Trace

19 - Goodbye, Scott

Fallon

Red called me the day after to ask about Scott’s funeral. I told him to arrange it. He wasn’t pleased that I didn’t want to help, but I told him I only wanted input on Scott’s headstone and what was written on it.

Red called me two days ago to tell me what time the funeral is and where it will be - at their silly little pirate clubhouse. Scott will be laid to rest in the same cemetery as the rest of their fallen Brothers and Old Ladies. An honor, Tammy told me. I’m not sure what Brick will say when he finds out. Not that I care. Brick and his MC turned their backs on my brother years ago. They have no right to say anything, and they won’t be welcome at the funeral.

God, I look like hell. I’ve been standing in front of the mirror in my room for the past hour, just staring at myself. I don’t want to do this. Today is the worst. Okay, not the worst, but it’s not a day I ever thought I’d be having.

I pull my hair into a high ponytail and wipe my hands down my black dress to ensure there are no creases. I grab my large black hat, pull it on my head, and slide on my sunglasses. I need to hide my eyes from people so they don’t see me cry. Because I will cry, this is my brother we’re talking about. I’m not some heartless bitc.h with no feelings.

The car waiting for me was not what I expected. I was going to make my way there via taxi. However, Ace is waiting for me in a black Impala. It’s a nice car. I didn’t know he could even afford such a car.

How stereotypical is that?

For all I know, the man could be a millionaire. Doubtful, but you never know.

We drive to the cemetery in silence. I have nothing to say to anyone today — literally nothing. The graveyard Red pick is beautiful. I’m not sure I would have picked a private biker cemetery to bury my brother in, but I did tell Red he could make all the arrangements for today. I know the cemetery is a private one, but I didn’t realize Snakes Henchmen owned it until Ace just said so. The beautiful graves state many names of bikers, Old Ladies, and even children; each headstone is gorgeous. I’ve never seen anything like this before. The whole place is beautifully manicured, and it reminds me of what a Royal resting place might look like.

I avoid contact with everyone because I don’t need or want it. Trace comes over to me through the church service and puts his arm around me. I instantly warm to his touch but shove him off of me. I don’t want comfort right now; I want to lay my brother to rest and then get drunk.

Shoving him off me doesn’t stop Trace from standing with me at the burial plot. He doesn’t touch me again or even attempt to; he just stands beside me, letting me know he’s here for me. I haven’t cried yet. I thought I’d cry like a baby, but I haven’t shed one tear.

How is that normal?

I want to cry, I want to get it all out, but it’s just not happening.

Red is crying. He’s not ashamed to show his sadness in front of the men he calls his Brother’s. There are a lot of them here, a hell of a lot. They’re all here for him, comforting him, shaking his hand, and telling him how sorry they are for his loss. Tammy is crying, Cole and Trey are crying. Little Cullan is in his mother’s arms, not understanding what’s going on here. Yet everyone is telling even the children that they’re not alone, that if they need comfort, they can go to any one of the MC members and they’ll be right there for them. They’ve said the same to me, but I haven’t once looked at anyone. I don’t want to.

I must have been in a world of my own for a while. I’m kneeling beside my brother’s open grave now, a single white rose in my hand. There’s no one around me, but I know they’re still here, all standing by their cars and motorcycles watching me, no doubt.

How do you say goodbye?

A real, permanent goodbye to the one person who has meant everything to you your whole life?

My heart can’t possibly break any more than it already has. I guess it would if I had any left to break.

“I’ll always love you, Scott, and I will never forget you.” This is the first thing I’ve said all day.

“He knows that, sweetheart.”

Somehow, I knew he’d be there, right beside me. My Trace. The man who should run a mile from a girl like me. I’m nothing but trouble, so not worth his time, and definitely not his love. Not that I believe a man like Trace could love a girl like me.

I don’t say anything to him.

What is there to say?

My brother is gone, and I’m stuck sitting beside his grave, wishing all of this was just a bad dream, that I could somehow bring him back, and then everything would be okay again. But I can’t, and it won’t.

I kiss the rose and drop it onto my brother’s coffin before getting to my feet and walking away, Trace following me like a loyal puppy.

I just want to be alone, is that too much to ask?

“Would you like to ride with us to the clubhouse?” Tammy asks me. Red, along with the rest of the bikers, came on their motorcycles, and believe me, there are so many motorcycles here. It's like being at a motorcycle rally. Tammy and the other girls came by car. I shake my head at her, though, because I don’t want to go anywhere but home.

“I’ll take her on my bike.”

“No, you won’t!” I snap with a little more venom than was necessary. “I don’t want to go to your stupid clubhouse, I want to go home, and I’ll make my own way there.”

“Fallon, you shouldn’t be...”

“I want to be alone, Tammy. All of you be with Red; he needs you, I don’t. Don’t even think about following me, Trace. I thought I made it perfectly clear that we are done! Just leave me alone.” I don’t wait for a response because I don’t need one. I walk away from them and head home.

The only person I want right now, apart from Scott, I can’t have. Brick would never allow it after what happened the other day, and even more so because neither he nor any club member was invited here today. He’ll be pissed and then some, so I won’t even ask for ten minutes. Ten minutes is all I need. However, I’ll go home and lay the fuc.k down on my bed and cry this shi.t out of my system. Maybe once I have, I’ll be able to find some way to move forward.

I need to find a way to put my brother to rest and move on with my life.

If only.