Kat undecided

I hate the rain, the gloominess of it all, how cloudy it gets. The streets busy with people hurrying to shelter. A once peaceful day turns in to a mess. And worse of all it made me think about unhappy things, I lose all motivation to do anything. But today, today was different. I silently prayed to God if He is listening, that that the skies turn dark and a torrent of rain mirroring my feelings would come barreling down. It would be freeing. But a girl was not so lucky, looking out the window I could see the skies as clear as ever. Maybe I should give up hope of an escape from this hell, hope of a rescue but I couldn’t help it, I needed something to get me out of this situation, a sign that was so glaring, not one person would be able to deny that this day was cursed. “You look like you are about to throw up kat, should i get you some Xanax?” Sophie asked “No, no, no, I already gave her two aspirins an hour ago, don’t turn into a druggie” Elizabeth answered “Well we need to do something, she’s freaking out” “I’m fine” I said trying so hard to calm my nerves “Oh yeah and I’m azula from avatar” “soph leave her alone, she says shes fine.” “I blame you for this” “me? what did I do?” ​“you keep acting as if everything is fine and we are in alice and the bloody wonderland” “I am trying to be positive, would you rather I act like you and make her feel more hopeless” “it would be better than this Mary poppins act, its like you are in a different reality” “Okay, okay guys. soph I get it you are worried about me. But there is no need to be, I’m fine.” I doubt she bought that “how bout you go check what’s going on outside while finish getting ready” “Alright, alright. I know when I’m not needed” walking towards me she held my hand, looked me in the eye and whispered “yell if you need me to bust you out of here, okay?” best I could offer her was a weak smile. Just breathe kat, you’ve got this, who cares if you are taking the bar exams tomorrow, clearly not your parents or they wouldn’t force you to do this. I set my flash cards on the table and admitted defeat, I hadn’t been able to get any reading done since I got here. It had a little to do with my mom nagging me and a lot to do with my fears and worries. like me, Sophia or soph as we all liked to call her didn’t want this but unlike me she would actually do something about it if she were in my shoes, maybe I should grow a pair like she keeps hounding me to. Not knowing what to do was a specialty for me, I like to think I thrive in it. I just fare better with being told what to do. But this felt different somehow. This seemed more important, and I know I have to have the answers, i do, but I can’t seem to come up with anything. “hey” liz said jarring me from my thoughts “you know I’m with you right?” “what?” “I said, you know that I am with you, right?” “yeah, of course I know that” “whatever crazy idea soph has I’ll go along with it as long as its what you also want” she said with a sincere look in her eyes Elizabeth was the complete opposite of Sophia. We also call her Liz. She was more like me, quiet, trying not to make waves or cause a rukus. She mostly always goes with the flow. Don’t ever let anyone tell you FOMO isn’t real because it was and we suffered from it. We’d rather not say anything than risk being left out. It just feels easier to go along with someone else’s plans. The thought of rocking the boat just never sat well with us. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that we were raised in the same place. A place where we were told, what to say, what to wear and how to act. You kind of get used to decisions being made for you and don’t complain anymore. It was pointless, you’d still end up doing what is asked of you. It wasn’t about fear as much as it was about manipulation. But soph liked to say “the opinions of your friends and family matter, but they do not matter as much as your own” I think that was always her way of letting me know that if I let people decide for, me be it good or bad, I would still be the one to live with the consequences. Most times I wish I was as brave as her. For starters I’d wear more hoodies and sweatpants. But more importantly I would stop this from happening. sadly I don’t have what it takes. “Darling are you ready” my mom said walking in “oh my, you look wonderful baby” she gasped “thank you mother” “you don’t look happy though” she said with a frown “I have warned you about this face, what does Niko call it again” “a resting b***h face” “that’s a bad phrase but it describes your look exactly. oh come on my child, smile a little, it’s your wedding day after all everything is gonna be alright” she said while absent mindedly fixing my hair “yes mother” I said forcing a smile “Now that’s better, the priest will soon be here so keep that smile going” and then she left the room Omg. This is really happening. I’m going to be standing in front of hundreds of people in a matter of minutes. “so I’m gonna get soph and then we’ll all come out, okay?” liz said “mhhmmm” I said with a vigorous nod not sure my words wouldn’t fail me “hey, like your mum said, its gonna be alright” “Yeah, it will” I said with so much conviction. Liz gave a small smile of reassurance before leaving the room. Immediately she left I headed for the window. Thank God my uncle Viktor was too lazy to remove the ladder after fixing the window. Lifting my really heavy gown I got on the shaking ladder praying it stays still long enough for me to come down. and of course now was a good time to remember I was scared of heights, why in heavens name did I ask for a room in the first floor. Just one step at a time kat, you’ve got this. After the longest minute of my life, I finally made it down. grateful that the garden was at the opposite side of the house and I’d be able to get to the garage without being spotted, even at that I still hide in the bushes tiptoeing my way to the garage. Feeling courageous enough I decided to bolt the rest of the way when I felt the coast was clear. Looking for the switch I flinched when I saw a faint shadow close to where the keys were. I stretched my head and squinted my eyes to try and get a good look at the person without getting caught. My heart raced ten folds when the figure turned and looked at me. It felt like my heart would leave my body when a light came on the persons phone and it was on my face, I froze till the person spoke. “aren’t you supposed to be getting married?” my little brother said “Nikolai” I said almost breathless “you scared the living day lights out of me. What are doing here in the dark” I asked in as effort to distract him from the question he asked me. “you know I don’t like crowds, and mom invited her entire contact list to what was supposed to be a small gathering. I didn’t feel like pretending to like people” “I know the feeling” I say with an understanding sigh “so…… what are YOU doing here?” “oh, me?..... im…. I’m…… I’m gonna go get something from the store real quick” “on your wedding day?” he asked confused “isn’t someone else supposed to handle all the errands? “yeah, but…. Umm…. I needed tampons and I didn’t want to tell anyone, it would be too embarrassing” “oh okay” he said rapidly while awkwardly scratching the back of his head. Wasting no time I reached for the keys to my car and walked away. Getting in to the car and driving out of my house where hundreds of people were waiting for me to be married, I felt like I could finally relax. What was I thinking all these months, I couldn’t do this. I wouldn’t do this. My goals and plans will not be crushed because of my refusal to fight for them. I will fight for them, I ignored all calls from my friends and family and drove straight to my dorms. I have no idea why I didn’t think people wouldn’t notice someone wearing a bright pink puffy gown in the middle of campus. Should’ve thought that one through. People were staring left and right, I could’ve sworn I heard a guy whistle. I tried not to pay attention to all the stares and headed straight to my room to change and pack a small bag. I was so grateful my roommate was not in, she was probably at the library prepping for our exams, I would’ve also been there but well…… you know the story. I huffed and collapsed on my bed. I shut my eyes trying not to think of the colossal mess I just put myself in, what my mom and dad would do to me, but most of all I didn’t want to think of him, my supposed future husband, how he was feeling at the moment or what he thought of me. Maybe I should, nope I’m not even gonna attempt it. Resolute that all the overthinking would make me go mad, I got up, headed to the bathroom to wipe all my make-up off and changed in to a simple gown. I started packing when I received a text from my friend soph: whatever you do don’t come back. Your mum is going apeshit over here. P.s hope your aren’t in your dorms because that’d be a dumb place to hide Her text only made me panic even more and I started to pack faster. After stuffing my duffel bag with clothes and other supplies I grabbed my phone, keys and an extra charger and sprinted to my car. I steadied my nerves for a few minutes before making my way out of school. I wandered around the city for at least an hour not knowing where to go or who to turn to. all my friends were at the wedding and my mum would make them give me up if I called. Not to talk about the family members, they wouldn’t even pick up my calls for fear of what my mom might do to them if they gave me refuge. I stopped my car, feeling like I was about to cry. Why is my life so s**t. Shaking my head I was determined not to throw myself a pity party so I wiped the one tear from my face and just as I was about to start the car I saw a sign that was my saving grace.