Family

"...What do we do now..?" "I--.. really don't know, I'm sorry." "Don't blame yourself for this, Kitten. It's not your fault." "...But.. why does it feel like I am the one at fault?" Have you ever had that feeling that it was your fault despite these people telling you it wasn't your fault? That kind of feeling that upsets you so much. That kind of feeling that makes you feel so mad about yourself because.. you don't have any choice but to watch them leave? That... That kind of feeling where you badly want them to stay but when you want to speak up, your throat runs dry, and before you knew it, you were so helpless. So voiceless. That feeling... I know you know it all too well... That feeling of uselessness. It was upsetting, really. Not to mention, saddening. It was such a pain to the heart. It was that strange pain that you'd never be able to explain. That kind of pain that fades very slowly, and while it stays, it kills you even more. It was that kind of pain that would make you cry whenever you accidentally take a look at the pictures of you, and them. That was how that pain felt like. "Kitten." My train of thoughts were stopped after hearing two sets of voices calling out my name; Alien and Trixie. The two of them were looking at me with those eyes that said more words than their mouths could. Don't blame yourself anymore. "Come on, I'll take you and Trixie home." Alien held my hand, and he pulled me to my feet. And since I was tired to protest, I just stood up, and let him hold me hand all the way to Trixie's house. The walk there was silent. The silence was deafening, and yet, there were no topics for us to discuss. We were tired. I am tired. All I need was to get home and take a nap. Even though they've been telling me to not blame myself, I couldn't help but to do so. "Good night, Trixie." A hug was all Trixie could give me. I couldn't blame her for that, really. And, I don't really think I even deserve a hug from her right now. Not after what I did that caused everyone to leave. As I hugged back, she only tightened her grip on me, as if telling me to take it easy, to take a break from all the drama. I know she was concerned. But, just like me, she couldn't do a thing. She was also as helpless as me. But definitely more useful than I ever was. Her grip slowly loosened around my waist, and she looked at Alien with her eyes glinting with slight exhaustion, "Make sure to send her home safely, okay?" Alien nodded once. "Good night to you two." She shut the door firmly behind her, and we were left outside. Alien held my hand again, and he walked ahead of me. I followed suit. *** "Well, this is your stop." He looked me in the eyes, and he smiled. "Go to sleep after taking a quick bath. Don't stay up too late, you're already as tired as you look." He inched closer to me, and I was enveloped in a warm and sincere hug. "Don't worry about them, everything is going to be alright. Stop thinking about anything sad or negative, you need more rest than us." "You've been staying awake for days thinking about them.." He added and tightened his hug. "You don't have to worry about them; they can worry about themselves without you." And after that, he let go of me. He smiled again, and messed my hair (which was already messy beforehand). "Good night, Ruisse." I watched him disappear from my field of view, slight shock imprinted on my face. He seldom call my real name, so it was a little bit surprising for him to call me Ruisse. I smiled because of that, and walked inside the house. My parents questioned me not about why I was home later than expected. They just let me go up to my room to end another day. Not like they care about me or something. Besides, they already knew who I was with all day. It almost felt like they were even happier that I was out all day and not inside of the house doing nothing. They were happy because it was quieter without me in the house. As soon as I got inside my room, I plopped down on the bed and stared at the ceiling above me. I did that for about five minutes, thinking nothing other than them. About what was happening to me... To us. My attention darted from the ceiling to the other side of my room, to where multiple colorful pictures were scattered on the wall, along with pasted papers filled with inspiring and lovely letters from them. I sighed, and sat up on the bed, crossing my legs to get a better position. I stared at the pictures, even if they were sorta distant from my bed. We were so happy. It was as if problems never seemed to exist at that time, and nothing could ever replace the widest smiles on our faces. But of course... Those smiles were only photographs. They would always be just in the photographs. I didn't realize I was already crying. The hot and salty water that dripped out of my eyes were the only thing that reminded me of how much of a crybaby I've always been. And aside form not realizing that I was already crying, I also noticed that it was close to midnight. Alien might scold me again if I stayed up too late. I wiped my tears away and took a pair of comfortable pajamas and a semi-large t-shirt. I took a quick bath and slept all the pain away. Pain would fade, they said. But the date of it fading completely was still unknown. *** The next thing I knew was it was already morning. And it was already noisy downstairs, in the living room. Mom and Dad were awake, so were my older sister and younger brother. I could hear blasting music from my sister's room, and blasting gun shots and noises from my brother's room. I sat up slowly, and groaned. That sleep was restless, it didn't help as much. I removed the covers and stood before a mirror; the dark circles under my eyes stated that I was close to being a panda. "...Alien would be mad at me." I whispered to myself. Alien wasn't really his name, it's just a pet name my friends and I liked to call him since he really loves to discover everything about these foreign friend of ours that lived outside this rotting planet we call Earth. We don't call ourselves by our real name. We call ourselves by nicknames or pet names. Trixie? That wasn't her name. Her name was nowhere near Trixie. She was called that because she started calling me Felicia one time, and she addressed herself as Trixie. I smiled at the memory of us yelling inside the hideout, her yelling out 'BYE FELICIA' over and over while I yelled back 'SHUT UP TRIXIE NOBODY LIKES YOU'. I could still hear our happy laughter at the back of my mind. They all call me Kitten. Alien was the one who started the nickname Kitten, and then the others joined in. We all have weird names, but those were the reason why we were so close to each other. I looked at the picture of us. I didn't honestly think we'd end up this miserable--this broken. I didn't think that we'd reach this far to the point that we were forcing ourselves to forget each other. How did things ended up like this? Why as if we never practically met each other and bonded with each other? Why were we breaking and splitting apart? "SIS!" I flinched at the sound of my brother's voice from downstairs. "Go downstairs now, lunch is ready!" I was reverted back to reality when I heard my brother's voice. His name is Remi. He was the youngest among us three. The only boy and the loudest... also the most spoiled. He was always given a chance to grasp everything he wants and now look at him; he grew up as a bastard who wants to get everything he wanted the minute he needed it. Even when I tell this to my parents, nothing really changed. It just gets even worse. And in the end, I was still the problem child. But, uh, I don't really care about them anymore, not even the names the neighbors call me whenever I'm outside the house. Whether it be problem child or something else. It doesn't really feel like my biological family's still my real family. That was one of the reasons why I don't believe them when they say that families are biologically-related. Because, even if these people are related to me by blood, by genes, and by DNA, I still didn't feel like we were what they call a family. *** I waited for them to finish eating. And when they were all done, it was my turn to eat. I didn't really like the idea of us, the five of us eating together in one dining table. Because, y'know what they would always talk about. Your grades are so low, why don't you be like your sister? All you ever bring to this family is disgrace and embarrassment! Study! That's why you're never an honor student! They're your friends? Do you even know them? So, what's the point of having lunch together with all four of them when all they were going to talk about was how much of a problem and disgrace I was to them? What's the point if they were only going to gang up on me and make me feel even smaller and miserable? It has been a while since we last had our lunches and dinners and breakfasts together. How many years has it been? Four? Five? I couldn't remember, and I don't want to remember. I shook my head and cleared the thought. "Hey, that guy was calling for you." I looked at my older sister who was pointing a finger out to the front door, to where Alien was standing. He waved at me, and smiled. "Tch, get out of the house. It's messy when you're here. Now scram." I didn't say a word and walked out of the house, like what she wanted me to do. I met up with Alien outside the front yard, and he etched out a smile again, his bright brown eyes twinkling like a child receiving candies. "The usual." I told him with a sly smile. I walked ahead of him, and he followed behind, still not uttering a word. But after a few minutes, he asked, "So, how was your sleep?" "Didn't help. It was still as restless as any other sleeps I've had." I replied and walked to that same road we all used to go to; ah, it was that road to that place. "They said it's better if you don't go there." I stopped dead on my tracks after hearing what he had just said. I turned to him, an eyebrow arched in confusion. A pang of hurt stinging in my heart. "What did you say?" "Mom said that it's better if you don't go there today. We all know what you feel, so, she said that it's better if you don't see them for a while. You'll be wasting your time there, it's practically deserted." He said and stuffed his hands inside the pockets of his denim pants. He averted his gaze from my eyes to the trees towering above us, as if trying to listen to our conversation so that they'll have some gossip to tell to the birds and other animals who would look interested about it. "Then, why did you pick me up?" "We're not necessarily going there. Dad also said that I should take you to somewhere fun. Like the zoo or something. Leisure, seems like it." He flashed a smile, the brightest one he always pulled out when he's excited. I wonder how he could still smile that big despite the drama clouding over us. "Come on, I found a place you might like. It's beautiful there." He took my hand, and we walked towards the bus stop. "We just want to make you smile again."