Death is Long Overdue

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER ONE

“ Know what your problem is?” Juliet threw popcorn into the air, tried to catch it with her tongue and missed.

“ No,” I sighed and bent to pick up the errant kernel. My sister is a slob. “But I bet you’re dying to give me profound words of wisdom from your twenty-five years on the mountain, oh great guru.”

“ Your problem is that you’re too nice, Phee. You need to stand up to people or you will be a doormat for the rest of your life,” Juliet declared. She stretched her long legs out and rested her feet on my antique cherry coffee table. She wiggled her hot pink toes at me. I sighed and nudged them off with my own short hobbit-like feet. I loved my baby sister, but she would never understand. She was tall and blonde and could roll out of bed looking like a Paris fashion model. If I rolled out of bed, my short curves would keep on rolling and I would end up looking like a bag lady in a back alley. She was artsy, and I was just, well, kind of old-fartsy.

“ I am not too nice!” I protested. “Today I left a very nasty message on Huey Long’s answering machine. I told him that if he didn’t bring the library’s books back I would turn him into collections and ban him from the building. Would you believe he had the nerve to pinch me on my butt? I would’ve kicked him, but Charlie Cochran told him to get out before he knocked him out. Huey ran off as fast as his little legs could carry him. He should be terrified I will kick him in the place where it counts! I’ve had about all I can take of him. He’s been skulking around the library for the past few months asking me out. He asked if he could ‘check me out, take me home and read me.’ The man is such a pig!” I pretended to gag. As the librarian at the small local library, I knew almost everyone in town. Sometimes it was hard to be mean to someone you might sit next to at the counter of Odd Couple’s Diner. For Huey Long, I could make an exception.

“ Whoa! You are B.A. I’m sure he was trembling in his little itty bitty troll boots he made from the hides of baby kittens. Did he bring back the books?” Juliet asked.

“ B.A.? What the heck is that?” I wrinkled my nose in confusion. I found a few more dropped kernels of popcorn and leaned over to pick them up.

“ Bad a*s. You’re such a nerd! Listen, Phee. Tell that little p*****t the next time he touches you, you will drop kick him so hard that they’ll find him in the next town. Threaten to charge him with assault, too. He is such a creeper. It would do him good to spend a night in jail.” Juliet stood up, slipped on her shoes and grabbed her jacket and purse. “I love you just the way you are, but you need to try living a little more dangerously and be more assertive towards people. I’m saying this for your own good. Try new things. Realize there’s more to the world than Miller’s Cove, your books and your library. And for heaven’s sake, go on a date! I bet I know a smoking hot deputy you wouldn’t kick out of bed if given half the chance.” She winked at me. I ignored her

“ Huey Long is not a troll. He is a vertically-challenged p*****t,” I snickered. I followed Juliet as she made her way to the door.

“ Funny. Don’t forget dad’s birthday is a week away. Mom is in full party planning dictator mode, so make yourself scarce,” Juliet warned me as I shut the front door behind her.

I leaned my forehead against the wall and considered banging my head against it in frustration. Crud! How could I forget Mom’s big party for my dad’s sixtieth birthday? I would need to go shopping.

In the meantime, I thought about what Juliet said about standing up for myself. Too nice. Ha! I would show her. I would get the books back from Huey if it killed me. Now I just needed to figure out how to do it without actually dealing with him. Time to put all those hours logged reading crime novels to good use.