Journey To Redemption

Preface “God won't put no more on you than you can bear.” I have heard that scripture all my life. It’s easy to say for those who ain’t never been through s**t. The truth is all tests, all trials and all suffering feels like it’s “more than you can bear.” Hate is weight. Too heavy to walk with, too heavy to hold, and too heavy to productively function with. Hate is not just heavy, but it is also darkness. It is the darkness of depression, of worry and pain. We try our best to function as we walk hunched over in a fog of instability and uncertainty. A fog of wondering “when will life be normal again.” Eventually, we realize on the other side of vulnerability is strength. On the other side of pain is relief. On the other side of disappointment is clarity. Momma used to say, “Everyone has to cross fool’s mountain.” Sometimes the journey across that mountain takes a long time, but eventually we cross it. My journey began when I was wide-eyed and trusted the world. My voyage was a winding road of mistrust, failure, heartbreak, and growth. My stepdad was an abusive man. His rage was terrifying. He never pretended to be anything other than a cruel man. My pastor, however, was different. He was a manipulator and a con. I never believed in my stepdad because I knew who he was. I believed in Pastor Rudders, and I later learned that was part of his con. He fooled me into thinking he had my best interests at heart, and I hated him for that. That hatred turned into rage. A rage so strong that the only way to satisfy my thirst for revenge was by killing the Pastor.