Trace

13 - This is goodbye

Fallon

“Anyway, the last time I saw my boy, I’d taken him out for the day. I took him to the clubhouse. He loved it there.” Red smiles fondly. “At the end of the day, I took Scott home. He did the usual, begging me to stay, not to leave him, and said he wanted to live with me. Fuckin’ kills a man to hear his son say such things.”

I close my eyes with my lips pressed between my teeth. I can’t bear the thought of my brother being so young and so scared to be without his daddy.

What kind of bitc.h was my mother that her little boy would beg his daddy like that?

“I told him, ‘I love you, Scotty. Daddy is never gonna leave you. You gotta stay with your momma tonight, but I’ll come by in the mornin’ and collect you. We’ll go fishin’ just you and me.’ Boy was so excited.”

Red is quiet for a moment, looking out at the park scenery.

“I never saw him again. Bitc.h took off that night with my boy and left no trace behind. Believe me; I fuckin’ searched for years. Every new town I went to, I looked, thinkin’ ‘Is my boy here?’ but I never found him.

“The day I married Tammy, all I could think about was my boy and where he was now. Ain’t nobody I would rather have had by my side that day than my boy. I lost hope of ever findin’ him as the years went on.”

“How did he find you?” I cough a little. My throat’s gone dry.

“I was workin’ in the garage with some of the boys, fixin’ up a truck when the Cutthroats came ridin’ in like they’d got a goddamn death wish. As soon as he took his helmet off and climbed off that bike, I knew. I knew I was starin’ at my boy, and so did some of the others that were there that day, the older guys. They’d been with me through tryin’ to find Scott, including our Prez.

“Was darn crazy. Scott looked at me while Brick was shootin’ his mouth off at the Prez. That stupid prick was so insane he thought he was untouchable on our turf.”

Sounds like Brick. That man thinks he’s God himself.

“I saw the look in Scott’s eyes. I couldn’t believe he was patched in with them idiots. Always thought he’d be a Snake.”

I could imagine my brother wearing a Snakes Henchmen cut alongside his father and Trace.

“Thor.” Red chuckles to himself. “Boy was built like Thor. Couldn’t believe my eyes. Then he says, ‘I know you.’ I nodded at him. His eyes widened, and he said, ‘Dad?’ My boy fuckin’ recognized me. I walked right up to him and grabbed him. He clung to me as he cried while trying not to. All them years of wonderin’, and there he was...”

I’m so glad Scott got that moment with his dad before all that shi.t happened... Before I lost him.

“Brick was beyond pissed. He’d gone there to fight, but my boy wasn’t havin’ any of it. He refused to fight his old man. He told Brick he’d take off his cut right then and there and walk away if that’s what he wanted. A man’s club is supposed to be the most important thing in his life if he ain’t got an Old Lady and kids to care for. Scott didn’t care.

“God knows he got some shi.t from those Cutthroat bastards over the following weeks, as was expected. Those fucker.s hated us and would do anything to wind us up and get a reaction. However, they didn’t wanna lose Scott to the Snakes, so they said nothing when he came to see me. Shepard even called a temporary truce until Scott could be transferred over to the Snakes because that’s what my boy was working toward.

“Anyway, Scott and I got to know each other all over again over a couple of months. He spent time with my family, meeting his younger brothers,”

“Scott has younger brothers?”

He gained more siblings?

Great!

“Yes. Three. Cole, Trey, and Cullen.” Wow. Scott had brothers. Something I’ll never have again. “Cullen wasn’t born when Scott was around; he came after Tammy’s recovery.”

Oh yeah, I remember. She was raped.

“Scott told us about you. He was gutted when I told him I wasn’t your father. He wanted to know who was, but I couldn’t tell him. Truth is, and I know this is gonna hurt, but your dad could’a been anyone.”

Yeah, hurts more than I’m willing to let on. It just cements the fact that I’m alone in the world. No blood relatives at all. No one to care about me. Okay, someone, but I can’t go there; I’m no good; I’d ruin them. I won’t do that.

“I told Scott that it didn’t matter to me; you’d still be part of the family. Tammy and me, we’d treat you no different from the boys.”

When did the tears start?

I keep looking forward and wipe my eyes, hopefully without Red noticing.

“The very last time I saw Scott, he told me that he was finally ready to leave his club. He belonged with me and mine, and Shepard had already okay’d it for Scott to take the loyalty tests. He was gonna be one of us.

“Then he told me that he’d be bringing you by the clubhouse as soon as he could. He asked me not to tell you about me not being your dad. He didn’t want you feeling like an outsider,”

Sounds like Scott.

But was he just going to let me believe this man was my father?

I can’t even be mad about it because that’s Scott all over. He would never want me to feel alone or abandoned. Now I feel like a bitc.h for being so mad with him.

“He never showed that night.”

No, because I killed him.

My heart is breaking while Red explains how much it hurt not knowing where his son was, if something had happened to him, and how he tried to get the Cutthroats to tell him where Scott was and what happened to him.

Red honestly thought they’d found out about Scott’s plans to leave the club. Everyone knows you don’t leave one club for another. Not without a trade-off, that’s how these guys work. You can be shipped out to different charters, but you don’t abandon your club.

The cutthroats told Red nothing more than Scott had left the club and wouldn’t be coming back. Which only made Red even more suspicious. You don’t get to leave. Not alive, at least. However, Red couldn’t prove Brick and his men had done anything to Scott, and Shepard wouldn’t allow Red to act on his anger. Even though he did once or twice. Each time he tried to get one of Brick’s men to talk, and they wouldn’t, he ended them.

I can’t even imagine what kind of war that would have caused if Brick could have proven Red was responsible.

However, nothing Red did, led him to find my brother. All the frustration he felt, never knowing if his son was alive or dead. Always knowing Scott would never have just upped and left without saying anything. Especially not when they’d just been reunited and how close they’d become again.

I sit mutely listening to Red as he tells me how he’ll kill whoever is responsible for Scott’s death because Red will never give up until he finds that person.

Me.

It’s no more than I deserve.

But still, I stay silent. I don’t tell Red that I’m responsible. I don’t want this man to hate me just yet. I need his support in order to get through what we have to do. I don’t want to know anything about my father because I don’t deserve to know that either. I deserve the lonely, sad life I’m going to lead after we put my brother in the ground.

* * *

Red convinced me not to wait, not to keep Scott holding on any longer. It’s painful for both of us, but he’s right; this isn’t fair to Scott. He needs peace from all of this. However, if one more person tells me that Scott is not really there anymore, that he hasn’t been since the night it happened, I may well end up in prison for murder!

I try to keep my tears at bay as I watch Red with Scott. His hand gently stroking Scott’s limp hair back before he kisses his forehead.

Tammy’s here. Red called her and asked her to meet us at the hospice. She’s crying beside me while trying not to make any noise. There are also a few members of Snakes Henchmen outside the room — the older members who remember my brother from when he was a child. I only know one or two of them, and that’s because they’ve been to the strip club.

I may not know them, but it’s nice that they’d be here to support Red and to say goodbye to my brother. Everyone needs somebody to be there for them. Right now, I wish Trace were here with me, just as a friend. I could use one of those right now.

How the hell am I meant to get through this?

How am I meant to stand by and watch the doctor turn off my brother’s machine?

He’ll really be gone then, and I’m not sure I’m ready for this, as much as I told Red that I was.

“Sleep well, Son,” My heart aches for Red. “I’ll always love you,” His voice cracks, and he clasps his hand over his mouth and turns away.

“Oh, Red,”

I swallow back a sob and watch Tammy holding her now sobbing husband for a moment. It’s hard to see such a big, strong, proud man break down like this. It’s painful.

I make my way over to my brother and take his hand in mine. I look at his face, and I remember the handsome, strong man who protected me my whole life. The man I owe everything to. The man I let down so badly.

“Hi, Scott. Your dad told me what you tried to do for me and how you wanted to share him with me. You always shared everything with me.” I bring his hand to my face and hold it against my cheek. His palm is warm, like always.

How can they say there’s no life in my brother when he’s still so warm?

Because the machine keeping him alive keeps him warm, Fallon. They keep his heart pumping, remember?

“I don’t know what I’m going to do without you. I’m so sorry I haven’t let you go before now. I was scared. I didn’t want to be alone.” I can’t stop the tears any longer. I let them fall from my eyes, yet I try not to sob.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, a steady hand that is literally keeping me grounded right now. “You’re not alone, little mouse.”

I turn, almost snapping my neck to look at him. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing will come out.

How the hell did he get here so quickly?

“It’s okay; I’m here,” Trace tells me with a kiss to my head.

I nod and lean back against him. I don’t know how or why he’s here, but I need him so much right now.

I look at my brother and kiss him one last time, tears drowning me. “Goodnight, my sweet prince.”

I force myself to look away, telling myself if I don’t do it now, I never will. It has to be now; Scott deserves peace. I have to stop being so selfish. I have to think of him. My eyes lock with Red’s; he nods once as he takes my brother’s other hand. I may have looked away, but I won’t let go of his hand yet.

I nod my head and close my eyes because I can’t watch the doctor turn off the machine. I’m trying so hard not to sob. I can’t watch my brother disappear in front of my eyes.

I’m trying so hard not to fall apart. I’ll do that at home. Alone.

“Open your eyes, sweetheart.” I shake my head at Red. I don’t want to open my eyes. “Look at him, Fallon. He looks peaceful.”

Deep breath, Fallon. Do this for Scott.

So that’s what I do; I take a deep breath and open my eyes. I sob and laugh at the same time. He looks so young with the tube gone from his throat. I stroke his cheek, and a tear falls from my eye and lands on his jaw.

This is it.

This is goodbye.

Forever.