Home Lane.

Empty arms

Night time thoughts

Being with you feels like a dream

Like a dream, so nice

and warm

and safe

Then I wake up

And

I am here.

You say you hate Halloween because I like to wear s**ty outfits

Well

Excuse me for having confidence

One time

A Year.

I ruined a holiday for you

that you never liked.

Well

you ruined it for me too.

Made me feel cheep

for wearing outfits that

made me feel good about myself.

Made me feel

like

I

was

sexy.

But those dream like times.

They make me forget all of this hurt.

The hurt we inflicted on each other.

Like the nights I help you

deal with your demons

called panic and anxiety.

Bring you water

a wet cloth for your chest

to help

relieve you

of pressure.

Holding you

as you ask if your dying,

and me

assuring you, that you are not.

Or the nights I sit crying

asking why my dad didn’t love me,

until it became convenient.

Those nights of kindness and love

help me forget how you didn’t send me sweet wishes for my first Mother’s Day

or how you get “blah” and don’t want to talk to me.

The days where we hug

and breathe each other in or cuddle at night with my head on your chest.

Listening to the beat of your heart.

Boom

Boom

BOOM.

But then it all come back

See, we don’t actually do that anymore.

No holding hands

Or kisses for me.

Not even when you leave.

No hugs, just empty arms.

Sometimes I stare at my ring

and I wonder

If you really meant to give it to me.

Then with my next breath

I think

I’m just hurt

and the dream

Begins

Again.