In Your Wake

The Feelings Left

Emily's POV

"What did you just say?"

I watched as Jake's back muscles move as he inhales and exhales deeply, trying to calm himself down. His jaw is prominent as he visibly grinds his teeth against each other.

I don't understand anything.

"Can you just help him to my room?" I quickly said, fearing that Mark's next words would make the situation worse.

"Fine." Jake doesn't look at me and starts dragging Mark with him to my room.

"Can I tell you something?" Mark looked at Jake with hooded eyes.

"No." Jake opens my door and kicks it open with his foot.

"Are you always this annoying?"

"Yes." Jake drops Mark onto my bed and steps back, stretching his arms out. "You are really heavy."

"I'm a big man." Mark lays his hands out and smiles, "The ladies love it."

"I'm sure." Jake turns around and walks towards me.

"You're staying here?" I asked him directly, quite rudely in fact.

"Aww, Maria, I really do hope that you decide to stay." He mimics my voice and moves his hands in the most ridiculous ways, "I'm genuinely speaking."

"Get out." I grit my teeth to keep myself from screaming at him.

"What?" He feigns confusion and his hand flies to his chest in offense, "I don't get a thank you?"

"No, you get something much more special." I raised my hand in the air and flashed him my middle finger, "You get a big F*ck you."

His eyes dance in amusement and he steps closer to me.

"Aww, Emily. Don't be like that." He pouts his lips, "I was just trying to help you."

I look him in the eyes with so much anger and hatred that I am sure he can read and clearly see if he looks close enough.

"And you did, so leave." I held the door wider for him to pass and get the hell out of my sight.

He bends down and I don't have the time to step back away from him, because it is too sudden and something that I didn't expect. His cheek is close enough to brush against my hair, but just not enough to graze against my cheek. I can feel the heat of his skin against mine and I stood motionless awaiting his next move. "I can guess why you are in such a hurry to be alone with him, but I suggest that you keep your voices down."

"And by the way, thank you for decorating my room. It is lovely." He straightens his back and steps back, "I wish you a good night." He glances back at Mark.

I am finally able to breathe again with a few feet between us and I gulp for air like I was just drowning, though I do it discreetly so that he doesn't notice how he affects me. Needless to say, I am not doing as well as I would have liked.

"Get out." I repeated again, "Or I will scream so loudly I swear--"

"Okay. Okay." He raises his hands in the air, "I'll leave, but I should give it to you Emily, you are really wild."

With that, he turns around and walks out of my room, closing the door behind him.

He really knows how to make an entrance and knows just how to get on my nerves.

I am breathing heavily as I am drilling holes into the place Jake was just standing in seconds ago.

I had said earlier that I had committed a crime. My crime has now come to life and has slapped me hard in the face.

It has been a year since I have seen Jake, since I have allowed myself to think about Jake, since I have felt something close to living like when he was there with me before he ruined me. Before he left me broken. Before he left me shattered.

It has been months since I have come to Rochefort-en-Terre. I tried my hardest to avoid anything that links back to him, but the whole damn town is linked to him. I have taken him everywhere. I have made memories with him in every spot in this town. Whenever I remember anything that relates to him, I quickly distract myself.

I really did try my hardest. But it was all to no avail. Every night, I would come home and enter my room. It reeks of flashbacks of endless night talks with Jake. I would stare at my wall and feel sad that I haven't put up any new quotes on the wall since he left. I would stare at the door that separated what used to be his bedroom from mine. I would look everywhere around me and Jake was there. All I kept thinking about was Jake. He was everywhere in here, but he wasn't really there. It was all just an illusion that I was trying to get used to.

Sometimes, I would stare at his door and think what if I opened the door. Will I find him in there? Sitting on the bed scribbling anything in his journal? What if I was living a terrible dream and he was right there on the other side of that door?

I knew that all of those questions were just excuses that my heart was making up just for me to walk into his room. I don't now where I dug up the courage, but I entered his bedroom. I was overwhelmed by everything. Everything was rushing back to me at an alarming rate. Our first fight. Our first kiss. Our first real conversation. Our everything took place in this room. And it was the first time that I let myself cry again because of him. It was the first time that I allowed myself to feel broken again because of him. It was the first time that I allowed the feeling to take control of me because of him.

I was furious because of him. I was furious with what he had ruined. He didn't only ruin one thing. He ruined two. Our what was close to a fling and most importantly he ruined our friendship. A perfectly stable, healthy and strong friendship.

I ruined his bedroom. My hands clutched at his sheets and I pulled them off his bed. His pillows were scattered all around the room. His dresser has been cleared. His drawers. His shelves were dropped. I did everything in my hands to ruin all that he had left behind. If I could have taken down these walls, I would have because these walls hold every single word, every single whisper, every kiss, every hum.... they simply hold him.

He will spend a good amount of time cleaning up the mess. I hope he gets so f*cking tired of cleaning up his room.

I chuckled at my absurdity. It is our house and he was only supposed to be a guest, yet somehow I still call it his room.