LOVE HEARTS AND LIES

I stop under a blazing sun at a service station: my car needs petrol and I need a break to stretch my legs. I notice the blue sky where birds fly lazily but the knot in my belly doesn’t leave me. Soon it will be one year since this hole in my heart was opened, but the closer I get to my destination, the more I worry. Twelve months; fifty weeks; three hundred and fifty-one days; eight thousand four hundred and twenty-four hours... Why count? Last year, a simple phone call ruined me. A part of me died and since then, it’s difficult for me to move forward without regret. She, my twin sister, is present in all my nightmares, scolding me for having deserted her. I never should have left. Perhaps she would still be with us? I preferred to stay in the city to finish my studies because to not do so would have been a mess. Now, I’m freshly graduated in journalism. Only my mother came for my graduation, my father was supposedly caught up with work... nonsense. He and I haven’t talked much since the funeral. I have news from Mom, but it stops there. My mother... she just sent me a message: Mother: [Are you on the road my darling? Let me know, please. I worry so much.] Me: [I’ll be there in two hours, I’m fine. I love you too.] I love you. It was our way, Sara, and I, not to confess our feelings since we were children. My mother kept this habit as well. She has always been anxious and has become even more so since Sara’s death... Sara... It’s enough for me to close my eyes to see her smile or to hear her laughter ring in my heart. Sara was the dreamer, the one who believed in fairy tales and the little things in life. I was the down to earth one, logical, relying only on the facts. Do you want a good job? Then get involved in your studies. Want to travel? Then earn your money without asking anything from anyone. We were happy and united. Everything smiled at us, Sara, and me, until the summer before my college entrance. I was accepted into three different institutions. One evening I was finally ready to make my decision... take charge of my life. That was also the day I went from being known as the fun girl in the neighbourhood to suddenly the black sheep who disgraced her family. I left the nest the very next day, without looking back. Before I returned to work, my mother begged me to come home rather than go on an adventure with Melony, one of my best friends. I didn’t want a month vacation in my hometown. I no longer felt able to live with my parents, drowning in old memories that pained me now. I don’t know why I accepted. Maybe for Sara? She would have liked it. Our mother needs me, I love her, and it’s my duty—even if seeing my father again, ignoring me, tears me up inside. I’ll suffer this pain for Sara’s memory. I curse life for having offered me such a horrible fate, to have deprived me of my better half. Fate... I damn it and provoke it. I won’t wait passively for it to rob me again of a loved one or my dignity. I’m hardened. From now on I’m the only one now to decide my future. I resume my journey after breathing in deeply to try and untie the knot in my chest. My smartphone’s GPS takes me home where trees abound and nature flourishes uninhibited. My parents live in a small town where there’s more greenery than concrete. There’s even a large river behind the house where we enjoy bathing. I increase the radio’s volume and slip my sunglasses on the edge of my nose. Singing ridiculous but catchy songs allows me to escape oppressive memories.     I pass the sign announcing my hometown. In the town centre, nothing has changed. Henry’s grocery store as always is shabby but open; Tea-leaf Black Coffee still has its bright flashing neon sign; the old Mona vintage clothes shop has incomprehensibly still not closed. This street is busy all the time. The town is exactly as I left it. I speed away heading into the more elevated lands along the river. My journey is lulled by the rays of the sun and bird song. Sara loved days like this. She could spend hours at the water’s edge, with a good book. Hence her desire to work in the publishing world. Regrettably, that will never happen... I decide to stop at the cemetery. Here is the first person I want to visit: Sara. I get rid of my jacket and lift my blonde curls with a scrunchie. I move and rotate my neck to try and relax, but the fear boring into my stomach doesn’t subside. I leave everything in the car and only grab my keys to lock the doors. I drag my feet, which want to take me away from this dreadful place. Who loves cemeteries after all? The sensations are disturbing until I see Sara’s headstone. Then I feel better, almost relieved despite the gloom of this place. I sit on the grass, my shoulder pressed against the cold stone, and sigh to try to contain my tears. “Hello, Sara. As you see, I came back.” I pause, feeling the emotions bubble up into my chest. “I can already hear you laughing at me. You’d tell me how stupid I look talking to a block of stone. But, I need to feel that you are here with me...” I smile and wipe the silent tears that escape me with the back of my hand. “The little black sheep is back! I don’t know why I came back, but Mom wanted it and I had no real excuse to say no. And, as soon as I start working, I can’t see you anymore.” I have my heart on my lips; my tears gathering along my eyelashes. “You assured me that the spirits of loved ones stay on Earth to guide us, so don’t let me down on that one! I need help with Dad; I don’t feel like fighting with him.” With eyes closed, I see Sara, full of life, happy. My teeth tighten, and I prevent myself from groaning under the weight of the pain in my chest. “I miss you! I’m so sorry I left you. If only you had come with me to the city, you would still be alive!” I feel silly that I don’t have flowers for Sara. Fortunately, Mother takes care of her grave. In some pots, buds begin to open. Dried roses rest at the foot of the cold stone, but it can’t be my mother. She hates roses. I straightened up, wiping the soil that dirties my jeans. It’s time to go home to my parents. My phone lights up—I notice a missed call from Melony. I’ll call her tonight. Maybe by then, I’ll have more things to talk about than my mundane solitary car trip. I start to feel apprehension in my throat and swallow it down as I cover the last metres that separate me from my family. In the distance, in the middle of nowhere, stands the roof of the family home. I swallow with difficulty. You are strong, and they’re your family... I reassure myself.     I turn onto the dirt road leading to the property. My dad’s pickup isn’t here. He must be at work. God be praised! My mother, with a rag in her hands, no doubt warned by the sound of the engine, comes out to welcome me with a smile that almost reaches her ears. She’s embarrassed but also looks pleased to see me. I cut the engine close to the garage and free myself from my belt. “Harper! I’m so happy to see you, darling,” she exclaims, opening my door. I take her in my arms and let her check me over from head to toe. Her lips caress my cheek and her smell carries so many memories back to me. I always liked this unbranded fragrance, a fresh scent and full of flowers. “No worries during your trip? Are you hungry? Thirsty?” she adds. I raise my hands to slow her down. I’m here and in one piece. That should be enough, right? “I’m perfectly fine Mom. Is he working?” She guesses right away who I’m talking about. She’s uncomfortable, but she keeps her mood relaxed. “He’s very busy, but he’s glad you’re here.” I go around the car to unload my luggage, deciding it’s best to avoid talking about my father as much as possible. I enter the house, a ball in my stomach. I follow my mother upstairs, but I’m stuck in front of the open door to my room. Our room... I had tried, in vain, never to set foot in there again. In preparation for my arrival, my sheets were changed, and the room aired. How can I refuse to stay here? I don’t want to hurt my sweet mother, but sleeping in the room Sara and I shared during our teenage years won’t be easy. The door is decorated with a photo collage depicting us as children, bursting with laughter with our dreadful dental apparatus. ‘Welcome to the world of Harper and Sara.’ “I couldn’t throw anything away,” my mother whispers. I nod, smiling reassuringly. In truth, I want to vomit. A hard slap to the face would have been less painful. I enter and the smell of my childhood comes to greet me. It hasn’t changed—a mix of the wood wax and the potpourri Sara loved so much. I sit on the edge of my bed and wait for my mother to drop off the rest of my things. “I’ll let you settle in, darling. You’ll come down for dinner?” “Yes, Mom, thank you.” She hugs me lovingly and I try as hard as I can to return the sentiment. She moves away, clasps my face, her eyes shining with her emotions. “Whatever is happening in this little head, we’re very happy that you are here, Harper. We love you so much.” “Thank you, Mom, but if he doesn’t want me here, I can understand.” She shakes her head and smiles, accentuating her crow’s feet. “He’s happy you’re here honey, I promise. It’s just that it makes him... strange.” She places a last kiss on my forehead and leaves the room. The sudden silence screams at me. Nothing has moved on my side of the room, but Sara’s is different... normal... unlike mine. When I had left, she had continued to evolve and change. I pop off my heels and venture into the secret garden that is Sara’s things. As teenagers, we had drawn a line in the centre of the room to define a border between our two spaces. I smile sadly when I cross it. She’s not here to stop me. I let my fingers lightly touch her bedspread, then her pillow. I hold a framed photo of the two of us. It was taken before I left—we were tanned by the sun of our last summer together. The smiles on our faces were radiant. We were so happy and innocent. An enormous green container next to the dresser catches my eye. “What were you doing with oxygen, Sara?” I sit on a desk chair still covered with sheets of schoolwork. My parents hadn’t touched anything. Time froze when she left us, it seems. My fingers caress every object they come across. I close my eyes to try and feel her, but nothing... a void. A noise. The sound of the computer starting up! I jump, frightened, feeling like I’m in a horror movie. Are spirits trying to communicate? I just turned it on by accident. “i***t!” I muttered to myself, smiling. The desktop wallpaper is a picture of two hands with fingers interlaced, tattooed with Carpe diem. Lame. Sara, romantic and sentimental, was convinced that true love is out there for all of us... I decide to snoop around later. I need to refresh myself a bit before dinner. I grab some things from my suitcase and walk over to the bathroom connected to our bedroom. It’s small but practical, we often argued over who would go first. What I would give to have her here now, bickering with me again. I look at my reflection in the mirror, so like hers. I wonder if we would have always looked alike as we grew older. Only our characters differentiated us. She was kind and generous, while I was cynical and loud-mouthed. I open the cabinet to put my toiletries away. I’m distracted by all the cosmetics and brushes. She never wore makeup before. I shake my head and start to undress. I guess it makes sense that Sara would change over time. This month back home will give me a chance to rediscover my sister and understand the young woman she had become. Maybe that will soften my guilt? As I stand in the small shower, the hot water pounds against my skin, relaxing my muscles bit by bit. Memories begin to surface. Sara, my life, my studies. I finally graduated. I’ve succeeded. “Harper Raven, a renowned journalist!” I said out loud. I chuckled and shook my head. Even though I’ve already managed to write a few articles, my short time in this field has been discouraging, to say the least. My internship proved to me that it was difficult to get very far without any contacts. But I can’t give up. I must fight for my dreams. For me, for Sara, for us. I don’t want my leaving her year to be in vain. I must succeed. My phone rings. I ignore it. If it’s important, they’ll leave a message. I don’t feel like fracturing my hip or answering naked, hair full of foam. I finish rinsing, squeeze the excess water from my hair, then leave the bathroom wrapped in a soft towel. As I stand in front of the fogged mirror, I notice the traces of written words, ‘I love you, Harper’. My fingers squeeze the edge of the sink as a tear rolls onto my skin. “I love you too, Sara...” I enter the bedroom and decide to turn on the stereo. I play the last CD she had listened to. I’m shocked to hear Bob Marley’s voice. Could the peppy little good girl from this uptight family have changed so much in such a short time? I put on jeans, then a top without a bra. I didn’t bother to bring much of my current big-city professional wardrobe for my stay here. I’ll adapt to the neighbourhood style. I think my old pair of Converse with mismatched laces are still in the closet. They’ll do the trick... I tilt my head forward to shake my hair and let my curls spring back to their natural place. A delicious smell rises and slips under the door. I open it and an incredible aroma engulfs me, causing me to salivate. Gotta love Mom’s cooking. Especially after my college junk food days. “Now this I’ve missed!” I go down the stairs. I look out the window and notice my father’s car. He’s here. Once in the kitchen, the first thing I see is his look. “Hello!” I began, uncomfortable. He rises and mumbles an incomprehensible hello as he leaves the room. Great. This is going to be a total blast.