The Girl I Once Loved

Chapter 6

Amara's POV

"You're looking a bit fat there, little mouse. You are just asking for me to notice you," a wicked chuckle follows the sinister man's voice and started to rattle everything around. It vibrated through my body and made me want to run away. But as I tried to run, the laugh engulfed me. I had no where to go...

I wake up startled in sweat. My heart was pounding in my chest.

This nightmare comes around every so often and signifies the start of a bad few days for me. The kind that I don't get out of bed or eat much. Then mom makes me drink these protein drinks that are high in calories. They are always so gross. But more so, makes me feel like I have no control.

Maybe it won't be so bad this time. Maybe I'll be able to attend a bit of school before the darkness envelops me.

I look at my phone and see that it's 6:55. Just five minutes before my alarm is set to go off.

Guess I'm not getting any more sleep today.

I try to shake off the dream as I get out of bed. But as I look at myself in the mirror, I just hear that voice again.

"You're looking a bit fat there, little mouse. You are just asking for me to notice you,"

It was the same voice that always makes me want to be small. I remember in 8th grade, losing my appetite and barely wanting to eat anything. I became dangerously underweight, mom had me start talking to a therapist specializing in food. My weight has fluctuated since then. Sometimes I am fine, other times, I feel like I can be smaller.

But it's not like that changes anything. No matter how small I get, I'm ugly. I have no features that would attract anyone. Not with the fat, not with no features, and definitely with the scars. Who would ever love me?

I take a deep breathe in. If I am going to survive today, I need to stop my spiraling before it gets out of hand. If mom gets a whiff of what is going on with me, she would be bothering the hell out of me.

I throw on a long sleeved navy blue shirt and some jeans. I tuck my necklace into my shirt. Mom had to demand that I take it off but I refused to give in to that. It was something I held very close to my heart.

I grab my bag and converse and head downstairs.

"Mar! Breakfast!" I heard Max yell as I was at the top of the stairs.

"I told you to go get her. I could have yelled up the stairs myself." Mom scolded him.

"I'm coming," I yelled back reassuringly, so no one had to move to get me. As I get in to the doorway of the kitchen, I see Max and Zack helping each other out with getting their hair to be spiked perfectly.

Sometimes, I am jealous of their closeness. They are inseparable. Reminded me of Rafi...

"You OK sweetie?" Mom broke the spell that was over me.

"Yeah," I gave her a weak smile. "Just fine."

She gave me a frown as if she knew what I was hiding.

"Well, eat up." She placed some eggs in front of me.

I slowly ate my food. I was just dreading going to school with this feeling of something was going to happen. Why did that dream have to come this soon?

Soon I was on my way to school. I liked this peace. The sun was shining and I just wanted to stay in this peace. Away from home, from school, from the real world.

But soon, I am there. I dread being here. I knew I would be seeing Rafael today. When was I not going to see him? He was in all my classes. He even told me that he made it his mission to torment me so that would only mean seeing him.

It was only day 2 of school and I hated being here. I wished that whatever the hell happened would reveal itself to me so that I could process and move on. But life was never that easy.

I make my way to my locker and noticed it looked a bit off. I couldn't quite figure out what it was.

Just as I opened it, some kind of foam busted out. It got my shirt but I was still shocked. This foam was all over my locker and it looked like my notebooks were all ruined.

"Excuse me," a quiet squeak came from this girl standing next to me. I turn towards her. She was on some glasses that she was pushing back onto her nose. "I was told to give you this." She handed me a small garbage bag.

I couldn't do much but simply nod at her. I grabbed it and opened it up. I was hoping it was nothing gross.

But what I found just made me more shocked.

My textbooks, in ruins, pages torn from the binding, were in the bag. My parents were going to get made at me for having to pay for new books. But I didn't care in that moment. I looked up and made eye contact with him. He had a cocky smirk on his face as he watched the events unfold.

It's like I knew he was going to be here watching for my reaction.

His friends were around him laughing at what he had done.

And because of how today already started, he got me. That was the final straw of the day.

I turned back to my locker and put the bag in, not caring about the mess that was inside.

I didn't even spare him another glance, nor looked at the onlookers that were trying to figure out what was going on.

I just simply walked.

Right out the building.

I sent my mom a text so she could call it in for me. But I needed to get out of here and fast.

****

"What's going on?" Dr. Aniol asked me. On my way home from school, I put in a call to my therapist to take her up on the emergency appointment. She of course, could not meet so I was set up with Dr. Aniol. At least it was something.

"I feel like I am slipping from reality," I said looking down. I felt ashamed for how my brain worked a lot of the time.

"Why do you say that?" Dr. Aniol pushed.

"I had my usual nightmare that begins my fall into days I spend in bed. It is during this time that I usually have this feeling of receding back into my mind. Like I have some blacked out days." I explained.

"Is there something pushing you this time?" He asked me.

"Maybe." I say. I really didn't want to put this into the universe. "An old friend has been bullying me. Only started yesterday but its weighed a lot on me."

"This friend sounds like he or she may be more then just a friend if they hold that kind of power over you." He mused.

"We were really close. He had promised me to always protect me." I told him.

"Maybe take a couple of days to yourself to regroup. But I think that having a conversation with him may be something you and him need. I'm sensing some tension?" He asked.

I simply just nod.

"I don't condone bullying, but maybe this is something he needs to see this so that he can get to a point of talking to you. We all do have different coping mechanisms."

I sighed. This may be the thing that leads us to being closer. I just don't know how much I can take of this. But he did seem really hurt to see me yesterday. I wish he would allow me to talk to him without him blatantly calling him a liar, but it seemed like wishful thinking at this point. Maybe Dr. Aniol had a point. Maybe this will lead us to a place that we can have a conversation. I was just praying that we could have it sooner than having to endure any more bullying.

I guess for now there is nothing more I can do but go to bed.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.