Postmidnight Thoughts

utterly f****d (part two)

Summer was almost over. In a few days, the weather would eventually turn from dry, scratchy humid to the wet, sloshy kind that filled people's sneakers with mud. The sweltering heat was expected to make way for the cool, damp breeze, making people huddle close together and share heat.

But Jude's head was not transitioning to cool and calm. Instead, his was turning into an inferno, blazing and hot. It spewed hot lava like an angry, erupting volcano, the deluge surging angrily from the back of his neck to the hollow cavity of his ribcage.

He yelled.

"You're being stupid!"

"No, you don't get it, Jude!" Zach spat out in response. "This is my dream! I can't pull my punches now!"

"I do get it, you moron!" Jude shouted in reply. "You want to drop out of college against your parents' wishes to do what, exactly? To play sing-along?!"

Zach’s face contorted into one of extreme offense.

"Shut up!" he cried, grabbing his hair in an attempt to pull it off his scalp. "Don't you dare make fun of this!"

"Dude, I'm not making fun of it! I'm just telling it like it is! You're not thinking clearly right now!"

"Argh! I thought you'd understand! But you're just like them!"

Jude barked out a short and mocking laugh.

"Well, if by 'like them' you mean that I care about your future, then yes! I am like them."

"Ugh! You're such a—f**k you!"

"Is 'f**k you' your entire counterargument? If yes, then you can leave my room now."

"Fine!” he responded, throwing his hands in the air. “I'm leaving! And if this thing goes well, don't even think that I'll call you up once I'm famous."

"With that attitude? I'd rather not be associated with you!"

"f**k you!"

"Get out, brat!"

Zach stomped off toward the door. Jude followed close by with a shorter but equally angry gait.

As soon as his younger visitor was out of the room, Jude slammed the door as harshly as he could, and it closed with a bang. The doorframe shook upon collision. The impact was so strong, one or two of his robot figurines clatter to the floor. Jude didn’t care.

Still fuming, Jude groaned as he threw himself onto his bed. He buried his face in his pillow and bellowed into it.

“Aaaarghhhh!”

That i***t.

Jude had a million words in his vocabulary to describe the subject of his anger, but his mind was so consumed by frustration that he could only yell. That freaking i***t. Zach might be the most attractive human being he had ever seen, but that didn't stop the man from being stupidly infuriating at times.

He quit college. Zachary Motherfucking Villena did not enroll for the second semester because some record label waved a contract in his face with the promise of stardom. The dumbass. i***t. Jude could lecture him for hours about the impracticality of the matter, but Zach stopped it short with his stubbornness. Well, two could play at that game.

Jude didn’t meet up with Zach after that. He avoided every place they might meet and blocked Zach from his phone. They didn’t talk after their argument, and Jude thought that was for the best. He was fine with that.

Fast forward to the beginning of the semester, Jude didn't see him at the university anymore. He happened to pass by the Architecture Department only to see that not even his shadow was there. A little later, Jaz, one of their NO SEE crewmates, told Jude he had quit the group to go full-time in show business.

Jude was honestly happy for Zach; a part of him knew the young man belonged onstage. He had been to a few of Zach’s gigs, and he could tell the young man’s talent was on another level. But the larger, more rational, adult part of him didn't quite get the impulsivity that made Zach drop everything to be a singer.

Jude didn't think it was practical. The whole world knew how hard it is to thrive in such a competitive industry. Not everyone made it. And even if they did, it took even more effort to stay there. Jude knew that the only way for people to have a stable music career is if they were exceptionally talented.

Much to his surprise, however, 'Zach'—just Zach as his stage name; he wanted to be mysterious by dropping the 'Villena'—was exceptionally talented. Only a few weeks after the semester started, he became somewhat of a hot sensation. People were into his songs. His debut single was played in every major radio station. Zach's television and radio guesting became a regular thing. He had dropped a ballad single which became a hit among casual listeners. In the next few months, Zach had even been invited to numerous music shows, and his handful of fans became a hundred, a thousand until they established a battalion of their own.

‘Surprised’ was an understatement. Jude couldn’t wrap his head around the feat Zach had accomplished. Zach started from the bottom of the litter but was now clawing his way up. Sure, he had a long way to go before he got to where he wanted, but he was getting there slowly.

Jude had forgotten how driven and passionate Zach was about his dream. If only he remembered, he wouldn't have yelled at Zach so much and believed in him a little more. There was a little bit of pain in his chest as he remembered Zach's expression when they fought. He looked so betrayed. They may have only known each other for a few months, but they were good friends. And good friends were supportive of each other. Jude realized he could have been that good friend that Zach needed.

But it was probably too late. They fought and, as quickly as their friendship came, it went. Jude guessed it was a little consolation that they fell apart before he was in too deep. Maybe it was for the best. He wouldn’t belong in that world, anyway. The young star was probably having the time of his life, forgetting that at one point he had met someone by the name of Jude Marius Asis.

That was why it was a surprise when Jude arrived in his dorm room late at night, and Zach was sitting in front of his door, head on his knees.

Jude stopped dead in the hallway. He stared. He didn't know how he knew it was Zach, but as soon as he saw the hunched figure in front of the door, he was sure. Zach just sat there, quiet, with two large bags beside him. Far from expectation, he did not look like he was having the time of his life.

It took a few minutes for Jude to approach him. Walking forward, he paused just two steps from the man who managed to look like the human version of a kicked puppy.

"You're blocking my door," Jude said.

Slower than how time felt right then, Zach craned his head. Loose strands of hair fell on his face, making a curtain over his eyes as he looked up. His face was flushed red even in the dim light, like he'd drunk one too many. And his eyes were hooded and unfocused.

"Jude?"

"Surprised to know you still remember my name."

Zach averted his gaze and hung his head again. His jaw clenched. Just when Jude thought he’d become paralyzed, his shoulders started to shake, like tiny earthquakes that made his hunched form tremble.

A whimper escaped his mouth and he sniffed.

"I shouldn't have come here," he said, his voice breaking. He hurried to get up and picked up his bags.

Jude grabbed his arm just before he could walk away. He sighed.

"Fine.” Jude groaned. He couldn’t stand seeing him like that. “Talk. What happened?"

Zach's head slowly turned to him. As he stared, the loss and brokenness in his dark brown irises pierced Jude's soul. Pain and confusion marred Zach's handsome features. 

It hurt.

Like f*****g hell.

Jude tightened his grip on the other's arm, concern replacing the frown he wore.

"Dude... You okay?"

Zach shook his head, his face scrunching up into a beautiful-ugly frown as he welled up in tears. And he simply said, “No.”

He started shaking again, and Jude held him by the shoulders. Zach whimpered at the contact.

Worried and frantic, Jude slung both his arms around Zach to pull him into a comforting hug and pat his back. Zach let himself be taken into Jude's hug, resting his forehead on the other's shoulders. The grip he had on Jude’s shirt was tight—as if it was all he could do to keep himself from breaking down.

The scent of cheap liquor was strong from the crying man. Jude could never stand the smell, and he had never drunk more than a can. But the way it mixed with the hypnotizing scent of Zach's cologne made Jude breathe it in like air. The fragrance lingered under his nose, sending a warmth coursing through his veins. It made him calm enough to begin comforting his friend.

"Hey, hey... Shhh... Stop crying, you sound like a wailing ghost," Jude said when Zach stopped holding back his keening cries. Zach bawled even more, and Jude added, "Geez, man. Are you, like, five? Stop crying."

"f**k you," Zach said in a deep whisper. Only then did Jude realize how close they had become.

The warmth in his body pulsed wildly. He had to pull pulled away from the embrace. 

"Your five-minute hug is over. Are you okay to give me an explanation now?"

Zach gave a short chuckle. It sounded like victory in Jude's ears.

He smiled, too.

The other man took a deep breath and, looking down at his sneakers, said, "I ran away from home."

"What?!"

"I knew you'd react like that."

"Seriously, what?"

Zach pouted.

"My parents found out I didn't enroll this semester..." He started, his breath thick with the smell of beer. His words slurred, tongue folding over itself. "I wanted to tell them later but... they found out and we fought."

"You mean your parents aren't aware that you dropped out?!"

"No... I told them I would try to juggle singing and studying but—look, I know I made the right decision but... they don't understand."

Jude heaved a sigh and ran his hand through his hair. He didn't understand, either. And it didn't help his brain that it was late in the evening, he was tired, and for some reason seeing Zach like that made him feel things he'd rather not deal with at the moment.

But when Jude took one look at the young man, his priorities quickly shifted. With Zach like that, all he wanted was to make sure this stupid singer was okay.

"So you hauled your ass and your entire wardrobe from your house to my tiny dorm room?"

Zach looked away. "I stopped to get a few drinks on the way."

"More than a few, obviously. How long have you been waiting here?"

"A few minutes? An hour?"

Jude shook his head.

"Dude, don't you have other friends who have bigger houses? Or like, a girlfriend? I don't know..."

"I do... But... I wanted... to see you..." Zach said tentatively. "You're the only one I can trust with these things."

"And you think that's gonna make me forgive you for your parting words last time?"

Zach looked down, quiet. He looked like a child being scolded. It was as adorable as it was sad.

"Ugh, fine. Fine!" Jude said, throwing his hands in the air. "But you're sleeping on the airbed and you're gonna look for a room to rent tomorrow, alright?"

The grin on Zach’s face was indescribable.

"Thanks, Jude."

Two words. Only two words. They fought over two words and it was strangely ironic that they made up over two words, too. 

But it was almost unfair that it took Zach less and less effort to make Jude fall deeper and deeper.

It began as a crush, Jude knew. Like that adoration and worship he had for all things robotic. But in the split second that Zach gave him that smile, the pure warmth grew into a tingling heat that demanded release, and Jude felt himself being pulled into a new kind of want. He wanted to protect Zach. He wanted to make sure all his dreams came true. He wanted to never see his tears again.

And he wanted him close. Oh, so close, like how they were in his postmidnight dreams. Just the two of them stripped of all unnecessary pretention. Just them in each other's company and sharing body, heart, and soul. 

Jude wanted... and he didn't know how to quell that burning want.

"Hey, Zach, the bathroom's free to use," Jude said as soon as he got out of the bathroom.

He took his time in the shower to cool down. There were so many thoughts running in his mind, and Jude needed to be calm and collected given the predicament he was in. Having a crush on Zach was one thing; sleeping in one room with him until further notice was another. Not even Jude with his social intelligence could figure out how to properly behave in that situation. He wasn’t sure if he could hide his desires when the young man was so dangerously unaware of how he affects Jude.

And he’s so clueless, Jude thought when he saw his visitor.

Zach, the i***t, was lying on Jude's bed like it was his. Comfortably splayed over the mattress, he had not even changed out of his outdoor clothes and was already deep in his slumber. His chest rose and fell as he breathed, peaceful in that temporary reprieve. It was like his entire episode earlier that night didn’t happen. He just lay there, relaxed, vulnerable.

Jude approached him, sitting on the floor beside the narrow bed. He watched. Zach's eyes were puffy with how much he had cried. There was a red tinge around them from how much he rubbed and wiped the tears that escaped. And his lips had cracked, probably dehydrated from crying.

He looked like his age then, a man who had just turned twenty. In his most unguarded state, Jude could see his entire story on his face. He looked gaunt with deep shadows in his eyes. Zach apparently started getting a little overworked with everything he was trying to accomplish. The added stress of his family issues was getting to him. Maybe it was because he was drunk, but once he started talking, Zach just spilled everything and the dam broke; both because of how stressed he was and how uncool he felt as he was bawling his eyes out.

Jude reached out a hand to gently trace the dark circles under his eyes. But Zach's eyes remained beautiful. As Jude leaned in closer, he could see how deep they were set, how perfectly round the shape was, how long the lashes lining his eyelids were.

Jude leaned in even closer. His heart was starting to beat louder with just how close he was letting himself get. But just a little more. He planted his hand on the wall next to his bed and hovered just above the other man's face. 

Zach breathed out in his sleep. His lips parted slightly, inviting. It was as if he was testing how fragile Jude's self-control was.

And it was fragile.

Jude leaned in further, a mere breath away. There was only a sliver of space between their lips, and Jude was so tempted to just close the gap. He licked his lips to wet them. He felt his veins pulse with fire that made him burn with desire.

How easy it would be to just plant a kiss on those lips. How easy to lose control and give his tension some sort of release. Jude could do it. It would be easier than taking a robot apart. As Jude breathed, he was already imagining how soft those lips would feel against his, how they would taste, and if he could ever let them go once they were locked in his.

But... Jude probably wouldn't want to let them go. His self-control was more fragile than his resolve. If he kissed Zach now, he would probably need more and more until the growing want and hunger in him were completely satisfied. He would need more than just a kiss. He would need... to touch.

Reining in his desires, Jude leaned back, massaging his temple. If he was f****d before, he was utterly f****d now.

And in a different sense, he wanted to be. Quite literally. He swallowed the fire scorching his throat and sighed.

Shit. He needed someone. Well, that escalated quickly. It had been a while since he had been aroused enough to actually look for another person's warmth. Apparently, Zach was a trigger he didn't know he had to watch out for. How unfair that Zach could bring down his defenses, unknowingly, even if he was just lying there asleep.

Jude hung his head and resigned. He needed to go. He needed to get out before doing something he would regret. Instead of crawling over the airbed, Jude changed into a simple black button-up and a pair of slacks. Then, he went out of his room just before the devil's hour.

It was halfway across the city where Jude found another soul like his. A soul that wanted the same thing as he did. A substitute. A distraction. Anything that could appease his inner pining even for a night. It wasn't the first time; he knew it certainly wouldn't be the last, either. He should have known he was already doomed from the day Zach had told him he needed him. Now the man was back in his life, and it was like he never left. Jude didn't think he could stay away even if he tried.

But that night, Jude decided to tread lightly. He kept Zach close, but not too close. Just enough to be by his side, but distant enough for Zach to be oblivious about things Jude didn't want him to know.

Jude’s hunger for the younger’s presence grew still, over the weeks, months, and years. And with his hunger came his hope. That maybe… But that wasn’t possible. Zach wasn’t like him.

And Jude thought to himself, what a pitiful arrangement he found himself to be in.