Renewed

"I scared you."

“I’m sorry I ruined friend day.” Julissa sheepishly mumbled as she slouched down onto our couch with her head downcast. Shyly she sneaked a peek at Mila beside her before averting her eyes away again.

“Shut up,” Mila nudged her playfully before drawing her in for a side hug. “Win told me you remembered something, she didn’t tell me what, but that s**t’s probably terrifying. Steal her whenever you need, she smells weird anyways.”

“Hey!” I shot a glare over to my friend threateningly.

“She smells like home.” I heard Julissa’s soft voice utter a moment later and when I met her eyes, I couldn’t fight the smile that always yearned to be seen by her. “Love you.” She added on, because she couldn’t seem to get enough of saying the words.

“Love you too.” I returned the sentiment, earning a gagging noise from Mila.

“I’m putting a horror movie on, I’m sure it couldn’t be half as horrifying as the two of you.” My best friend began scanning the channels and I decided to get back to my work.

I was behind on a few case files after spending a few nights at the Davis house. After the day she’d been attacked by a memory, Julissa hadn’t been able to really detach herself from me until today. She put up a bit of a fuss as I left for work this morning and made sure to let me know she’d be staying the night, but during the day she’d managed to let her own fears subside. I couldn’t quite imagine what was going through her head or what scenarios plagued her at the thought of my absence but I knew my presence was a comfort, so leaving her that morning felt like I was tearing off one of my own limbs.

Even in that moment, as I tried with all my might to focus on my work, I couldn’t stop my eyes from glancing over at her just to ensure she was okay. Her head was leaned comfortably on Mila’s shoulder and her arm weaved through my best friend’s, the pair settling into each other like every night prior to her returned memory.

And I realised in that moment that perhaps my house was her sanctuary. Perhaps it brought with it a sense of new and in her heart that felt safe. I hoped it did. She always seemed a lot more at ease on that couch with us than anywhere else we ever went. 

Mila was also safe for her. She let her guard down around my best friend and she trusted her, and vice versa. I could see how protective Mila felt about my girlfriend. I could see how much Mila also hoped that she could provide Julissa with any semblance of comfort.

If I wasn’t so completely secure in my relationship, I would even be jealous. But I trusted Mila and I trusted Julissa and in truth, I loved their friendship. It brought warmth to my heart knowing that if there were ever a time my girlfriend couldn’t come to me, she had Mila. 

It made it easier for me to return to my work, my mind completely focused on the open cases before me. I ignored the screams of horror emitted from the TV or my girlfriend’s panicked gasps followed by Mila’s incessant mocking. 

After what felt like mere minutes but turned out to be a couple of hours, the movie came to an end and the sound of our doorbell rang through the house. 

Julissa pressed a kiss to the top of my head as she walked to answer the door and returned moments later with a couple of pizza boxes in hand. She rushed over to the couch and eagerly placed them on the coffee table before hurriedly making her way over to me.

“Pizza, eat, now.” She tugged at my hand despite my protests stating I needed to finish one last section. “No, take a break, dinner time.”

And because saying no to her had become something I repulsed and because I genuinely was hungry, I let her pull me over to the couch. Instead of letting me sit in my usual spot, she pulled me onto the ground in front of the couch and settled herself comfortably between my legs, her back to my front. She retrieved what I assumed to be our pizza and before I could say another word, I had a slice offered to me, the tip lightly grazing my lips.

“You’re feeding me?” I arched a brow playfully.

“I think if I don’t, you won’t eat.” She shrugged, nudging the pizza against my lips until I parted them.

“You’re an idiot.”

“Your idiot.” She brought the same slice of pizza to her own mouth and took a hearty bite.

Mila was quick to put on another film and I settled into Julissa’s new game of feeding me as we watched an uncomfortable amount of gore cover our screen.

Eventually I had to cut my girlfriend off from her antics because I had reached my limit with the pizza which seemed to please her more so than feeding me because she was able to dig into the rest as I hugged her to me. 

I nestled my face into her neck and inhaled deeply, closing my eyes for a moment as I felt her entire body exhale with me. She smelt like home to me too. 

“I’m so in love with you.” I spoke softly into her ear, feeling the goosebumps rise onto her arms as my breath touched her neck.

She turned her head and our lips met for a brief moment before she turned away again and let her eyes focus back on the TV. I, however, couldn’t find myself focusing on anything but her and the way she felt against me and the ease it felt to just exist with her. 

She was my own personal slice of heaven and I didn’t think she had any idea. 

When that movie finally came to an end, Julissa released a long yawn that became infectious around the three of us. We were quick to tidy up our impromptu pizza party mess before saying our goodnights; Mila retreating to her room whilst Julissa and I retreated to mine. 

“How are you feeling?” I asked her as we settled into bed.

“I feel...relaxed.” She nodded slowly, reaching out and tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear. “The last few days have been so draining and being able to just...not think for a while feels good.”

“Mila’s good for that,” I smiled gently. “I’m glad you’re able to be here and hang out with my best friend and feel safe around her.”

“She feels like home too sometimes,” Julissa mirrored my soft smile. “Like nothing can get to me when I’m around you two.”

“Oh she would definitely kill a man for you,” I chuckled lightly. “If any of my friends were capable of getting away with murder, I’d say it’s Mila.”

“I’d help her hide the body.”

“I’d provide a viable alibi.” I rolled my eyes in amusement and moved closer to her, nudging her nose with my own. “Nothing bad will ever happen to you here, that’s a promise.”

“I know.” She kissed my nose. “I think you’re capable of kicking someone’s ass as well.”

“Oh, with ease.” I said with confidence. “Anyone ever messes with my girl and all hell would break loose.”

“Kinda love being your girl.”

“Kinda love being yours.” I slid my arm under her waist and lifted her so she laid on top of me. “You know, David mentioned that with some partial memories coming back, you’ll have a stronger case.”

“What do you think?”

“I think that I’d prefer it if you didn’t have to relive it all.” I rolled onto my back and let my eyes meet the ceiling above us. 

“At least we know for sure now, he did it. He’s the reason why I’m like this.” I turned just as her fingers grazed her scar lightly. “Don’t say anything,” She hushed me before I could assure her of how beautiful she was. “I know what you’re going to say.” Julissa smiled softly, her eyes shining with affection. “But you never knew me without the scar, I think I was a lot more to look at then.”

“You never really show me photos,” I shrugged. “I mean, there’s the one with you and your dad but you were pretty young in that.”

“I don’t like looking at them all that much,” She confessed. “And most of the ones that I have also have him in them. We’re always smiling, I have to convince myself that he’s a monster sometimes because when I see how happy I am in some of those photos...it’s hard to imagine him as anyone other than the guy who brought that smile to my face.”

“Do you ever wish you could remember the good times?”

“No,” She cuddled up against my side, her hand coming to rest in the centre of my chest. “Maybe...maybe before the memory, yes, but now, after what he took away from me, I don’t ever wanna see anything good in him.” She looked up at me, those warm eyes so full of love that I couldn’t fight the small smile that played on my lips. “We talk about me a lot, what about you?”

“What do you want to know?”

“I’ve actually been really curious about your family, will I ever be meeting them?”

“Oh definitely,” I chuckled lightly. “My mom is gonna spoil the hell out of you but also demand when she’ll be getting grandkids which I find super invasive but she doesn’t ask it with malicious intent. She knows I’ve always wanted kids and she knows I’m determined to find someone who wants the same thing. And my dad, well he’s really protective. Not just of me but also who I’m with. He’ll treat you like his own in a heartbeat. They’re great, both of them.”

“No siblings?”

“I had a brother, older, but he died when I was very young. I don’t remember much about him. He overdosed. I was...five, I think. I’ve heard a lot about him growing up though. My parents never tried to shield me from him and how much he meant to them.”

“You don’t miss him?”

“I can’t miss someone I never really knew, but I do wish I could’ve gotten to know him. It would’ve been nice.”

“He would have loved you,” Her fingers found my own and laced through the gaps between them. “I like learning things about you.”

“I’ll try to make sure you’ll always have something new to learn.”

“I wish I could give you more.”

“I learn something new about you every day,” I assured her. “Like tonight, I learned that you consider Mila family. The way you look at her...you feel safe with her and it’s good. She’s your family now.”

“Hmm,” She nodded slowly against me and I knew sleep was starting to win the battle with consciousness. “And Mrs. Ginger.”

“Oh good, because she’d eat us both in our sleep if we didn’t include her.” I chuckled softly.

“I...sleep...now.” She yawned briefly, cuddling into me some more.

“Sweet dreams, babe.”

“You...too. Love you.”

And before I could reciprocate my feelings, she was lost in the world of dreams where I hoped and prayed nothing would ever hurt her. 

Mrs. Ginger made her appearance moments later, jumping onto the bed and curling up at the end against my leg. I reached down and ran my fingers through the ever-agitated cat’s soft fur, earning a soft purr that always seemed to surprise me. 

I smiled as I closed my eyes, ready to also lose myself to the inevitable sleep. I began counting Julissa’s soft breaths until I fell into the pit of complete black.

And after what felt like only minutes but what could have been hours, I was awoken by a piercing scream I knew would forever live inside my mind. Instantly I turned to my side and found Julissa sitting up against the headboard, her fingers gripping at her hair and pulling as small, erratic pants left her lips. 

Footsteps sounded from down the hall until Mila stood in my doorway with frantic eyes scanning my room until they landed on Julissa’s balled up form.

I sat up, looking between Mila and my girlfriend because in all honesty, I didn’t have a clue what to do in the situation.

Mila, however, was quick to spring into action. She made her way over to the bed and perched herself in front of Julissa, pulling her hands away from her hair and softly lifting the girl’s chin.

“Look at me, hey,” Mila urged a little more as Julissa resisted. “You’re in the here and now, we’re right here. Look at me.”

And as if by magic, Mila’s words seemed to start to work because slowly and by her own accord, my girlfriend began lifting her head up to meet Mila’s familiar blue eyes.

“See? I was never anywhere in your memories, right? So you’re not there, you’re right here with us.” Mila cupped Julissa’s cheek gently. “Breathe. You’re not there.”

And the way she said, like it was rehearsed...something about that struck a nerve in me. It told me that it wasn’t the first time Mila had spoken those words but I couldn’t begin to wonder who she’d said it to. A friend? A family member? Herself?

“Your turn to take over,” Mila took my hand and offered it to Julissa, smiling to me with encouragement before standing up slowly. She cast a look to Julissa whose eyes followed her every movement. “You’ll be okay, angel. We’ll never let anyone get to you here.” Mila looked to me again. “You got this.”

She slipped out of the room and finally, after what felt like hours though truly had only been moments...I could breathe again because Julissa could. 

I looked to my girlfriend and a sense of shame washed over me. I couldn’t calm her down because I couldn’t find it in myself to disconnect from my own panic, instead, I’d wallowed in it and my best friend had had to console my girlfriend out of her troubled mind.

I pushed away that shame though because now was not the time to be critical of myself, now I had to put Julissa first like I should have from the moment I’d woken up.

“I’m sorry.” She spoke softly, her head downcast and her free hand gripping the bed sheet.

“Please don’t apologise,” I ran a hand over my face and exhaled softly. “I’m sorry, I was so...shocked and then Mila appeared and she managed to do what I should’ve. I’m so sorry.”

She shook her head slowly, squeezing my hand softly. 

“Same memory?”

Again, she shook her head.

“A new one?” She nodded. “Want to talk about it?”

“Um,” She cleared her throat and finally met my eyes. “Not now, please? Can you take me home?”

“I-” I felt like I should have argued it a little, something about her asking to leave felt...wrong, but it was what she wanted. “Yeah...yeah, let me grab us a couple of coats.”

I got up from the bed and made my way to my wardrobe, pulling out a couple of hoodies, offering one to her and slipping one on myself before watching as she slipped out of bed and began making her way out of the room.

“Lissa,” I stopped her as we got to the front door. “This...I don’t know, I feel like we should talk right now.”

“Not now,” She shook her head, hugging my hoodie to her and glancing at the door. “I need my mom.”

“Oh...okay,” I nodded, leaning past her and opening the door before taking Mila’s keys and following her over to the car. We slipped in and I made sure to put the heating on once I started the car. We drove in silence for what felt like a lifetime, my eyes almost reflexively checking up on her every few seconds but her eyes remained set on the road ahead.

“Are we...okay?” Because it didn’t feel like that.

“I scared you.” She shrugged.

“No, Lissa, it wasn’t-I just-” But she was right, she did scare me. I was so scared of what was happening to her that I froze. That I retreated into myself and left her to fend for herself. 

“It’s okay,” She offered me a small smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I just need my mom right now.”

“Because she doesn’t get scared anymore.” I deduced.

She nodded, tears welling in her eyes that she wiped away quickly. “I’m not blaming you or trying to upset you and you’re allowed to get scared...but I need her.”

“I’m sorry,” I brought the car to a stop in front of her house. “I’ve never seen you like that and I didn’t-”

“I know, it’s okay,” She reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze.

“I love you.” I brought her hand to my lips and pressed a kiss on her knuckles. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“I love you too.” She nodded before making her way out of the car.

I watched as she made her way to the door, I watched her knock and wait and I waited with her. I saw her mother open the door and I saw them both glance over at me before Melanie brought her daughter into her arms and let her into the house. 

Something in my heart squeezed when Melanie’s eyes found my own. There was a sympathy in them that I wasn’t sure I deserved. 

A sympathy that was so unexplained that it scared the life out of me.