The Ex's Daddy

Episode 16

Levy

And finally, she sleeps. Her head is on my shoulder, and it feels exactly where it should be, even though I shouldn’t quite like it as much as I do I can’t help but love the way the warmth radiates of her soft cheek on my shoulder.

Should I drape an arm around her? Would it look too much like we’re lovers? I know we’re not but still what would the nurses think? They can clearly see I am old enough to be her father, albeit a young father. Hell, thirty-eight isn’t old but the way I feel sometimes having gone through fatherhood with Dylan from a very young age and losing my wife Lilly, there are days when I feel old, like proper old.

She breathes softly, it’s fast becoming my favorite sound the way she makes these adorable, cute noises. I consider recording her to listen to her when I lay in my lonely bed at night, when this hospital ordeal is over.

A nurse passes us by and smiles warmly at me. She must think that Harper is my daughter. f**k it, I’m putting my arm around her more for comfort than anything, I lie to myself. Who am I trying to kid? I want to feel her closer against my chest, it might be the only time and I’ve liked her for a while now.

Don’t even get me started on the way she looks at me and smiles at me with that pretty mouth of hers and those full, plump lips she has. I rest my head back; it’s been a long night already and who knows how much longer we will need to be here.

Until her mother wakes up but that could be anytime. From what I understand she took a hell of a lot of products and it could be a while. Still, at least for now she is stable.

The doctor had come by and told me that everything with Harper’s mom is stable, she is going to make it but will need a lot of care and attention in the following months.

Hence the reason I have already had her booked into the private clinic not too far away. I know the kids won’t be able to go visit her, but at least they’ll be comforted knowing that their mother is close by. After about twenty-eight days, they’ll be able to go visit her for a couple of hours every few days. It’s going to be a long haul but if her mother is anything like Harper, she’s a fighter.

I feel her stir against me, then a hand on my thigh. I swallow and look down, her grip is tightening causing all sorts of things to happen to me. My heart rate shoots right up, is she dreaming? What is she dreaming? Then I see her long, dark lashes fluttering against her peachy cheek.

She opens her eyes, those big, beautiful cornflower blue eyes of hers. I am totally lost in them as she stares up at me. “Hi,” she says.

“You fell asleep,” I tell her. She nods and snuggles in closer; I pull my arm around her and hold her.

“I like it in your arms, Levy. It feels so good.”

“You needed to feel comforted; Harper don’t get any ideas.”

“Like what ideas?”

“You know what I mean.”

“No, tell me.”

I bite my lower lip. “We can’t do anything you know that, right?”

“Why not?” Man, her innocent eyes are killing me right now. I could give in to anything she wants, the way she is looking at me I feel as if I am drowning in them. She is mesmerizing, her dark lashes flutter.

“Because, for a start I am Dylan’s dad and secondly, you are too young for me. Thirdly, I can’t commit not after losing Lilly, it crippled me.”

She places a hand on my chest, it’s soft, warm and makes my heart race not to mention it’s making my d**k get some kind of memo that it shouldn’t be getting right now. For f**k’s sake I am sitting on a hospital chair with her mother fighting for her life in the room behind us.

“You need to get over all of that. I’m a consenting adult, Levy not some young kid out of high school. Besides, there are kids in high school dating much older men.” She huffs out and runs her tongue along her lower lip.

I’m not going to tell you what I want to do with those lips or that tongue. My mind goes into one imagining kissing her, feeling her tongue exploring my mouth. My b***r starts to ache in my jeans, f**k, f**k. It’s been forever since I last had s*x, and right now I don’t need to have blue balls.

“Not the point, Harper. You’re my kid’s ex-girlfriend. You know we can’t act on our attraction or whatever this is.”

She huffs and pushes away from me, leaving me instantly feeling lonely and cold without her body pushing up against me. Feeling the soft swell of her breasts against my side.

Harper stretches her arms above her head, “any news on my mother?”

“Doc came round about half an hour ago on his final rounds. Said she will pull through. You know your momma has a lot of hard work in front of her, right?”

“Yes,” her voice is whisper. “I hope this time she can stay clean. It’s horrid to see her wasting her life like this. And as for her arsehole boyfriend, he should be shot.”

It’s true he’s a jerk and a dealer, no doubt preying off Harper’s mother. It’s so f*****g sad to see. “I hope she does too, kid.”

“Do. Not. Call. Me. Kid.” She says every word slowly as if she’s talking to a child. “I am a grown woman Levy and you need to see that.”

“Listen, Harper, I do see that. I also see a lot of upset if I act on my…” I am lacking words here. It’s not love, I don’t do love anymore not after Lily dying from cancer a couple of years ago. It ripped me apart, and everyday I was with her, nursing her, heling the hospice team. Holding her hand, offering her sips of water, massaging her painful legs. Just the thought grips my heart and strangle holds it. I can’t love anyone again.

Personally, I think I am incapable of loving anyone ever again. My heart is on lockdown, and I will not release it to have it torn wide open. “Attraction,” I offer for the word that best fits. Although, I do care about her. She’s an easy girl to care for, especially with everything she is going through. I mean I care about her kid sister, but this is different. I can’t make any sense of it. Not right now.

“You need to open up and loosen up at some point, Levy. Stop hiding behind Lily and her death.” It’s as if she has just slapped me in the face. I clench my fists in my lap, then lean my elbows on my knees and sit forward. “You don’t get it, Harper. I am not risking the relationship with my son to get into the sack with you. That’s all you want anyway.”

She goes beetroot right to the tips of her ears. “You Levy have got a dirty mind, I never said I wanted to f**k you.”

I raise my eyebrows, “what is that supposed to mean?” Her voice is cooler than before.

“Oh, nothing. Just you know, the way you’ve been looking at me the last few months and being suggestive, I’d say you want me to f**k you.”

Is it possible for her to blush anymore, yes since she’s gone pretty much scarlet right now. “Let’s just drop this okay, Harper. I will always be here for you, but just not like that. Besides, I’m damaged goods. I don’t hide behind Lilly’s death, I am just incapable of ever loving anyone except Dylan of course, again.”

She stares at me and blinks. Why am I being so harsh to her? It’s not how I want to be but a part of me is scared. A beautiful, sweet girl who is fiercely intelligent and has a giant, kind heart would be so damn easy to love but I can’t go there. I cannot allow myself to upset anything I have with Dylan.

I rake my hands through my hair. f**k’s sake, he’s only just gotten himself together after losing his mother to a tragic disease. It tore him apart as much as me. He stopped going to school, he wouldn’t eat, he drank too much, and I swear if it hadn’t have been for the love of Harper at the time, my kid would have gone right off the rails.

It's taken two long years for my kid to be the kid he used to be, and I still fret and worry that anything could send him over the edge. Me hooking up with Harper would definitely be the last straw. He’d never forgive me. How could he? Who would forgive their father for hooking up with their ex-girlfriend.

I’m old enough at thirty-eight to know better, I shouldn’t even be interested in a young woman eighteen years my junior. “You are not damaged goods, Levy.” Harper comes to sit back down next to me and takes my large hands in hers. She looks so tiny and dainty next to my bulk.

“You’re lonely, you’re still hurting and yeah, I get about the Dylan thing but he has Lacey now. I know your son; Levy and he would want the absolute best for you.”

“Of course, he would but not hooking up and having s*x with his ex. You gotta know Dylan still loves you, Harper.”

“Sure, I do. I love him too, I always will.” My heart is in my mouth right now. “But Levy not like that.”

I lower my head, so our foreheads are resting against each other’s and kiss the tip of her nose. “You deserve not to be lonely, Levy. We all deserve not to be lonely, to have something in our life that makes us feel good. Let’s face it, this is a s**t show, my momma laying in a hospital bed fighting to live a life she doesn’t even want. Me having to take care of m kid sister, running two jobs because we never have any money and studying. It’s not a life I want. I need something Levy that makes me feel good.”

Damn and f**k nation, this girl is killing me right now with those big eyes of her, that pouting mouth that I want to crash my own lips on to and take. Her body so perfect, so close to mine and those tiny hands cupping mine. I can feel my body reacting to her and it shouldn’t. I am the older one, I have to pull myself together.

Yet, I know she needs to feel good. Don’t we all? I sure as hell want to feel the warmth of her body pressed against mine, underneath mine, I want to lose myself in her for a while and feel the best I can. Even if it is just for a few hours.

I withdraw my hands. “I can’t Harper, it’s wrong. We both know that.” Before I can say anything further, her warm lips are on mine, her tongue is slipping into my mouth and oh, f**k now what?