Renewed

"You really, properly love me."

Major domestic violence trigger warning in this chapter

Mila driving scared the living daylights out of me, Mila driving us over fifteen miles out of town...it was safe to assume I may be murdered in mere hours. 

“Where are we going?” I asked for maybe the twentieth time. 

“The beach.” She finally fessed up and I couldn’t help but frown because the day truly did not warrant a beach day. “Shut up and listen to the music.”

“This is a podcast.” I gestured to the head console.

“I swear you’re only fun when Jules is around now.”

“Not true, I’m also fun at work sometimes.” She let silence fall between us but I couldn’t stand the anticipation, I had to know. “Are we really going to the beach?”

“Yep.”

“Mila, it’s raining.”

“We can’t go to the beach when it rains? What are you, the beach police?”

“Seems redundant.”

“Ew, don’t use your big lawyer words with me.” She sneered and kept her eyes rooted to the road ahead. “How’s the wife today?”

“Strangely quiet,” I checked my phone for the fifth time in the last twenty minutes, frowning when I still hadn’t received anything from Julissa. “She’s probably just giving us the day, would be nice if she replied just once though.”

“It is weird she hasn’t tried to call you yet, you two love the sound of each other’s voices.” Mila mocked lightly as her eyes darted to my phone for a brief moment as well. “Worried?”

“Kinda,” I confessed, nodding. “Her bad days get...pretty bad.”

“You know, say the word and we’ll turn this car around.”

“No, I don’t wanna be that paranoid girlfriend. Maybe she’s taking the day with her mom as well. Or hell, she could be making a new friend.” I turned the face of my phone down and turned the music up, deciding that it was okay to take space from my relationship. It wasn’t a bad thing, it was okay for us not to speak every second of every day, it was healthy in fact.

Mila began singing along to the song in a way that could only be described as a half slaughtered bird but she didn’t fail to avert my mind away from my concerns. Within minutes I was singing along with her in the worst way possible and I was able to just...be. I forgot how nice it was to just...be with Mila. 

I forgot that this was why we were friends, because life was simple and freeing with her. Here there wasn’t my demanding job or my moody cat or my girlfriend’s legal worries. Here it was just...us. For a moment, it was just us.

And I appreciated the importance of that. Because every person I believed needed to take a beat in life. I didn’t hate my job, I could barely complain about my cat and I would never find Julissa’s legal matters to be a burden, but they were little things in life that played on my mind sometimes. 

This was nice because I didn’t have many thoughts running through my over-active brain at all. All I had was the road ahead, my best friend and songs we swore we’d never tell anyone we absolutely loved. 

I finally felt the familiar buzzing of my phone on my lap and turned down the volume as I answered the phone to my girlfriend.

“I’m gonna go ahead and assume that you’ve run off with some crazy hot model, it’s the only reason I can find as to why I’ve been neglected today.” I spoke jokingly, earning an eye roll from my best friend.

“I wish,” Julissa sighed on the other side of the phone. “I was actually just gonna give you the day. I’m sure Mila is sick of me being selfish with you.”

“I am in high demand between you two so I’m sure she appreciates your selflessness today.” I smiled as I leaned my head back on the head rest. “So what changed your mind?”

“My mom, actually.” I heard her lightly chuckle on the other side, but it was hollow. I could see the vacant smile that accompanied it. “I was gonna wait till I saw you next to tell you but my mom said you wouldn’t appreciate being kept in the dark at all.”

“What’s going on, babe?”

“I had-um-I had a pretty bad session today.” She spoke hesitantly and I felt Mila’s eyes demanding me to give her any indication of what was going on. “I just-I’ll tell you when you get back...I just-I don’t wanna lose you so no secrets but I want you to have fun today, I promise I’m okay.”

“You don’t sound okay.”

“Please do not come back because of me today, just spend the day with Mila. Take a day away from all of this please.”

“Lissa-”

“I promise if I end up feeling worse, I’ll call and beg you to come back and hold me, but for now just...take the day, Winter. I won’t let my crazy mind hurt yours.”

“You promise you’ll call?”

“I will, I promise.”

“I’m worried.”

“I know.” Julissa sighed softly. “I love you for it.” There was a silence that fell after she’d spoken the words. “s**t, I didn’t want to say that over the phone.”

“You love me.” My eyes met the road ahead of me while my heart was introduced with a new type of rhythm. It felt very much like the sound of her name leaving my lips.

“I’d be an i***t not to.” She spoke softly. “Have fun on your day out please. I’ll see you later.”

She hung up before I could get another word in. Before I could tell her I shared the same sentiment with her. Before I could tell her that I hoped her heart spelled my name in its rhythm as well. 

“We’re turning the car around.” Mila announced softly, her eyes matching mine with concern for a moment.

“No, we can spend the day, it’s-”

“Win, I can see how much you really can’t spend the day away from her right now. It’s okay. I told you this would be hard, remember? I’ve had you for years, I’m okay sharing you now.”

“You’re kind of amazing.” I reached out and gave Mila’s arm a light squeeze. “She didn’t sound good.”

“She needs you.” My usually mischievous friend mentioned lightly. “She’s gonna need you a lot through all of it.”

I nodded softly before averting my eyes to the window and watching as we drove back down the familiar road, my heart racing with anticipation to make sure my girlfriend was okay. 

When we made it to Julissa’s house, Mila assured me she’d see Lissa another day and that it may be a better idea for me to see her on my own despite her own concerns for her new friend. 

I knocked on the door lightly and waited, my eyes widening significantly when I caught Melanie’s tear-stricken face on the other side. She seemed more than a little surprised to see me but brought me in for our usual hug regardless. 

“She disappeared to her room and hasn’t said a single thing since she spoke to you.” She informed me, wiping her face. “I need you to be prepared for what she’ll tell you but also be prepared if she can’t talk about it right now, okay? This was...a lot.”

I nodded before looking to the stairs that would lead me to the girl stealing my heart.

“I know she said she would be okay without you today but...I really appreciate that she doesn’t have to test that.”

“I love her.” I looked to the mother with our eyes mirroring the same surprise.

“Good, she’s gonna need that a lot.”

I began making my way up the stairs, stopping outside of her room for a moment to knock softly.

“Mom, I’m still breathing, I just-” I opened the door as she spoke and peeked my head inside, cutting her off effectively. 

She was a mess. I had never seen her in the state she was in at that moment. Her hair was a mess, tears flowed down her face freely and in abundance. Her eyes were red and puffy as she wore nothing but one of my oversized hoodies I’d lent to her. 

“No….” She sobbed a little harder as she saw me. “I told you-”

“No,” I made my way into the room and onto the bed, pulling her to me instantly and despite her protest prior, she instantly clung to me in that moment. “When you’re in it, I’m in it, okay? And this...this I’ll never let you go through alone. Never.”

She nodded against my chest and continued to sob, her petite form shaking as I pressed hard kisses to the top of her head.

“I love you too.” I told her softly. “Because you didn’t give me the chance to say it back before.”

“I know,” She exhaled softly, trying to even out her breathing to stop her sobs. “Everything you do tells me that you do.” She sat back slowly so our eyes could meet. “I love you. I should’ve said it to you in person.”

I leaned down and let our lips come to rest against one another for a moment, feeling her relax a little. 

“Thank you for being you.” She said softly, her eyes still closed as our forehead rested against one another. “You will never know how grateful I am for you.”

“I’m just me, babe.” I wiped at her tears. 

“No,” She shook her head vehemently. “No, shut up, you don’t get it...so just...don’t. Just understand that I-you-I need you and I love you and I-it’s not just you...it’s you.”

“Julissa,” I drew her attention back to me because the new panic that entered her tone had me on high alert. “What happened?”

I pulled back a little but it was like she was fearful that I’d disappear if she didn’t hold onto me with all the strength she had in her, her knuckles turned white as she clutched my shirt.

I slid us back down onto her bed and ran my fingers through her hair absentmindedly, my fingers gently untangling her hair.

I waited, I let her calm her panic on her own because I knew she knew how. It took a while, every time I thought she’d got a handle on it, her breathing would pick up again and she’d have to fight to ease her mind.

“I remembered something,” She spoke after an hour of silence that had fallen between us. “It...I wish I hadn’t.”

“It’s bad.”

“It’s...the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.” Again, I waited, allowing her the choice of whether or not she wanted to tell me this. “I was pregnant...with him. It was two years ago. He was happy about it from what I can remember. So was I. He’d stopped hurting me and I just...it was a baby and I promised myself I’d never let anything ruin it the way life ruined him. But he ruined it before it even had a chance.”

“No, Julissa, he-” Because I could see where her memories had taken her.

“I was sick all day one day, I forgot to make dinner and he was out late so I knew he was drinking. When he got back....God, I don’t even think he could remember that I was pregnant. He just...kept going. He wouldn’t stop until he saw the blood and then I think he understood where he was and what he’d done.” Silent tears streamed down her face again. “He couldn’t even take me to the hospital, they’d know. So...God, it was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. I’d wake up from the head wound a thousand times before I wished that pain onto myself again.”

Her eyes were vacant as she looked straight ahead for a moment. “That’s the last thing I remember. Just being in pain and then...blank again. It would be two in a couple of months if I had it.”

“I swear to you,” I clung to her with the same strength she held onto me. “I will make sure that son-of-a-b***h rots in jail and no one will ever hurt you again. If I have to prosecute him myself, I will make sure he’ll never see the outside of a cell again. For you and for them.” I made this promise to myself as well, because I knew I’d never get a peaceful night of sleep again until he was behind bars. “You would have made an amazing mother. You will make an amazing mother.”

“I couldn’t protect it,” She shook her head slowly. “I don’t think I could trust myself with another one.”

“That was an impossible situation, there was nothing you could’ve done.” I pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Our kids, God, Julissa, they’re gonna be so lucky to have you.”

“Our kids?” She lifted up slightly to meet my eyes.

“Yeah, our kids.” I offered her a timid smile. “You don’t want kids with me one day?”

“I didn’t know you saw us that long term,” She confessed quietly. “I figured all of this...it would break us one day.”

“Long term is all I see with us,” I kissed her forehead lightly. “In fact, forever sounds like the dream to me.”

“You really love me.” She spoke more to herself in that moment. “You love me properly.”

“Yeah, I would hope so. You deserve to be loved properly.”

“You want a family with me one day.” Again, it sounded like she hadn’t expected or even considered that my love for her would extend that far. “Why?” She looked up at me.

“Because I deserve it, because you do. Because after all of this, we’re gonna be so ridiculously happy. Because I will not let this define your life, you’re so much more than this.”

“And because you love me. You really, properly love me.”

“I really, properly love you.” I confirmed, smiling down at her with adoration shining in my eyes.