4th of July // JOJI

It was sunset. You watch with an unwavering gaze as the fiery red orb sinks lower and lower, dying the sky orange and pink. It’s nearly 9 but the summer heat remains relentless as you sink into the back of the cab. You roll down the window, letting the breeze wash against your face. You hope it will calm you, but as the car makes its way down the winding path of vacation homes, the air does nothing to relax your racing heart. Any other summer you’d be itching to jump out of the cab and into your friend’s arms. It was a 4th of July tradition for your friend group to meet up at Adam’s parent’s home in East Hampton. He never missed an opportunity to throw a party and pretend the ridiculously extravagant house was his own for the weekend. It was fun to take a break from your classes and neverending waitressing hours to spend a few days in the pool, pretending like you belonged to this lifestyle. This year though, you were dreading it. You wanted to make up an excuse and lounge in the safety and loneliness of your own apartment. In the end you decided to suck it up and convince yourself you’ll be too drunk to even care if Joji is there with a girl. God, you were nervous. It had been months since you’d seen him. An entire tour had passed and despite always considering him a best friend, you’d barely spoken for almost a year now. You lie to yourself and chalk it up to simply being on different continents. When you arrive, he’s the first to spot you. You draw in a deep breath as he jumps from his seat and pulls you in. His arms wrap right around you and the force of his hug lifts you off the ground. Despite the heaviness in your stomach, it also flutters at the feeling of his body against yours. You scan the room for the tell tale blonde hair and bright dresses that come with his girlfriend but she’s nowhere to be seen. “You’re late.” He teases once your feet are back on the ground. His fingers poke at your sides. It’s immature. It’s silly. It’s Joji. You can’t help but smile back up at him. His hair is longer now and even messier than you remember it being the last time. The ends poke out from his baseball cap. He looks great and smells the same, cologne and faint cigarette smoke. “I think you’re all just early.” You taunt back, “You guys can’t have fun without me anyway.” He follows you into the living room where you greet the rest of your friends. It’s crowded and everyone is drinking and loudly mingling with each other. “There she is!” Adam squeezes you as if he hadn’t seen you just last week. You let him introduce you to everyone you don’t know. It’s overwhelming and you soon find yourself in the kitchen concocting a drink that you desperately need. You lean against the counter and spot Joji through the window sitting near the pool and campfire. There’s the girl beside him. There had been a drunken night. It was a year ago in June and you’d wanted him badly. Truthfully you’d wanted him since the first time you’d met 4 years ago. Adam was your best friend in college and was trying to get into music. He started making beats with Joji and you were hanging out in his apartment when he came over for the first time. Adam showed you his videos, laughing while Joji cringed on the couch beside you. “Oh my god, your voice.” Your stomach hurt from laughter as Adam chose another video to play and Joji groaned. “Stop.” He protested but you could see the smile on his face, “You guys fuckin’ suck.” You fell in love with the way he dove into everything, the way he cared about even the littlest things like they were important enough to change the world. He was so passionate about everything he worked on and you began to admire him for it. But he had a girlfriend then and you were with some guy. That never stopped the two of you from becoming good friends though. In the history of your entire friendship you had only ever been single at the same time once and it was during that stupid night where you were too drunk to censor yourself. It was the first time you’d ever said I love you and meant it. It was a year ago and you still remember exactly how his lips felt against yours. You remember how it was raining and how the thunder startled him and he bit your lip. How he tasted like tequila and you should have known then that this meant nothing. You remember how his body pressed against yours and how his large hands pulled your shirt up. He left for Asia shortly after and you never spoke about that night. You hardly spoke at all. There were texts here and there but only to say ‘hey’ or ‘happy new year.’ You heard through friends that he’d met a girl and you soon began to see her in his i********: stories. You pretended to be happy and tried to find someone new of your own. You f****d James and tried to convince yourself he was what you wanted. The two of you broke up last month and you hardly cared. You were lonely now but it wasn’t James you missed. You make your way out to the campfire, sitting and dangling your feet in the pool. Your friends join but you stay focused on the red cup in your hands, ignoring the conversation. They’re talking about music, something about playing a New York show. “You’ll be there right?” You don’t notice the question is directed towards you until you look up and see Joji’s eyes on you. “Yeah of course.” “You haven’t seen us play in so long, it’ll be fun.” Adam lights up beside you, knocking his shoulder into yours. You smile back but feel out of place. There are a few non musicians around, most of whom you also went to school with, but this crowd is very much DJs and singers and you’re very much not. You gulp down more of your drink until it’s gone, it’s the perfect balance of rum and cherry coke, and soon enough you feel loose enough to change the subject and suggest smores. Suddenly there are graham crackers and marshmallows everywhere and you’re actually enjoying yourself. You can’t help a few glances at Joji until all of a sudden he’s gone. Maybe he’s busy with her… He’s back before you can get too distressed with two red plastic cups. He passes his seat and comes straight to you, forcing one into your hand. “Cherry coke and rum?” He smiles.