ReWritten

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

“She still asleep, Nana?” Nev asked as she heard her mother padding down the stairs.

Pausing at the foot of the steps, she listened for a moment before crossing the hallway to the doorway of the living room. “Yep,” she whispered as she eased into the closest rocking chair. Exhaustion swept across her face, filling her deep laugh lines with a weariness Nev knew was there, but often forgot about. It was hard to imagine her mother getting old, unable to get up and go at the drop of the hat. But like it does to everyone, time had crept up on her mother.

Her name was Hannah, but even at a young age, everyone called her Nana. When little Ava came along it was a seamless transition from her nickname to her “grandma name.” Even at 5'4” everything about her seemed long and thin. Her face, her nose, her lanky limbs, even her fingers and toes were long and slender. She kept her hair cropped short around her ears and the nape of her neck but longer in the front by an inch or so; the better to spike it with. At 58 it was still a deep black with no gray hairs to speak of. She had her Comanche ancestry to thank for that, and Nev was looking for the day when she too could thank her relatives of the past for the ability to look much younger than she really was. She was a spitting image of Hannah, minus the long fingers and toes and adding six inches to her frame. They had the same dark eyes, long nose, thin lips, and baby fine, straight black hair. Nev kept hers long and sleek, hanging down to her mid-back. If she were the praying type, hers would be to age as gracefully as her beautiful mother. For her daughter to forget often that she too wasn't as young as she used to be.

“I can't believe she didn't even make it to the car.” Nev smiled, picturing Ava already asleep in her Nana's arms in the time it took them to cross the parking lot at the police station and unlock the car doors.

“She's had a long day. We all have.” Nana smiled woefully. “I think it's time for bed.”

Nev stirred in her skin as her mom suggested the idea of sleep. It was late and she could tell her mother was tired, but there was no way she was sleeping tonight. “Mom,” she drawled slowly, chewing on her lips before she could find the next words.

Nana paused, taking in the trepidation obviously written all over her daughter’s face. Sinking back into her rocking chair, she simply waited, her worry overtaking her weariness.

“Geezus, Dave’s gonna be pissed!” She was wringing her fingers together, twisting the loose skin of her knuckles as far as it would go. Her adrenaline was beginning to wane allowing the misgivings of her actions to creep into her mind. What the hell was she thinking, running off with no plan, no place to go, and no direction for the future. “What the hell am I gonna do?”

“Whatever you want, Nev.” Nana answered as if it were the simplest question in the world.

“Whatever I want? But Dave would have never let…”

“I don’t give a damn what Dave would have allowed,” she sat up to lean forward, placing a hand on Nev’s trembling knee, “and you shouldn’t either. Honey,” she lifted a finger to her daughter’s chin, raising it to meet her eyes, “what do you want to do?”

“I…” she sighed, unsuccessfully trying to lower her gaze from her mother’s, “I don’t know.” She slid back from her mother’s gentle touch, sinking as far into the denim couch as she could. Crossing her arms over her chest, she spoke in barely a whisper. “I just want Ava to be happy, and safe. She deserves a home where her parents both love her, and her dad can just come home from work and focus on her and spending time with her without worrying about all the other stupid s**t around the house.”

“That’s Dave talking, not you.” She dropped onto the floor from her perch and placed both hands on either of Nevaeh’s knees.

“Maybe so, but it’s the sacrifice a mother makes...and a wife for that matter.”

“But not at the cost of your own happiness, your own dreams. Your partner should be just that, Honey...a partner, to support your dreams, and contribute to your happiness, share the load. It was never meant for one person to flourish while the other atrophies.”

Nev paused, digesting her mother’s words, “But you did.” She was slightly shocked at her mother’s point of view. The woman who worked night and day, holding a full time nursing job, helping her and her sister with their homework; who had dinner on the table at 6pm sharp, kept the house immaculate, and made time to spend separately with her husband and girls, didn’t expect the same from her daughter. Although Nev wasn’t surprised, she had already proven that she wasn’t up to the task. No wonder Dave was so unhappy with her...he was only treating her in the manner equal to her own effort.

Damp droplets sprayed across her jeans, chilling the fabric against her skin in the running AC. She glanced from her lap to see Nana crying, her face bowed into Nev’s lap. “I did, and I was miserable for 30 years, raising a daughter that now believes her own self-worth is tied to a man. What a stupid example I was! I’m so sorry, Honey,” she sobbed. “Please forgive me.”

“Oh, Mom,” she reached her stubby fingers out, hovering over Nana’s head.

“I know you’ve been so angry with me for not leaving him years ago,” she continued, cutting her off.

“I was angry,” she admitted after years of secrecy, “but Daddy died, so in the end I guess it all worked out.” It was a cruel thing to say, and Nana bristled under the harsh words, but Nev was past sparing the feelings of a dead man, She was speaking the only truth that had ever set her mother free. “But, also, I had no idea how difficult it could be.” She added as a caveat, resting her hand at the base of her mother’s neck, avoiding the gelled spikes. “I’m not actually angry anymore, just terrified.”

“You have nothing to be afraid of. You are so incredibly brave, much more than I ever was. Stepping out to better yourself, not just for you but for Ava. The hardest part is done, what could be scarier than where you have been?” She lifted her eyes to face her daughter, covering Nev’s hand with her own on the back of her neck.

“Everything! What if I can’t find a job or a place to live? What if I can’t afford to feed my child or send her to school. What happens when I lose my job because I’ve called in too many times to take care of her when she’s sick? Or worse yet, what if he finds us? What if he drags us back...or even separates us? What if he runs away with her leaving me in the gutter to rot?” Now it was Nev’s turn to cry, worst case scenarios running rampant in her mind.

“Nevaeh, Honey, you are the strongest person I have ever known and I am positive that you will do what it takes to protect Ava from any harm that might come her way. I will always be here for you but you have to take it one step at a time.” Her eyes were clear of tears now and stern with determination.

“One step at a time,” Nev parrotted her mother, trying to refocus herself.

“Yes, so first things first, do you know Dave’s work schedule? I think it’s best to get your things out of his place as soon as possible. Cut all ties, short and sweet...and soon.”

Nev started at the idea of moving out. “But where would I go? I don’t have a place yet.”

“Here, Nevaeh.” Nana smiled, raising herself off the floor and repositioning in her rocking chair. “Do you think I would let you stay anywhere else?” she smiled.

“But, Mom,”

“No buts about it, Honey. I will not have my daughter and my granddaughter struggling with necessities while pursuing a better life. Not when I can provide them so easily.”

“But, Mom,” she started again, failing to get any further this time as well.

“Not another word, Nevaeh Lynn. The matter is settled.” Raising her hand, she snapped two of her fingers sharply together against her thumb, signing “no” in the same manner she always had when Nev was a child. Experience had taught her long ago that meant the end of the conversation; the subject was no longer up for debate.

“Ok,” she acquiesced, “but I can’t stay here forever. I should find a job.”

“You could, but do you want to? What about school?” Nana offered. “You were always so talented with your sewing machine. Honestly, before you do anything else, I think you should throw out all those plain white tees you’ve picked up over the years and put a little Nevaeh flourish back into your wardrobe.”

Nana wasn’t wrong, the spark that had once burned in everything she touched had been slowly extinguished by Dave. It would be fun to see if she still had anything unique rolling around in that brain of hers. But should she really waste that kind of time on something as silly as her clothing? Not when she had Ava to take care of, a life to establish and a safe haven to create for her daughter.

“I can see your brain working, child, and spending some time re-discovering yourself will help Ava more than you think. Bettering yourself now will only boost your ability to provide for her in the future. And that will build a type of self-confidence that no one can take away from you.” She stood, stretching and checking her watch. “Good Lord, look at the time! I’m off to bed, but seriously, Honey, think of all the possibilities and stop limiting yourself to what you should do. Now is the time to dream about what you can do,” she smiled wearily, making her way to the staircase. “Good night, Nev,” and with that she was gone, up the stairs into the solitude of her own personal space.

Nevaeh heeded her mother's footsteps through the doorway of the living room, but instead of crossing the hallway to the stairs, she turned, following it into the dining room, through the kitchen and to a white wooden door. Opening the door she lumbered down a second flight of stairs to the basement, where she had spent her younger years in an aquamarine bedroom. The east wall was still covered in scraps of fabric cut into various sea life shapes. She remembered the time she had spent in high school creating the mural on that wall. A shimmering dolphin took up most of the space, cut from a gray piece of polyester/spandex blend. The tip of its tail was hidden in the blue fleece used as the ocean horizon and it's beak nearly touched the ceiling. Nev had attached a black button for it's eye and detailed him with a splattering of blue and white fabric paint to emulate the water droplets that would undoubtedly be splashed about at such a scene. Beneath him, tucked into the various folds of the fleece were cotton fish of every color and size. Below that, she had created a coral reef of corduroy, felt and wool. Darting in and out were gauzy angelfish, lace seahorses, and a velvet eel. At the floor there was a sandy suede bottom seething with life. Silk crabs, seersucker starfish, even a vinyl stingray skirted about at the baseboard. The entire scene was detailed with all the finishings she could think of: embroidery, beads, ribbon, buttons, paint, and snaps created eyes, stripes, fins, stingers, and bubbles, lots of bubbles.

Whatever happened to that side of Nev, that love of fabric, sewing, creating? She used to be the type of girl who put her personal touch on everything she owned. She never wore clothing straight out of the store before she had had the chance to alter it or decorate it. In college, she had sewn and painted for the sets of all their major theater productions, and she had even once dreamed of running a*****e devoted to the art of personal touches. When was it, exactly, that she had forgotten herself?

She sat on the edge of the bed, butted against the opposite wall of the mural, and simply stared at it. There was so much going on that you could still discover new creatures after 15 minutes. Closing her eyes, she thought of the friends that had helped her cut, sew, and paint. She thought of Alec, her high school sweetheart as a bittersweet smile crossed her face. Nine years ago today, he became the first man to ever break her heart. Ironic that a date so entrenched in pain would now become synonymous with freedom.

She also thought of Michael, her best friend. He was younger than her but so much wiser than his years. A year after high school she found him moving into the apartment down the hall from her and even though everyone waited for the day they began dating, it never came. Michael would certainly be a catch, but not hers. She had never had a brother and he, no sisters, but his brotherly instinct of protection was so strong that he could barely help himself when it came to her safety. And she often needed it.

Boy, could she use it now, but he had given up on her years ago, and worse than that she had let him. She thought of the day when he came to her home, offering to take her away, move her out, help her leave Dave once and for all. She had not only denied him, but lied to him. Defending Dave, pretending he was a good guy, she had accused Michael of jealousy, selfishness, and hatred. She had told him that if he could not accept Dave then he could not accept her. And so he left, and she simply let him go.

Opening her dark eyes, she let go a single tear for Michael and allowed it to roll down her cheek before swiping at it with the back of her hand. She had sacrificed so much for Dave. What was she thinking? Glancing around at the rest of her darkened room, she juggled with the idea of really starting to live for herself. What was it that she wanted? Who did she really want to introduce into Ava’s life, and what did she want to do with her own? The possibilities seemed endless.