Trace

18 - The path to self-destruction

Fallon

It’s going to be a long, hard day. Today, I lay my brother to rest. Today, I say goodbye for the final time.

I haven’t seen Trace since the other night when he dragged me out of the strip club. I was so high that I didn’t even know what I was saying or doing. I remember all those grabby hands, however.

Who did I have to blame for that?

Right, myself.

I thought I’d outgrown taking drugs years ago. However, grief took over, and I couldn’t think straight, and I stupidly went back to the one thing I swore I wouldn’t touch again. MDMA. Yeah, I’m stupid. But I just wanted to forget what happened with my brother and what happened when I left the hospital. I called up my old dealer. He met me in the usual place and handed me the pills. It’s crazy to think there’s still a meeting place after two years. I don’t know what that says about me.

Red told me I’d yelled at Trace about him not letting some guy do something to me. Red asked me who’d hurt me, that he’d kill anyone who had. The truth is, I have absolutely no clue what the hell I was talking about. No one hurt me that I can remember, and I told Red as much. Ecstasy makes you hallucinate and think of all sorts. However, when I thought about it, I figured I was talking about the men who were grabbing at me last night. I didn’t want their hands on me, but I was too high to stop them.

I’ve pushed Trace away for a few reasons. I don’t deserve him, for one, and I screw everything up one way or another. Trace needs to go back to his w***e ways and forget about me. The sooner he does that, the sooner both of us can get on with our lives.

I stayed with Red the night my brother died. I was out of my head, and I cried and begged him not to leave me. He didn’t. Red took me back to his house, and Tammy awaited us. Tammy stripped me down and forced me into a hot bath, where she bathed me and washed my hair, and all the time, I just stared into space. Tammy dressed me in some of her clothes, blow-dried my hair, and then helped me to bed in her spare room.

I woke in the morning feeling like hell, but grateful that I was anywhere but my own house. I made a promise to myself that I would never take drugs again. I can’t. That’s not what Scott would want for me. I know that.

I met Scott’s little brothers at breakfast, and each one reminded me of Scott. Cole is sixteen and looks just like Scott; he even sounds like him when he talks. He’ll be a big guy before long. Trey is eleven and looks more like Tammy than Red. Cullen is one and the spit of Red, meaning he’s the spit of Scott, because Scott was the image of Red, and I only see that now.

Cole and Trey are the only ones who remember Scott; Cullan wasn’t born when Scott disappeared, which makes me so sad because I know Scott would have adored his baby brother. It hurts so much to think Scott would keep me out of this part of his life.

I know how pathetic that sounds. All my brother was doing was getting to know his family before he introduced me to them. But it really hurts that I never got to share this with him.

It hurts more that those people aren’t my family as well as Scott’s. I had no real business being there with them. However, something shocked me about these people, Scott’s family. Cole sat beside me on the couch and took my hand in his. I narrowed my eyes and looked at him.

He was quiet for a moment before he turned to look at me. When he did, he told me, ‘I’m going to take care of you, Fallon. Scott loved you so much, and I’m going to make him proud. You’re not alone anymore. I promise you will never be alone because you have all of us, and we love you. You aren’t my sister by blood, but you are my sister, Fallon. No one will ever hurt you, because if they do, when I’m old enough, I will find them, and when I do, I’ll kill them!’

I was taken aback at how like Scott he was. Every word Cole said sounded like they were coming from Scott’s mouth.

I hugged Cole so hard and kissed his head. ‘All I need is you guys. Everything else will work itself out. I love you, too, and I would be honored to have you as a brother, Havoc.’

Cole looked at me with a confused smile on his face. ‘Havoc?’

I took his hand in mine. ‘One day, just like Scott, you’ll wreak havoc on those who attempt to hurt us. You’ll be a proud man like him. I can see it now.’

‘Havoc.’ Cole mumbled to himself. ‘I like it.’

I laughed. I may have created a monster. I had no doubt in my mind that Cole meant it when he said he’d kill anyone who hurt me. But I also knew that I would never be any good for those little boys. I’m messed up, and I never want to bring my messed-up shi.t to Scott’s family. Because they were his, not mine, that’s why I thanked them and left, but not before I asked Red if he’d take care of Duke for me. I can’t care for him right now, and that just isn’t fair to him.

Apparently, Trace had collected him from my house when he grabbed an overnight bag for me, which Red had left at the clubhouse. Ace was taking care of my dog, but Red told me that he’d take care of Duke for as long as I needed. Then he gave me a ride in Tammy’s car, first to the clubhouse to get my bag, then home.

I’ve been here ever since, except the other night when I took a walk and did something stupid.

But that’s the story of my life, isn’t it?

I do dumb things again and again. I try to stay on the right path and be a good person, but then something terrible happens, and I go off the rails.

What in the hell possessed me to get drunk and let Brick drive me out of town?

Why was he even in this town when he was not supposed to be?

Whatever the reason, when I left the bar I’d gone to to drown my sorrows, Brick was there by the side of the road, straddling his bike like he wouldn’t get shot if a member of the Snakes Henchmen saw him.

I sobered quickly upon seeing him. He climbed off his bike with a smirk and came toward me. I stepped back, and he smirked wider. ‘Long time no see, Fallon.’ He said. ‘You filled out, beautiful.’

‘Leave me alone, Brick. What are you even doing here?’ I folded my arms around myself. I didn’t want him looking at me the way he was. It’s true; I’ve filled out over the past couple of years, but that didn’t give Brick the right to look at me like he wanted to eat me.

What am I talking about?

He always looks at me like that. Every time he sees me. He always acts like he hasn’t seen me for years when it’s only ever a month between visits.

‘Heard about Scott. You could’ve told me. The club deserved to know their Brother had passed.’

‘Brother? He wasn’t your brother, Brick. You abandoned him when you realized he’d never wake up. I was the one by his bedside for three damn years. I was the one stripping my clothes off to pay for everything he needed!’

Brick didn’t say anything in response, which just pissed me right off. How dare he ride into town, wait for me, and then act like my brother was his best friend. My brother didn’t even exist to Brick and hadn’t since he was shot!

Brick advanced on me. I knew the look in his eyes; he wanted me. I didn’t want him, but I was drunk, and I just wanted something or someone to help me forget what I’d been through. It should’ve been Trace, but I wouldn’t call him. He might be a man-whor.e, but he deserved much better than a big fuckin.g mess like me. I thought at that moment that if I slept with Brick, it would put the final nail in the coffin of Trace and me.

When Brick asked me to go with him, I didn’t even hesitate. I jumped on the back of his motorcycle and held tight while he rode fast and free. It wasn’t long before he’d rode to a motel, about half an hour from his house two towns over. There, we attacked each other, lips and hands. I didn’t want his sweaty body all over me, but I wanted him to make me forget everything.

However, standing in front of him in nothing but panties, his mouth on my tit.s, sucking and biting at my nipple.s, my hands in his hair, something inside me screamed that this was all wrong. My lips quivered because I felt awful.

Why was I doing this?

I wasn’t even turned on. In fact, I began to feel repulsed with myself. Of all the people I could have fallen in with, it had to be Brick. Tall, strong, handsome in his own right, scarred up, evil, crazy Brick.

All I could think about while he was touching me was Trace and what he’d think about me when he found out because he would find out. Brick is the kind of cunt to brag, and he’s never made any secret of the fact he wants to make me his. Brick took everything from me in order to force me to be with him. By being with him that night, I was giving him the idea that that was what I wanted. That was so not what I wanted.

I may not want to be with Trace in any way again – lies – but I didn’t want him thinking of me like some whor.e who sleeps around and takes drugs just because she can’t deal with what life throws at her, even though I can’t. I don’t want to keep falling back into old habits when things get too tough. I know I’m better than this. I want to be stronger, and I want to make my brother proud of me. I want Scott to be able to look down on me from heaven with a smile on his face and think, ‘That’s my little sister. Didn’t I do a good job of raising her? Isn’t she amazing?’

With that thought in my head, I pushed Brick away from me, naked as the day he was born, rock hard and ready for me. Nobody can say that man is small; he isn’t. He’s enormous everywhere, and I mean, everywhere. Tattoos cover every inch of him, even a few small ones on his face.

He’s handsome in a rugged, killer kind of way. He gets any woman he wants, and it confuses me why he wants me so badly. But he’s not what I want. All I want is to be left alone. I want to sort my pathetic life out and fight to get back what Brick took from me. I didn’t deserve to be manipulated the way I was by him. Now, it’s time to take back what belongs to me and be proud of who I am.

Who are you kidding, Fallon?

Who the hell would be proud of a screw-up like you?

Brick watched me with narrow eyes as I pulled on my bra and jeans. He grabbed my arm before I could pull on the rest of my clothes. ‘Where the hell do you think you’re going? You think you can tease me and just leave?’

‘My brother just died, Brick. I wasn’t thinking. I should never have come here with you.’

‘You are not fuckin’ leavin’...’ That’s all I heard before he hit me.

I remember Brick screaming at me, but I don’t really remember what he was saying. He grabbed at me and touched me when I didn’t want him to. I don’t know how I got away without him raping me because that’s where it was heading, but I did.

Luckily for me, Brick didn’t try following me; he just yelled what a stupid little bitc.h I was, how I’ll always be alone, how he’ll never allow me to see what’s mine again, and how one day, very soon, he’ll kill me. The truth is, I believed him, and I am terrified that he’ll come for me sooner than I think.

I’m so stupid. If having a man feel me up when I was drugged up, unable to really fight him off, wasn’t bad enough, I let Brick touch me.

What the hell is wrong with me?

You’re on the path of self-destruction, Fallon. Sooner or later, you’ll end up dead if you’re not careful.