Home Lane.

Letters to you.

Baths always make me overthink.

I wonder what 16 year old me would say

if

she got to look at our life now

ask me about it.

What would I tell her?

Hey you, it’s me.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Yes.

We did marry him. Have his babies and yet still at our mom’s house. Don’t worry about that, I’m not worried… we will be out of here soon enough.

No.

We did not graduate college or become a teacher.

Yes.

We are happy regardless.

No.

We don’t talk to dad, him and mom finally split.

Yes.

We are so happy.

Our kids?

They’re amazing, we have a daughter and a son.

They love you.

I see it in your eyes, the sadness.

I promise it will go away.

Put down the pills

PUT DOWN THE WINE.

Come talk to me, ask anything else.

What do you want to know about our kids?

Everything?

They’re perfect.

Loud

Funny

Brave

Curious

Happy

Yes. You should meet them.

No.

They wouldn’t understand if you let the thoughts win.

I know, it does sound like a dream.

I promise it’s not.

If you don’t wake up, I won’t exist.

They

Won’t

Exist.

Please.

Put down the pills

PUT DOWN THE WINE.

I can see it in your eyes,

The sadness.

Can you see it in mine?

The happiness?

I promise the weight of your pain will lift.

That’s a good idea.

Pour it all down the sink.

Yes!

FLUSH THOSE PILLS.

I am proud of you.

You’re excited for my life?

I am too.

Hey you, or should I say

Hey…Us

Or me?

Learning to breathe, one day at a time.

I can’t breathe.

Step over the dirty diaper and the worn pants that should be in the hamper.

Push aside with my foot the toy dinosaurs that look at me with empty plastic eyes.

The room is smaller.

The toys and clothes blur together.

Must get air.

Pick up the dirty diaper, in the trash it goes.

One ragged breath.

Toss the Dino’s in their basket.

One shaky breath.

Pick up the worn clothes, put them in the hamper.

Put away the rest of the toys, fold the laundry, put it away. Hang what is left.

One deep breath.

Vacuum the floor.

Hug my baby.

Hug my big girl.

Get them dressed, do their hair.

Play with them.

Feed them.

Wash the dishes

Clean the mess.

Take her to school

Come home.

Change diapers

Play

Pick her up

Cook Dinner

Give baths

Pjs for them.

When did my breathing normalize?

Go to sleep.

Do it again.