Trace

17 - I will always love you, my boy

Red

“No, you can’t.”

I lift my head from my hands. I’ve been sitting on the couch for the past... I don’t know how long. I hadn’t realized I’d spaced out.

Tammy strokes my hair while dropping down into the seat beside me. “You don’t need to be strong for me.” Ah, hell. I said that shi.t out loud. “You can break down in front of me. I’m not a weak little girl, Scott,”

It hurts to hear that name on my wife’s lips right now. My own name is like a damn curse.

I take my wife’s hand in mine and entwine our fingers. If I ever lost this woman, I’d fuckin’ die. No joke, I would not survive without her.

“I know you’re not weak, Tammy.” I can’t lie to this woman; she’s the only person in the world to whom I can show my genuine emotions. I made Tammy promise that she’d never hide anything from me again; the least I can do is the same thing. “I don’t know what to do, Tammy. My boy is dead.” The sobs escape me against my will, and I can do nothing but collapse in my wife’s arms as she holds me while I cry.

“It’s okay, baby, I’ve got you.” My head is on her shoulder, my arms around her waist, hers around my shoulders as she rocks me like a child needing comfort from its mother. “I’ve got you, and I will never let go. I know how much this hurts. I know what Scotty meant to you, but he’s at peace now, Red. All of his pain and suffering is over. There won’t be a day that goes by when you won’t think about him, miss him, wish he was here with us. And we will keep him alive in our hearts, and we’ll always tell the boys about him, but Scotty wouldn’t want you to hold onto the grief you’re feeling right now.”

She pulls me closer to her slim body and kisses my head.

“Don’t keep it inside, Red. Let it out. Letting it out doesn’t mean you’ll be forgetting about him. But keeping it inside will kill you. You remember what it did to me, and no one died in that situation. No one that mattered, at least. Grieve because you need to, but remember you are not alone. You will never be alone. Lean on me because it’s my turn to be strong, baby.”

I want to argue with her and tell her that it’s my job to be the strong one. But right now, I can’t. I just don’t have the strength. I’ll pull myself out of this tomorrow, but tonight, I’ll crash in my wife’s arms and let the sadness wash over me.

“It’s okay, Scott. I’ve got you, baby. I’ve got you, and I will never let you go.” I sob in my wife’s arms. Sure, I’m a big bad biker, one who looks like a damn lumberjack in leather, built like a God, and twice as dangerous. But I’m a man who lost his son, and I am broken inside right now.

“Daddy?”

Fuc.k! I pull away from Tammy and hastily wipe my eyes. I don’t ever want to look weak in front of my sons.

“What’s wrong?”

I can’t seem to answer Trey, my boy in between Cole, my now eldest, and Cullan, my youngest. Trey is just ten, and he shouldn’t be seeing his dad like this.

“Daddy’s just a little upset right now, Trey,” Tammy tells him while I hang my head in my hands, elbows on my thighs.

“Is it because Scotty went to heaven?”

“Yes, baby,”

Fuc.k, I can’t handle this! I need to get out of here!

And I am fully ready to get the fuc.k up out of my seat, grab my bike keys, and leave. I need to ride the wind until I’ve got no fuckin’ strength left in my arms and legs to keep riding.

I inch forward in my seat, ready to get the fuc.k out of here when a little hand on my head has me looking up at my son. My heart breaks to see tears running down his cheeks.

“Daddy,” One huge heart-breaking sob rips from his chest, tearing my damn heart apart. I grab my boy and pull him into my arms, his head on my shoulder as he sobs.

Trey remembers Scott, as does Cole. They loved him so much, and he adored them. Cullan will never remember his big brother. He’ll never know how amazing Scott was. He’ll never know how much Scott loved Trey and Cole, he’ll never know how much Scott adored Tammy, and he’ll never know how much that boy truly meant to me.

Fuckin.g breaks my heart even more.

Scott was so good with Cole and Trey, and they idolized him. I’d told the boys yesterday that Scott didn’t run out on them and hadn’t abandoned them like they believed he had. I didn’t lie to them; I would never have done that because they would have one day found out the truth.

They know Scoot was shot, and he’d been on life support for the past couple of years. I explained to them today when they asked if they could see him that Scott had passed away. Cole... God, my boy screamed, broke down, hitting out and sobbing. Tammy was in bits because she couldn’t calm him. He ran to his room and hasn’t come out since. Cullan doesn't really understand what’s gone on; he’s just a baby.

Trey cried quietly but said nothing. Now he’s sobbing his heart out in my arms, and I’m holding him close to me, my wife watching with tears in her eyes. “Shh,” I soothe. “It’s okay, Trey. Scotty’s in a better place now. He can’t feel any more pain.”

“Don’t cry, Daddy,” He sobs, which makes me cry harder. “I will take care of you. I love you, Daddy! I’m so sorry Scotty went to heaven.”

“You don’t need to take care of me, Trey. It’s Daddy’s place to take care of you. I love you, my boy.”

I keep hold of my boy while taking Tammy’s hand in mine. She moves closer to us and lays her head on my shoulder. I’m not the only one in pain here; my whole family is in pain. I wasn’t the only one who lost Scott; we all did.

Things aren’t going to be easy ever again. But I know we’ll come through this eventually. None of us will ever forget Scott, and I will tell Cullan all about him. I’ll never let these kids forget the big brother who loved them so much.

“Dad?” I look over at Cole. He’s standing in the doorway of the den, watching us. “Dad,” The emotion in his voice as the tears start to fall tells me he needs me right now. He might be sixteen now, but he’s still my little boy.

Tammy takes Trey in her arms, and I hold my arms out to Cole. He comes running, arms around my neck, and he sobs, just like Trey did.

Never in my life have I wanted my kids to feel any kind of pain. But they are in pain, and I have to be strong for them, no matter what.

“Who’s going to take care of Fallon?” He asks while pulling away from me and climbing onto my lap like he’s five years old all over again.

Tammy and I, of course, told the boys that we’d found Fallon. They knew about her because Scott told them all about his sister and how much he loved her. He wanted the boys to love her, too. And they did, and still do, even if they have never met her.

“Fallon will be just fine, Cole. She’s in the spare room right now sleeping.”

“She is?” I nod my head. “Is she going to stay here with us? Scott would want her to stay with us.”

“I don’t know, bud. If Fallon wants to stay here, then, of course, she can stay. But you must understand that she might not want to be here.”

He’s quiet for a moment, looking at his mother and then his little brother. Then he tells me, “I'm going to take care of her. Same as I do Trey and Cullan. And I’m gonna take care of you and Mom. Scotty would have wanted me to.”

He lays both hands on my face.

“You don’t need to be brave for us, Dad. We love you, and we’re going to help you get through this.”

Ah, hell.

Why’d he have to be so much like his mother?

I wrap all three of them in my arms and hold them close. My family. We’ll get through this together. Scott’s funeral will be hard for all of us. But we’re stronger together. I know that.

Wherever you are now, Scott, I hope you know how much we all love you. How much I love you. I will always love you, my boy.