Hazel's Perception: What I Know Now

What I Know Now (Part 2)

Days had gone by, yet we didn’t speak. I never bothered to ask my friends what happened at my party. Only pretended it never happened at all. Yes, I was miserable and sad. More importantly, I was afraid. Afraid of apologizing and telling you how I truly felt. Fearful of letting you know how deeply in love with you I was, and losing what I’d gained if I did. I should have told you before the “cool kids” noticed me.

You suddenly became friends with Tyler and Rosetta. It was I who was jealous. For days I would sit on top of my bed going through that box of memories. Eventually, I stopped looking as it only reminded me of the pain I caused and what I lost. 

The fame wasn’t worth the price, but you were moving on, so there was no turning back. I watched you from the shadows. During that time, I joined the cheerleading squad. I noticed your smile had returned, and that made me happy. I was moving on and regaining my smile, but something in my heart was still missing. A void that only you could fill.

You remember that song you wrote for me? I carried it with me every day. It was neatly folded and placed inside one of the books I never read. One day, you and I accidentally bumped into one another in the hallway, which caused me to drop my books. It seems we were both running late for class. The paper with your song fell out, yet you were unaware that it was yours. Our eyes locked onto one another. It was so hard to look away from those gorgeous brown eyes. 

You and I both apologized as you helped me pick everything up. What a nervous wreck I was. It was as if I was meeting you for the first time. You felt the same way, I could tell. To make the situation less awkward, I wished you an excellent walk to class. I sounded like a damn loser and was embarrassed. You said thanks and did the unexpected. You offered to walk me to class, and I don’t think I smiled so hard in my life. My heart raced with joy and excitement, though I kept my composure. You allowed me to wrap my arm around yours as we proceeded to walk. You still had that warmth that I missed. 

We stopped next to the classroom. While a smile remained on my face, I looked you in the eyes again. Then at your lips. You have no idea how badly I wanted to kiss those lips. I even felt myself beginning to lean in. Would you have let me if I tried? 

“Okay, well...have a good one,” you said.

“Yeah, um… You, too. Thanks for walking me to class,” I responded.

I guess I’ll never know if you would have or not. Knowing what I know now, I suppose it’s a good thing. The only thing on my mind the entirety of that day was you. So much so that everything around me was blocked out. Time went on as I remained within the depths of my mind.

I hadn’t seen you for the remainder of that day, but I couldn’t stop smiling. 

When I got home, my parents were arguing about something. I ignored it and went on my merry way. I laid in bed, happy and hopeful. You still had shirts in my room that smelled like you. Call me weird if you want, but I sniffed one and became lost in an ocean of bliss. Something was wrong with me.

The arguing from my parents grew louder. I didn’t know it then, but now I am confident that day was when my dad found out about my mom’s affair—something I should have realized. I just didn’t care enough to bother with their business as I was happy again. At least, for the moment.

My dad called for me. When I went to see what he wanted, he said something I didn’t quite grasp the context of. As my mom was in tears, my dad yelled at me to tell me not to bring you back around. Not only that, but he told me to stay away from you and your family. “That family is bad news,” he said. I pleaded for a better explanation, but only got yelled at some more. “Just do what your dad says and don’t argue sweety,” said my mom. I know my parents. I could argue, yell, scream, throw a tantrum, whatever. They would never listen to me, so I didn’t do either of those things. They walked away, and I left it alone.

The next day, I went from thinking solely about you to thinking about what my parents said. I became miserable once again. How was I going to tell you I could no longer be around you? Not like we were spending time together that much anymore anyway. 

I remember standing at my locker, lost in thought. Again, I looked at the song you wrote to me. I read it in your voice and made a decision. I didn’t care what my parents said. I didn’t care about being popular or Stephen. I wanted a life with you, and I felt that deep within the core of my very being. I ran--as fast as I could, I ran. I chose you, Blu. I promise I did. That’s when I saw you walking alongside your friends and thought about it. 

You were happy, so what would’ve happened if I decided just to enter your life? After everything and after all that time, how would I speak to you and confess my love? How was I going to fit in with your friends, and more? I wanted it to be just us. I didn’t like to share my time with anyone else. It would not have been fair to take what you had only just gained because that’s the type of person I used to be. 

I had lost my chance of having anything with you—happiness in your smile, joy in your eyes, a heart full of love. The tears in my eyes weren’t only from a broken heart, but happiness. Believe it or not, Blu. You’re still my best friend. If only I’d known then what I know now. 

Time went on and on. The more it did, the less I thought of you. There was nothing to be said on either side. You had your life, and I had mine. Weeks and weeks passed. Then it became years. Three years to be exact.

It was our Sophomore year at Maywood High. You had grown so tall, and your hair was so long. Did you notice me at all? Did you see how much I’d grown as well? We were no longer kids, yet you still made my heart beat faster with just a look. I never got over you entirely, but I kept my distance as always. That’s when I heard about it. 

“Did you hear about loser boy?” said Josephine.

“Loser boy?” I asked.

“You know—your old flame. I forget his name. Orange? Yellow? Rainbow or some shit.”

“You mean Blu. You know his name.”

“Yeah. That guy. Word around town is he got shot yesterday. They said it was gang-related.”

“I heard he died or something,” said Donnie.

At first, I thought they were full of s**t and just being their usual selves. Then they assured me it was the truth, so I had to find out for myself. I ran into Rosetta in the girl’s bathroom at school. She, too, had grown and developed into something so beautiful that I felt intimidated by her. While I didn’t notice that I was staring at her drop-dead gorgeous looks, she gave me the stank face and began walking away. I didn’t know how to speak to her or what to say. I looked at her with the intent of asking her about you, but I couldn’t get the words out. She could tell what I was thinking. “He’s in a coma, but he’s alive,” she said. “You should go see him.” 

It was true, after all. You were lying in the hospital, and all I could think about was seeing you and holding your hand just in case it was the last time. I was shaken up and couldn’t move. The thought of possibly never seeing you again scared the living life out of me. It became so hard to breathe. Even harder to refrain from crying. It was so bad that I ran right out of school without a word. 

I called my mother immediately to pick me up. She panicked at the sound of my panic and wasted no time. I couldn’t tell her about you until after I broke down in her arms. I begged her to take me to you. It didn’t matter how broken up I was; she refused. I hated her for it, but I wasn’t going to stop trying. I took the bus. I ran into that hospital, urged the nurse to tell me where you were, and hopped on that elevator to the fourth floor, and there I stood—two feet from your room.

I was frozen and asked myself, “Why am I here? Do I deserve to be here? Do I have the right to cry these tears and feel this pain?” You were lying there nearly dead, and still, I only thought of me. I couldn’t find the courage to walk in, so I turned away. The moment I did, I saw your friends. I hid in the room next to yours to avoid confrontation. Once they passed, I rushed out and ran away. What a coward I was. 

As soon as I arrived home, I ignored everyone and went to my room. I was so angry at myself. My heart was in so much pain that it was unbearable. I screamed, yelled, and trashed my entire room. I think most of it was guilt.

My parents came rushing in to calm me down. I didn’t want to be touched, but I needed the hugs as I balled my eyes out uncontrollably. My pain was unimaginable, so I could only imagine how you felt, especially after losing your brother. I didn’t even bother to talk to you then. What had I become?

Days later, on my way to my locker, I saw your friends. Avoiding any eye contact, I casually walked by them. Rose followed me to my locker before I realized it. “I know you were there,” she said to me. With no indication of what she was talking about, I asked her. 

“Where is it you think I was exactly?”

“Don’t play dumb. You were there at the hospital the other day.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“No? So you didn’t go see your former friend as he clung on to life?”

“What do you want me to say, Rosetta?”

“I knew it. I could smell your perfume in the halls, but it wasn’t lingering in his room. Did you even bother to see him?” 

I’m sure the look on my face made it clear that I didn’t. Rosetta shook her head with an expression of disgust and disappointment, which she had every right. That’s when she told me. 

“He woke up today. I’m guessing you won’t be there today either. Good. You shouldn’t.” Before I could form a word, Rose cut me off. I stammered a bit, but when I heard that you woke up, I swear I forgot how to breathe for a moment. The relief was something else. She was right, though. I felt I had no business being by your side. Knowing you were alive was enough.

My birthday was coming up again. My excitement hadn’t been the same since the seventh grade. However, I was in a good mood. I was there when you pulled up in your dad’s Camaro. I’m shocked no one called the cops on your ass. You were so damn reckless but alive. 

While everyone else focused on the car, my eyes fixated on you. I may not have gone to see you or speak to you, but I didn’t want to miss the chance again. I was beyond nervous to talk to you, but I built the confidence to say hi. Your eyes didn’t seem like they were angry with me. It also seemed you were just as nervous as me. Only you couldn’t hide it. We didn’t talk long, but the need for you to know I was glad you were OK was necessary. I missed you, Blu. You have no idea. If only I could’ve told you sooner.

Throughout the day, my friends and I tried to figure out where to throw me a party. We couldn’t do it at either of our houses because of specific reasons. Everyone wanted to get drunk and high, and we needed a change in venue. Lunch came around, and Josephine heard you mention you had the house to yourself. “I have an idea,” she said. I knew what Josephine was trying to do, and I couldn’t stop her. She’s so persistent and pushy. All I could do was sit there and smile. Truthfully, a part of me hoped you’d say yes. I just wanted to see you.

Though I’m sure you said no, Josy claimed you said it was OK, so we went to your house anyway. We danced and talked. It felt like old times, and I loved every moment spent with you. We reminisced so much. It’d been so long since we laughed together. All of a sudden, your smile slowly faded, and you were no longer enjoying yourself. You said words that made my heart race like it always had. You told me you missed me. I cannot show you what those words meant to me, though I wished you never said it. I missed you, too. More than you will ever know. That’s why I had to stay away. 

Talking with you, re-lit the flame inside me, and I couldn’t allow myself to fall for you. I didn’t speak to you again after that day. Soon after, everyone around town heard the news. Your parents were wanted for murder. I couldn’t believe it. Why did everything shitty have to happen to you? 

I remember how everyone picked on you, including us Heads. Even your friends were against you, which I didn’t understand. What were their reasons, I wonder? I’d say it’s inexcusable, but who am I to talk? I did it to you first.

Everyone treated you like trash, and it was disgusting. When Stephen and the guys hurt you, I wanted to step in and stop them. Why didn’t I, though? I felt powerless and hopeless, yet you stood up firm. Then you did something incredibly stupid but so awesome! The way you made everyone tumble and trip over one another was hilarious. It made everyone laugh. I was so proud of you for standing up for yourself. Sadly, that joy only lasted the moment. 

Everyone still made school hard for you. That is until you met “her.” Morgan Taylor, the girl of mysteries. I never liked her. Mostly from envy, but also because I didn’t trust her. She was a bit too mysterious, and something seemed off. Soon after, you met her friend Charles and you three became inseparable so much that you stopped showing up to school a lot of the time. You were changing, Blu, and not in the right way. I didn’t know if it was Morgan or everyone else.

Christmas was coming around. My friends and I were discussing our plans for the break. A trip to my grandparent’s log cabin for some family time was mine. On the last day of school before the break, I saw you entering behind Rosetta and Tyler. They still weren’t talking to you. I could tell by the way you rushed past them. I know I didn’t have the right, but those guys were pissing me off so much that I decided to confront them. It was impulsive, but who gives a s**t?

“What the hell is wrong with you dumbasses?!” I shouted, “Why are you still treating him like s**t? He did nothing to you!”

“Look who's talking, little miss royalty,” Tyler responded, “Get out my face with that shit.”

Tyler and Rosetta began to walk away from me before I was done talking.

“Look here, you d**k! I know what I did, and I can’t take it back, but don’t you dare think I wouldn’t if I could. You’re supposed to be his friends! Do you have any idea how hurt he might be? How could you--

“Just mind your own f*****g business, Hazel!” exclaimed Rosetta as Tyler continued walking away, “Why’d you wait so long to care anyway?”

“I always cared, Rose. Always!”

The water began to rise in my eyes before they started to fall down my face.

“Then why aren’t you with him instead of wasting my time, b***h!? Go back to your rich friends.” She started walking away again.

“Rose!” I yelled. “I know you love him. Why are you pretending you don’t? After what you said to me before about not seeing him when he woke up in the hospital. When did you become me?”

What I said made her pause, but she couldn’t turn to face me. I knew our exchange in words made an impact. That was proven when you guys showed up at school after the break. You two were talking and laughing again. Not as much as before, but still. I’m not sure if it was the realization of her repeating my mistake or her love for you, but you’re welcome.

The few times I did see you, I witnessed you regain the ability to smile. However, it wasn’t your real smile. Not the one I remember. No. That one didn’t shine as bright. Instead, it was full of pain and distrust, though you may not believe that. You probably thought you were happy, but you weren’t. Do you know how I know? Because I’ve seen your happiness and touched your heart. Because I love you and felt your love run through me. I knew if one day you’d given me a chance, I would show you. I’d love you as if it was the last day, every day. That brings us to Valentine’s Day.

I found out that morning about my mom’s affair. My parents said they needed to speak to me about something. They said it was time I knew the truth as I was old enough to understand. My parents told me everything but the name of my biological father. I don’t know why. Could’ve been to make sure I’d stay away from you. Could’ve been other reasons. Maybe it was the same reason you didn’t tell me. If I had known who I was then, I would have probably been in the same shitty situations as you. I’m sorry you had to carry the burden alone. Even when I treated you the way I did, you never stopped protecting me.

When you came to me on the stairs, I was so distraught. The fact that you skipped class to be there for me made me feel connected to you in a way I never thought. My heart still longed for you. Once I caught wind of that, I panicked and ran off after kissing your cheek impulsively. I couldn’t stop smiling. What is it about you that causes these things to happen to me? Anyway, my domestic issues were of no concern right then. At least, not at that moment. 

I ran because I had this super crazy idea that would’ve hopefully put me back in your good graces. To the best of my belief, you and Morgan weren’t together. I was just unaware. I thought, “Maybe this is my chance. My chance to make it right.” The first place I ran to was to Stephen to break up with him. What’s funny is after telling him it was over, he made sure to let me know about him and Josy. He never loved or cared for me one bit. Not like you did. Oddly enough, I was glad it happened. That was the day I was no longer a Head. I was just me and free to be me. Screw status! It’s so overrated.

Rushing to find you, I accidentally walked into Morgan. She reacted as if she just touched a bug and was disgusted. Clearly, I was the bug. She hasn't been very kind to me since the beginning. I never understood why, though. You deserve much better.

“I’m so sorry, Morgan,” I said

“Just watch where you’re going, your highness,” she responded with sarcasm as she walked away.

“Hey, wait!”

“What now, princess?”

“Have you seen Blu around?”

“What do you want with him?” she asked defensively. 

“Just to talk. That’s all.”

“What could you possibly have to say to him?”

“Nothing. Can you just tell him I’m looking for him, and that I said ‘thanks?’”

“Yeah...sure.”

I don’t know if she ever told you, but you never came to find me. Of course, it was dumb to run off like that, but it wasn’t what you must’ve thought. The plan was to break up with dumbass then ask you to be my valentine. I couldn’t do that while still carrying the burden that is my ex. Not only did I screw up my chance again, but I was lonely and single. V-Day was officially the worst holiday ever.

It wasn’t long after that dreadful day when the worst of things came to pass. Your parents were dead. The way I found out was most unexpected. It was Rosetta who told me about it. I think I knew even before you did. According to her, no one knew how to inform you. You were already so damaged from everything, so I wondered how that news would have affected you.

The moment Rosetta told me about the whole ordeal, it became a new turning point for us. There was no clear understanding of why she bothered to tell me at all, let alone advise me to be there. “I know it would mean a lot to Blu if you’re there,” said Rosetta, “I’m sure it’ll mean a lot for you, too.” Did she already know about my feelings for you, or did she know our connection before either of us? So many questions with little to no answers. 

I told my mom about your parents. She seemed slightly pained by the news herself. I thought it was for your sake, but now I know it wasn’t. I knew Rosetta was right about me showing up. I jumped down her throat about you, but I wasn’t there for you at any of your life’s worst times. Though hesitant, I swallowed my pride and made sure I wouldn’t miss the opportunity. I wanted you back, Blu. Not only that, but I wanted us together always. I was finally ready to show you how dedicated I was to love you the way I meant to in the beginning. 

I was so nervous about seeing you that my body wouldn’t stop trembling. It took me a minute to gain the courage to get out of the car. Looking at you was both exciting and painful. You looked nothing like yourself. You had this tint of gray, and your light was a bit dim. I expected to see Morgan there beside you, but she wasn’t. For selfish reasons, I felt it was for the best. It was a surprise to see you didn’t send me away or try to avoid me altogether. Instead, you let me be close to you. I thank you for that.

You know what happened after that. The most embarrassing kiss that I can’t seem to forget. Your lips were so soft. Clearly, it was disastrous for you, but for me, time stood still, and fireworks went off. To think about it now makes my skin tingle while the butterflies in my stomach fluttered again, which is neither good nor bad. That alone makes it bad. 

You must’ve thought I was crazy. At that time, you knew about us. If only I’d known then. If I did, I wouldn’t have tried to do it again at the camp. Though you did tell me the truth before then, I didn’t believe you, and that’s on me. I’m glad I kissed you that day. Only because it’d been so long since we laughed together. That’s when I made it my sole mission to get back our friendship.