Renewed

"I'm charming?"

“You’re quiet today,” Clarice stood in my doorway, she looked cautious, like I’d snap if she so much as took a step closer. “Jules hasn’t stopped by in a few days either.”

Four days to be exact. I hadn’t heard from Julissa in four days, not a single thing. I knew she’d been in contact with David to discuss her case and where they could go with the new information. But that’s all my boss would disclose to me and I understood the confidentiality clause but it was frustrating. My boss had seen and heard from my girlfriend more than I had in the last four days.

“She needs...space.” I barely looked up from my desk as my fingers typed away almost automatically, trying to ease my caseload. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to argue my lungs out in a courtroom.

“I kinda miss her.”

“Me too,” I replied dejectedly, my heart heavy just thinking about my last conversation with the younger brunette. “Was there anything you needed?” I met Clarice’s eyes and saw the sympathy coating them.

“Just checking up,” She shook her head and offered me a small smile. “I’m sure you’ll hear from her soon.”

I nodded, not quite believing her but knowing that she was hopeful. She always was. Clarice was a big believer in fate and ‘meant to be’.

The day passed slower than I’d hoped and when I got home, my mood still hadn’t lifted. Mila had given up trying to cheer me up after the second day and just...let me wallow. She sat with me, trying to gain Mrs. Ginger’s attention but only managing to annoy the cat into retreating into my room. 

Which would then lead to Mila surfing channels for anything interesting because she knew I wouldn’t really focus. I’d cook us dinner wordlessly and then engage in meaningless conversation with my best friend before retreating to bed and staring up at the ceiling for God knows how long. 

It was becoming our routine as of late but this night was different, this night Mila followed me to my room, slipped into my bed with me and we laid on our backs. Our eyes locked to the ceiling above us. Me wondering about Julissa; if she was wondering about me and Mila wondering about me wondering about Julissa. 

It was almost satirical. It felt like a cosmic joke. 

“It’s almost sobering,” I confessed softly. “I mean, you were right...what I wanted was the excitement for each day with someone and with her...it was exactly that. But I was right too, to just...take my time and not want that right now. I should’ve stuck with my gut.”

“You’re talking like it’s the end of you two,” My best friend scoffed lightly. “I’m assuring you it’s not.”

“She hasn’t spoken to me in days. The only reason I still know she’s alive is because she’s gone to a couple of meetings with David.”

“She’s remembering some of the most traumatic experiences of her entire life, she’s entitled to handle that however she sees fit, i***t. She’s allowed to cut you out of this until she’s ready to bring you into it.” Mila’s eyes turned to me and I felt her roll onto her side. “She’s remembering every single time she’s had the luxury of choice taken away from her, don’t resent her for indulging in it right now. She’s allowed to be scared to talk to you about the scariest things she’s seen in life.”

“I just want to help her.” 

“I know,” Mila sighed softly. “So do I, but we wait. We give her that. She deserves to work through this however she needs to.”

“You’re better at this than I am, you know?” I finally turned to face the girl beside me. “Like the night she freaked out...you took charge instantly and I froze and now...you just...get it.”

“That’s because I’m literally God’s gift to all creation, it’s embedded in me to be perfect.”

“What happened to you?”

“Win-”

“Something happened once, I know it did,” I reached out and tucked a strand of her dark hair behind her ear. “You relive it sometimes and then you pretend like you didn’t. I see you. You understand Julissa because a part of you has been there. I don’t know what happened and I don’t think I ever need to if you don’t want me to...but I’m here if you do. And I won’t ever let anything happen to you again, Mila.”

She bit her lip for a moment, her eyes holding mine and a look I’d never seen before settled in them. I didn’t exactly know what it was but I knew she would remain as locked as she ever was. A part of her was protecting me, I didn’t know from what but I could see it. She didn’t want to hurt me with her words and I wouldn’t push her to. 

Mila leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my forehead before rolling over to the other side and slipping out of the bed smoothly.

“Get some sleep tonight.” She turned as she got to my door frame. “And put your phone on charge.” She eyed the dead device on my nightstand.

She disappeared quickly after that to her own room, leaving my mind spinning with questions that I knew I’d gain no answers to tonight. 

I grabbed for the phone and put it on charge as instructed, listening to Mrs. Ginger’s bell from her collar draw closer and closer until the weight of the cat could be felt jumping on the bed and curling up beside me. She never purred. Never once in all the time I’ve had her have I ever heard her purr. And that night was no exception. She laid next to me, silent as the dead but warm against my body.

I ran my fingers through her fur, the softness soothing me in ways only she could. 

My phone buzzed to life and I took it, noticing unread messages displayed on the lockscreen and feeling everything in my body come to life at the name they came from.

Julissa had called me twice and left three messages. I didn’t bother to read them and instead held the phone to my ear as I redialed her number.

It rang for only a moment before I was met with a voice that brought me up for air after what felt like a lifetime of drowning.

“I thought you were ignoring me.” She spoke softly.

“My phone died, I was...having a moment.” I laid back and let my eyes meet the ceiling again.

“I know it’s late,” I couldn’t quite decipher where she was, there was a whistling of wind in the background as she spoke. “I was hoping I could see you.”

“Wait, you’re on your way here now?” 

“Blame my broken brain not really taking into account how cold it is and only focusing on one thing.”

“Tell me you at least thought to grab a coat.”

“We don’t lie to each other, right?” There was a hint of amusement in her tone.

“I’m coming to meet you,” I sighed softly. “And I’m gonna tell Melanie to start putting a note on your front door.” I slipped out of bed with the phone still fixed to my ear. “I’m hanging up now, my phone’s gonna die, I’m coming out to meet you though, how far away are you?”

“About ten minutes away.”

“Okay, God, I’ll see you soon.” I hung up before rushing to grab a coat and some shoes, making sure to grab her one too and rushing to get to the front door. 

Part of me was frustrated as soon as I stepped out, it was near freezing with light gusts of winds attacking any exposed skin with it’s frosty bite. I couldn’t begin to understand what bewildered Julissa to brave the cold weather at that time of night and to do it alone as well...it was irresponsible. Anything could happen to her.

That helped me pick up my pace.

I let my frustrations settle though, I knew they’d do more harm than good at this point, we weren’t in the best place for me to let my concerns dictate how we’d go about the conversation we’d inevitably have.

It didn’t take me long to spot her petite form making her way down a sidewalk. Her hands were rubbing up and down her arms and it acted as a catalyst for me to break into a light jog to get to her faster. 

“Does Melanie know where you are?” Because I was certain the mother wouldn’t just let her daughter stumble over to her girlfriend’s house at that time of night with the weather conditions. “Actually, of course she doesn’t.”

I wrapped the jacket around her shoulders and watched as she snuggled into it a little deeper before looking at me with a sheepish smile and gratitude shining in her eyes.

“Hi.” She spoke through rattling teeth.

“If I wasn’t so happy to see you, I’d be so pissed right now.” I offered her a soft smile in return.

“You’re happy to see me.” Julissa spoke as if she needed to let that settle in her mind before she nodded to herself again.

A second later I found her arms wrapping around my neck and hugging me close, her face cold against my neck but I hugged her back regardless.

“Maybe we get out of the cold and then...talk?” I suggested and felt her nodding against me but she held onto me a little longer. “I’m not going anywhere, you know? When you let go...I’ll still be here.”

“I didn’t know that.” She confessed as she stepped back and met my eyes. “I should’ve but I didn’t.”

“Come on,” I offered her my hand. “You need to get warmed up, I’ll make you some tea.” I noticed that she didn’t make any notions to move and the concern was still ever-present in those entrancing eyes of hers. “We’ll talk when you’re warm, I promise.”

And that seemed to be what she needed to hear because moments later I found myself walking beside her back towards my house, her small form still slightly shaking and leaving me a worried mess.

When we got to the house, the very first thing she made sure to do was give the cat that welcomed us a loving pat. I was always so surprised by how taken Mrs. Ginger was with her but I knew I shouldn’t be, I was sure Julissa could make a viper fall in love with her if she really tried.

I busied myself with making her a cup of tea as she got reacquainted with the cat, soft purrs filling the otherwise silent room and I leaned against the counter as I simply watched the girl I love find comfort in what she knew to be familiar. She was still shaking but not nearly with the same intensity as before and I knew she’d argue with me if I made her change into something warmer before we got to talking. 

I was learning her. The language that was so perfectly her. 

“I…” She looked up from where she sat crouched on the floor and offered me a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I talked about you a lot in my last session.”

“Yeah?” 

“Hmm,” She stood up slowly only to stand on the other side of the counter, her eyes scanning me for any reaction to her words. “I put you on a pedestal.” And she waited as if suspecting I’d question her but instead, I gave her time. She needed time to speak on her own despite my own patience pleading with me to rush her. “Before my...moment...I thought if anything ever happened to me, you could handle it. Because you handle everything. I thought you were perfect, so above me and I was just...always playing catch-up.”

“I’m not.” I reminded her.

“You’re not,” She agreed, which led to a frown from me. “No one’s perfect but I think maybe you’re perfect for me? I just needed to...understand that you’re human. You’re allowed to get scared and freeze and take time as well. In that moment I felt like you needed to carry everything for me and that wasn’t fair. I…” She frowned lightly and I could see her brain working to find the right words. “I think I understand better now that we’re both going to show each other we’re human. We’re gonna disappoint each other and be scared for each other and...mess up a lot...but I wanna mess up with you. Only you. If you still wanna mess up with me.”

“You know I do.” The smile I offered her was gentle and I hoped she could see my adoration towards her shining through. “I’ve missed you.”

“Yeah?” She slowly began making her way over to me.

“So much.” My heart tightened the closer she got.

“Good,” And before I could process what was really happening, her lips were on mine and her fingers were weaving through my hair and her smell was all I could comprehend. She was everywhere and everything in that moment. She was my start and end and I kissed her like I never would again. “I’ll keep working on my brain, okay?” She pulled back and cupped my cheek lightly.

“While you do that,” I stepped back slightly only to completely retreat into my room to retrieve my phone. “I’m calling your mom, she’ll lose her mind if she wakes up and you aren’t there.”

“Who said I’m staying the night?” Julissa c****d a brow before grasping her cup of tea between her hands.

“I just got you back after days of not seeing you, you’re staying the night.” I put the phone to my ear as I heard it ring, c*****g a brow, daring her to challenge me. “Hey,” I spoke as I heard Melanie pick up the phone. “Sorry to call so late but your daughter decided to sneak out during one of the coldest nights of the season. She’s with me, I didn’t want you to freak out.”

“She’s okay?” The mother sounded groggy but certainly more alerting than I would be after being woken at that crazy hour.

“I mean, I’m ready to kill her for not wearing a jacket but aside from that,” I looked my girlfriend over before rolling my eyes as she stuck out her tongue. “She seems okay.”

“Make sure she gets some sleep, she’s scattered when she’s tired.”

“Got it.”

“Thanks, Winter. Tell her I love her and she’s grounded.”

“I don’t think that will go over well, I might leave the grounding to you.”

“She can’t ground me, I’m an adult.” Julissa tried to grab the phone.

“Goodnight, Mel. Lissa says she loves you.” I hung up the phone just as my girlfriend lunged for it again. “You’re grounded.” I mocked.

“Shut up, no I’m not.” She scoffed, taking a sip of her tea and glare at me over the rim of the cup. “I still don’t like how well you get along with my mom.”

“I might even be in love with her, who knows.” I waggled my brows playfully.

“That’s not funny.”

“It’s a little funny.”

“You’re both the worst.” She leaned over to put her cup in the sink. “I’m cold.” She made sure to move closer to me as she said it. 

“Come on, we’ll get you changed and in bed.”

“I’ve missed your bed.” She led the way to my room. “It smells like you. I like things that smell like you.”

“Come here,” I pulled her to me just as we got to the room, cupping her face and letting our lips touch for a moment once again. “You say I’m charming, look at you.”

“I’m charming?”

“You make me swoon so much sometimes.”

“I like that.”

“I love you.” I spoke the words I’d been wanting to say to her for days.

“I love you too,” She leaned in to press a kiss to my jaw. “Bed time, I’m cold.”

“Yes, ma’am.” I rolled my eyes, watching as she helped herself to my clothes and realising that I wanted her to always do that.

To always just...be here. I wanted everything to be exactly how it was in that moment with her forever. 

I watched her slip into comfier clothes and made sure Mrs. Ginger got on the bed, I watched as she snuggled under the blanket and checked her phone one last time before retiring it to the nightstand on her side. I felt my heart pick up at the realisation that that was her side of the bed. She had her own side. 

Her eyes found mine and she ushered me over with a loving smile and a light wave of her hand and I didn’t have to be told twice. Not when my future was laying in that bed just waiting for me to join her.