Home Lane.

Past nightmares

Subconscious nightmares

Last night I dreamt that you were having s*x with my mother.

Yes, MY MOTHER.

Why?

Because I know you haven’t been doing it with me.

Last week you had a dream that I cheated on you? That I had s*x, with someone you couldn’t even remember.

Maybe that why we haven’t been doing it?

It’s crazy that after 8 years, our dreams still show us our subconscious insecurities.

That you still think I’m like your ex, and will cheat.. and I keep waiting for you to be like mine, that your facade will slip just like his did.

It doesn’t make sense, it’s been 8 years.

Is that not enough time for us to heal?

Are the wounds they made, that deep, that the scars are easily visible?

Maybe, we just have days where the memories flood our brains and so we burry them.. but our brains won’t let us forget.

Maybe we don’t have to forget, we just need to forgive.

I’m just not ready yet.

I want to forgive, but I cannot let go of the hate I have for them.

Dear EX’S

A, you were one before I found the one.

You lied and you cheated

You never admitted, to what

You actually did

You accused me

of being crazy, because how else would I

know what

You did at school, when we attended different ones?

I had a friend I knew

my ENTIRE life, that moved to

your town.

Who saw

you

around campus

kissing her

That’s how I knew.

It hurt more than I told you

Because it was HER

The same girl that N slept with

I felt like she had it out for me

It’s been 10 years since then.

N, you were the first boyfriend I had.

You used me

To try and get ahead.

What were you doing with someone so much younger?

I was 14 and you were 17.

A freshman and a junior.

You tried to get me to sleep with you.

I wasn’t ready and ran

I am so thankful I ran.

You hit me.

Just 2 times.

But when you rose your hand on the busy campus of our high school.

I knew

I knew you would have hit me, if the people didn’t stop to stare.

How dare you hit me?

How dare you make me think it was okay.

I still hate that I let you.

I found out you cheated, and claimed we were already done when you slept with her.

We weren’t

But we were after this.

We tried to stay friends, because

You wanted too.

I thought, okay?

We were close right?

I had a bad day, and told you about it

Like I did when we were together

I was naive, but I was also 14.

Your response was so cold

You told me to k*ll myself

That nobody would miss me

I cried every night for months over that.

You only confirmed what my brain was screaming.

I remember how you tried to hang out with my friends and I during lunch after that

Like it was normal?

Why didn’t I wonder where your friends were?

I guess that girl left you

Or you wanted us both

Because you

tried to kiss me

I laughed at you

I know you saw red.

But by this time

I figured out your game.

I didn’t want you.

You pretended to be sad

to relate to me

Used words I told you about how stuck

I felt.

I never admitted to my wrongs though.

I played you.

I made it seem like I could still be interested in you.

Until you wanted me back.

I wasn’t interested in dating you again.

I wanted my power back.

To laugh in your face like you did mine.

To have you feel the way I did

When hit me or told me to act in my su*cidal tendencies.

I wanted you to feel small

For once.

I’m sorry for that

It wasn’t right.

I was so full of anger I flip off your house when we would drive by it

I broke all your stuff

and made you come pick it all up

But when you tried to tell me

That if I didn’t be your girl again

That you would end yourself

I told you it would never happen

To take your own advice.

That’s when you stopped texting

Or following me around school.

When you went back to

your friends at lunch

You thought you could trick me again

But I was 15 by then

already planning my own

End.