looked up from my laptop to give them each a pointed glance.

“Oh I’m not gonna be shy about insulting you, my sleep pattern was out of whack for weeks after living with you in such close quarters. How Jules is surviving is beyond me.”

“She’s cute,” Julissa shrugged, sending me a wink. “She also makes up for it by literally doing everything I ask.”

“She’s whipped.” Mila agreed.

“Again, my ears work.” I chimed in.

This prompted my girlfriend to stand from the couch and make her way over to me, circling her arms around my neck from the back and pressing a kiss to my cheek.

“You gonna be done soon? I’m getting tired, I don’t know if I can wait up for you.”

“Almost done,” I turned my head to offer her a kiss she gladly accepted. “But if you’re tired, you can get some sleep, I’ll try my best not to wake you.”

“How long?”

“Maybe another thirty minutes?” I heard her sigh but it was a case I’d procrastinated on long enough and needed to finalise tonight. “Go to bed, I’ll be in soon.”

I watched as she said her goodnight to Mila, giving Mrs. Ginger a scratch behind the ears and then disappeared in the direction of my room sporting only one of my oversized T-shirts and nothing else. Usually I would feel some kind of jealousy spark at the knowledge that Mila was seeing so much of someone I was seeing but with Julissa it was different, there was a security in knowing that I trusted both my best friend and my girlfriend enough to allow their friendship with be as close mine was to both of them, obviously excluding the perks that Julissa received. 

Mila’s eyes returned to the TV for a moment before her attention was taken from it by her thoughts.

“So...I caught up with Reid.” 

“Really?” This came as a surprise from me because the last time we’d spoken about my almost ex, Mila had seemed adamant that nothing could come of them.

“Yeah, I mean, she was great and I always liked her. Not, like, in that way because she was with you, obviously, but I don’t know, I see you with Jules and you’re happy and maybe I could see how things progress with Reid, if,” She eyed me warily for a moment. “You’re okay with that of course. I don’t want anything to be too weird.”

“Hey,” I kept my eyes to my work. “I’m happy and I want you to be. With whomever that may be.”

“It’s nothing serious, I’m just curious.”

“But if it turns serious, I want that for you. I want you to be able to just do whatever makes you happy.”

“I really like her for you, you know.” Mila nodded in the direction of my room. “I mean, I like her in general, but she’s gonna keep you on your toes and I think you’ve been needing that.”

“Me too,” I looked in the direction my girlfriend had disappeared in and felt that usual overwhelming urge to be in her presence once again. “She’s dangerous though. She could so easily ruin me, I think.”

“Oh for sure,” Mila chuckled softly. “But I don't think she plans to. I don’t think she ever plans to.” 

I returned to my work, willing my brain to work faster so I could go to the one place that will calm my heart and leave me feeling utterly at peace. 

I managed to speed up the process and finished up earlier than I expected, wishing my best friend a goodnight and retreating to my room to find Julissa settled in bed with a book in front of her and a frown marring her forehead.

“What did Khaled Hosseini write that has you so worked up?” I crawled into my spot beside her and leaned my head on her shoulder as she continued reading.

“Sometimes the words blur and I have to really focus to get the information I’m reading to process in my head.” She ultimately shut the book and abandoned it on the bedside table on her side. “Another perk of having a broken brain.”

“It’s not broken,” I kissed her temple as I sat back up. “Sometimes I have to read things, like, five times before anything makes sense to me.”

“Please stop normalising my mental incapabilities. This isn’t just a bad day kind of thing, this is...how it is for me.”

“You’re allowed to struggle, Julissa.” I sat back a little so I could have a proper conversation with her. “You had a severe head trauma and expecting to come out of that unscathed is unrealistic. I’m just so f*****g grateful you made it out alive.”

“You would’ve been none the wiser if I didn’t.” She rolled her eyes, running a hand through her hair and I could see from her tense form that her frustration was building.

“Okay but I am, I’m still grateful you’re here right now. And it may not be the way you want it to be, but the alternative is...unimaginable to me now. You get to live, Lissa, you were given a second chance.”

“I didn’t ask for it.” She clenched her jaw and I saw the tears begin to well in her eyes. 

“So what?” I felt a small bout of anger begin to flare up in me but I tried with all my might to keep it at bay. “You would have prefered it if you died?”

“Just let me think.” She shook her head. “We’re talking about a lot and my mind is fuzzy and-”

I sighed, deciding that maybe pushing her would just escalate what I believed to be our first big disagreement. I didn’t want to fight with her, the last thing I wanted was to push her to overwork her mental capacities but I also didn’t want her to think that I was okay with her line of thoughts. 

Because in her mind death seemed like a better option than to be there with me. And I now could not imagine a life without her in it. 

“You can’t expect me not to argue with you about this.” I spoke calmly this time. “You’re my girlfriend and I don’t want to think of the possibility of us never meeting.”

“Every single time someone looks at you, I wonder if maybe their brains work better than mine,” She scoffed. “I wonder if they can give you more than I can. I don’t even have a job, Winter. I have no prospects for anything in the immediate future because I can’t work anything out right now.”

“I don’t expect you to.” 

“I expect me to. I expect me to take you out on dates and buy you nice things and show you how much I value you but I need a job for all that and no one wants to hire someone who forgets their f*****g name sometimes.” She dropped her head and I heard a dry chuckle slip past her lips. “You deserve so much more than half a person.”

“You’re not half a person.” I felt for her hand and slid my fingers between hers. “And I don’t need all that. And I’m not saying that you can’t do all that one day because I know you can. But it’s gonna take time and patience and we can work on things more if you want. But Lissa, you are not half a person and I get to decide what I deserve, not you. You get to decide what movies we watch or what we have for dinner but deciding what I deserve, that’s for me to decide.” I tugged at her hand lightly so she’d meet my eyes. “We deserve each other, okay? What I want...is you.”

“It doesn’t make sense.”

“Jump in my brain, you’ll see it makes perfect sense to me.” I cupped her cheek and smiled. “Everything about us makes perfect sense to me, don’t you feel that too?”

“I feel…” She scoffed softly, closing her eyes before she reached up and cupped my own cheek, bringing my face closer and connecting our lips in a kiss that left every inch of my skin tingling. One moment we were just kissing lightly and the neck she was straddling my lap and her hands had encompassed my face and her hair had blocked out all the light in the room. “I feel everything.” She said between kisses, our tongues tangling together and the taste of her searing into my brain. “With you, I feel everything.”

“Good,” I stopped us for a moment, making sure she met my eyes. “Because you’re stuck with me, Julissa, okay? I’m all in with this, nothing's gonna scare me off or be too much or any of that.”

“Then you’re an idiot.” I felt her tears fall onto my palms.

“Then I’m an idiot.” I shrugged, offering her the most adoring smile I could muster. “For you, I’ll be an i***t. I’ll be the craziest person on the planet. Say the word, I’ll be whatever you tell me to be.”

“Just...be you.” She nodded quickly, wiping at her tears and chuckling softly to herself. “I’m sorry I’m a mess.”

“You’re my mess,” I leaned forward and kissed her softly once again. “My beautiful mess.”

We went to sleep that night with a renewed sense of security in our relationship. It wasn’t one that I knew we needed until she’d brought it up but needless to say that I was glad she did. I had no idea how long she’d been harbouring those feelings and I hated that it had gone completely over my head. If there was ever anything I could do to calm her anxious thoughts, I wanted to do exactly that. 

I hugged her to me as we slept and promised myself I’d be more attentive. That it wouldn’t take a meltdown for me to be made aware of my girlfriend’s inner turmoil again.

Waking up the next morning, the heaviness of the previous night felt lifted. She was still asleep in my arms and her light snores were as reassuring as her touches. She was alive. She was here. She was with me. 

She didn’t feel like she was worth that a lot of the time, she’d made that clear to me, but I was determined to prove her otherwise. I was determined to show her that this life, this new chapter she was granted with me, for us, was worth it. I would show her she could do things on her own, that she didn’t need me, that she simply needed herself and she had the will to do whatever she ever wanted in life. The second chance was not wasted on her. 

“You’re thinking really loud.” She mumbled as she buried her face further into my neck and placed a soft kiss on the nape. And my god, if that didn’t cause my heart to scream. 

“Yeah? Did I wake you?” She nodded in answer and I couldn’t help but smile. “I’ll tell my thoughts to quieten down then.”

“I’m sorry about last night,” She still refused to move out of the space against my neck. “I didn’t mean for any of it to come out the way it did. You shouldn’t have to deal with me when I’m like...that.”

“When you’re low?” She nodded and finally moved back so our eyes could meet. “So I should only see you when you’re at your best?”

“That’s not what I mean, I just-What I said-You weren’t...you weren’t supposed to hear it.”

“But you felt that way.”

“I did.” She rolled over onto her back and her eyes found the ceiling. “I don’t always but...with you…” Her words felt like a thousand small, blunt knives trying to carve at my heart. “I’m so scared of ruining this. I’m scared you’ll open your eyes one day and realise...this is it. This is all I am. Nothing more.”

“You don’t know that.” I shook my head, scoffing lightly. “In a year from now you could be enrolled at some university, studying the course of your dreams. Five years from now you could have your dream job. Ten years from now, you could have a family that you adore with someone who loves you so much. You’re just stuck right now...and that’s okay. But I’ll keep pushing for more for you because I know you can achieve that more, Julissa.”

“You really believe that.” She chuckled softly, turning her eyes to me for a moment. “Well then, a year from now when I’m enrolled, it’s you who I’d like to pick me up, okay?” She rolled onto her side and cupped my face lightly. “In five years from now, it’s you I’d like to spoil with the money I’ll be making from this great future job.” She let our foreheads touch lightly. “And Winter, in ten years from now...I want it to be with you that I have that family I adore.”

“And in this amazing ten-year plan, you don’t happen to get your license, do you?”

“Oh no,” She shook her head with a wide smile settled on her lips. “Let’s not push fate.”

I nodded in agreement instantly, connecting our lips and letting the calm of her presence settle on me. 

“I’m gonna talk to her about it today, my therapist, find avenues I could take to try to get into college.” 

“Yeah?”

“I want more than this for me as well.” She rolled onto me and settled on top of me, her arms caging me in. “Be patient with me?”

“Always.” I lurched forward and pressed a quick kiss to her lips.

“You have to get ready for work.”

“Don’t remind me.” I groaned.

“Would it be super clingy of me to stay over again tonight?”

“Would I be an awful girlfriend if I asked to rain-check that? I promised Mila we’d have a best friends night. She loves you and loves having you here, but I feel like I’ve neglected her a little.”

“Worst girlfriend ever.” Julissa rolled her eyes. “I’m sure my mom would love to have me home for a change as well. Though, I think she’s having her little piece of freedom again.”

“I doubt that, I bet she misses you when you’re not there. I miss you when you’re not here.”

“Redeemed as being the best girlfriend again, how does she do it folks?”

“Idiot.” I flicked her nose playfully. 

“i***t for you, always.” She sat up and I marvelled at the beauty of my girlfriend.