Hazel's Perception: What I Know Now

What I Know Now (Part 4)

Frank was barely alive. Morgan, at first, suggested we toss him out of the truck. I was like, “Whoaaa!!! This chick is f*****g crazy, bro!” She literally wanted to throw a dying person out on the street. I mean, I thought about it. Even with tears in my eyes, I considered the idea, but we decided not to because of what he did for you. Morgan was ready to dip out altogether, but I wouldn’t allow her to leave me alone with it all. Especially after watching my boyfriend get murdered.  

We agreed on taking him to the hospital. Along the way, Rosetta called me all flustered and whatnot. As if I wasn’t going through enough. My guess is they arrived home and saw the mess left behind when Tony’s guys messed up their house. I only heard about it after everything went down. I explained all that I could to her before realizing I had arrived at the hospital. You may never know this, but if Morgan and I hadn’t stopped to consider letting Frank out and drive off, he would still be alive. It’s because of me that Frank died when he could have survived. It was never on you, but how could either of us tell you something like that? 

Rosetta was on speaker when we arrived at the hospital. Frank had a few last words for you before he, you know, perished. What he said is different from what you think he said. His last words weren’t, “No more last goodbyes.” Frank’s final words were actually, “Run away, Blu.” Morgan and I looked at one another and realized something. Each of us wanted the same thing for you and would have given everything to make sure you were safe. You were our beacon of hope--our light. That’s when each of us decided to live and figure ourselves out. 

 You truly loved me, and I couldn’t bear losing you again. Truthfully, I would’ve gladly given my life for yours. I would’ve done anything to make sure you stayed alive, just like you did for me—you i***t. The reason why I’m so distant now isn’t because of what happened that night. In fact, that night opened my eyes. The truth? The truth is, I hate you. I don’t hate you because of your life, and I’m not mad at you. I hate you for making me fall in love with you and allowing these feelings to build up inside of me all these years. 

What the hell am I supposed to do with these feelings, Anthony? How am I supposed to stop loving you the only way I know how? I’ve spent most of my life with this--wanting to be with you, wanting to marry you. How am I supposed to let all of that go when I only just found out the truth? That’s why I hate you. It’s because I love you so much. 

Right now, I’m trying to be just your sister and your friend, but it’s not what I truly want, and I hate myself for it. I feel disgusted for even thinking about it. That’s why I stay away. I want to be able to find myself again. I want to be able to stand next to you without thinking about kissing you. Being around you isn’t good for me, and I can’t tell you about it. This secret is not meant to protect you. It’s intended to protect me.

After everything that went down, I knew what I wanted. It came to me in a vision. I went to Charles’s place, unannounced.

“Hazel?” he said confusingly.

“I don’t know what I’m doing here exactly,” I said, “...but I know I’m supposed to be here, and this is exactly where I want to be.”

That moment was the beginning of a different story to be told. Me and Charles? Hazel and Gray? Along the way, he and I became everything I dreamed, yet everything I never expected. Thanks to you, I finally found myself and a home to lay my heart. 

One day, Blu, I promise I will come back to you. I, Hazel Condoleece Princeton, at this moment, renounce my last promise. I will forever hold you in my heart and love you until my dying breath. I have to go on this journey to find myself. I need to figure out where I stand. Trust that it is because of your strength and your love that I’m even here today. I will never abandon you. Give me time to be me. Give me time to be free, so your love does not burden me.

One day, you will understand that this was the only way to let go and move forward. You are where you are now, and you’re safe. That’s what matters. We each have an opportunity to reinvent ourselves and redefine the word “love.” I don’t know when I’ll be able to tell you this in person. What I do know is that I’m grateful for even getting the chance to be a part of you. You are Anthony “Blu” Rogers. You are my knight and my brother. Thank you, brother, for being all that you are. It’s time I find my light. That is what I know now.