ReWritten

Chapter 6

Chapter 6

“We missed you at finals,” he offered slowly, gauging his distance and speed to the real reason he called.

“We?”

He drew in a long breath. “I…I missed you.” He paused, letting the wheels work through all he felt and all he needed to share. “I miss you still.”

A silence hung in the air. He let it linger, knowing she needed the time to gather her thoughts, ponder all his possible motives for calling. She appreciated the comfortable stillness that hung over the line. For her, it had been years since she had reveled in any type of quiet.

“Michael came up a few weeks ago, he didn’t even know you were at home” he drawled on making small talk until he found the courage to bring up the questions that had been keeping him up at nights. “He helped us move, Tracy and I and Sawyer. I’ve told you about Sawyer, haven’t I?”

“Yeah,” she spoke as if on auto-pilot, saying just enough to keep him talking, drawing her into the sound of his voice. “Your high school buddy, right?”

“Right,” his voice lingered. She wondered how it was that useless conversation could be so healing. With every word he spoke, the gushing wound encompassing her heart started to clot and scab. It was slow and bothersome, but she knew how much she needed it. “He’s transferring and Mike’s moving in August.” He was dancing around the point, but Nev let him fidget. It was pure selfishness that she let him fumble on, but she could not draw herself away from his voice. “Why didn’t you tell him you were home? He was upset with himself for not coming over to check on you.”

It hurt her to know that the others worried about her so, but at least the pain was a feeling. “It’s all right,” she spoke honestly, “I probably wouldn’t have answered the door anyway.”

“You know, Tracy’s just down the hall. She’s storing your things from the dorm room.” There was a sorrow in his voice that rang within her eardrums, reverberating inside her mind.

Tracy had been her roommate that first year of school. This summer, nine years ago, they had moved into the apartment together. Now, Tracy was simply living with the stuff that reminded her of the shadow that was her best friend. “Thanks.”

Another silence stretched across the line. Nevaeh thought she felt more tension in this one. Jay’s breath grew short and rapid. He began to speak once but stopped himself before she could discern the first sound. “I’m glad you called, Jay.” She broke the silence. When she was whole, she had dreamed of becoming reunited with him. She desperately wanted him to come, sweeping her off her feet, to free her from the grasp of Dave; and from herself. Now…now it was all different.

“I want to see you,” he spat it out, eager to free it from his lips before his confidence waned again.

“I’m not well, Jay,” she let out a sigh, allowing the tears to slip silently down her cheeks. “I’m not who you remember me as.”

“Doesn’t matter,” he spoke in soft, honest tones. “People change all the time. I got time to get to know you again.”

She wanted to say yes. She wanted to feel like her father’s gift hadn’t been wasted on her. She didn’t want to stay in this basement, but ultimately, she wouldn’t leave Ava behind. “I can’t,” she decided.

“Alright, I’ll ask again tomorrow.” There was a smile in his voice. Nev could almost imagine it creeping across his face, sinking in his dimples on either side.

“Ok,” she smiled back, “good luck.”

That night she dreamt of Ava and the swing. She woke up crying, sweat beading off her forehead. Climbing out of bed she stripped the sheets from it and dropped them on the floor. Everything was the same, but she was confused. Wandering to the linen closet, she replayed it in her head trying to weed out the source of her confusion, but every detail was exactly the same. Sliding and stretching the sheets over the bed, she realized what bothered her so much about her nightmare. It was twilight and the stars were just starting to flicker against the dusky sky. Confused and tired, she dropped back onto the dry bed, falling into a deep and dreamless sleep.

The last June morning crept into Nevaeh’s room, reaching its tendrils of light across the floor and slowly stole up the sides of her bed.  Twisting sideways across the surface, Nev hung her head over the edge allowing it to rush upon her face, warming her cheeks and painting her eyelids orange.  Sunshine spread across her bed as she lay sprawled across the surface like a cat bathing in the warmth.  For many weeks now, she had slept right through the morning and into mid afternoon.  It was refreshing for her to watch as the rest of the world arose.  She had only dreamt of Ava twice in the last week of June, but both times she felt the constants of the dream changed around her.  The time of day was set later and later. Nothing went dark right after Ava disappeared because it already was. Still, it went silent, and the silence still breathed, but until then the wind did more than whisper, It spoke, My Darling,  over and over again; her Dad, the changed, dead one, kept calling her to remember something.  It had baffled her so much that it began to scare her less.

She had discovered something else, that week, peace. Jay had called daily and with every passing discussion, Nev found herself yearning for the next one. The slow, low lilt of his voice reverberated within, helping her find the comfort she so desperately needed. His words always came calculated, as if he had painstakingly chosen each one especially for her. The thought he put into every sentence slowed their dialog considerably, but Nevaeh didn’t care. She enjoyed the length at which they could talk about everything, yet nothing at the same time. At moments, she knew that even if he babbled incoherently, she would still let his sound seep into her infected heart. For it was still wounded, sick, but she had come to realize that it might always be, but Jay provided a peace that made her believe she could go on in this re-life, even if she could never be healed.

Her stomach growled. It started deep as a low rumble and, gaining speed, gurgled upwards towards her throat. Nana always brought lunch and dinner down to her even if Nev didn’t eat. Sometimes she would pick at carrots or push the rice around with her fork but truthfully, she became numb the second her eyes saw that dirty cream carpet almost two months ago. To feel hunger, to feel anything only confirmed the possibility that she could indeed go on. Climbing out of bed, she slid her slippers over her feet and padded through the basement. Nevaeh stood at the foot of the stairs, her eyes lifted to the heavy white door. Her legs grew weak.

Nev plotted a course in her mind, one she would finish once she started and not deviate from. Gingerly, she raised a foot onto the first step and began her slow ascent. With the door handle firmly in her grasp, she glanced back at her progress. Perhaps re-entering the world would not be as hard as she thought…

“Well look who finally decided to grace us with her presence. Finally crawled out of the cave, huh?” Her father spoke from a chair pulled up to the tiny kitchen table. He was chewing loudly at the granola cereal in his agape mouth, not even bothering to glance up from the morning paper.

Perhaps it would be.

She shrugged and rolled her eyes. A loaf of bread caught her attention at the other side of the kitchen, so she wandered over. Pulling out two pieces, she popped them in the toaster and slid the handle down. “Alright,” he began again, this time lowering the paper and lifting his eyes. “I’ll begin again…good morning, Nev.” His tone dripped with sarcasm. It screeched across her eardrums like nails on a chalkboard.

“Morning,” she stated simply. She turned her back to him, blankly staring at the toaster, watching the coils inside turn red hot.

Her father groaned and she took a deep breath in, waiting for the “such a disappointment” speech. “You’re not the only one that’s hurting here,” he began, stating the obvious. She immediately thought of Nana and Jay, what they sacrificed to help her and how they must worry. Sometimes, for their sake she wished she could just be happy. “You know, I’ve lived on cereal like, all summer. I can’t get your mom to cook a decent meal or clean my house. She just drags around all night worrying about you.”

Of course…why had that really come as a surprise? He was not worried about mom, or her, or anyone else. He was, in fact, stressed that his meals had come to a jolting halt. It irritated Nev more in re-life than it had the first time around. When she awoke to find her father alive, she was absolutely thrilled. But quickly she came to realize he was still four months away from his diagnosis, the event, according to Nana, that changed his entire countenance. If she had wanted to really bond with him, for the first time in her life, she was going to have to wait.

“It’s like I’ve lost my very own wife,” he was droning on, but Nev phased out. “If you had only listened to me in the first place, you wouldn’t be causing everyone else so much pain. When are you gonna wise up and take my advice?”

And there it was. Somehow she knew he would bring it all back to himself and all the extreme wisdom he felt was so underappreciated. Ugh. It was easy to understand how her excitement quickly dissipated. Once again this miraculous gift of hers had let her down. She had traveled too far back. She felt as if she had been cast straight back into the flames she thought she had escaped so many years ago. “When it actually sounds as sage as you think it does.” It came tumbling out of her mouth before she knew she was speaking.

His fist came down hard on the table. The bowl jumped and the spoon dropped from his hand. “Of all the disrespectful…” The toaster clicked off, popping Nev’s breakfast upwards through the slots. The sound startled them both and cut him off, mid-sentence. He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing angrily in his throat. Nevaeh grabbed the toast and headed for the door. She didn’t wait for him to resume his comment. Quickly she opened the basement door and disappeared below.

She stood at the top step, with her hand on the door knob. Listening intently, she waited for the hasty shuffle through the kitchen. Dad would not let this go, he would have the last word; it was his nature. Her ears twitched at the sound of the kitchen chair scraping against linoleum. Heavy steps thudded towards the sink but stopped abruptly. Nev heard a deep groan and the clatter of his dirty dishes hitting the floor. His steps froze as he gasped in muffled agony. Nev listened carefully to what she thought were tiny cries of pain. Guardedly, she opened the door and poked her head around the corner.

“Dad?” Nervousness replaced her anger as she watched him sink to the floor, clutching his back.

“It’s nothing darling,” he tried to wave her down, but there was no fooling her. She knew better than anyone else it was definitely not nothing.

“It doesn’t look like nothing.how long has your back been hurting?” She was at his side instantaneously.

“Oh, I don’t know,” he breathed in sharply as another wave of pain washed over him. “It comes and goes. Wait…” he brushed her hands from him as she tried to help him to his feet. “Just wait till it passes.”

Instead, she stooped to pick up his dishes and made her way to the sink, silently rinsing them off. When she turned he was already up, stretching gingerly before heading down the hall.

“Dad!” She called out to him but he was already out the front door. She heard a car door slam and the engine sputter to life.

The house was empty. Nevaeh’s head was spinning. She hadn’t been around during the early days of his illness, well, during any of his illness actually, and she had never thought to ask how long he had been experiencing symptoms before Mom had finally talked him into getting checked out. Could it be he had been suffering long before her break-up with Alec and she never took the time to notice?

After breakfast, Nev spent the rest of the day in the upper part of the house. She tried her hand at being “normal,” flipping through the television stations, reading the newspaper, and watching the people mull past on the sidewalk outside. At times she found herself pulled into the activities outside, various kids and dogs or kids on bikes, couples out for an afternoon walk, and exercise enthusiasts on daily runs. Other times she felt as if it were all a meaningless waste of time. Would anything so simple ever hold that type of joy for her again? She thought of the boxes of craft supplies she had pulled out of the closet, searching for her lock box, in the days when her search for Ava was fresh and new. Her mind could not recall what she had left here the year she went to college, but somewhere hidden beneath her pain she could admit there was a curiosity to see what she could find. To see if she could, in fact, create again.

Downstairs, she pulled out the boxes from behind the curtained doorway and spread their contents out on the floor. There were scraps of fabric, buttons and beads. Thread, every color of the rainbow was arranged neatly in one, however, she noticed a distinct lack of needles. Bows and ribbons spilled out of a coffee can at the bottom of one box. She picked up a dainty piece of lace and ran it through her thumb and forefinger. Lifting it up to eye level she stretched it out to its full length, letting the ideas whisper to her. She wrapped it around her finger, pressing the end tightly against her palm and then released it, letting it furiously unwind and drop to the floor. Letting it lay, she moved back into the depths of the closet and pulled out a final box. A treasure trove of gel pens, glitter pens, fabric and paint markers, permanent markers and colored pencils had been thrown recklessly into this final box. She turned it over on herself and let them pelt her legs as they tumbled to the floor. Smiling, she ran her fingers through the mountain of art supplies. She had forgotten how much she loved color. Recalling the days when she would visit the paint store with her mother just to collect the sample swaths, Nev wondered if she could still find them stashed somewhere in her room. She had never planned on doing anything with them, but she simply loved to look at them.

Pens and pencils jolted, creating a tiny hued avalanche when she jumped at the sound of the phone. She slid herself out from under the supplies and darted to the receiver Nana had recently moved to the basement family room. “Hello,” she answered, out of breath. Even in this fresh, young body, Nev was surprised by how quickly she tired. Her mental estate was starting to take its toll on her physical health.

“Hey,” came the gentle, familiar voice on the other end.

“Jay,” she sighed his name from her lips. Today she felt she was finally ready to open up her heart.

“You sound,” he stopped, backtracking. “Your sorrow has changed.” He wasn’t asking, he had observed a change in her just from the way she spoke his name.

“What do you mean?” She asked just to goad him into speaking more. She loved listening to the sound of his voice.

He waited, formulating his thoughts, dragging out the silence. “You sound different,” he finally finished his original statement.

“I feel different.” She did. Although she wasn’t sure whether it was better or not, it was change. “Maybe things are going back to the same old thing. I had an argument with Dad today.”

She paused there, waiting for him to reply, but he never did. She could hear his breath on the other end of the line, but there were no words. How did he always know when she wasn’t quite finished? “I guess, not the same old thing,” she continued. “He was different. He backed down...well kinda. But the point is, it didn’t escalate.”

“Why not?”

Hmmm...why not indeed. The thought of him getting sick fluttered to the tip of her tongue but she swallowed it, not sure how she could impress upon Jay it’s importance without sounding insane. “I think something is changing in him, or maybe me?” She chose to cloak herself in a vague blanket statement instead.

“Something good?”

“Yeah, something good.”

“But not so good that it overshadows your sorrow?” She could practically see his head c****d to one side, the gears inside it turning in wonder. “Tell me, Nev...for real, why are you so damn sad?” He cursed as tenderly as she had ever heard anyone curse. It would have been ridiculous had it not been so incredibly heart-felt.

Because I was murdered by my boyfriend, traveled nine years into the past, and erased my daughter from existence, Jay...that’s why.  Nev wanted someone, anyone to be in on this secret of hers, but surely, she would sound crazy, just as much as when she thought of explaining to him she knew her father would get cancer in 4 months...or that he might actually already have it. Jay would never believe her.

“Have you ever lost something no one ever knew you even had?” she asked him cryptically. “Something so precious that you could never,” she faltered, tears clogging her throat, “...that you could never …” She tried again but the tears overcame her.

“...be whole again,” he finished for her, his own voice heavy with grief. “And you try to reach out time and time again, but no matter who you talk to they could never truly understand the gravity of your grief because they never knew what they were missing in the first place.” His words completed her thought so beautifully, so perfectly accurate. “Yeah, I have.”

“What did you do?” Her voice cracked, and she stopped trying to hide the tears. “How did you move on...or get it back...or let it go?”

He stayed silent, not for dramatic effect, but because it is what he does. “I found another.”

She puzzled over that, “another what?”

“Reason,” he paused again. Normally he was never so timid with his words. Though he never rambled, he could be long-winded, letting his sound wash over her, soothing her soul. Nev thought it was because he somehow knew that his voice was a balm to her healing heart.

“To love?” she guessed.

“Sure, to love, to laugh, to smile...to live. Whatever you need another reason for.”

“Oh.” They fell into another silence, both lost in their own thoughts, their own grief; trying to find their own reasons. If Ava was hers, and hers alone, it made sense to Nev that she would have to find another reason by herself, as well.

Nev. I could…” Jay paused but not, this time, for thought or effect. Nev could hear the tension in his voice. It startled her. He had never sounded less comforting. “May I help you find your reason?” his voice quivered.

Maybe not all by herself. “Yes.”

“I want to see you,” he spoke, cueing the end of their conversation. His tone was light again.

“I can’t,” she said, almost out of diligence. It was the first time she truly thought it might be a lie.

“Alright, I’ll ask again tomorrow.” His voice was smiling again.

“OK. Good luck.” Nev smiled and hung up the phone.