ReWritten

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Nevaeh sat the next morning in her ’97 Pontiac Sunbird, knuckles glistening white atop the steering wheel as it zipped down the highway. She had awoken that morning with a courage she never knew she had and decided to make use of it before it waned. Jay didn’t even know she was coming, for she feared that even the time wasted on a telephone call would talk her out of it. Even though her mind hadn't driven this stretch of road in years, her body drove it only a few months ago, and so she let her fingers guide her back to school. Meanwhile her mind raced about, trying to put together all the tiny details of her life nine years ago, meddling through what had changed and what had stayed the same.

She could always count on the simple things being strikingly similar. Michael was still coming to school in August. His brown hair would still curl tightly about his scalp and his eyes would still smile at her. Her roommate, Tracy Jo Portman, was still short compared to Nev’s 5’10” frame. She probably still spiked her blonde hair to appear taller. And despite her small stature, Nev guessed she hadn’t tamed that fiery attitude or stubborn streak

It was what had changed that made Nevaeh’s stomach churn. In her first life, she had come back to school immediately, disheveled by heartbreak, not once but twice. The two men she had deemed most important in her short 19 years had rejected her, leaving her abandoned and utterly alone. The freshness of her wounds left her searching for any love that would make her feel worthy, and on her quest she had alienated Jay, breaking all bonds of friendship.

Secretly, Nev was excited to rekindle her friendship with Jay. Many times, after their late night conversations, she would feel guilty for smiling and laughing with him, knowing that she had caused her daughter to be blinked from existence. This new, raw pain unsettled her. It was the old heartache of Alec that skewed her decision making so poorly in her first life. How would this new heartbreak affect her? Today she had to find out. The city came into view as she crested the last hill of the Flint Hills and as it grew larger through her windshield, she decided that, if only for a day, she would let herself be joyful.

Nev slipped into a parking stall at the top of the hill after patrolling the lots that would accept her pass. The campus was void of the life that teemed throughout the school year. The streets and sidewalks were deserted and the parking lots were abandoned save for the half dozen USD vans parked throughout the weeks for various High School camps. Popping the trunk, she wandered to the back, dragging her fingers along the white paint job. She had forgotten how much she liked this car, and missed it after Dave wrecked it. It was nothing fancy, in fact it still sported a tape deck where newer vehicles laid claim to a CD player, but it was the first thing she could truly call hers. It was not bought with Daddy's money or handed down from her older sister or given to her out of Dave's guilty conscience as every car before and after it had been.

Rifling through her purse, Nev pulled her Debit Card, Campus ID and driver's license out and slid them into her back pocket. There was no need to lug that heavy thing around with her on campus. She hadn’t actually planned on coming, but found herself needing time to wander and gather her thoughts before knocking on Jay’s front door. She plopped her purse in the trunk, double checking that her keys were in her pocket, shut it and headed toward her old dormitory.

The complex consisted of three buildings attached via a complex maze of hallways, the First, Second, and Third Towers. The First and Second Towers, appropriately named, stood seven stories high, the elevator running straight up the middle of them with rooms encircling the perimeter of the buildings. They sat, mirroring each other, at the top of the hill. From the top story of either one, you could see the entire campus and much of the town spreading out below. They were the tallest buildings in the little town, peeking up into the Kansas sky like miniature skyscrapers. But Nevaeh lived in the Third Tower, which, she assumed, was only named so to keep the continuity.

Third Tower lay embedded in the hill behind First and Second Tower, hidden from normal view unless you wandered around to the back entrance. It was two or three stories high, depending on where you stood, but offered four floors of rooms. Ground floor was completely underground and even the men's first floor were basement rooms. Each floor was split in the middle by a common lounge; to the left was the men's hall and to the right, the ladies'. Many of its inhabitants mockingly referred to the building as the “fallen tower” seeing as it lay as long as the first two were tall. To Nev, it was home.

She stopped for a moment at the doors and glanced up to the third floor. Memories flooded her brain and she found herself giggling aloud at the thought of rushing Jay to the emergency room after he smashed his head into the door jam of the lounge, chasing after her. She remembered his sheepish grin as he walked out of the treatment room with three stitches. April Fool’s Day came to mind and she laughed at his distressing call when he came back to his dorm and everything had been moved out except for the underwear hanging on the hallway wall with a sign asking “whose panties are these?” Tracy had warned him that ditching them on that weekend was a bad idea and he had never done it again. Her smile spread and her fortitude strengthened.

“You lost?” A stranger’s voice disrupted her reverie. A group of boys, maybe 16, stood in front of her. They were mostly short and stout, sporting football jerseys and acne.

“What,” Nev stuttered, trying to regain her bearings, “Uh…n-no.”

“You here with the Cheerleading Camp,” a thick blonde asked. He was nervously shuffling from one foot to the other, his buddies obnoxiously jawing in the background.

“Cheerleading…uh,” Nev stood there momentarily befuddled by the idea that these teenagers seemed to be hitting on her.

“Yeah, this is my third year at football camp, and they normally have a cheerleading camp around the same time.” He shoved his hands deep into his front pockets, speaking aloof. “Where you from?” He took his hands out of his pockets, placing one against the glass door, leaning nonchalantly to the side. “We go to school…”

Her laughter cut him off as she processed the absurdity of her situation. She was practically twice his age. “How old are you,” she interrupted.

“Almost 17,” he shifted his weight, removing his hand from the wall. The small amount of courage he had mustered up in front of friends dwindling quickly. “I’ll be a junior. You?”

“I’m almost thir…” she paused. No, she wasn’t. Grabbing her Campus ID from her back pocket, she slid it past the reader and waited for the familiar click to signify that the door was temporarily unlocked. “I gotta go,” she spoke quickly as she swung the door open and stepped inside. “Sorry,” she threw back as the group of friends howled in laughter behind him. Nevaeh stood in the entrance, soaking in all memories of her freshman year. She chuckled aloud at the naivety of her 19 year old self, and then embraced it. She reminded herself that right here and now, she had a chance to extend that long lost innocence she thought she had lost so many years ago.

She scurried across the lounge to the stairwell, taking the steps two at a time. Flying to the top, she reached the third floor landing and paused, resting her hand on the handle to her hallway. She peered through the window, looking down the blank, white hallway to the left and then turned, opening the door on the right instead and stepped into the adjoining 3rd floor lounge. The smell of burnt popcorn brought her back to her college days in that room. Sitting on the couch watching Dragonball Z, playing Pitch around the table, throwing cards into a baseball hat, talking until the sun came up, Michael, Tracy, Jay. The couch invited her in, so she sat for a moment running her fingers over the threadbare cushions, smiling at how just the presence of Jay sitting beside her used to make this the most comfortable couch in the world.

Laughter filled the men’s hallway as a door opened and closed somewhere behind the lounge door. She lifted her eyes to the men’s side and rose to wander toward it. Waiting until the voices receded down the hallway and disappeared into the far stairwell; Neveah slowly opened the door and wandered halfway down. 317. The door looked bare, absent of all signs that Jay ever lived there. The white board with the permanent surfer sketch was gone as was everything she knew inside. He wouldn’t be there now, he had moved out months ago. Gingerly, she placed her hand on the door, letting a mixture of enjoyment and guilt flow through her body. Maybe it was too soon, maybe she should just head home, maybe it was wrong to feel this happy.

Suddenly, there was a flicker inside her. A spark lit from somewhere unknown, slowly spreading across her chest. The warmth reminded her of that unexplainable feeling she had as she stared at her own broken body, the same one that spread throughout her as Nana touched her back. Remembering the promise she made to herself this morning, she smiled, brushing off the guilt and embracing the joy.

Thirty minutes later, Nevaeh found herself driving by Jay’s apartment complex for the second time; the first time, she hadn’t even taken her foot off the accelerator. After visiting the restaurant she had worked at until, according to them, she had simply disappeared; she wandered around Wal-Mart until finding herself back on campus. Most of the buildings were locked, but the natatorium was open for athletic camps. Her locker in the girls room still had her padlock on it, her suit hanging from the shoulder straps outside so it could dry. She tried a few times to unlock it but could not remember the combination. She wandered through the showers to the pool entrance, but it also was locked so she decided to quit wasting time and make her way back to the car. So…here she was again, and this time, though she slowed down, she could not force herself to stop.

On her second postponement, Nev drove by the pool Jay worked at through the summer and then over to her bank. She stopped and cashed her last paycheck left there for her to pick up from May and made her way, zigzagging through her favorite side-streets, to the mall. She wandered the shops aimlessly, looking for something that might spark her long-dead creative flame. Finding a pair of jean shorts frayed around the edges in stonewashed denim, she picked them off the rack and found a dressing room.

Dropping the denim to the floor, she stepped through the unbuttoned opening and slid them over her 19-year-old curves. She pulled them up and buttoned the fly in one smooth motion. They reminded her of a pair she used to have, well probably still does, now. They were once her favorite pair of jeans that Nev had cut off and frayed at the edges. Around the seam of the right leg in pink puff paint she had painted the lyrics of Rick Springfield's “Jessie's Girl” replacing “Jessie” with Alec's name. Above it, on the right front pocket, she had embroidered a Rubik's Cube, to remind her of Michael's ingenious. On the left side of the shorts she had sewn a CareBears patch directly in the middle of the leg. Turning them over, you would have noticed a black outline of Surfer Jay she had copied from one of Sawyer's drawings, between the side seam and the back pocket. If she ever got them back from wherever they had ended up, she would have to put a new embellishment on them.

For now, she stood in front of the three-quarter length mirror, checking the fit of this new pair. It took her a minute to adjust her mind's eye so that it matched the view she was truly seeing. The curve near the small of her back was more prominent and her shoulders were straighter. The girl in the mirror stood without slouching and held an heir of self-confidence. Her dark eyes shone fiercely back at her reflection, unobstructed by glasses. But the biggest difference Nev could see was that glimmer of hope in her young eyes, excitement of a future yet untold. Her confidence bolstered. She changed quickly, returned the clothing to the rack and headed back to the car.

The third time she drove to the complex she stopped, parked, and exited the vehicle. Slowly she made her way to Jay’s front door, but instead of knocking she simply stood there, staring at the dark wooden door. The TV was on inside and she could hear laughter in many different tones. There was a soft, feminine laugh, barely audible above the television and a loud boisterous laugh, prominent and over-powering. But the one she was listening for was the hardest to pick out. Occasionally she would hear it, a low rumble, hiding in the undertones of the noise, like thunder you can barely discern from a train engine, or semi-truck. Every time she picked it out, she smiled. After a few minutes she raised her hand and, balling it into a fist, knocked very lightly.

Taking a deep breath in, she held it as the door swung open.

“Hello,” said Sawyer Murphy, standing in the doorway.

At the sight of her he turned on his smug smile which grew across his cheeks, invading his eyes, until it carried the expression throughout the entirety of his face. “Can I help you?” he asked, his golden light hazel eyes, speckled with green already running down the length of her long frame.

“Sawyer,” she blew out with the breath she had been holding in.

Surprise crossed his face, “do I know you?” He asked as he lifted his right hand to his forehead running his fingers through brown hair which was kept short, cropped over his ears and shaved very close to his scalp.

How could she not have accounted for this? She knew they lived together that summer, but had never even conjured up the thought that she would see him along with Jay today. It was something she was totally unprepared for and the shock ran through her like lightning. She took only one step back, frozen like a deer in headlights.

“Are you alright?” He asked a third question that would not be answered. He took a step toward her, but she backed away again. He was used to his appearance being met with extreme caution, with his thick neck, broad shoulders, and squat legs, so he quickly retreated back to the doorway of his apartment.

As he stood there, staring at what he knew to be a stranger, it all came rushing back to Nevaeh like a flash flood. She ran through their original first meeting, the weekend she, in her absolute heartbreak over Alec, kissed him, Jay's best buddy.

Idiot.

She was foolish to think their initial attraction had truly faded. He had simply forced it into dormancy. Her heart dropped to the floor, shattering, as it did that night, so many years ago. She had no one to blame but herself, her blind, stupid self. She had given herself so many excuses then, but none of them held a candle to the pain she had inflicted on Jay that night. Her mind's eye reconstructed the conversation they had that evening, after he went storming, barefoot, out of his room.

“I'm a good looking guy, right?” he had asked without looking at her.

“Yeah!” She spoke a bit overzealous. Calming her tone, she added, “very much so.”

“Then why,” he shook his head, “why is it that every time we like the same girl, he gets her. Every damn time.” he pounded the table with his fist.

“Are you ok?” Sawyer asked again. He turned to the side, directing himself back into the apartment. “Jay, come here dude. You know this girl?”

Nev had gasped. It was the first time she had ever heard him curse, and it seemed so trivial. “I was being the gentleman. I was waiting out the heartbreak and in he comes like a bulldozer, taking advantage of the entire shitty situation.” He had continued on, disregarding her shock, talking as if she wasn't even there. It was obvious to Nev Sawyer had hit a nerve that weekend. Something that Jay had let fester for some time, but she was clueless in deciphering what had brought it up all of the sudden.

Idiot.

She had waited for a long time, but it seemed as if his small tirade was over. “Who are we talking about here?” Her voice was meek.

“I shouldn't have to tell you.” He had paused and finally looked up into her eyes. He was so beautiful. “She's standing right in front of me.”

As Jay came to the door, Nev turned and ran.

“Nevaeh!” He called out after her but she didn’t look back. Jay ran the hall after her but she didn’t stop. She got in her car, reversed, and sped out of the parking lot. For a split second as she pulled onto the street, he caught her eye. Surprise was being quickly overcome with sadness, but she could not face that past. Turning away from his gaze, she drove away.