Dance of Danger and Desire

How do you perceive meeting your true love? How do you imagine locking eyes with him and feeling that anticipation of love in your heart? How does love work anyway? Here I am at the seaside with nothing but my empty head and heart. How long has it been since I let someone into my life? I think it’s been ten years now. Well, he practically didn’t leave me or me leaving him, the feelings just….. vanished. We sat in a fancy restaurant with glamorous chandeliers and shiny utensils, staring at each other like crazy. We didn’t talk or eat at that time. The food on our table is untouched, even the wine that I specially ordered to be served. It was his favorite wine, so I expect he’ll at least take a sip. He breaks the silence after minutes of sitting and facing each other. He takes a deep breath before he says it loudly. The word ‘break up’ hit me first. It didn’t hurt much, but it did. We spent years together like crazy real lovers, so I guess I could be hurt even just a little. It’s actually funny how he refused to look in my eyes thinking that I might throw a tantrum after what he just said. It’s also funny how he looks so stupid after telling me to let him go. I almost burst into laughter, but I guess I'd look bad if I did so. Of course, I didn’t budge at that time. He was the last person I wanted to associate myself with. He left without hearing my reply. He invited me and left me all alone in the restaurant. Thinking about my previous relationship is exhausting. Recalling everything that happened and the cringing actions I’d done to him is a headache. The sea is calm, and the waves are beautiful with the bright moon ahead . Why not think about those? The breeze swift through my skin like ice crystals piercing through my veins and the sand…god the sand feels so good in the space between the fingers on my feet. It’s small and very delicate and white. The small seashells that were mixed in the sand are so cute and adorable in the eyes. Perhaps life in the ocean is much better than living in a chaotic land. I can’t believe that the day would end without a single call from my friend, Phoebe. She must be busy with her kid and stuff, but I guess she’s busy interviewing different people too, if only a new case is in town. I glance at my phone occasionally, waiting for a call or a new notification about another ridiculous drug fight, rallies, killings, or politics. My phone is silent and boring to start. I can’t just sit here like an emotional woman when, in fact, there are so many things going on inside my mind for the whole night. I want to call Phoebe or anyone in the office, but I doubt if they’ll answer the call. Maybe this vacation will only make sense if I put my mind and my heart into it. The problem is, I just can’t. The sea waves started to be wild. Big waves appear and the sound of splashing water makes me scared a bit. I imagine a shark or a whale suddenly appearing in the ocean while waiting for prey. Well, I know it’ll not be me, but it's still scary as hell. How can an adult be a freaking girl scared of whales when they are adorable? You must be asking now, but believe me, I just knew they were hell scary. “So tell me, what occupies your head so much that you can’t even blink for a second?” my sister-in-law asked with her sweet, jolly voice. I smile as she sits beside me, “Nothing. Sort of thing, I’ll say.” Laura is my brother’s wife, and she’s damn hot. She has a perfect curve, a long nose, almond blue eyes, and pouty lips. She’s tall and, despite having a kid, her shape never left her. She has long wavy brown hair. Collarbones are visible with her two-piece swimsuit and floral dress. Her hair is playing with the wind. If I was a stranger, I would definitely ask for her number. “Thinking about work?” she asked again. I don’t want to lie around her, but she wouldn’t like it if I told the truth. As a matter of fact, Laura loves vacations, especially with her family. She planned everything all alone and excitedly told us to file for a vacation. I was a bit stunned when she told us about it out of nowhere, but I just can’t hate her. She’s sweet, lovely, joyful, and, of course, very beautiful and hot. “No, of course not. I need a break,” I answered as I stretched my legs and my arms. She giggles, “I’m sorry for the sudden vacation. I mean, I really didn’t mean it. I just thought maybe we all needed to take a break. You, I, and Jonas are all stressed out at work. I think the only person who is not stressed about everything is Anna.” “Right, that kid is full of energy every day, I hope I can be like her,” I said, looking back at my little niece playing with her dad. “Adults will only be a child when they turn old and, for us, we can only hope for the best,” she muttered. It was late in the night when we decided to have a toast. We have two more days for our vacation and I can’t help to not think of going home already. Jonas prepares some beers and Laura gets peanuts and chips, while I at nothing but my appearance at the little get-together. Anna is asleep in her room so no one can disturb us already. We gathered in the living room while watching a movie. Laura is cuddling around Jonas, and I’m at the side, distanced from the couple cuddling my pillow. The movie is so damn good and the actors are hell talented, but throughout the movie, I can’t take my head from thinking about my life: work. I want to tell Laura and Jonas about it, but I don’t know how. We’re working in the same building, but they won’t understand how I love working. Besides, I’m really not into vacation these days. I waited for the movie to finish before I dropped the bomb. I don’t want to disturb them from their focus just to be selfish. When Laura turned the TV off, I sat straight and cleared my throat. I can do this, I told myself. “Well you’re aware that I’m having a great time during this vacation, right?” I said with a crack in my voice, as if I was being questioned. Laura and Jonas exchange confused looks on their faces. “Surely, yes,” Jonas answered. “I need to go back home. Phoebe called me this morning, and she said they need my help in the office,” I lied. Laura gives me a reassuring smile, “then go. We won’t hold you back if the people need you,” she said. I freeze. I really don’t know what to feel at the moment. Laura is considerate, yes, but I never expected she'd agree so fast, but surely she’s heartbroken. She doesn’t want me to leave, says her eyes. In the past few days, she said she’s very happy and thankful that I got to be with them, and now I feel bad. I don’t want to leave and break her heart, but I won’t be happy for the coming days either if I stay. My brother looked at his wife with lovely eyes. For sure, he can’t imagine how lucky he is to have met his wife. “I don’t think I can still say no,” Jonas answered. “Thanks. I’ll leave by tomorrow.”