Loving the Surrogate

The lady brain explained

I woke up one morning to a very loud sound coming from the thin walls of our rented space.

It was not thunder, for I could see the dawn sky from my bedroom window. It was as clear as crystal. I do not close them since we live on the fifth floor and the fire exit is on the other side of the building.

My neighbor Rene and her boyfriend are probably having a fight at the most comfy time of the night, or day. It was 2 am for Pete's sake and these two would not stop shouting the most mundane things at one another. Obviously, they did not care what the current time was. They never did. Rene moved into their building three months ago and has since been quite the rule breaker among the army of tenants. I tried to block the sounds by pressing my pillow to my ear but it did nothing really. I tried two pillows on both ears. can hear them still. Ugh. I mentally stabbed Rene and the guy she is with right now. If only killing inconsiderate neighbors was not a heinous crime in the Unites States. I tried my earphones and played a classic sonata and prayed it would help me find sleep where it left me off. Nada. I had to let them know that they woke me up and probably the rest of the neighborhood.

"It's two am, Rene. We want our sleep as well! We have very thin walls here in case you miss it!'' I said as I tried to snuggle on my bed covers pleading for sleep to come back again. I have classes at eight. I need sleep.

"Sorry!" Rene yelled.

"Thank you and please, continue it in the morning."

"Sorry, Hanna." She yelled once more.

Oh thank God. She tossed and turned her pillow to find a good sleeping position and closed her eyes. It only took them five minutes before those two that it was already morning and she suggested continuing in the morning. Technically, it is morning now. Jesus Christ. People can be so shallow and literal.

They did minimize their voices for a couple of minutes but went back to deciding they needed to shout to let everybody know they're at it again, that they both have a damn point worthy of hearing out. It was good, only if the way of execution was better and involved less screaming and cussing. I could hear "you filthy son of a b*tch!" in every sentence. I knew that moment that joining in their ruckus wouldn't do me any good, so I just lay there talking to myself loudly as if it would match the noise from the other wall, telling myself things like:

"Hanna, if the Gods are kind enough to give you a boyfriend, I hope he doesn't cuss like whoever Rene is dating now. I pray to the Gods of love or cupid, whoever is in charge of the dating pool that he is sensitive enough and he knows my worth.'' Because really, who wants to engage in fights like five times a week and be sane? Rene probably, but not me.

My philosophy of love is simple. You treat me well, I treat you better. Throw in the moon and some stars and we get along fine. I never ask for the impossible. I am content, simple and I work hard for what I want. While other girls would ask their man to buy something for them, Hanna would rather save and buy it herself. Not to confuse or anything, but she was never in a relationship. Ever.

Honestly, she does not get why men don't get it when they can figure out what's wrong with their cars by just listening to the engine sounds. Like how, dude? How are cars easier to understand while your woman has already told you what she likes and what she dislikes on your first twenty dates? How do men lose grip of these very, very, very important details? Retention is men's lowest point.

Here she was in bed, trying to analyze how a man's brain works because she, honest to goodness, thinks that she just heard another of Rene's desperate screams.

"All I ask from you is to talk to me. Communicate,Tom! You never want to talk! God damn it!"

Now I know his name is Tom and he is not big on communications. Women, on the other hand, are like Oprah. The only difference is that they are not paid, also minus the audience participation and luxurious give aways. We would like to know how your day in the office was, if Tom was working.(I'm not sure. Rene likes his men like how she wants her coffee--Lame.) What did you have for lunch? Did that awful office mate barf loudly again or did you like the burrito I made for you? Did it give you gas? Was it too spicy?

Things like that may sound so normal to the man-brain, but not having them makes us start planting little red flags all through throughout the duration of the relationship and we nurture them so well until they grow to be too much to handle and prune and trim.

They grow out of control and they explode pretty much like what's happening to my neighbor now. Rene works as a*****e assistant and was pretty and nice and Hanna cannot see why Tom was being a jerk to her. Explosions of any kind are not pretty, Tom.

I tried to get some sleep and woke up to my phone vibrating wildly. The sun was up and wildly shining.

"Hello." I said with a voice that almost sounded like it was coming from inside a grave. It was my other best friend. I only have two, by the way. Dylan and her---the one who's calling me--Cali. No , not named after California. Her name is Calista.

"Hanna, please, please do not tell me that your neighbor's drama kept you awake so you overslept and kept your pretty best friend in the whole world alone in the school cafeteria to attend P.E, our most hated school subject, huh?" Cali knows me too well that I do not even have to divulge into the details.

"I am on my way, Cali. Good morning too. Please, for the love of God, get me some bagels, please.''

I hung up, then didn't bother to make the bed because if you knew Calista Avery ,you wouldn't want to keep her waiting too long because she wouldn't let you forget how you kept her waiting for weeks. Cali and I go a long way back. We met at primary school when bullies wouldn't stop picking on me because I was a teeny weeny girl. You can say that she is somewhat my savior and I have never left her protective side since then. Dylan joined our trio shortly after. And that remained a trio to this day. Although we had other friends outside our very close circle, at the end of the day, it was still us three. Luckily, the school we were attending was just a five minute bus ride and I arrived at the school cafeteria like I was running for my dear life. I saw Cali at our spot and ran towards her as she saw me too and waved the bag of bagels in mid air. I could almost taste the bagel and feel the hot coffee sliding down my throat.

" You look awful." She said, shoving the bagel and the coffee at me.

" Oooh, coffee and bagel and my favorite person in the morning. I could not ask for more. Thank you Calista." I took a sip of the coffee and regretted it because it was searing hot.

"You know coffee is meant to be served hot, don't you, and I am not your favorite person, am I? Do not ever give me false hopes. Jo is your favorite in the whole world. Don't try to fool me." She grinned, disbelieving every word I said to compliment her.

I was too hungry to lash back so I devoured the bagel instead. Chomping it. Hell, it was so, so good.

"By the way, Prof Lindon cancelled class today, says his wife is going to labor. That woman gives birth yearly, I swear." I stopped mid air and stuffing my mouth in awe.

"When did this happen? And you let me go to school like this? And where the hell is Dylan?" My other best friend is unbelievable and we just laughed at our accidental free time.

"Guess we will just have to spend the whole morning enduring each other, huh?" Her smile clearly suggests that she loves the idea of the whole morning with me. I like that too, to take my mind away from the responsibilities I have. To make me feel that I am like most girls my age. Going out with friends, parties, meeting boys, shopping ,sleep overs and just simply hanging out with my bestie with a burnt tongue and two more bagels. We had the whole morning off and our butts hurt from sitting on the hard cafeteria bench, so we decided to go to our second spot at school. From the cafeteria it would take like three minutes to walk to the school park and we settled under the willow tree. Just lying there watching students and life pass by. Dylan came after what seemed an eternity.

"What's your ideal guy, Han?''

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, you are not deaf." She tossed her note at me.

"I don't know Cali, guess I'll know if he's Mister right."

"That's BS. I know you have a checklist ,you have it on the back of your calculus notebook. Saw it when I copied a note last week."

She was grinning broadly and I cannot deny it any more.

"Yeah, I saw that too!" Dylan remembered too, when she borrowed one of my notebooks.

"Oh no, I'm busted." I said in a fake horror-filled voice.

"Hell, yeah you are. Spill the tea."

Cali is one of those people who don't take no for an answer. If you wanna live to see another day ,you better oblige. She could have a career with the feds. The girl is a natural. She and Dylan could consider that career in the future.

"I want a guy who can talk about his feelings freely. I mean communication and not the bragging type, because we can all agree to disagree that hearing is different from listening. Tall. Dark and annoyingly sweet. The type who sends you flowers for no reasons at all and who will make me feel like I am the best thing that's happened in his life. Someone who is consistent, not clingy though. The kind that sends you good morning texts to let you know that he is thinking of you the moment he wakes up and sends goodnight texts too that tells you that you are remembered before he hits the sack. The type of guy who will not let his girl feel insecure ,someone who's got eyes only for her and proves his love every day. Is that too much to ask for?"

"Sweetie, you're asking for a saint or the impossible.''Cali said.

"You watch too many romantic movies." Dylan added.

One thing about Cali: she's realistic but not a pessimist. She doesn't sugar coat stuff and that's what I love about her, but she asked me and I just answered based on what I wanted Mr. Right to be. Maybe I am asking for too much from men and maybe life likes to throw shade on our life goals ,tweak them a bit and alter our lives completely. Life does not give you want, it gives you what you need. At the right time, at the right place. Or maybe not. Life sh*ts everybody at one point or another.