Hazel's Perception: What I Know Now

What I Know Now (Part 3)

After a while, you and I became friends again. Even Rose and I had gotten close. The experiences I shared with you and your friends, who then became my friends, were terrific. Some of them were also scary. You almost died again, Blu. That’s when I knew things were bad. No one clued me in on anything, so I had no idea about Frank or anything else. You and Frank didn’t go as far back as you and I. The world thinks he was your first friend. As much as it hurts to be lied to and out of the loop, I finally understand why. 

Do you remember how simple it was with the three of us. I’m not talking about you, me, and Frank. I’m talking about you, me, and our old friend Teddy. His cousin Tisha was somewhat a part of our little group, but not really. She was frickin’ huge and always picked on you two. It’s funny to think about how Teddy’s cousin and I were like you and Tyler when you first met. She was a b***h, for real, but I know she only acted that way because she liked you, which is why we clashed at times. You wouldn’t have known that. Sadly, they moved away without notice. This was all before my dad became a big time lawyer.

I only bring that part of the past up because I know how close you and Teddy were. When they left, it was just us, but we never had to worry about anything except to have fun and for you to avoid Fatty T, which was funny as hell to watch. Soon after, Frank came around, and it just wasn’t the same. 

It’s terrifying knowing that people want to hurt you. To keep me out of the crosshairs, you let me believe nothing was happening behind the curtains even though I still wanted to take a peak. I hate that I did. There’s a lot of things I wish I didn’t see or know. I’m a teenage girl with a curious mind, so what did you expect? 

Before that mess with Frank happened, I think that day at Hell’s Beach was when I started to accept that you and I weren’t destined. I saw you and Rose together. You didn’t know the way she looked at you the entire time we were there. She had the same look I had when looking at you, and just like me, she couldn’t do a thing about it. Uncertain of the moment Rosetta realized she was in love with you, she hated you being with Morgan. Maybe for the same reasons as I. Maybe not.

The most annoying thing about that day was Tyler’s persistence in getting me to be his. Yeah, that was never going to happen. Charles, on the other hand, was a lot more “interesting.” We never really spoke until that day. He’s such a weird guy, but he’s also kind-hearted and gentle. There was an odd attraction to him, but I never acted on those undetermined feelings. I don’t know what happened between you two, but I stopped seeing him around as much. Figured it was for a reason. Possibly the apparent feelings he held for Morgan. Could’ve been Charles was more aware of the dangers before me. Oh, well. 

Over time, you and I grew closer, yet we were still so far apart. Your tint of gray turned into the darkest of grays. No matter what Rose or I did, your light wouldn’t shine. I had no clue what kind of mess you were into, but I blamed Morgan for it all. The drugs, drinking, and recklessness all started when she came into your life. What would’ve happened if she didn’t? Though I blamed her, I couldn’t hate her. If not for her and Charles, you would have surely been alone. Then what would you have done? Would you even be here? Would you even be alive? That’s what I think about every day, so what would’ve been the better option? I suppose Morgan was a blessing and a curse.

Time went on, per usual. Do you remember the time you caught Rose and I smoking your weed in the shed? Rose busted in just as you were telling me the truth. I was high, but I wasn’t dumb. We all panicked, and I ran, but you two stayed behind. She didn’t want me to know something. I caught onto that right away. I may not have known what it was for sure, but I began putting two and two together. It took me back to the time when we were kids. We vowed never to keep secrets, but that was all we did from the moment I fell in love with you. Maybe if I had said something to you then, we would’ve-- The same thoughts just keep appearing and reappearing in my head, and I can’t stop it.

It was your birthday party when the truth became believable, though I had an idea already. After I overheard the argument between you and Morgan, I didn’t know what to do. You told me again and again, and I just wouldn’t believe you. To avoid ruining the party, I put on that fake smile I wore so gallantly and calmly stepped away to my parent’s room.  I sat there on their bed and stared at the floor. My mind filled less about my feelings for you and more about my mom and dad’s lies. 

It all began to make so much sense, including why they told me to stay away from you and your family. They blamed you for what my mom and your dad did. It was neither of our faults, yet I felt you and I were being punished. It became clear why you kept me at arm’s length. Secrets like that one hurt like hell, and you were just trying to keep me from that pain. All the years, I thought you never loved me when, in reality, you never stopped. I never lost you. That is why it hurt the way it did.

Rose came into the room not long after me. The moment I looked at her, the pain flooded in, and the tears poured out. She rushed to hold me while asking me what’s wrong. I told her as the tears streamed out, “I’m in love with my brother.” To have to admit that truth to the girl who is also in love with you was tragic. She said and did nothing but continue to hold me. She knew I figured it out and knew I had feelings for you because I told her long before that day. What use was it to ask her why she allowed me to look stupid all that time? I deserved it, right? Maybe it was karma or something. I don’t know.

The tear flow didn’t last long. There was a party going on, so it was essential to keep it as full of life and joy as possible. After fixing my makeup, I stepped out with Rosetta. Just as I did, Morgan spotted me and walked over. She asked to speak to me. Rose walked away to allow us a private moment. She said to me, “I only acted a fool because I was jealous. In hindsight, I’m glad you two have each other. He needs you.” 

She walked away after those words. What she said made me feel good. Great even. A real smile formed, and it grew larger once I saw you and Rose side by side. We all danced together, and the good times were rolling. I felt it best to confront you later about it. My parents, however, was a totally different story.

They came home after a couple’s thing the next morning. I waited with a shattered heart, ready to vent out my anger. The scenario played out in my head of what I would say to them and you. Once the door opened, I couldn’t hold back.

“Is Anthony my brother?” I asked. “Joseph’s my dad? Don’t lie to me anymore.”

“Wha-- Where did you hear such nonsense?” mom replied.

“Alissa, don’t,” dad responded, “No more lies. Just tell her the truth for crying out loud.”

“Yeah, tell me the truth.”

Mom didn’t want to tell me anything and made excuses. My dad interjected, and that turned into an entirely different argument between the two. The answer was clear. I only wanted to hear them say it. That’s all. 

“Can you two just stop your damn fighting and tell me the truth?!” I yelled angrily. 

“Watch how you talk to us, young lady,” said dad.

“Then, just tell me! I already know it’s true. I just need you to say it. Just say it.”

Mom still refused to say anything, but dad decided just to let it all spill out. He told me everything, and mom wasn’t happy. It seemed like my dad had wanted to say it for a long time just by how unbothered he was by it. Since the truth was out, the fake smiles were no more. My parents weren’t as happily married as they made themselves out to be. They only stayed married for me. 

My dad mentioned divorce papers and all. Another hell-storm of an argument brewed, and all the secrets came to light. At some point in the fight, I remember my dad asked my mom why she lied to him about her affair rather than just leaving or being honest. Her response to him was, 

“I was ashamed!”

“Ashamed?” I questioned. “You were ashamed, so you lied to us?”

“I had enough of this,” mom said as she felt the pressure, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“Well, I’m not done!”

“Watch your tone! Do NOT get cross with me!”

“Maybe if you had “crossed” your legs, I wouldn’t have to!”

“What did you just say, you little b***h?!”

Mom got so angry that she raised a hand at me. Just before she was able to strike, my dad stopped her. We all yelled ferociously at one another. It was a complete madhouse. It got even worse when I called my mother a slut by accident. It just came out unexpectedly, and she slapped the taste right out of my mouth. Made me bite my tongue. Mom got all in my face screaming and yelling some more, but she did admit to it all. Dad just gave up and walked away. Obviously, I was grounded, but my parents were always busy and gone, trying to avoid one another, so what did it matter? After that day, they barely noticed me. I finally understood what secrets could do to you mentally. It sucks.

I spent a long time thinking about it. Whenever I thought about bringing it up to you, I couldn’t speak. Whenever we’d hang out, I grew angrier. Not at you, but myself. The news about me and you were still so fresh that I couldn’t refrain from getting lost in your eyes. That’s why one day, I’m so close to you, and the next, I become distant. It became way too hard to resist you. Even with you being with Rose, I couldn’t control my feelings around you.

When I confronted you that day in the treehouse, please understand that I wasn’t mad at you. As I said earlier, I was angry at myself for the most disappointing reason. It goes all the way up to the day I met Noah. He was the bad boy-- someone I needed to silence the madness, distract me from my feelings for you, and piss off my parents.

Noah was the smooth-talking, drug-dealing, pretty-boy type that caught my eye one day. He drove a fancy car, wore a lot of jewelry, had tattoos on both forearms, and a freshly lined cut with soft wavy hair. He was eighteen. I was fifteen. I approached Noah in a flirtatious manner, complimenting his fancy sports car. He sure did like to brag about it. Noah did flirt back. More like a tease as if he knew he could have me, which he could’ve. Because of my age, he never made a move. Didn’t stop me from wanting him to. I tried to convince him to take me out for a ride in his car.   

     “That’s how I know you’re young,” he said, “Quick to hop into a stranger’s whip.”

“I may be young, but I’m not a child,” I responded, “Besides, I’m good at reading people.”

“Are you now?”

“Mhm. I sure am.”

“Aight, shorty. Then tell me something.”

“Okay. I can tell you right now that you really want to take me for a ride.”

I was standing so close to him with a confident smile. One of his homeboys came out of the store. It was Xavier. A lot less attractive. Dark, tall, rugged, gang tattoos, and just plain mean.

“Yo, get that b***h out of here, bro. We got s**t to do,” said Xavier’s stupid ass. 

“Excuse me! Who are you calling a b***h, b***h?!” I replied.

“I’m talking to you, ho! Now get gone!”

He and I continued yelling at one another. I hate that guy. I hope he rots. Noah stepped in and defended me while laughing as if anything about it was funny. I was ready to smack the both of them, but the smooth talker complimented me and asked for my number. My mood changed as I obliged. The sweet-talk made it too easy, but he had his charm. 

Times with Noah were pleasant at first. He spoiled me quite a bit and was the perfect gentleman. There were times when I thought about giving myself to him, but whenever I built the courage to make a move, I couldn’t. You’d always pop in my head. I ever imagined my first time would be with you. 

Deep down, I knew he was trouble. Just didn’t know he was trouble for you as well, and you were probably thinking I ghosted you. I was only trying to experience something new with someone else. I wasn’t wrong for doing it. Noah just wasn’t the right guy. 

Something changed after a while. There was a lot of pent up anger inside of him. There was a time when we were just finishing up our dinner date, and Noah received a phone call just as we entered his car. The date went well before then. I don’t know who the call came from, but he was definitely upset about something. Once he got in the car, I only asked if he was OK before being told to shut up. You know how much I hate being told to shut up, so I went in on his ass. Noah blew up at me and nearly backhanded me but stopped himself as I flinched. That was the only time it happened. I took a taxi home and stopped talking to him after that. 

Day-after-day, Noah would text and call me repeatedly apologizing for what he’d done. After spending so much time with you, Sherrie, and Michael, I saw you again--the old you. The one that I fell for so long ago. Those feelings were coming back even then, and I hated it, so I gave Noah another chance to get over you. I never wanted you to know that or him. If I told you, you would have surely got in my face or searched for him. I thought that because of what I’ve seen you do whenever you got mad. You lose yourself, and that terrifies me even more. However, I did tell you, and I was relieved when you said you didn’t know Noah. I needed that from you. 

There was something else I forgot to mention. It was how I knew I got involved with the wrong crowd. Morgan was around. We all thought she skipped town after what you all been through with that drug guy, but she stayed. There was a reason behind it, but I assume she told you. Maybe not.

Noah and I had plans that day I mentioned him to you. You and I got into a stupid argument, and I said some things. Things I meant, but the intent wasn’t to harm you. With everything going on in your life, some of us got dragged into it. It was our choice, but I’m sure none of us had any idea what we were choosing before the choices were made. Secrets can really change one’s future, and I only hoped to get my life back on track with you involved.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I went to see Noah that day at what I thought was his house. Morgan, Xavier, and even Charles were there. I’ve never been so confused about anything, and they were just as surprised. 

“What is she doing here?” asked Morgan to Noah. “She shouldn’t be here.”

“She’s with me,” Noah responded.

“Yeah, don’t even sweat that broad, bae,” said Xavier, “...go and cut that s**t up.”

The “s**t” Xavier was referring to were the lines of cocaine on the glass coffee table. My mind wondered what it was she was thinking. “Isn’t she pregnant?” I thought to myself. Charles was just sitting there, trying to ignore everything that was going. I was with him on that one. Charles and I both were feeling a bit out of place. I believe that he was only there because Morgan dragged him there, but he was not happy.

Noah joined the coke-sniffing contest with his “friends.” I sat with Charles to keep him company as I wanted nothing to do with what the others had going on. The first thing he said to me was, “You should leave while you can.” I asked him why he said that, and he told me it wasn’t the place I wanted to be, and that none of them were good guys. I immediately became nervous and thought about leaving.

Noah, Morgan, and Xavier were drinking and getting high together. Neither Charles nor I wanted to partake. 

“I think I should go,” I said.

“You ain’t going nowhere,” said Xavier.

“Come on. Let the princess go,” replied Morgan. “Her bougie ass don't need to be here anyway. She’ll only just ruin the fun.”

A large part of me felt as if Morgan was trying to get me to leave to protect me somehow. A small detail that I chose to listen to. Once I caught wind of that, I urged Noah to take me home. “You ain’t going nowhere,” said Xavier, “...the fun just getting started.” Noah and Xavier both smiled at one another, but not Morgan or Charles.

“Okay, I think she’s had enough fun for the day,” said Charles, “Just take her home.”

“You shut yo b***h ass up!” exclaimed Xavier. Something is really wrong with that guy. I damn near wanted to slit his throat. I tried to defend Charles and only got chewed out some more by that dirty bastard, Xavier. Noah said and did nothing, but Charles returned the respect by trying to defend me. That only revved Xavier up even more to the point of rage. Morgan just so happened to be the mediator and calmed his ass down slightly with flirts and rubbing on his private area. It was a nasty sight.

Charles had enough. Again, I don’t know if it was due to Morgan’s flirting with another guy, Xavier’s disrespect, or just being sick of it all. Charles asked me if I wanted to go with him. I looked at Noah, then at Morgan, expecting someone to say something. No one said a thing. Charles then said it was best I leave with him. That time, I really wanted to go as I was already feeling extremely uncomfortable and nervous. It was more than that, though. It was the way he looked at me. I knew I’d be safe with him. It was also the first time I could look at someone else and not think of you. It all started at Hell’s Beach. Charles was…I’m not sure what he was. I know my ass should have left with him when I had the chance, but I didn’t. I was afraid to go, honestly. Why? I don’t know. It could be because I’ve seen Noah’s rage, and I’ve seen Xavier’s urge to hurt people. 

I wanted to leave with Charles, but, how could I have known what was coming next? Charles was gone, and everyone else laughed and insulted him. The next thing I heard was, “Yo, let’s go somewhere else. s**t dead here, fam.” Those words came from Xavier, of course. I don’t understand why Noah brought me to such a place and chose not to say or do anything. It was awful. He wasn’t a man at all.

  You know what happened next. Almost dying at the cemetery was the worst possible thing. I had no idea what was to come, but I should’ve figured it out the moment I saw Morgan. While they were all enjoying themselves, I kept my distance from the group. Strangely enough, Morgan walked with me, at first.

“What are we doing here?” I asked her.

“The real question is, what are you doing here? You should’ve left.”

“You’re right, I should’ve...but why is it so important I do?”

“You really are dense. I shouldn’t even have to answer that.”

Morgan was right. I knew the answer long before asking the question. It still didn’t explain why we were at a cemetery. As creepy as it was there, it was nice having someone to talk with. She didn’t treat me like a b***h at that time. Instead, she opened up to me a little. Meaning, we spoke about you.

“I heard you and Blu talking that day.”

“So then, you know?”

“Yeah. I know everything. What I don’t know is what happened to you.”

I pointed to her stomach to show I was referring to the pregnancy.

“The baby’s gone,” she said, “Tony, he--

“It’s OK. You don’t have to say it.”

“The baby was Anthony’s. I let him think it was someone else’s because I knew he would give up everything to run away with someone he didn’t truly love. That baby became the reason I got back into the game. I needed money to escape, but s**t got f****d, and now they won’t let me.”

“Who won’t let you?”

“You need to get out of here, Hazel.”

Our conversation got interrupted by Xavier’s loud mouth, yelling for Morgan. Noah then came to me, trying to apologize for not standing up for me. If you were me, you could see that maybe Noah was a bit afraid of Xavier. It made sense, but what the hell? Noah was on the phone again, talking to someone. “The job done,” he said, “Get ready.” Morgan and I never finished, but when she mentioned how “they” wouldn’t allow her to leave, I knew I was in a lot of trouble, which meant things weren’t going to be right for you.

I realized at that moment, the mistake I made. That’s when you appeared with a gun held to Frank’s head. Right then, I knew. I knew the real reason why they brought me to that cemetery and why you were there.

You were so quick to give your life for mine. Why? Why put your life at risk for me? The answer became clear as day.

I noticed you weren’t just fighting for me. You were fighting for you as well. 

You told me to run and get help, but I saw what you were doing. I know you wanted to shoot Noah. I can tell you wanted it to be over even when you felt it never would. Morgan, who ran off somewhere, came back. She did something only she and Rose could ever do. She brought you back. That’s when the real fight began, and I’m not talking about your one-on-one with Noah. I’m talking about the battle within yourself--the light versus the dark. Astounded and both terrified, I knew you would prevail and overcome, and so you did.

Noah lost his will to fight just as he lost the battle to the darkness, which consumed him. Not you, though. There was no way you would lose. It was painful to watch him beg for you to kill him, but we all knew. You’re not a killer. You never were, nor could you ever be. The real terror began shortly after. 

Xavier shot Noah point-blank in the head. It was hard to shift my eyes away as I froze there. Bullets flew everywhere while you were urging me to drive away and leave you behind. I hated you made me do it. I get that Frank was injured, but it was you, Anthony. You! That feeling like you was going to die that night was the worst feeling I’d ever felt. 

Morgan and I were in panic mode and didn’t know what the hell to do. We were yelling back and forth and crying the entire time. Frank was yelling with us up to a point. We hadn’t noticed him fading away, and by that time, we were in an even worse state. Neither of us knew what to do or who to call. What I’m about to tell you is a secret I am supposed to take to the grave.