The return of the dragon

I stand silently under the starry sky, I stand on the Earth, but I don't know to what I belong to, I don't know who am I. I wake up every day with a void in my heart, as if I’m not from here. I feel like a stranger here, among these people. I feel like a stranger in my own house, that is, in the house of my foster parents. As an adopted child, a lot of psychological attention was paid to me, my psychologist Maria thinks that I feel non-belongingness because I think that I was rejected by my biological parents. She thinks I need to forgive them and move on so I can fit comfortably into my life. I don’t know anything about my real parents, but I’ve never been mad at them. Yes, I tried to find out something about them, but I never got an answer that would have introduced me to them. I love my current parents, and they love me, I got everything I ever needed in my life and more than that. I received attention and immense love and I am very grateful for that. Sometimes I even feel guilty, I feel ungrateful because I feel like I don't belong there. I have everything I need, there are always people with me who love and support me, then why do I constantly feel as if everything and everyone around me is unknown. That feeling is not terrible and painful, but empty, I don't feel anything and that's the problem in a way, I don't feel alive even if I'm at the peak of my youth. Every day I get up and lie down wondering where I should be and what I should do. I have never had great difficulties before, I had a beautiful childhood, I was adopted as a very young child, and I do not remember my days before adoption. Mom and Dad loved me, I always had enough friends and I was never subjected to other children's jokes. I always had good grades, many sports went well for me, although I preferred martial arts, so I enrolled in krav maga classes as soon as I finished elementary school. My whole childhood went normally, my parents sent me to a psychologist when I found out that I was adopted. I didn't have any problems with that either, but my mom and dad wanted to make sure that everything would be fine. I never told them until then that I felt like a complete stranger in my life, and that was a problem that first came to light with a psychologist, and then the adults in my life registered it as a consequence of learning that I was adopted. Therapies didn't help me much, so I started studying psychological books about knowing myself and my subconscious. I still felt lost, in the last two years of high school I decided to ignore myself and my thoughts because I felt indescribably ungrateful and dishonest towards my family and friends. I decided to ignore every feeling of non-belonging that attacks me, and to try every day to immerse myself as much as possible in the things that fascinate me in this world, so I started studying physics. Although I never felt like I was part of this world, I was fascinated by every form of life and natural phenomena, like some magic that I wanted to experience. I wanted to find out how the world around me works, subconsciously I most likely wanted to find an answer to how I work too. As a child, I was fascinated by the theory of the multiverse, I always wanted to find a universe in which I would find the warmth of home, not like passers-by, travelers who lie down every night and get up every morning with the thought "Who am I?" I wanted to stand upright and proud over my own land, not to sway like a leaf when the wind carries it through the streets every day. But, now everything is the same, I am the same monotonous, calm girl who always thinks about some unknown worlds that do not exist. However, the exams distracted me from the world, I learned a lot in the first year. I successfully passed it and now I am trying to rest, that is why I agreed to join my friends on a festive camping tomorrow, like some celebration for the end of our first year of study. We chose a special place near the river on the mountain, which is completely sheltered by evergreen trees and rocks. That place is not completely intended for camping, it is located above the camps, but we are young students who are eager for action and excitement, what could go wrong? "Why are you so serious again, are you worried about the camping?" Kristen asked, suddenly waking me from my trance. "No, I was just thinking."   "She's not worried, obviously, because she hasn't checked the prognosis for the next few days." Arabella added: "What if the weather go bad, I mean, something can always happen, can we stay home?"   "Come on, you're always worried, every time when we're planning a trip, you're blinking with your prognosis. So we've already missed the perfect time for fun seven times." As every time, Dante had to declare himself.   "Well, sorry, we're not kids anymore, we need to think rationally!" Arabella just had to keep going.   "People, how about we calm down, relax and think positively?" Simon tried to calm Dante and Arabella down.   "Man, I'm calm, I just need to switch off a little bit. I almost failed all my exams, I'd like to get rid of my stress." Dante explained.   "Okay, then relax and don't constantly quarrel with Arabella."   "No, Simon, it's not okay, because we know very well what Dante means by relaxing. Weed. He's going to consume it again and burn my ribbons from the tent, and then he's going to try to drink from the river again and then he's going to cry again when he remembers that he peed in the same river. " Arabella continued.   "I think you're the only one who has a problem with that." Kristen spoke through a loud laugh. "Because I'm the only one thinking right." Arabella grumbled.   "Well now I'm offended!" Simon joked, while Dante, who was extremely proud of himself, laughed out loud.   "Hello, are you there, Eli?" Milo shook me with a smile.  "Um, yes, yes, I'm here!"   "You're lost again, I see, you stayed a little behind the others." He said without taking a smile off his face, "Now is the right time to gossip about them."   "Oh no, they only miss that in this situation." I finally laughed.   "Ah, that sarcasm." Milo shrugged.  "We've reached the crossroads! Finally." Arabella exclaimed liberated.   "Yes, yes, you shook us off!" Simon smiled as he continued down the street with Milo. While Arabella was almost running to entered her building on the corner. Dante walked down our street in the opposite direction, while Kristen and I continued down Chestnut Street. She is my neighbor, we have known each other all our lives. We are together almost every day, she is my best friend, yet sometimes I have a feeling we could both sit down and ask me "Who the f**k are you, Eli?" When we were little she called me a weirdo when we played in the sand, after I explained to her that I make a temple out of sand where dragons lay their eggs. We've been inseparable ever since, and yes, I still love dragons. "Hey weirdo, do you need a special tent?" "Excuse me?"  "For Milo and you?" She laughed. "No, why would I need it?" I was confused.  "Because you're the only one who didn't notice that he likes you. That's why." She got serious.  "Oh." I stared at the road in front of me: "I guess I have never thought about it."  "Well, I think we should talk about it ..."  "Pass."  "Come on, you'd be a nice couple!"  "And, we got home, what a shame."  "You're going to hide between your two ears again?" "No, I'm going to have lunch now, and then go to training ..."  "You're going today, too, and don't change the subject!"  "Yes, I'm going today, too, and I'm not deviating from the topic, because I didn't even start it." I teased her with a smile.  "Okay, weirdo, see you tomorrow, don't get muscle soreness and don't forget anything when you pack up. No, actually, I'll come help you."  "Okay, thanks, I'll let you know when I get back."We said goodbye and continued with our day. Dad was still at work when I got home, so I spent some quality time with my mom. We cooked lunch together and during the meal we discussed how I should take very good care of myself on the mountain because it is a dangerous place. After lunch she drove me to training. We had a light workout today, it’s weird that it actually bothers me. I love to fight, I love that feeling of fire that awakens in my veins. All that tension that tightens my stomach makes my urge to survive more and more activated. Of course, there is no excessive fighting in training clubs, everyone tries to follow what the coach showed him, and of course, no one is so fiery as to rudely attack someone, which is a good thing, no one should ever beat or attack someone, and especially not strongly. I am even "spared" sometimes. Everyone tells me that I am much stronger than I look, which is also the reason why my opponents do not take me seriously when they see me for the first time. When they first see me in the ring, they see only one ordinary girl sending monotonous vibes out of herself. She doesn't look like she's going to burst into flames at any moment, she seems like a calm and composed girl who was forced to do martial arts by someone as a young child, so she remained a member of the club because she didn't know what else to do in her free time. When the match starts, everything changes, I wake up and really start to exist. It can be noticed on me that all that action makes me happy, and that I enjoy it. Everything around me disappears, and everything is unreal except me. I never knew what I actually looked like while trying to beat an opponent in a match, until one day Kristen asked me with tears in her eyes if I was okay. I was confused by her reaction, I didn't know what was so terrible in the scene of my fight that made her cry. She explained to me that every time she sees me in the ring, she seems to see someone else. Milo agreed with her, they were both worried because they thought that I had serious problems with aggression and that sooner or later I would seriously harm someone, or myself. As much as I disagreed with their worries, I understood them, I realized they cared about me, it was one of the crucial moments when I started to feel guilty. They and my parents cared so much for me, and I just wanted to run away somewhere far away. It’s not that I didn’t love them, I did, even too much, so that was the moment when I started ignoring my true self. Of course, I explained to them that they should not worry about my aggression because I do not enjoy harming anyone, nor winning at any cost. I never, in fact, used all my strength, because that is not the essence of the true fight. For me, it is a sign of clumsiness and insecurity, I have never chose to fight because of I would use my strength on something, I am pretty sure that I do not even know what my maximum strength is. I chose to fight for the feeling that awakens in me, yes, but that feeling has never been tied to beatings and venting anger. That feeling always spoke of how I move, how vividly I can direct energy within my aroused body. When I fight, there is no opponent, there is no one, there is only me. My movements and their speed are the moments when I feel as if this body belongs to me. I find myself in perfect balance with myself, there are no thoughts outside of those with which I concentrate on my movements, I feel like I can do everything, I feel light, I have complete control over myself. With the time, I realized that it was partly the reason why I looked intimidating to others. Every time I reached complete balance over myself, my lips developed into a proud smile. To other people, it seemed a bit psychotic. When I learned to notice that smile during my ecstasy, I gradually managed to cover it up. But when I told my parents, they drew my attention to the fact that my smile is not the only thing that changes on my face. My eyes also changed. My mother explained to me that my brown, warm eyes were taking on a glowing color, that my gaze was no longer blades and warm, it was frying and becoming hard every time I fought someone. My father explained to me that this is a phenomenon that they never noticed in other children who trained with me. He also said that they never thought it would be a big problem because I never showed any problematic behaviors, they just realized that I was special. And as none of my coaches or teachers ever filed any complaints against me, they never found themselves in a situation to ask for help, as it was never needed. This knowledge never bothered me, I thought all that scene my eyes were expressing was interesting. I thought I looked awesome. I felt powerful when I thought about my eyes expressing the fire that I felt flowing through my body. As time went on, I completely ignored the fact that I was changing during the fight, I still enjoyed it, but I just started growing up. What worried me more was that I often didn't know how to explain who I was in general every day, not to mention how to explain who was the girl made out of fire who, like the wind, avoids the blows of her opponents.  Suddenly a bell rang on my phone.  "Yes?"  "Where are you, shouldn't you have come home already?"  "I'm still on my way, I stayed by the way and the lamppost that doesn't work. There are no clouds in the sky and the stars are beautifully visible."  "You're really weird, come home to pack. I'm waiting for you in front of your house." Kristen hung up before I could say "Okay." The stars were visible really well, if nothing else, at least there is nothing to suggest that there will be a storm tomorrow. I like to walk at night, I live in a safe part of the city and I really like the night air. I am slowly approaching the house, and she is really waiting for me. I smiled happily. Kristen stood in front of our gate in in-door bunny slippers, pajamas, and her brother Eiden’s larger jacket. I'm really happy that a person like this came into my life, and I know for sure that she will yell at me now...  "Well, you're really not normal! Come on in, we have to pack you up. You have to go to bed on time, we're leaving early at dawn tomorrow. I don't see why you always need to act like a little lonely kid who lost his mother in the mall. Don't laugh, I'm serious, get inside! " "Darling, hello to you too."  "You're going to be my death. You're lucky I love you so much, you know?" Her face finally brightened. I unlocked the gate and let her in first. She waited for me to get around her and kicked me childishly, laughing at the way her slipper fell off her foot along the way. The evening passed happily. We probably forgot to pack half of the necessary things. But of course, we certainly intended to take too many unnecessary things. Girls often do that. We pack too much clothes that we won't actually wear, but we will spend all five days of camping in one pair of pants and one huge T-shirt that we could both fit in at once.  "Are you sure you're not planning to run away from home. You've brought so many things that you'll have enough clothes for the rest of your life." My father was joking when he saw my over-packed luggage at the entrance to the room.  "Don't worry, Mr. Michael. We'll be back, no one makes gingerbread like Nicole. If we leave we'll never see them again." Kristen added with a laugh. "I'm going to tell my beloved wife that she's the only glue that keeps you in our family nest. And yes, Eiden came by and brought you all the things for tomorrow, he also brought you your jacket. He figured out that  you would ask him to do it anyway, so he prevented you. " "Yeah, he knows me well. He knew I wouldn't let Eli get bored all night alone. Before camping, we just need a sleepover." Exclaimed my friend cheerfully. "It's almost unnoticeable that we're adults." I added holding on to my forehead.  We hadn't been awake for a long time, but we realized that we should get some sleep before Dante and Milo came to pick us up at five in the morning. It was a bit nostalgic, before going to bed we talked and remembered how we spent our time when we were little. We remembered all the beautiful moments, at one point a tear even ran down my cheek. I didn't feel like I was completely part of those memories, but I loved them. A tear of joy flowed from my eye, and somehow I had that feeling as if everything was over and I didn't know what to expect from tomorrow. It is as if a new beginning awaits me tomorrow and as if everything that has been so far is disappearing. It was dark and Kristen didn't notice how emotional I actually was with these topics, so she tried to start a story about how I needed a love life and how Milo would be my perfect partner. There I came back from the sea of feelings, normally, I didn't want to continue that topic again, so I fell silent and slowly we both fell asleep. My last thoughts are always the same before I close my eyes "Who am I, and what will I be tomorrow?"