Do I Wanna Know?

June 24th

June 24thI wake up at noon. There`s another letter on the kitchen bar. I had to go. –that`s it. I get it, he doesn`t want to see me. I refresh myself in the bathroom then check my phone. Dad sent me a text in the morning letting me know that they will be back late afternoon. Super. Finally good news. So many things can change in a day...Yesterday I would have been sad that they will be arriving home early and our little privacy with Josh will come to an end. But now I`m just calm. I pack my stuff and call Emma to ask if I could spend the afternoon at theirs. They tell me to hurry up as they are just about to have lunch. They live twenty minutes’ walk away. I leave the keys on the bar and I write `Thank you for the hospitality! L.` on Josh`s previous letter. I close the door behind me. I make my way to Emma`s with my suitcase.

The afternoon goes fast. We have lunch, play some card games with the grandkids, Emma asks some questions about the past four years and they tell me some stories about them and the people who live in the street. I really try to concentrate on them but something inside of me has broken again, something that I have tried to glue back together over the past four years. It disappoints me to realise that I feel exactly the same as I did when I left home. Mum calls me to say they landed. Emma and her family come to the house with me. Together, we wait for the remaining Haggerty family to return. I am home now as if I have never even left.

The taxi pulls up to the house and I jump on to my Mum straight away. I can tell that she knows that something is wrong but maybe she thinks it`s because of the burglary. She won`t question me in front of Emma. Maybe later. I help them with their bags. Mum invites Emma and her family in, makes some coffee meanwhile Dad looks around the house and reads the police statement.

Andrew is already in his room blasting his favourite music channel. He is listening to Numb by Linkin Park, I can deal with that. I sit on the sofa and watch him unpack. We usually see each other once a month when I go to Denver for the weekend and I stayed over at his apartment. I made sure to always go on a weekend when Josh wasn`t there. Sometimes we met up at Princeton with Andy. I was in student accommodation but Mum`s sister, Jenna and our grandparents live close by. Sometimes our parents joined us but we mainly focused on holidays, we spent the summers on the beach and the winters in the mountains. During the last year, Andrew`s girlfriend Annie came with us as well. She is a fragile, brown-haired, grey-eyed, sensitive girl who is the dreamy type. I had to admit that she suits Andy more than his previous girls. Andy is happy and clearly in love. While he throws some clothes away he looks at me and finally says:

-You look dreamy.

-Really? You have eagle eyes. –I smile, I know I can`t tell him anything as they are good friends. I`m sure Josh didn`t say anything as Andrew would have already said something if he did. Let`s keep it this way.

-Another quality conversation. Something bothering you? Can I help? – no point answering so I change the topic.

-How`s Annie, when will she arrive?

-She would like to be here for the BBQ party on the weekend but she might only get here for your birthday party. She still has an exam to do.

-I don`t really want a birthday party. Why don`t we just go for a meal?

-No way! Mum and Dad already advertised it. Vicky will be here, and my friends from uni, Mum`s colleagues, some relatives and some neighbours want to see you. We don`t need a better reason. You can do it all in one and you`re done for the summer.

-I give up! Fine. –I smile, I really enjoy his company. Andrew is always happy and it`s contagious. He never complicates life. But he can really annoy me with one thing. He always has a friend who he thinks is a perfect match for me. He loves setting up blind dates. I want to make the boundaries clear:

-Andy, I`m telling you now, don`t try to send a Casanova, Romeo or Don Juan my way. Let this be my present.

-Your wish is granted! – he says but doesn`t look me in the eye. He probably already organised something. He is driving me crazy. I`m on the way out of his room when he asks:

-Was everything okay with Josh? – I freeze but don`t turn around.

-Sure.

-Good then. I`ll give him a call in a bit. It would be nice to see him tonight. –I don`t react to this. I go to my room to sort some stuff out.

An hour later Mum shouts to let us know dinner is ready. Everything is the same as it was when we were kids. Andy shouts back to say he is going out and will eat later. Dad Mumbles. It`s relaxing to be at home. Somehow everything falls into place. I wait until Andrew leaves then start eating in the kitchen. Mum asks me about what was bothering me and I just tell her everything is fine until she actually believes me, then we start to talk about the weekend BBQ. They only want to invite a few people. Maybe 7-8 people. We can have a crowd on my birthday. She and Dad start talking about who to invite and I go back upstairs to my room and call Vicky.

Vicky is the opposite of me in a lot of ways. Especially looks wise. She has short black hair and big dark eyes. Her skin is very fair, it gives her a French look. She dresses in French style and it really suits her. She is a bit shorter than I am but our body shapes are quite similar. She is very calm, very wise and can hold a conversation. She always thinks twice before speaking, therefore nothing ever comes out of her mouth that she would regret, unlike me. We were friends even before primary school. They lived a street away from us. Our friendship got stronger over the years. She will be living with one of her cousin`s, I have offered to let her sleep in my room but she said `we were together for a year, let`s enjoy that we don`t have to compromise with anyone for a bit`. Of course, she is right again.

Four years ago Vicky was also here at my ominous birthday party. Maybe it`s time that I tell her what happened then, or maybe what not happened. The story goes back all the way to my childhood. Andrew invited Josh over a lot and he usually stayed over on the weekends. They are five years older than me and when our parents were busy, they used to look after me a lot from when I went to primary school. I grew up as if Josh was my brother. He sat by the pool when I and Vicky were swimming. He held my hand when we went on road trips. If Andrew couldn`t be bothered, he helped me study and we quickly grew up together.

I was twelve or thirteen towards the end of primary school when our relationship changed. He said some nasty comments and teased me. First I cried a lot but Mum explained to me that he doesn`t mean to hurt me, he is just a teenager and this is how he shows his interest. I put my gloves on. Over the years we developed a special way of conversation. We were never short of comments full of irony. He could never walk past me without making a comment about my body, or my age which would belittle me. This became part of my days so much that we were actually waiting for each other`s replies. We rewarded the more intelligent comments with smiles. He often said `you will understand when you grow up`. A 14-year-old girl should not argue with a 19-year-old man. Our friendship group first listened to us in shock but then they got used to it and when we started they just waved – they are not normal. We didn`t really talk to each other when high school girlfriends or guys who tried with me appeared on the scene.

Everything changed during the summer after my 17th birthday. Somehow we spent more time together and had normal conversations. He turned up at our house even when Andrew wasn`t home. We talked for hours in the garden or went for long walks in the forest behind our street. In the small forest, there was a field with some benches and a blue oak tree which had one of its branches low on the ground so you could sit on it comfortably. This was our place. I really enjoyed his company and it seemed as if he did too. All his girlfriends disappeared from his life. When we disagreed about something, he used to joke about me becoming smarter once I finish high school in June and he knew I was going to Princeton from spring.

We still had two-three months to spend together. The air was sparking between us. It became his habit to kiss my hair when we said goodbye. Somehow it became obvious that my birthday is a milestone and we would be dating after, as my parents won`t be able to find an excuse then based on the age gap. Andrew was another barrier. It doesn`t matter that Josh is his best friend, his little sister is a taboo. This was in the air. We talked a lot about this with Vicky who could tell the same thing from the outside. I and Vicky made a lot of effort to plan my 18th birthday party. From my parents for my high school exams and graduation I had the party of the year as we called it in the family. We talked about the invitation list for days. We picked music, and even though we couldn`t consume alcohol, for the adult guests we picked cocktails and ordered small pizzas and sandwiches.

Vicky shared my happiness because her three month anniversary with her boyfriend Sean, who I haven`t seen since my birthday. We decided about then bought the garden decoration, then the most important item, my dress. It was a beautiful dress and everything started off as a dream. My parents went to visit Jenna my Mum`s sister and her parents who live close to Princeton. The weather was nice, nearly everyone attended, maybe even more people came. We opened up the living room with the garden. With the help of Andrew, we decorated the garden with lanterns. Everything was perfect. The beautician, hairdresser and the dress were all worth it. I knew I never looked so good before. I suddenly heard Josh`s deep voice behind my back:

-You look beautiful Lucille. – yes, he arrived with a beautiful red bucket of roses. Black shirt, black jeans, black hair and shining blue eyes. I think my circulation stopped. I take the present which is a gold necklace with a small lily and a small crystal in the middle. I love Florence, the city of lilies. I often told Josh that I would love to travel to Florence and I would be the happiest if I could live there, in the capital of renaissance. The present meant a lot to me, I could tell he listened to me. He helped me put the necklace on. He held my hands and took me to the dancefloor. We danced slowly while looking into each other`s eyes then he pulled me closer and kissed my skin between my neck and shoulders. Ed Sheeran`s Perfect song was playing. We both loved this song and listened to it a lot together. My heart was racing and I felt like I couldn`t be happier than this. I smiled with happiness. After three or four slow songs I asked him to grab a drink. While he was gone I spoke to some guests, received gifts, walked around and listened to some stories. It`s been fifteen minutes when I start to look around between the guests but I couldn`t see him. I walked around the garden and living room twice but there was no sign of him, I even asked a few people if they saw him. One of Andrew`s friend said he thinks he went upstairs. I ran upstairs and walked towards my room.

Standing by a door a surprising picture opens up in front of me. Josh is tightly cuddled up with one of his old high school classmate Vivienne, who is facing me so Josh couldn`t have seen me. When I stopped in front of the door, Vivienne noticed me and she looked at me with a nasty smile and pushed the door closed with her leg which closed in front of me. I look in front of me with a shock. In my own room! I felt like someone who was burnt. I slowly walked downstairs and out of the garden, from the garden to the street and from there to Emma and Arthur Small`s home.

By the time I got to their house, I can feel the tears running down my face. Emma did not ask for the reason, all she asked was if I needed a doctor, police or my Mum. I told her no then she led me to her daughter`s old room and she let me cry it out. I texted Vicky to let her know where I was and what happened. I asked her not to talk about Josh, he no longer exists for me. I don`t care about what he does and I don`t care about who he is with. In the next hour or two, Vicky asks me if I wanted to go back to my own birthday party. Then she didn`t ask anything. I asked about Andrew and found out that he was having a drink, is having a good time and is about to get with a new girl. He wasn`t looking for me and doesn`t seem like he will be for a while.

We agreed that if someone from the guests asks about me, then I left with someone, and once Josh has left Vicky will call me and I`ll go back and start packing. I finally calmed down. I thought about it from the outside. Probably nothing is true from the situation. I built a dream world around myself which was blown away tonight. I wanted to disappear from town as soon as possible. I called my parents who as usual put on loudspeaker. I told them that the party was good but I had a chance to think about Princeton and I`d like to go there earlier to get to know the place. My parents supported my idea because over the last few weeks they thought I would rather stay in Watsonville and not go to university. They didn`t give me any more details but they must have thought about my relationship with Josh. I reassured them that this was never an option. We agreed to meet tomorrow. During the night I changed the date on my plane ticket to Princeton from the 28th August to the next morning. I slept a few hours and at 4 am, after Vicky`s signal, I returned to our house. Andrew was nice, the house wasn`t too messy and there were no drunk people in the house. Vicky was already tidying up and Sean, her boyfriend, was helping her. Andrew just asked with a smile:

-So Berry, who`s the lucky guy? – I shrugged my shoulders and said:

-No one in particular...but tell me how did your haunt go? I want to know every detail.

-A gentleman doesn`t talk about this. – we smile. So much for having the party of the year.

When the house was tidy, Andrew went to sleep, and with the help of Vicky, I packed a suitcase and called a taxi. Vicky shook her head and thought I was overreacting. I gave my best friend a kiss on the cheek, said bye to Sean and got in the taxi. On the airport, I wrote a text to Andrew, who was still sleeping. Well, this is it. The scars healed very slowly. None of my family members suspected anything. In the next few days, Josh tried calling me a few times. I never answered the calls. He never tried again.

Well, it`s time to return to the present from these memories from four years ago. Vicky is happy that I called. We quickly talk about when she`ll be able to come to Watsonville. She will arrive tomorrow, so she can be here for the BBQ party. She asks me a lot about what it`s like to be home again. First I thought I would tell her about the last few days, but then I realise she will be here tomorrow and I can just tell her everything then. I say goodbye then I go downstairs to tell my Mum that Vicky will be here tomorrow. She will be alone. Liam, who has been her partner for the past two years, will be arriving later. Mum quickly goes through the guest list and makes a list of what we need to buy for the party. She left the guest list on the table so I have a look. Josh`s name is not on there.

After Mum`s motivational speech during lunch, the three of us go out to the garden. I thought everything looked fine but my Mum looked around in shock:

-Wow, we have a lot to do out here. – honestly, I`m glad that I will be kept busy with this so I don`t have the time to think. Mum makes a jar of fresh lemonade. Dad brings out his old radio and we start working while listening to some retro songs.

Mum and I start with the flowerbeds and then cut the thujas. Dad cleans the pond and takes the grill out. Together with Mum, we wash the garden furniture while Dad rakes and waters the flowers. Our hands are full of work. We talk and laugh a lot about Mum and Dad`s time in Denver while they helped my brother to move. How to take a sofa to the third floor twice? How can you forget a dining table at the other end of the city? My tears are falling from laughing, then Dad looks at me:

-Oh, Berry! You didn`t tell me, how was it at Josh`s? How is the new place? According to Dia, it`s as clean as a surgery room. She grumbled because of it.

-it`s very nice and spacious, the house is full of light and it`s at a good location. What Dia said is true, there`s no clutter in the house. But that will change when he has a family.

-Well, Dia thinks that`s not going to happen anytime soon, he hasn`t taken any girl back home yet to introduce her.

-He will. - I thought about Chelsea and my stomach turned.

After this they don`t ask about him anymore, we had other topics. Mum is already planning Andrew`s wedding. Dad, of course, thinks it`s too early for that yet. They started counting how many girlfriends Andrew had so far. When they don`t remember someone`s name they find another way to identify such as `red hat girl`, `long earring girl` and `broccoli eater` and so on.

We finish around 7 pm then we raid the fridge. I have a bath then sit in the garden to read for a while. Later on, Andrew comes home and he joins me. We chill in the garden, switch the garden lights off then look at the stars while we talk about our childhood. I feel lucky. When Annie calls Andrew then we both go back to our rooms. I check my emails. I put my nightgown on. I finally sleep like a bear. I feel safe when my parents are around.