I hate that I love him

Some kind of normal

The next few weeks are busy for me at work which I am eternally grateful for because without my job I would have sit and let the loss of my child destroy everything that is me.

I still blame myself and tell Aiden frequently if I hadn’t have fallen over then maybe I would be reaching the three month mark.

Aiden of course blames himself for allowing Olivia to sneak into the house that night.

So work is a good distraction, its keeping me busy and with a whole window display to design I’m exactly where I want to be right now.

Jenny is amazing at work and at home, she cooks for me after a long day and she never asks me do do anything more than my share.

Aiden has got meetings all this week with his lawyers to fight over the finer details of the divorce.

So with him busy and me busy we don’t get a lot of time to ourselves and s*x has come to a near stand still.

Jenny says her goodbyes for the weekend telling us both to sit and do some talking.

I know she is right, she sees so much and if she could bang our heads together she would.

I look at Aiden doing the dishes when she says this and he looks at me pouring myself another glass of wine.

“So how was your day, really?, I ask wanting to hear that he has made some progress with Olivia.

“It was fine, we made some clear decisions” he replies looking around at me.

I nod and sip my wine my knowing what to say to him.

“I’m going for a shower” I say after a minutes pause not baring the silence.

“Can we not have a normal conversation anymore” Aiden calls after me making me stop.

“Can we not talk to each other anymore”,; “are we really going to let her win” he yells, and I know he is angry, but so am I.

“She won when I lost my child” and as soon as I say it I feel regret.

He remains silent and I walk into the bedroom and slam the door shut.

He comes into the room with force and walks over to where I have now stopped.

“What do you want me to do Demi” he asks with his eyes wide with passion,; “what the f**k do you want me to say” he adds pushing me hard against the cool wall.

“Have you got any f*****g idea how much much I love you” he breaths grabbing me around my throat and squeezing softly.

“Have you any f*****g clue how hard it is to be this close to you and not be able to touch you, to kiss you, to make love to you” he says closing his eyes and placing his forehead on mine.

“You haven’t tried” I say through gritted teeth, because him being this close still makes my heart race.

He slides his spare hand down my body and up under my my shirt but never letting go of his grip around my throat.

He pushes up my bra to release both my breasts and cupping my skin he teases my n****e between his finger and thumb making me clamp my legs shut.

“Did I say you could shut your legs” he breaths into my neck making me almost convulse on the spot.

He moves his hand down to the edge of my panties and without warning and with a firm grip, he rips them clean off me making me cry out with shock and a slight pinch on my delicate inner lips.

“Now we are going to walk backwards to the chair and when I sit down your gonna ride my hard c**k” he says through gritted teeth almost to the point of being vulgar.

I nod enthusiastically as he takes a step back and I follow with him still holding my throat.

I’m so turned on it scares me, and I’m glad he ripped my panties off because they would be soaking wet by now.

We reach the chair and he sits down pulling me on top of him, he has already undone his own pants and kicked them off.

Lifting myself up slightly so he can release his hard wood he takes the opportunity to pull my shirt off over my head and discard my bra.

I slowly lower myself onto him and close my eyes at the feeling of him deep inside me.

He lets go of my throat and grabs both of my hips thrusting me forwards making me cry out.

I place one foot on the floor and the other on a pile of decorative boxes trying to find the right amount of friction that I need to please not only him but myself.

He sits forward and wraps his arms around my waist burying his head in my chest and taking my breasts in his warm mouth, a feeling I have missed.

He is moaning and thrusting, breathing heavily pulling me down deeper onto his hard member.

Our bodies moving as one, and our groans getting more uncontrolled as we reach our climax.

“Aiden” I cry when he brings his lips slamming into mine.

He takes my orgasm into his mouth and moans when he too finds his release.

We are shaking and sweating, breathing hard like we have just ran a marathon together.

I collapse against his chest and this is where I stay for quite some time.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you” he says stroking my back in small circles.

“I’m sorry I haven’t let you be there” I reply needing to take some of the guilt.

When I look up at him he looks sad and tired.

“Lets go to bed” I smile kissing him gently only for him to deepen our kiss.

We climb into bed both exhausted from the the last few weeks and from the amazing s*x.

“When do you think the divorce settlement will end” I ask not really knowing if that was the correct word to use.

Aiden doesn’t correct me either way, he just brings me closer and kisses my head.

“Soon” he whispers close to my ear,; “very soon” he adds with a sigh, and its now that I know he is asleep.

Monday morning I am halfway through the process of emptying the old window display when who should walk past the window like the snake that he is.

Daniel stops and smirks at me as I’m bent over trying to unhook one of the cushions from a dark wood chair.

He has that same repulsive look on his face the night he attacked me and it makes me feel like throwing up.

I continue with my work only to turn and see he has disappeared, which I’m grateful for.

With spring around the corner I need to find some giant plant pots from the garden centre to go with my garden theme.

I wonder down the quiet isle looking at various colours, shapes and sizes before making my final choice.

“Well, well, well, if its not little miss prick tease” is the voice I hear from behind me.

I turn to face Daniel and I immediately want to run away and hide.

There is nobody else around that I can call for and he knows this.

He steps closer but not too close smiling a disturbing smile.

“You need to get the f**k away from me” I sneer hoping my bravery will warn him off.

“Oh honey please”,; “If i wanted to f**k you, I would have done so by now” he adds leaning on the end of my shopping cart.

“You are vile” I hiss wanting him to leave.

“That may be so, but I didn’t sleep with another woman’s husband did I” he breaths and covers his hand over his mouth.

“No you just tried to f**k another man girlfriend” I reply not wanting him to know he is getting to me.

“Girlfriend” he laughs,; “please, your just his little w***e on the side, and FYI, once the baby is born, you will be nothing more than that... his w***e” he sneers pushing the cart into my stomach making me step back.

“Oh I’m sorry, did I hurt the baby” he sniggers looking at my now shaking hands resting on my lower abdomen.

“Oh thats right, I forgot, you couldn’t keep your baby” he smirks at me making me feel sick to my core, he then turns to leave.

I feel like I’m going to pass out, so waiting for him to leave I fall to the floor and cry silent tears.

What did I ever do to that man to make him hate me so much.

I manage to clear the rest of the window before telling Jenny I need to go home.

She does not ask questions, she just smiles and nods.

Aiden gets home and finds me two bottle of wine down sitting in an empty bath tub, a place Ive come to sit on many a lonely night.

“Hay, Jenny said you left work early today” he says coming into the bathroom and squatting down in front of me.

I look at him with my drunken eyes and smile a sad smile.

“Demi talk to me” he says placing his hands on my feet and rubbing them to warm them up.

“Daniel payed me a little visit today” I slur draining the last of my wine.

Aidens face turns dark and he I know he is pissed.

“What did that prick say to you”,; “he better not had put his hands on you” he says raising his voice.

“Sshhhhh” I say placing my finger to my lips,; “ don’t be so loud” I add dropping the glass down beside me and snapping the stem off.

“Ok, come on” he says pulling up and out of the bath,; “I can’t talk to you when your in this state” he adds pulling me into his arms.

“Your so bossy” I say with a giggle.

“Yes I am and your very drunk” he says taking off my top and pulling down my jeans making me fall on the bed backwards.

“I couldn’t keep my baby” I say making him stop what he is doing and look up at me.

“I couldn’t hold on to our child” I repeat placing my hands over my womb.

I roll over and before Aiden can say a word I have passed out cold.

The next morning I wake to a quiet house, Aiden is not next to me and the bed was not slept in.

I roll over to face the door and see Aiden sitting in the corner chair dressed only in jeans.

He is so beautiful, I forget how lucky I am.

“Good morning Demi” he says not getting up to come over to me, he stays exactly where he is.

I groan and roll back over to face the other way and pull the blankets over my head.

“Oh no you don’t” he says coming over to my side of the bed and pulling the covers off me to reveal my very naked body.

I lay still and close my eyes, the memories of Daniel and being in the bath tub coming back to haunt me.

“Tell me what happened” he asks sitting next to me.

“I need coffee” I reply with a very dry throat.

“Tell me what happened first” he asks again, this time more demanding.

“Aiden please” I cry trying to roll over and away from him.

“Fine” he says standing up and walking into the bathroom.

I hear him turn on the shower and then his brisk footsteps as he comes back to my side.

“Last chance” he says looking at me peeking up at him with one eye still closed.

“Coffee” I pout like a stubborn child not happy at not getting what I want.

Aiden scoops me up into his arms and carries me into the shower that he has not waited to turn warm so therefore makes me squeal at how cold it is.

“Aiden” I cry thrashing about trying to leave the water that is taking my breath away.

“Tell me what Daniel said to you” he asks holding me in place.

I stop struggling and he turns on the heat.

“Demi just tell me” he asks almost begging me to speak.

“He said that once your baby is born you will leave me and be with Olivia” I reply leaning on the back wall away from the water thats hitting my face.

“He also said I’m your little w***e” I add almost laughing, but its a laugh that soon turns to sobs.

“He said I couldn’t keep our baby” I cry finally letting all the pain flow from my body.

Aiden joins me in the shower and holds me tight, he holds me until my breathing calms, and we talk about everything that we have been through and how I feel I let him down.

Something I don’t know If I will ever recover from.