Lonely is the new Free

Looking over the horizon I feel the need to cry knowing that its that time again when the memories I wanted to disappear keeps haunting me over and over again. I wanted to disappear from this world I still cannot forgive myself, why? I was back at the same spot where I was years ago it seems I will be here more years to come knowing it was my fault all along. I know you're wondering what caused my little dramatic moment, well it all started with an argument years ago with none other than my parents, this changed my life to what it is now. Flashback "Mother you can't force me to go" I shouted stubbornly she was annoying me, constantly pressuring me to go to this formal event where they would arrange a wedding for me "but honey its for the best" she said sweetly trying to touch my hair. This got me angrier "you cannot force me mother for all I know he might be a convict". I know I was getting ahead of myself but it was what I was feeling , even though I haven't met the guy, it was just annoying to know that my own parents would just married me off. My father came in the room with his black suit on, I took a minute to appreciate my fathers' presents, but before he could say anything I walked out ran to my room locking the door behind me. I could hear their soft hush whispers but not quite hearing what was being said only the grave word of "him" "killing" I wasn't too concern with that, I pretended not to care. I sat near the window looking to the stars My parents left a little while ago but not after trying to talk me in to coming one last time. I swear when they were talking I heard a slight fear and worry in their voices but I was confused but I ignore it, being so stubborn I should have listen to that warning voice in the back of mind warning me of danger but what can a 17 year old do I was not about to give my life away to some guy who could be way older than me more less my parents age. I exhale I'm thinking too much I might go insane if I don't calm down soon. Its past midnight I stayed up wanting to apologize to my parents, I had final calmed down I felt that guilt building up in the pit of my stomach, they were only looking out for me but in a very odd way, I sighed sitting up waiting to hear for a sound of a car or even the front door opening up but it never came. A slight fear creep in my stomach making my throat dry along with my head twitching with pain. I pushed the feelings away for it was a mind game to think about what could have happened if my parents were in danger. I walked to their bedroom wanting to get rid of this pain I laid in the bed, my eyes closed I slowly drifting off to a very painful sleep . In the back of my mind, the fear of something happening played with my heart string but who to tell that night something did happened to my parents I blamed myself after I fell asleep without knowing Why. The following morning I felt the cold air around the room. The whole house was cold no matter with the warm sun rays shining through. I went downstairs but there was no one I would always wake with the smell of my mothers' cooking and with my fathers' laughter with his mug in front of him on the table but NO there was only the feeling of coldness walking on every inch of my skin. I began to shake fearing the unknown in my daze I heard a knock on the door, I walked slowly over to look through the peep hole my blood ran cold I saw a police officer I pulled the door so quick "Morning miss......" the expression which was shown to me left me falling to my knees I already know what he was going to say, I couldn't take it my tears blinding me I felt him helping me up I was not able to move I lost consciousness with my mind playing over the words that killed me inside "they were dead". The sounds of beeping and soft whispers had my ears activating. My eyes opened slowly looking at the white ceiling that came into view "oh heavens she's awake" I heard someone shouted I turn my head slowly to the right facing my aunt and grandmother. I could see that they were crying I was too but I was dying inside the pain was too much to handle " It is all my fault......... I killed my parents..... I killed...." M y aunt secure me in a tight hug whispering for me to calm down "it is not your fault". I cried harder in my aunt shoulder, my grandmother walked slowly tears flowing down her face she joined the hug we all cried together trying to ease this dying feeling in my stomach and the pain was worse tearing my heard apart. I woke up with my aunt and grandmother hugging me tight, I felt so empty inside I felt so alone, I lost my best friends and It was my fault. The day of the funeral came in a blur. They got in a car accident, this got my heart to pain even more but also this accident seems confusing they were driving home when the car collide in a truck that suddenly stopped in front and right behind another truck hit them from behind. I lost my footing when I heard this news I was carried home by my grandmother and aunt, they stayed with me for some months as I moved to live with them in the country side far from the pain of my heart and mind but that lonely feeling was still present. It has been six years now and the pain was there for each year that past, I visited that same spot hoping to disappear.