Enduring the Storm

Brooke's POV There is not much that is certain in life, except for the blinding fact that things are always changing, and there is not much you can do to stop the changes. But at least for me, the changes seem to get harder as life moves on, challenging me when I least expect it. Like when you level up in a game, making you feel as if you don't know if you can finish the next 'level' but then you somehow do.. Or at least that is the case for myself. With each set of changes there is always the option that you could either learn to fight and get through in any way you can, or you could give into the pressure, letting it knock you down and running you over, before crushing you until there is nothing left to salvage. It's hard to get by and make those decisions that might seem impossible, but the decisions have to be made one way or another. So, everyone is entitled to make their own choices, for their own reasons in these hard situations. Let's just hope it's the right one. I can honestly say that throughout all of my trials in life, things have been incredibly hard for me, showing how relentless this reality can be on anyone, even for the innocent. But no matter how many times that B*tch called life has knocked me down, I won't stay down long, I can promise you that.. I will fight until my last possible breath to make sure that I get out of any hard situation, which I think makes me strong and I love that but most don't. I have never seen the issue with my strong personality, since it has helped me get by. But over the years, I have been called many things because of my strong personality that has evolved from my trails. Some have called me a selfish b*tch, from me only thinking of what I need. I can admit that I have been referred to as a relentless and hard-headed woman because I don't just give in.. But even some have commented on the fact that I never know when to give up.. But personally, I don't think that is a bad thing and probably won't ever change, no matter how old I get. Especially since I know that this way of thinking has helped me survive getting to the next day when I didn't even know if that was going to be possible. Things are hard because when you are forced to be on your own, facing the harsh reality with no one at your side to help you, it makes things seem all that more impossible. Especially when you need a partner to fight your battles when you don't have the strength or might not know how to solve the issue, but there is not anyone to help.. Making this exhausting situation incredibly hard to bare. This has been my life for far too long, as sad as that maybe to imagine for anyone. So, it's figured out pretty quickly, making the hard realization hard to swallow, that I don't have anyone to ask for help at all, that I'm all alone.. which is terrifying. So, I have figured out the hard way that I am the only person on this planet that will ever want me to have a good life and that I am the only one who can make it happen. Only with hard work and dedication to myself, for myself. This has all been so hard, but the most life-altering part for me, making myself this strong and hardened around my heart, was knowing from a very young age that I didn't have much. In the material aspect of things, but also in my life with family. I was only claimed in my small family of two. As long as I can remember, it was just me and my mother. I never had the chance to get to know anyone else in my family, on either mother's side of the family or even on my father's. So, because of that, it just ended up being the two of us every single day. Believe me, I asked her as much about my family as she would allow me to. But that didn't give me much to work with at all. For whatever reason, she never had a good relationship with her family.. She won't tell me why, she just tells me that they want no part in our lives, so she left. As for my father, she never spoke one word about him.. no matter how many times I asked.. There was never an explanation saying if he was good or bad.. or if the relationship ended because of him or her. She never wanted to let any details out and I never understood why. She only gave me his name. Rich.. not even a last name. Maybe she was afraid I would try to go see him.. who knows? But it took me years to get that much information, so I just finally just gave up. But it doesn't matter much, we had more important things to worry about that didn't involve the family that never wanted us. The issue I never saw coming, since my mother was very sick, and wouldn't let on at all, was the failing of her organs that hit my mother like a brick wall. I don't know how I never saw the signs until she was literally on her death bed. But maybe that was the camouflaged bliss of being a child and not knowing what real stress was at that point because she kept me sheltered from that reality as much as she could. But once it was figured out, I instantly offered to try to help, but she wouldn't accept it even though we were the same blood type. I tried, but I never even got the chance to attempt to help her before she tragically passed away, leaving me a small girl of 10 on my own.. In the blink of an eye, I had nothing and no one to turn to. There was a rough road ahead of me and I prayed that no one would ever have to go through or even imagine what I went through to get by on my own.. But I did what was needed to get done and I obviously survived.. and was even able to finish school.. barely, but I did. That, for me, is enough to be proud of myself even though there is no one else to be proud of me.. which is a hard pill to swallow but over the years I have gotten used to it. So, long story short, I have had to be alone for many years, just figuring out the hard way, what it takes to survive. I have learned many skills along the way that have gotten me through and ultimately made me stronger in multiple ways. So, because of this, I was able to survive those many years. I can say with all the confidence and pride in my heart that I did it all on my own, because of my own sacrifices and no one else's. It's been a rough road, but I couldn't be anymore proud of how strong I am, still gaining skills and strength with every day and every problem that I made it through. So, it doesn't matter what anyone else says about me, good or bad. Mostly bad, because not much good is said about me, if we are being honest. But it doesn't matter, since they don't know what I have gone through. And more importantly, they don't know what I needed to do just to see the light of day, from one day to the next. No one will understand, so I won't accept anything anyone else has to say about my life and how I am. I have met so many harsh people along the way that would like to think I am trash and don't deserve any type of happiness. But all their opinions won't ever matter to me, since I know deep within my heart, that they are wrong. I will prove it to them and myself, just by surviving to the next day, because I'm not trash and I deserve to live a fulfilled life as much as the next person. Succeeding in this world is harder than you think, especially when you don't have much of anything substantial for yourself, that would make things easier, even if it's just a little bit. But after a while of saving, I was finally able to do it. It's not much according to some, but after a while of working my ass off as a waitress at this strip club.. I finally had enough money to get me a car.. I don't have a place to live yet and I have been renting rooms for the week at a hotel or sleeping on friend's couches. But it's a step in the right direction that I finally have a car of my own and I will never be without a roof over my head again. If I don't have a place to stay for the night, instead of staying on the streets, which involves never sleeping and just hoping I am not attacked in the night, I will instead just stay in my car. The strength I gained within me when I bought the car was almost euphoric. I can honestly say that I felt a thousand feet tall putting the money for this used car in front of that man selling it. I saw the shock in his eyes, not even thinking for a second that I could pay for it without monthly payments. He thought he had me all figured out from the moment I stepped foot into that building. So it made the conversation so much sweeter when I shoved his payment plans back down his throat, since he never saw that twist coming. I can't recall how long the whole process took, but what I do remember is dangling the keys in my hand, prancing with the beat they made as if it was a song. I crossed the parking lot with ease and as I made eye contact with the one thing I worked so hard for and that I would call mine. It created a huge smile on my normally grim face, just knowing that nothing would be able to take the smile away. That was almost 4 years ago, but felt just like yesterday because I will never forget that moment. Probably because of the sad realization that it's the best memory I have to look at, as of right now. It's my 24th birthday today and of course I am alone with absolutely no one in my life who cares enough about me to celebrate it with me. So I'm laying in the back of my car, by myself. I once again don't have a place to stay, and I work early in the morning which is only a couple hours away, so a hotel room is not worth the money spent. So I have my old reliable car to give me shelter for a quick nap. But the hard part about that is that my car has changed it's mind about the reliable part. My car broke down last night, right outside my work, which is good and bad.. good because I will never be late and always have something to eat and drink if I get desperate. But it is bad because I can't leave this horrid place that brings some of the worst kinds of people around, especially when I just want a quiet moment away to collect myself after a bad shift. It gets hard to come back, but I know I need the money and these are part of the new skills I'm developing. I am learning how to deal with these drug and alcohol stress-influenced moments. I'm getting way better at dealing with these people in the situations since it's now been years of dealing with them. But that doesn't mean I don't need to get away just to decompress. So knowing I can't leave is making the anxiety in my system climb easily as if it's a mole hill. I am on edge, just praying to fall asleep if I can for the little bit I have to try to recharge. But I don't think it will be all of the mind-numbing that I need it to be. But I will take what I can get. I close my eyes, just trying to think about anything that might relax my body. I suck in a deep breath then let it out. Doing this process many times until I finally feel the darkness taking over, giving me the little bit of relief that I needed, just to make it through to tomorrow.