The Daughter Of Dawn

The Great Responsibility - ZENO

I walked through the corridors that I grew up seeing, admiring. From the time I was born till now, they have witnessed countless moments of my life, as they have been doing throughout the old times. Those majestic pillars that stood up so high, had seen the history of our country more than any scholar can tell, it's bloodshed, it's conspiracy, it's sacrifices. Those grand walls, which have the bright paintings of the heavenly God in them, knew the dark stories that are hidden somewhere in the past within it's colours. They are the best secret keepers. Every secret they know, every betrayal they have seen, every malicious deed they have witnessed, everything is safely hidden within it's cracks. Those glorious walls, those giant pillars have thousands of stories of the place where they belong to.

I walked past the corridors, walking straight into the room ahead of me. The walls are going to witness another story today. It'll be my story, a story that can make me look like a heroic leader or a possessive demon. This is going to be my story. I want to follow what I'm doing now, it's not because I learnt it is right, it is because I choose to believe it is right. I want to strive for what I want, even if they say it's not possible, I say there is always a way to make everything happen, it's just the inability of a man that defines the line between possible and impossible. I've been taught since I started learning, I've to fight in order to win, to strive for what I need to gain. I reached my destination, the huge metal doors were closed in front of me. Behind those doors stands a man who dictates my life. I stood there hoping that this moment would soon pass.

"I'm doing the right thing."

I took a deep breath and asked the guard to open the doors.

There was a man, a person whom I always looked upto. I grew up admiring him, wanting to be a person like him. His presence alone was overwhelming. He is someone I respected, someone I believed was an impressive person, never knowing that someday the same person will look so nefarious in a different light. They said it right, you see what you want to see. I've always seen him as a rightful person, bringing justice to the wronged ones, but what I never knew about the injustice that he gave to the rightful people.

He was looking out from the window, facing his back to me. He has grown old with time. The wrinkled hands that are folded behind him, were once the youthful hands that used to play with me.

"Father," I said, calling out for him.

He looked at me with a pained expression in his face. He walked towards his desk and picked up some papers from the pile of files laying on the top of his table.

"You called for me?" I asked, knowing exactly why he had called.

He walked towards me with the papers in his hands. Stopping in front of me he threw the papers on my face.

"Tell me this is not your doing?" He said in his low voice. Those were my recommendation letter to follow my destiny

"Yes it is, Father." I said, staring at the wall in front of me. I've to be strong, this time I can't give up, not again. This is my one last chance, the final one.

"Have I not loved you enough? Was everything I did for you was worth so small?" He asked, grabbing my shirt's collar.

"I'm grateful for everything you did for me in this life, but I want to go." I replied to him.This is the only thing I've ever strived for my whole life, I can't let it go.

"Tell me who told you to do this. Who is daring enough to tell my son to do all this?" He said, raising his voice to his highest.

"No one told me what to do with my life. I wanted to do it, for myself." I replied brushing his hands off my collar. I've been told what to do, and what not to do my whole life. This is the only thing that made me do what I wanted to do, no matter what others wanted.

"You're my son. My own blood, how can I let you leave my sight and go so far away from me?" He said in an anguished expression.

"Is this what you want me to do, to live under your shadow until I lose myself completely?" He always wanted to control people's lives, so that I could be one of his little puppets working under him.

"Why? Just tell me why? When you were a little kid you always used to come to me, then why not now? Tell me, I can give you everything you want? Every single thing you desire in the world can be yours." His anguished eyes turned teary as every word came out of his mouth.

I can't let his tears have his way, I want to control things of my own life.

"I'm not a kid anymore Father. I can take care of my things. I want to do this myself, because it's me, it's all about me. I'll lose it if you try to get in between and take control of the things like you always did in the past." I replied to him hoping that he'll let go this one time.

He almost raised his hand, halfway slapping me. Those eyes filled with anger and anguish started dripping with tears. The hand he rose started shaking, realizing what he did. He almost hit me. Shakingly he slumped into his recliner.

"Why do you want to go to the drowned border district for that measly position? If you want I can give you a higher position here in the Capital. Please don't do this to us Son. We only have you." He said, almost begged me not to go.

"It can be measly for you, but for me it is the place where I belong."

"A place you belong? You belong to the Capital. You belong to me. You're my Son and you're not going anywhere." He snapped out at me.

"Guards" He called out for the security standing outside.

The guards came in, waiting to know the reason why they were summoned. For them their ideality lies in the person in front of them. For them, he is their supreme leader, an idealistic person to be followed. A single word from him, is like a decree for them. They are the best shields of the country pledging their swords in this person's name.

"Lock my Son in his room." He said to them, his gaze was still pierced on me, the amount of anger that he was looking at, it was enough for the guards to realize the heaviness of the situation.

"I can go by myself, if it is my room or to the military base." I said before walking out of the room. The guards followed me making sure I won't run away anywhere. The consequences are too heavy for them to bear. The last time this happened, they were stripped away from their status and their families were sent to the borders.

I walked through the same corridor, the great walls and the pillars witnessed me, walking away from them, next time it won't only be the corridors that I'll be walking away from. From today they'll witness the story I'll write, the story I want the future to know, not the story that was already written by the person who sits above anyone else. The person who stands above anyone else, my Father, and someday maybe that'll be me. Sometimes all I wish is to walk away from the responsibilities, the responsibilities that were already mine to bear the day I took birth. I was born to take my Father's place, taking all the weight off him into my shoulders. I can't do it, for me there lies a greater responsibility, a responsibility that wasn't entitled to me, but a responsibility for which I can forsake every other responsibility.

"I'll go inside." I said to the Guards as I reached my room. I smiled at them tightly and went inside. I can feel sympathy for them, feel pity for them, but I can only feel for them. Once I act for them I know I'll give up, I won't be able to go away and if I don't go this time, I'll lose forever. I already have lost once, I don't want to let go once again. Even if there is a single flicker of light ready to show me the way, I'm willing to walk on it. I can't go back from here, this is my one last chance. I can't delay it, letting it blur away from my sight forever.

I walked past my room, going straight into my study. All my unfinished works lay there on my desk waiting to be completed. It doesn't matter anymore, I'll be going away soon. They'll find someone to do the work on my behalf, because they can't have me look imperfect. I'm supposed to be the perfect one, someone flawless, someone who doesn't have any willful desires. But that's not me, my willful desires made me what I'm today. I can't let go of that desire anymore, it's a part of me. It's a place that I'll always earn for, even in death. I'll chase it until I have it, because my desire belongs to me, and only I can own it.

I sat on my chair, looking at the masterpiece I've created. It was a little replica that shows my desire. The veil that covered her couldn't hide her beauty, she stood vast, holding breath of everything around her. The breeze flowing behind enhanced her existence, travelling around with the scent of summer night. I pulled down the veil, getting rid of the shadow that tried to darken her, to stop her from shining. There stood my responsibility, my desire, my everything in the painting. All my ambitions, my achievements are just a part of her. She was the only reason I could come out from the small cave that I've trapped myself into. She showed me a light, created a path for me, so I can walk out and be what I am today. Without her, I was just a pawn, meant to be traded for higher reaches. Now it's my turn, I owe my life to her, now it's time for her to claim her ownership over me. This time I won't let go, this time I'll shoulder her problem, I'll stand by her during the war and protect it at any cost, saving from any dark shadow falling upon her, because it is my responsibility, because it is my decision.

Someone is on the door knocking. I waited for it to stop. Someone came in. I came out from the study closing the door behind me.

I saw her coming in, she asked her maids to stay behind the door. Even aged, she stood elegant, dignified. She was supposed to be like this, taught to act like this since childhood, just like me, forced to become who she never was. I walked towards her.

"Mother," I greeted, kissing the back of her hand.

"Do you really have to go?" She asked, touching my cheeks tenderly.

"Is there any reason for me to not go?" I questioned her back, showing my hand towards the couch for her to take a seat. She walked across the couch and sat on the bed, holding my hand she stared at me.

"Can I stop you from going?" She asked.

"I belong there, Mother. It needs me now, I can't turn my back to it."

"What is there in that district? What you were trying to protect is already destroyed, you can't do anything about it anymore." She replied looking at me.

"I'm supposed to be there along, standing side by side while facing the crisis."

"Fine let's not talk about this now. Are you going to stay till your birthday?" She asked me to change the topic.

" I'm not sure, they haven't given any notice to me about when to join." I replied, turning my gaze away from her. She knows when to play her cards.

"This is the least you can do for me, it's just three days from now. I hope you can stay till then." She said, patting my hands softly.

"Is there any need for it? We are facing a national crisis here. I don't think it is the appropriate time to celebrate someone's birthday." I replied, even though I haven't given much thought to it, I was taught to say things like this.

"How can you say that, Son. You were born to us that day. How can we not celebrate it." She said staring at me in disbelief.

"We can go to the temple and pray, that will be enough, Mother." I never meant that, I was never thankful to be born into a family like this, nor I'm someone to believe that everything is given by God and that we should be thankful to them.

"We can do that in the morning, but in the evening you have to be present, it's your birthday celebration." She said in the voice she spoke with the servants, it's not a request that is asked for, it is an order that has to be followed.

"What? Why Mother? I don't think we should do that out of all the people." I asked her trying to pretend shocked, it was nothing new, the nobilities have never paid attention to the cry of the commoners.

"No, my son. I won't hear another no from you. You're coming, or else I won't let you go there." She said, she had her final words.

"Really?"I looked at her, raising my eyebrow at her, it's way too easy to fight with Father than with her.

" Every single influential individual is coming, it would be better if you make acquaintance with them. Even the Monarch of Vizophini is coming. You better be there." She said letting my hands go.

"I don't know what to say anymore, I'll attend it if that's the only way I can get approval from you." I took her hands and smiled. I can be her good son this one last time.

"Son, I won't stop you from going if you really want to go. But staying in a wild and dark place for someone who never left the capital can be very tormenting, have you thought about it Son?" She looked at me, unlike Father her face showed no emotions. After hiding her face under the mask for so many years, the mask is what that defines her face.

"I know Mother, with your blessing I can really do it." I replied by pressing her hands lightly.

"I've never been a good mother to you, allowing you to go with my blessings is all I can do for you. Hope someday you'll find someone who can always support you, always stand beside you in your days of glory." My Mother said, patting the empty seat beside her, pointing me to sit beside her. I took the floor, sitting near her legs like I used to do in childhood when she was busy sewing while giving me my lessons.

"What if she wants to stay away from me, into the darkness?" I asked her, keeping my chin on her knees.

"You have to win the heart of the Lady not the brain, my son." She replied, caressing my hairs.

"What if the heart doesn't want me anymore?" I asked her again.

"Then force her brain to want you." She said.