My Paradise

We all have a different kind of life. Some dream of having what is yours and want what is mine. As I understand in life, life is full of enigmatic. The world that I am living in right now, I call PARADISE. In Paradise, I live has an enigmatic . Is yours as well? I have so many questions, doubts and thoughts about it. Why is my paradise different from yours? Can I survive here? Or is this a place worth living in ? A question that only I can answer and answer that never satisfied me. I kept thinking about all the WHAT'S? WHY ? And HOW, but why should I worry about it? Am I just the only person living here ? NO! But still I don't ever answer my questions. I started my life living in this paradise thinking that everything was so easy, to get love, care, attention and surviving seemed so easy to me. There's no pressure and even problems are so basic. I'm just a young and innocent girl. I just wanted to explore the paradise that was given to me. I grew up thinking the best is already enough for everything to have a successful life, carer and family. Even thinking I made the best version of myself. Everything is so playful, I just enjoy the games in life - meeting such new people and building relationships that we call 'friends' and it might end relationships'. Everything is perfect. You never care how your family feel during this time that you are in the stage of 'curiosity'. You think without them, you could make it - without them, you already understand the scenario. My teenage life was very enjoyable. I was influenced by drinking, clubbing and became more stubborn. Nothing is different day by day, the same scenario, different people I met and different influences I've learned. I never regret any of it. I never tell myself I should be listening to my parents, never in my single thought. Whatever we choose in life, there is always a consequence that might be good or bad, but in the end we learn from it. But me? I never learn from it. Instead, I have become worse and worse and the question is, is this the life I deserve? Is this worth doing? I only wish and dream of having a wonderful, stable life and a good carer, not even thinking about having a family. Being just yourself is stress-free - you can do and buy what you want, no obligations and responsibilities. Do you all care what you will do tomorrow ? Who is going to be with your close friend tomorrow? What are you going to do? Every day is nothing special. I sleep during the morning. I wake up in the afternoon and go home early in the morning. If you ask me, are my parents happy ? How are they with my life? Of course not ! I experienced being locked outside, being punched and having an early morning agenda listening to all the hateful words. Describing how good you are as a girl and a good example to everyone, comparing me and my sister, who is very serious, never going out or having parties and having a good relationship are to say so. Nothing is special to me. Others may see how talented and competitive I am at the same time, but none of my family sees it. None of my achievements in school see their faces or just a little reaction that they were proud of me. All I can see is disappointment and the worthless person I am. However, I have friends around me makes me calm and makes me a very important person to them, including having family. That makes me very special. They welcome them to their home not knowing, how I can be, a bad influence on their child. They feed me like their own child. I can see the simple life they had - they are very happy, small achievements for their child are nothing more compared to having nothing. I feel the love felt by others that I should have felt for my own family. I should be open to my family and not to others. I just feel love and care for them and not for others. I can barely say life is unfair. I grew up in a life where I never worried about what to eat and what to spend. My parents are very hard-working. My dad really spoiled me that he shouldn't do it. They made me . They made me for who I am. Their actions weren't enough to control me. I know it's me to blame for all my actions, but why only me? They are my parents who made me and allow me to see the world? Why can't they explain to me that this is life, this is the world and this is the paradise I choose to live in. A lot of questions have never been answered, but Then, the nightmare had come. I became an early mother. I got pregnant at the age of 15 years old, and I gave birth to a very handsome and adorable boy at the age of 16 years old. I'm giving birth when only my sister is at my side, all the painful labor and taking good care of a young boy - only here is beside me in the hospital supporting me and keep motivating me at everything going to be alright. I hid my regret, envy, being so broke and being so hurt, hated the boy I used to love, and I expected him to be with me. These scenarios never showed, nor what I have been through. I hide those painful feelings that you don't know where they came from. The loneliness and the envy of others, seeing their partner taking good care of them, all I can say is that I deserve to follow what my heart is saying. I regret loving a person who doesn't deserve the love, care and effort I gave. I lost so many oppurtunity in life.I hid those emotions for the reason I don't want to be blame with my action , Im not ready to face the reality that i am now up too. I kept asking myself why im so hard headed that i easy words and discussion from my parents are so hard for me to understand . I stayed in the hospital for a week with my sister who became my private nurse , be with in bathroom , feed me and helped me to stand up as i am so weak during that time i have no enough strenght my body is so weak , maybe because at my very young age and young body is adjusting with all the the changes and experience i had during my labor.As I carry my son in my arms and feel his skin and looking his adorable face while holding his tiny fingers i cant hold back my tears while saying my mind how can this little boy be inside me now , my emotion and feeling during that time are very hard to explained , my excitement was in urge during that time . Theres no pressure I feel during that time but excitement to go home and see my dad , as my mom always come and visit me bringing food for me and asking how i am , what i feel thats what my first how feel important and feel the love of the mother that i always wanted to feel. I cant wait to go home and see the rest of family and relative to see my precious little human being.