The Ugly Side of Desire

The Online Dating Follies

Present Time

Two years after The Beginning of the End

Jensen and I were only separated 6 months before I got the urge to try to fix things. So, I started by slowly trying to reestablish the lines of communications. I called him. I sent him text messages, I tried reaching out to him through social media. All this of course was against my family's advice. But by mid-November we were talking again, and we decided that we were going to give it another shot. I couldn't go to him then, because I had signed a contract to work for the school bus company to the end of the scholastic year, and Buck was my direct supervisor. Any move I made, he would be alerted the moment I did.

Well, I suffered setback after set back. The weeks turned into months. The months turned into a year, then another half year. But the final straw for Jensen was when I failed to leave Montana and make it to Texas for his birthday. We were approaching the two year mark. I wasn't able to get a hold of Jensen since his birthday. I called, I sent him text messages, reached out via social media. Finally I sent him an email saying that if he didn't get in touch with me in 24 hours that I was going to file for divorce. Less than half and hour later he responded. In his email response he informed me that he had changed his phone number and not to bother filing, he had already done so at the end of February. I was hurt. I thought we were going to try to work things out. I established a video chat with him. I wanted him to look me in the eyes and tell me that it was over.

"Do you hate me?" I asked.

"No," Jensen replied.

"Do you still love me?" I asked.

"Yes, Mouse, I still love you," said Jensen with an edge of sadness in his tone.

"Did you meet someone else that you want to be with?" I asked fighting back the tears.

"No, I am not even looking. But I know that she's not out there to be found," he answered.

"Then why are you doing this to me? I never wanted for us to get divorced!" I screamed.

"My mom and I talked it over, she says you'll never come back to me, so it's time to file and move on. She filled everything out for me, I just had to pay the $300 filing fee," he said.

I was so seething with rage, I don't remember what happened after I ended the call. I wanted to hurt him, I wanted to feel better about myself. I behaved myself while we were separated. I refused when men asked me out for dates. I even refused when they would offer to just buy me dinner at the restaurant where I was now working. Well no more, I was putting myself back out there. I was about to be a 38 year old divorcée. So what if the divorce wasn't finalized. I need to start generating some buzz. I got to get back out there and start dating again.

Well, online dating worked before. Why fix something that wasn't broken?

Technology has only further complicated the dating game, and made the proliferation of weirdos more and more common. I decided to try the more frugal options than E-Harmony this time.

I just wish someone would have told me that the dating feature on f*******: was basically Tinder for f*******:. Every guy I was matched with was a weirdo or a pervert. Here, let me present the highlight reel.

Meet Alex, age 45, a book keeper for a local casino. We hit it of immediately, had really great conversation. We knew of each other less than eight hours, and I was jonesing to meet the guy that was making me laugh and keeping me engaged in conversation. So, he gives me his address, and I plan to visit him after my shift at 11PM. Well, I went to his house. We continued to have a great conversation. He proceeded to drink in front of me, occasionally offering me a drink of his Crown Royale. I politely declined. He got this weird look on his face, and then told me that he needed me to leave. I asked why. He informed me that he wanted to get on top of me, stick his hand up my skirt and see how far I would let him go. So, not wanting to get r***d, I decided it was best I complied with his request for me to leave. I never heard form him again.

Next, meet Russell. Russell, age 42, lives 86 miles away and has an admin job with the state. We chatted off and on for a few days then nothing. I thought that he simply lost interest. Then I get a message from him that he'd been out of town camping, and that is why he'd been out of touch. He wanted to meet me. I had just come off covering a graveyard shift, so I said that I might feel up to hanging out after I got some sleep.

So he said, ok, come on over anytime. So I slept; when I got up, I got dressed and I sent off a text saying that I would be in Russell's town in 90 minutes. He replied  like he was having a mini-freak out. He was upset that I was on my way because he had no plan and no sitter. Sitter?! His profile said nothing about kids! So, I said that I was only expecting a causal meet and greet to see if this was something we want to pursue. I said that I didn't expect much. So he said fine, just call when I get to town. I arrived and I called.

Ten minutes later, he was there and picked me up. He drove me to the nearby lake recreation area Canyon Ferry.  I wasn't too concerned at first, because Canyon Ferry usually has a lot of people there enjoying the amenities of a beautiful lake nestled in the majestic Montanan mountains. This is the one time there was not another soul in sight! This is how I die! I am going to end up dead or wishing I were dead and no one will know what happened to me! Things were ok at first but then he kept groping me and wanting to show me his genitalia.  On that note, I insisted that he return me to my car. Which he did do. And I never heard from him again.

Meet  Dwayne, 36 with his own trucking company in North Dakota. Now this one is more about me than it is about him. Since the f*******: app only gives first names, it was not possible for me to discern Dwayne's heritage, not that it matters to me it was just a curiosity. He was burly, had a lovely caramel complexion. His blurb about himself said and I quote, "I am just another poly guy trying to make it in the world. I got big dreams and a lot of passion." Ok, this is where my naivety exposes itself. I had lived in Utah and there is a large population of Polynesians that live there. They are commonly referred to as "Poly Guys," "Poly Gals," or just "Polys." So that coupled with his picture, I thought he was Polynesian. We had a ton in common. We chatted for hours about likes, dislikes, food, anime, etc... I finally got a clue that something was off when we talked about the prospect of us being a couple. 

Dwayne said, "So if we were to get together, I am cool with you hooking up with other guys, I just would prefer to meet them first."

"Excuse me, what?" I asked.

"Yeah, I am totally cool with you exploring s****l relationships with other guys because it's only fair since I am seeing other women," he said not picking up on my being taken aback by his statements.

"Dwayne, your profile, says that you are a "Poly Guy." I need some clarification. I assumed that meant that you were Polynesian, what did you mean by "poly?" Polygamist?" I said.

"Polyamorist, actually," he said.

"Oh. Well then I am not for you," I said.

We agreed to stay friends and chat. And he listens to me vent my frustrations every so often. He does send me naughty and suggestive texts every so often, but he's a guy.

So while all this was going on someone, from my past life in Utah, crawled out of the woodwork. While I was working at the security company, we had our security uniforms delivered by our vendor. The delivery man, Fabulous Fabian and I used to flirt shamelessly. We were both married at the time. To me it was harmless flirting. Fabian's wife, Clarissa, was smoking hot, so again, I thought he was just returning the compliment, for me calling him Fabulous Fabian, by calling me Magnificent Mousette.  Little did I know, at least as far as Fabian was concerned, it was not so innocent. Fabian reached out to me for the first time since the Corona Virus Pandemic outbreak. We had chatted back in February. But when I called him on his bluff that he was going to leave his wife, he cut off communication with me faster than a civil war field surgeon cutting off gangrenous limbs. Then, in June, he started chatting with me via f*******: messenger again. He convinced me to get Snapchat. And what did he send me right off the bat? A snap of his erection. He then demanded snaps of my bare breasts with n****e. Yeah, nope, not happening Fabian. Haven't heard from him since.

I had recently reconnected with my first boyfriend from high school. He was having me consult on his graphic novel he was writing. So, during our brainstorming session, I spilled my guts to  Christian. Christian then decided to play cupid.

"Hey, Mouse, I have a close friend, Adam Easton. You two would be perfect for each other. Send him a friend request on f*******:, I will call him, talk you up, and tell him to accept the friend request," said Christian.

"Come, on Chris, if he's as smart and perfect and wonderful as you claim, he'll not want to have anything to do with me. And don't you find it strange that you, who was my first boyfriend, you are now picking out a potential mate for me?" I said on the edge of hysterics.

"Calm down, breathe, Mouse. What is the worst that could happen? You two have a battle of wits and become friends at the very least. He is a great guy. He is the most 'celestial' mortal I have ever known," said Christian.

We talked  some more and Christian finally convinced me to take the risk. I sent the friend request.  And when the request wasn't accepted immediately I started to freak out.

"Well, Chris, see the man is as smart as you say he is, he's not taking the bait. He knows better than come anywhere near this dumpster fire," I said.

"Relax, Mouse, gee, when did you get so neurotic?!  He is a very busy guy. He cares for his elderly parents, he works fulltime, he has a very active social life on top of being a very dedicated volunteer at his church," said Christian..

Christian was able to calm me down. So I tried to exercise patience. Then a few days later, he finally accepted my request. But I was at work and not able to chat at that time. About three hours after he accepted my request I was able to respond to him. I had built it up in my head that he was the male version of me. So when it felt like I was the only one asking questions and carrying the conversation, I got frustrated and decided to pull the plug and burn the bridge, since the hype did not translate to reality.

Again, I lashed out in my frustrations to Christian. 

"Real nice, Chris. He is not the greatest guy in the world. He can barely carry on a conversation with me," I whined.

"Oh, my goodness, you have got to tone that down. He is a busy guy. You probably caught him at Pub Trivia, they aren't allowed to have their smart phones when the round is going on. Relax and give him a chance," said Christian. 

Again, I listened to Christian. I tried to relax, breathe and waited for Adam to respond.  And respond he did.

He wrote me the most beautiful apology text. It may have been simple, but that moment, those words captured my heart and erased the anger and frustration. We chatted until 2AM his time. Which was late considering he worked a 9 to 5 job at a bank. Things were clicking. He was the greatest guy in the world. 

But my anxiety started to build. What if my past is off putting to him? What if my messed up situation with Jensen scares him off? What if I tell him the truth, and he decides that I am not worth it? But the more I talk to him the more I want him in my life.

Things were going great, and it had only been four days. Four days and about 4-5 hours a night of us communicating via messenger. I decided to bite the bullet and get the uncomfortable conversation out of the way. So I asked him, "What is the longest relationship you have been in?"

His answer shocked me so bad. It felt like I was punched in the gut, and I wanted to throw up.

He was currently in a polyamorous relationship, that has been going on for over two and a half years. I immediately asked if Christian knew about him being polyamorous. He told me that yes, Christian and he had discussed it at length and that he was well aware of his relationship status.

I did not take it well. I seemed calm in my response, but underneath my polite request to still be friends and continue getting to know each other better, I was a raging tempest that wanted to tear Christian apart.

What was Christian thinking?! What was he playing at? Why would he set me up to be hurt like this? Why would he knowingly set me up with a polyamorous guy, especially after I told him about the Dwayne incident?!