Midnights to Remember

Memory: Twenty

Twenty

It's Monday again. This week was hell of a week since it's the finals all over again before the school year ends. Students are scattered all over the school reviewing for the final exam. Halos wala kang makitang estudyante na nagsasaya, puro nasa library.

Mommy and Daddy was still in Italy but they called last night. I thought they would ask how am I but only got disappointed.

"Hi, darling. How are you?" tanong ni Mommy.

"We heard your finals starts tomorrow?" sabi ni Dad.

Right. Face it Kadence, hindi sila tatawag para lang kamustahin ka.

"Yes, Dad." sagot ko.

"Make sure you won't get a failing mark this time. I want to hear at the end of your school year that you're still on top." seryosong sabi ni Dad.

"Yes, Dad." sagot ko at binaba na nila ang tawag.

Bumuntong hininga ako bago lumapit sa study table ko at tiningnan ang piles of book. Tinitingnan ko pa lang ito, parang napapagod na ako. Ganito na lang palagi ang routine, kailangan ireview ko lahat ng gabundok na libro sa harapan ko. This is freaking tiring, it makes me want to drop out and leave everything.

Umupo ako sa swivel chair at sinubsob ang mukha ko sa table. I feel suffocated, it seems like I'm only going to school just to be on top of everything and not to learn anymore. I was drowning on my thoughts, namalayan ko na lang umiiyak na ako. I cried my eyes out while I force myself to study everything I can.

Nagising ako kinabukasan at hindi ko namalayan na sa study table na ako nakatulog dahil napagod sa pag iyak. My back and neck hurts pero hindi ko ito ininda at naghanda na lang para sa pagpasok ng school.

Pumasok ako sa school with a heavy heart but I kept my usual smile. Dumiretso ako sa library dahil wala ng pasok kapag ganito. The professor's lets us review for the upcoming finals since they dead ass know that it's really hard.

Pumwesto ako sa liblib na parte ng library at doon ako umupo. Sinimulan ko ang pagbabasa pero parang walang nagsisink in sa utak ko kahit ilang beses ko ito basahin kaya sinubsob ko na lang mukha ko sa libro. I can't help but to cry again because of frustration plus the pressure.

Tahimik akong humihikbi nang may maramdaman akong presensya sa harap ko.

"Aice?" kahit hindi ko iangat ang paningin ko kilalang kilala ko na ang boses na iyon pati ang pagtawag niya sa akin.

Hinawakan niya ang magkabilang pisngi ko at inaangat ito. His worried eyes met mine at pinunasan niya ang mga. luha ko gamit ang thumb niya.

"Natutulog ka pa ba?" nagaalalang tanong niya. I just stared at him while tears are streaming down my face.

"Tahan na, parang kagagaling mo lang sa iyak sa sobrang mugto ng mata mo tapos iiyak ka nanaman." sabi niya.

"Kaius, can I just leave? Can I leave and forget everything behind?" tanong ko.

"Will you be able to?" pilit na ngiting sabi niya. Umiling ako at nagtuloy sa pagiyak.

"I am suffocated yet I don't know how to help myself from drowning." humihikbing sabi ko.

"I don't want to be me anymore. I want to find myself but I don't even know where to start." I said.

"Aside from being their perfect daughter, sino ba ako? I am nothing if I am not that perfect daughter." pagpapatuloy ko.

"No you're not, Aice. You're Kade, Aice, Aicelle ang prinsesa ng Pathfinder." nakangiting sabi niya. Napangiti rin ako sa sinabi niya but I still feel it's lacking.

"I'm at my happiest when I'm with the Pathfinder. Everything is easy when I'm with you, you guys have become my safe space. Parang nahanap ko na ang sarili ko kapag kayo ang kasama ko, I don't have to pretend or be anyone kapag kasama ko kayo. Pero kapag bumabalik ako sa reyalidad nabubura lahat ng iyon. Parang sinasabi nito na "you should keep your reputation as the perfect daughter and set aside your happiness." mapait na sabi ko.

Ngumiti siya."Pakiramdam mo ang sarili mo. Don't depend on those two identities. Make your own base on what makes you happy without the burden of thinking the other ones."

Ngumiti ako at pinunasan niya ang luha sa mata ko. He cupped my face and he started caressing my cheeks so I close my eyes and feel the warmth of his hands.

"Kaius, thank you." nakangiting sabi ko."You know you always make me feel better. You don't know how much I'm thankful for you."

"Wala 'yon, i'm more than happy when I see you happy. Huwag ka nang umiyak, hindi ka na mas maganda sa umaga kapag ganiyan." nakangising sabi niya.

"Kaius. Watch me as I find my own identity." nakangiting sabi ko. Ngumiti naman siya at ginulo ang buhok ko bago tumango.

"I'll watch you even from afar." nakangiting sabi niya.

~

The whole week came in a blur. Thursday night ay naisipan kong magbake ng red velvet white chocolate chip cookies. This is my specialty kaya naisipan kong ipagbake ang mga kaibigan ko. This is their reward for surviving this exhausting week. Late uuwi sila Mommy and Daddy kaya I took the opportunity to do this.

Pumunta pa ako ng grocery para bumili ng mga ingredients for my cookies. Sabi nga ni Nanay siya na lang daw pero tumanggi ako dahil gusto ko rin lumabas. Minix ko lahat ng mga nabili kong ingredients with smile plastered on my face. Tuwang tuwa naman ako habang nagb-bake dahil alam kong magugustuhan nila ito, Mommy and Daddy loves this even Nanay. I baked exactly 10 pieces since malaki naman ang size na gagawin ko, they will get 2 each. After nitong mabake ay nilagay ko ito sa limang malilit na box. Niligpit ko lahat ng ginamit ko para hindi mapansin nila Mommy at Daddy. Kinuha ko rin ang mga cookies at tinago ito sa kwarto ko.

I was excited to sleep that night knowing they will like what I did. I was thinking about them while I slowly doze off.

Kinabukasan ay ang checking ng mga papers namin for finals. I was happy that I did well, hindi dahil matutuwa sila Mommy at Daddy kundi dahil hindi sila magiging suspicious kung bakit ako nawala sa top. They will obviously find out about the Pathfinder kaya I was relieved. I don't expect them to be happy dahil para sa kanila dapat normal na lang 'to and there's nothing to celebrate out of this.

I would have been in big trouble kapag nalaman nilang sumali ako sa organization that they are against with. Naglalakad ako ngayon sa magulong hallway at rinig na rinig ko ang pagbubunyi at frustrations naman ng ibang estudyante. Sinalpak ko ang earphones sa tainga ko at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad papunta sa office. Napapaisip naman ako habang naglalakad kung kamusta ang mga kaibigan ko.

Did they do well in their exams?

Andito kami ngayong lahat sa office at mukhang pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa. Kaius was laying in the sofa habang ako ay nasa sahig habang nakasandal sa sofa fighting the urge to stay awake.

Si Cesha ay nasa tapat ng pc at nakatulog na habang si Vince naman ay nasa taas ng center table, himbing na himbing sa pagtulog. Si Ashley naman ay nasa single sofa habang nagbabasa pero halos mabitawan na nito ang libro. Si Jansen naman ay nasa tabi ko at tuluyan nang nakatulog.

"Kaius okay ka na ba?" tanong ko. Tumayo ako at umupo sa sofa. I sat near where I can reach his face. Nasa hand rest ang ulo niya kaya nakataas ito.

"Let me see." I said. Tinaas ko ang beanie niya para tingnan kung naghilom na ang malaking sugat doon. It did, napangiti ako nang makitang maliit na lang ito.

I trace his small bruises and cuts on his face that was about to heal na rin.

"Ang ganda mo, Aice." he said then he cupped my face. I was caught off guard by that gesture.

"Nambobola ka nanaman, Kaius." nakasimangot na sabi ko. I was about to sit down again on the floor when he grabbed me by my wrist and pulled me towards him. I landed on his broad chest, I think I stopped breathing when I realized that the gap between our face is just inch apart from each other. One wrong move and our lips will crash.

"I'm willing to accept the consequences just so I can do this but I'm afraid it'll push you away." he whispered. I can smell his minty breath and I can feel his heavy breathing because our face was so close to each other.

Napakurap lang ako habang nakatingin sa mata niyang nagsusumamo. Panay ang paglunok ko and I didn't dare to move.

"I control myself every time dahil baka magalit ka sa akin kapag ginawa ko to. You're just too hard to resist, what are you doing to me, Aice?"

Kung nakatayo lang ako baka bumigay na ang mga tuhod ko sa mga sinasabi niya. Kaius is handsome, his thick eyebrows compliments his piercing brown eyes. And his high bridge nose and pinkish thin lips completes his all over look.

Ang tahimik ng paligid at tanging ingay lang ng air conditioner ang maririnig. The silence is deafening pero nanatili akong tahimik habang pinapakinggan ang mga sinasabi niya.

He was about to close the gap between our face when his phone rang. Napalayo ako sa kaniya at siya naman ay tumayo para sagutin ito. Lumabas siya sa office at doon lang ako nakahinga nang maluwag. Busy ako sa pag mumuni muni nang pumasok siya ulit kaya nagulat ako at kaya umalis ako sa couch at umupo na lang ulit sa sahig. Siya naman ay naupo sa sofa. My body stiffened when he held my hand and he brushed it in his cheeks.

"Aice. About earlier I'm sorry." he said. Tiningnan ko lang siya at ngumiti.

"Kaius wala 'yon, it's fine. I think you should rest too, ipahinga mo muna ang katawan at utak mo." sabi ko. Ngumiti naman siya at nahiga ulit sa couch bago pumikit kaya hindi na ako nagingay pa.

For pete's sake! Our lips just touched, this is so awkward dude. Pinakalma ko na lang ang sarili ko at inisip ang about sa finals. I need to distract myself from thinking about what happened earlier.

I think I did well on the finals kaya hindi ako kinakabahan. Tiningnan ko ang paligid ng office at kalat kalat ang mga gamit at papel sa sahig pati na rin ang mga paper cup ng mga kape pati na rin ang mga coffee in can. Kape na yata ang dumadaloy sa katawan ko. Our office looks like there is a storm that passed by which is true. Finals was like a storm passing by and this was the outcome of it.

Nagising ang diwa ko nang maalala ko ang binake kong mga cookies. Tiningnan ko si Kaius and he's now peacefully sleeping in the couch. I stared at him for I don't know how long but I came to my senses when he moved.

Dahan dahan akong tumayo para hindi sila magising at lumabas ako ng office. Naisipan ko munang lumabas at pumunta sa pinakamalapit na convenience store dahil maaga pa naman at wala pa ang sundo ko.

Bumili ako ng anim na Hot Chocolate sa vending machine bago bumalik sa office. Kinuha ko naman sa loob ng bag ko ang limang boxes of red velvet white chocolate chip cookies. Dahan dahan kong nilapag ang mga ito sa pwesto nila kasama ng mga cookies after kong sulatan ng "For surviving this hell week, you deserve a treat. Specially baked by your princess."

Nakangiti akong tumayo at tiningnan sila isa isa bago ako maingat na lumabas ng office. I gave a one final glance to Kaius before I closed the door.

This is your reward for surviving this hell week. See you tomorrow, Pathfinder.